HopelesslyFallen Posted August 6, 2011 Posted August 6, 2011 okay well i'm new to this site but i've been looking through some of the posts and i just had to join to get some real advice. Because... well i'm just stuck. And dying trying to figure things out. I've been talking to this girl for a little over a year now (Yes we're both girls please don't give me hardship on this factor it really doesn't matter. I hear it enough everyday) We knew each other before all this really started happening, she initially approached me, (saying she just couldn't stay away) and over the last year we've become so close. I've never felt this way about anyone and we haven't really done anything together. Not a PA, more of a EA. But the feelings and the words are there. We've written love notes, snuck away in the dead of night to be together, I've serenaded her with songs i've written just for her, late night texts and calls..Everyone knows that we have feelings for each other BUT her SO. Even her mother knows and accepts me and us, saying she'd want nothing more than for us to finally be a family and that's how things really should be. We've even planned out our futures together. Houses, jobs, kids and names, colors of rooms and even states we'd like to go. Only it can't include her SO. Now the story behind that is this: they've been together for 5 years and counting. ON and off. And every time they're off i'm the one who dries the tears. Who stays the night and makes sure everything's okay. I'm the good friend and it kills me. This has been an abusive relationship. She's been constantly accused of cheated and being with others. This violence has even affected one of our dear friends who was attacked due to false accusations. I know she wouldn't cheat because well, she's never even touched me. And we've been sneaking around(Not so sneakingly) for the last year+. I can't bare to watch someone i love and care about, a true friend of mine be constantly beaten for things she has not done. Especially since i have been in an abusive relationship. Because of that i know how hard it is to leave also. Currently i'm trying to come with the terms of my decision to leave her and everything i've created and planned. But I can't help but to want to continue to fight. I've never been a quitter you see. Plus i know she loves me too, I've been told by close friends, family, and even her. This isn't my first time trying to leave. The last time included a lot of crying, pleading and guilty feelings on my behalf. Yet i know that I'M the one who's going to be hurt in the end. Like i am now. And I don't want to once again let her in just to hurt me. I'm not going to ask her to just up and desert me. Every single part of me says to continue, that I love her and she's worth any hurt and pain. Yet something else says, If she truely loved me i wouldn't be in this position. The things i've said and done would have gotten through. I wouldn't have to make her love me. It should just be natural. I don't know what i want. Something about her just makes this girl that's so sure of herself doubt everything she know's is right. I catch myself thinking about her, reminiscing all our conversations and the late nights just staring into each others eyes. And it makes me fall deeper down. And for some odd reason i love that she can do that to me, no one else has ever been able to. Of course i hate it too. So i'm asking this: Will things ever get easier? Should i really let go? What if she won't let me go? (she's said numerous times that she'll never allow me to leave her) Should i move on? (there's many others i can choose from) What about the SO? Point blank. What should i do???
whichwayisup Posted August 6, 2011 Posted August 6, 2011 The thing is that you don't see because you're in midst of an EA and aren't seeing this objectively is, she IS cheating on her partner of 5 years. It doesn't matter that it hasn't gotten physical yet..You two have made "plans" for a future, snuck around and she's lied about it. Sneaking out in the middle of the night to be with someone else IS cheating behaviour. You love her and care about her, want a life with her.. She has an on-off again relationship, and when it's off she comes running to you..When it's back on, you're left alone and she's mending fences with her partner. How long do you intend on doing this? She probably loves and cares about you too, but the longer you stay the person she comes to when life gets crappy with her girlfriend, the longer you WILL be the OW in her life. My advice is, tell her how much she means to you, that you DO want a life with her but cannot sit by and watch her be with and live with someone else while she makes fantasy/false promises and gives you hope of a future, that you are ending it and she should call you when they are "offically over" and she's had time alone to sort herself out. 5 years is a long time and they obviously have reasons, healthy ones or not, of why they keep getting back together. Agree or disagree here, but I think (not malciously, but selfishly) she has no intention of truly ending her relationship to be with you..she likes things as they are and she gets to have you in her life and her girlfriend.
