samm84 Posted August 6, 2011 Posted August 6, 2011 Its been just over a month without contact, since she started seeing another man. So I went for a night out in town to a few bars. After a while my ex showed up with her friends, this was nothing new. My friends started telling me that she was looking over and saying that she's thinking of speaking to me. I tried my best to ignore all of this and just carried on as I was. It got to the very end of the night, and as I approached the bar she grabbed me by the arm and dragged me outside. "I need to talk to you" She said. We sat in a shop doorway and i remained silent as she confronted me on why I wasn't speaking to her, and also how much she hated knowing that we were ignoring each other. I told her that the lack of contact was not because I hated her, rather the opposite, I still had feelings for her and that seeing her was just still really painful. She opened her arms and we hugged... for a while, she told me she missed me as she dug her head into my neck. I told her that this felt weird and she backed off. We remained talking in the doorway for another 40 minutes. She always has this power to make me pour my heart out to her. She asked if I had got with anyone else, which I haven't, but I simply told her that I didn't want to know about her and her new man interest. She said nothing had happened sexually with this new man, she told me that he is not used to having the attention of women, and she likes that. I guess its nice to feel needed.. Anyway as we parted ways, she told me that she doesn't expect us to be friends, just that I come say hello, and see her dog (which I love). What's going on in her head? And why do I feel so set back by all of this? I feel a ray of hope and I really don't want to.
smudge21 Posted August 6, 2011 Posted August 6, 2011 You know why, you said it to her - you still have feelings and this little bit of contact has played on that small bit of hope all us dumpees keep hidden away for a long time. You've made it clear to her but unless you force yourself to stay away, even when she comes close, then you will continue to feel like this until all the feelings have gone. As for why she does it, well, from what you said, she does still care but maybe doesn't really accept how hurt you are. Maybe send her a letter or email explaining how much it still hurts and until you're totally over her, you'd prefer it if she just give you the space and time you need to heal. If she cares and respects you, then she will. The question is though, are you strong enough to say that to her, push her away totally, go against that little bit of hope.
Casablanca Posted August 6, 2011 Posted August 6, 2011 she told me that he is not used to having the attention of women, and she likes that. I guess its nice to feel needed.. I think this could be a reason she did it...it might have been an ego/power move just to see if you still needed/wanted her....
Movingthrough Posted August 6, 2011 Posted August 6, 2011 (edited) The first thing that popped in my head when i read this was that she was just trying to make sure you didnt "hate" her. I think girls have a hard time knowing that someone dislikes them and its easier for them to move on by knowing you are not hurt. This has currently happened to me where my ex basically said i love you but i dont see us together, then the minute i was honest with her and said i still had feelings thats why we cant talk, she breaks down with how her heart is so broken and she cant stop thinking of me. In a mature light, i look at that as someone who still isnt over what we had BUT the minute she hears im hurting or not right, it gets put back on how she is hurting too, aka feeling bad for me. Guys seem to do more of the move on and forget, which can come off as very a-holeish, but i think girls cant fully move on unless they know their ex is too. Edited August 6, 2011 by Movingthrough
Author samm84 Posted August 6, 2011 Author Posted August 6, 2011 Thanks for replying everyone, there is a lot of truth in what you have all said. She has tried to remain friends with all of her ex's. And I think she finds it very hard knowing that someone has negative feelings for her. As for having the strength to avoid her... well if you would have asked me last week, I was in a hurtful, but steady place, keeping up no contact, even though we live opposite each other. Now, it seems to have all been flipped on its head. After our talk last night, she followed it up today with a text around dinner time, asking if I wanted to take the dog for a walk with her. I told her that I could if we made it quick, so we set off around the block. We just generally caught up, I remained quite distant but managed to talk to her. It felt almost like she had a need to tell me all of her recent events and random things that had happened to her in the past month. It was flattering more than anything, almost like I'm still the one person she feels she wants to share all of this stuff with. On the other hand, she cheated on me and is currently interested in another man. So I should probably be running in the opposite direction. I don't know how I feel, this little ray of hope is propping me up, but when I force myself to take this hope away (which doesn't last long) I just feel more empty and sad than ever. Running in the opposite direction leaves me feeling empty. It seems that even if the ex breaks the no contact, it's still a massive headf*ck!
Kilty Posted August 6, 2011 Posted August 6, 2011 She cheated on you buddy Grow a pair and have nothing more to do with her That is a total dealbreaker and you are a better man than me for breathing the same air as her never mind thinking about getting back with her or even wanting to be with her. This is a classic scenario of the ex trying to ease her conscience and guilt after what she has done - and you are making it real easy for her. I mean has she actually even fecking apologised to you ? Cheated once - she'll do it again You owe her absolutely nothing apart from vomit Check out and start ignoring her otherwise you become what is known in Scotland as a soft touch In fact you should read the Irvine Welsh short story "Soft Touch" in the book The Acid House - they even made a film about it
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