Daisy76 Posted August 6, 2011 Posted August 6, 2011 (edited) My boyfriend of 4 years is in Australia and I'm in Africa, we met when he was still based in Africa 5 years ago & started dating after a couple of months. Everything has been great in our relationship though the distance makes it difficult sometimes. We used to talk at any time of the day & sometimes in the early hours of the morning. There was so much transparency in our relationship & we would always tell each other what we were doing and there were no rules about times that we could talk. The last time he was in Africa was about a year ago & he spent his 3 week annual leave with me, he even proposed & I said yes. He met my family during his visit and told them of our intentions to get married. I was heartbroken when he went back to Australia but we talked about our plans of getting married and making a plan to be in one place eventually, It felt as if I was living my dream & would soon marry the man of my dreams. We spoke for hours over the phone & skype and would always send msgs telling each other how much we were in love & couldn't wait to be together. In the African tradition a bride price is first paid before the wedding so he set. A date for the bride price to be paid to my family. The 1st date was set for May 2011, he postponed to June then July then August. He kept moving dates & we no longer communicated as much he would say he's so busy at work & would go to church everyday after work to help out so we couldn't chat online. For the past 3 months he is unable to answer his phone when he is at home if I keep calling he switches his phone only to put it back on the next day at work. He can go for the whole weekend without answering my calls or calling me or even sending an sms. Just recently he took 1 week off work and I feel he was on holiday but he claims he was sorting somethings out. I called him with a hidden I'd and when he heard it was me the tone in his voice changed & made the call short, he put me on hold then said he was taking another call & would call me. He spent the whole week without talking to me only to call me when he went back to work. He gets angry if I ask him why things have changed & says I always blame him when we have problems. He insists there's noone else in his life & still wants us to get married. He even told my family that the reason why he postponed the bride price event was financial and stressed that he still loves me & wants me to be his wife. His family knows about me but I feel he is living with another woman & doesn't have the guts to tell me that he doesn't love me. I asked him why he can't talk when he's at home & why we never chat online anymore, he said he will be at church. That is such a lame excuse & I strongly believe he has met and is now living with another woman. I got angry and told him not to take me for a ride and drag me along when he is living his life. He promised he would never do that & that he loves me & still wants to marry me. I love him with all my heart & do not want to lose him. It's clear in his actions that there's someone else but I guess I'm in denial coz I love him like crazy. He hasn't broken up with me probably because he doesn't have the guts or maybe he just wants to walk away silently. I'm confused & don't know what to do. I tried calling him when he was at home yesterday & though he had promised to answer the phone, he didn't and after trying many times he switched it off. I decided that I'm not going to call or text or e-mail him but it's killing me inside. What can I do to win him back, I love him so much & still want to be with him. Heartbroken & depressed Edited August 6, 2011 by Daisy76
eidolon Posted August 6, 2011 Posted August 6, 2011 I agree with your course of action so far as the NIC goes. Just think about how worth winning back he is if he's treating you like this after 4 years of a relationship. I don't mean that to further upset you, but maybe you need to look out for what's really best for you rather than what your heart wants. It's an insane breach of trust, and you can't force someone back into a relationship. Winning them back also just doesn't seem like something that will last. It just drags on the inevitable. You're worth so much more than someone who treats you like this. Other than that, I can only say that you should continue NIC and see where it goes from there.
creighton0123 Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 I hate to say it, but you need some face to face communication time if you want to resolve this. I like to assume the best about people, so will assume that the chances of him living with another woman in a romantic setting is slim to none. A more logical excuse is the money for the bride price. He may not be comfortable with the idea, may not have the money to pay it and feels as though he is insulting your family or making a fool of himself in front of your family. He may simply feel as though it is a dated and unnecessary tradition and feels put off as a result. It is important that the two of you communicate in a respectful, non-judgmental, and calm way. This means no arguing, no accusations, just explaining how you feel, why you feel that way, and what the two of you need to do in order to rebuild communication and trust. Question: If he were to say "I'm not comfortable buying you" referring to the tradition of paying the bride price, how would you react?
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