eleanor01 Posted August 6, 2011 Posted August 6, 2011 The thing is that you don't see because you're in midst of an EA and aren't seeing this objectively is, she IS cheating on her partner of 5 years. It doesn't matter that it hasn't gotten physical yet..You two have made "plans" for a future, snuck around and she's lied about it. Sneaking out in the middle of the night to be with someone else IS cheating behaviour. You love her and care about her, want a life with her.. She has an on-off again relationship, and when it's off she comes running to you..When it's back on, you're left alone and she's mending fences with her partner. How long do you intend on doing this? She probably loves and cares about you too, but the longer you stay the person she comes to when life gets crappy with her girlfriend, the longer you WILL be the OW in her life. My advice is, tell her how much she means to you, that you DO want a life with her but cannot sit by and watch her be with and live with someone else while she makes fantasy/false promises and gives you hope of a future, that you are ending it and she should call you when they are "offically over" and she's had time alone to sort herself out. 5 years is a long time and they obviously have reasons, healthy ones or not, of why they keep getting back together. Agree or disagree here, but I think (not malciously, but selfishly) she has no intention of truly ending her relationship to be with you..she likes things as they are and she gets to have you in her life and her girlfriend. ^^^ What she said. Hopelessly, I agree that it is time to tell your lover (and again, I agree WWIU that you are indeed having an affair) how you feel. You don't deserve to be jacked around like this. Best, Ellie
Gentlegirl Posted August 6, 2011 Posted August 6, 2011 You are in an affair for sure. Just get out of it ASAP for your own sake. Best Wishes, Gentlegirl
TurboGirl Posted August 6, 2011 Posted August 6, 2011 You are in an affair for sure. Just get out of it ASAP for your own sake. Best Wishes, Gentlegirl Agreed... I think your girlfriend is playing both sides... having cake and eating it too. Nothing new, really. Take care of yourself and leave... find somone who is truly available and not playing games with your heart.
fooled once Posted August 7, 2011 Posted August 7, 2011 E...If she truely loved me i wouldn't be in this position. The things i've said and done would have gotten through. I wouldn't have to make her love me. It should just be natural. So i'm asking this: Will things ever get easier? Should i really let go? What if she won't let me go? (she's said numerous times that she'll never allow me to leave her) Should i move on? (there's many others i can choose from) What about the SO? Point blank. What should i do??? If she truly loved you, she would end her current relationship. Unfortunately, you have enabled her to continue being with the other person and you. You have allowed her to have the best of both worlds. The best thing you can do - for you and for her - is to walk away. For you - for your mental health and for you to stop enabling her and being co-dependent. For her - to give her a real hard look at her life to see how it is without you in it. Walking away doesn't mean you don't love her, it means you love yourself more (as you should). She has used you and disrespected you. If you and her have a future, it needs to be on solid equal footing; not with you being the enabler. Things WILL get easier. But you have to honestly want to move forward, not just use it as a way to get her to chase you. She doesn't get a say so in you leaving. If she calls, you don't answer. If she texts, you don't respond. If she respects you, she will respect your decision to walk away. She will never "allow" you to leave her? Really? So she likes the fact that she has you and her SO? How selfish. Does she NOT see how much it hurts you? Does she enjoy hurting you? She must, especially if she is not going to "allow" you to leave. How rude and selfish. My advice - move on. Tell her you will no longer participate in a relationship with her. You love her, but you love yourself more. You will no longer allow yourself to be treated as 2nd. You will no longer allow yourself to be someone's soft place to land when life gets tough. You love her, but you are done with her not respecting you. You tell her to not contact you until she is OUT of the current relationship AND has had some counseling to help her figure out why she stays in an abusive relationship. You moving forward doesn't mean you don't love her. It means you need to do what is BEST for you. She isn't going to 'forget' you (many use this as an excuse to continue to 'check in' with their partner ... they think the other person will just forget about them). You mourn the relationship and the ending of it. You grieve. You cry. Then you pick yourself up and go on with life. You work on YOU. You do things for YOU. You immerse yourself in work and activities to keep you occupied. Yes, you will hurt and you will cry; but you will also heal. There was life prior to her; there will be life after her. Respect yourself to never ever be someone's 2nd choice. Good luck!
Emme Posted August 7, 2011 Posted August 7, 2011 Will things ever get easier? No Should i really let go? Yes What if she won't let me go? (she's said numerous times that she'll never allow me to leave her) She does not control you. If she can't let you go then she will have to leave her partner. She has to choose one not both. Should i move on? (there's many others i can choose from) If you love her deeply give her a chance to choose. If she can't choose then move on. What about the SO? As far as the abuse if you don't mind fighting for the one you love then it will be easy. What about her! What should i do??? You should honestly let her go. She has been through so much physically and emotionally she is in no shape to start a fresh relationship without bringing baggage into one you wish to create with her. Give her time to heal and if later down the road her mind set is healthy then move forward with a clear mind.
Author HopelesslyFallen Posted August 7, 2011 Author Posted August 7, 2011 I agree with all of you. I've known for sometime that i really should let her go and with the time i've had and your advice i've come to understand more than it's something i have to do. Give her and i both time to really just figure out what we need and want in our life. I'll live with or without her right? Thank all of you and I will be talking to her soon. I'll keep you posted
whichwayisup Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 I agree with all of you. I've known for sometime that i really should let her go and with the time i've had and your advice i've come to understand more than it's something i have to do. Give her and i both time to really just figure out what we need and want in our life. I'll live with or without her right? Thank all of you and I will be talking to her soon. I'll keep you posted Please do come back and let us know how the talk went. Look at it this way, you were fine before she came into your life, you'll be fine if she isn't in your life.. Sure it'll hurt and be painful, but you will heal. (Yes we're both girls please don't give me hardship on this factor it really doesn't matter. I hear it enough everyday) Hope you don't mind, but I really need to comment on this part of your post.. I'm sorry that you have to deal with people giving you a hard time. It's your life, it's who you are.. Those people who give you a not so nice time need to shut up and accept you for who you are and not treat you different than anybody else. It sucks that this stuff still goes on! Anyway, that's a whole other topic of discussion.. Take care.
luvsickpuppy Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 When you say she won't let you leave her, it tells me she knows the power she has over you, and its more of a need for your attention. It just seems like she needs a lot of attention, and your always there to give it to her.. along with SO when he's not following the trail of bread crumbs she left. Oops. I'm sorry it just seems like she has a lot of personal issues and she uses people to make her feel good, because she doesnt know how to. She doesn't really know what she wants other than being loved, because she can't give it to herself, so she is hurting you, him, and mostly herself. You will be helping by leaving her alone.
Author HopelesslyFallen Posted September 8, 2011 Author Posted September 8, 2011 Okay so it's been some time and things have drastically changed. First of all, i never got to have that one on one talk that would end the affair and our friendship. instead her SO made up a lie and caused this huge drama scene that she only supported. :mad: All of it, was a LIE, which ended up very badly. And since then, we haven't talked to either of them or their family(been a little over a week). It sucks but i'm sooooo much better off. So is the others that she was leading on (wasn't the only girl she was talking to at the time) Some drama still follwed me, because miss SO loves (and wants to have) whatever person place or thing i come near:sick: But in good news, I'm done with both of them, They broke up officially, and i'm sooo much happier. well getting there one day at a time. Thank you all so much. You really helped me and although i wished i would have had the chance to get some face to face answers, i know the world doesn't work like that. and you shouldn't ask questions you don't want to know the answer to.
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