confsed Posted August 6, 2011 Posted August 6, 2011 What should I do? I met this girl in January while on vacation for a few weeks. We really hit it off and agreed to go out a few days later, she told me to friend her on Facebook and so I did and it said she was in a relationship. I was going to cancel the date when I saw that and a day later she changed her status to It's complicated. I asked her about this and she told me that she was in a long distance relationship for 4 years with a guy overseas and they hadn't spoken to each other in months and she never changed her status. I believed her and we went out the entire time I was there and I really liked her. When I left we agreed to keep in touch. She sent me a couple of emails and we began to talk on the phone. We agreed to take things slow and visit each other and see where it would go, But she kept pushing for us to become an official couple, so we changed our status's on Facebook which seemed very important to her. We skyped and talked on the phone all of the time, then 2 months later she told me she was moving to where I am. I'm from New york and it's always been a dream of hers to move here. She wants to be a dancer. She has lived all over the world and the one place she has never lived is New york. She said the time was right because she has been unemployed and now is the time to try and become a dancer. The thing is she decided this when she found out that my roommate was moving out and now she now wants to move in with me! We only saw each other a few more times before this and I think this is moving too fast even though I never met a girl like her and really want to be with her. But one of my friends who was with me while on vacation though doesn't trust her. He thinks she's using me as a meal ticket to come to new york and that she was only interested in me when she found out I was from here. Now I'm beginning to wonder, she only decided to move here when I told her that my roommate was planning on moving out. I told her I thought this was too fast and she was insulted and told me that she told all of her friends she was coming here and was angry that I was backing out. She does have a history of moving around a lot and now I wonder if she was really with someone when we met and is using me to come to New York.When we were together when I met her she asked me so many questions about NY and kept saying how much she wanted to come here. Sometimes I think I'm letting my friends make me paranoid, I just don't know what to think. She tells me how she never met a guy like me and how she misses me and knows that we will be really happy together. I'm so confused because I really think I'm falling in love with her.
Sam Smith Posted August 6, 2011 Posted August 6, 2011 Hey Confsed, I'd have to actually talk to you to determine whether or not she's using you, but what I would do if I were you is tell her why you don't want her to move in with you. If she doesn't respect that, then she needs to "grow up" a little and I'd move on. I mean, I can tell you from experience that if she can't respect your concerns now, she won't do so later, and you'll end up in a very unsatisfying relationship. Good luck! Sam
Eternal Sunshine Posted August 6, 2011 Posted August 6, 2011 Based on that post, I would say that the probability that you are being used is around 80%.
NursingGirl Posted August 6, 2011 Posted August 6, 2011 Being Used!!!!!!! If I were in her shoes, I would not feel that it is appropriate to ask a boyfriend to let me move in with him. If I really liked him, I would look at it from his point of view and realize that he would not be sure I liked him or if I was using him. I also do not like to start off a potentially meaningful relationship in a dependency situation. If you tell her that it seems like it is too soon but that you really like her and feel like this relationship has possibilities and she GETS MAD or dumps you because she couldn't move in, then you have your answer. I think it is very manipulative of her to throw the "I've already told my friends" card at you. Who cares what she told her friends? WHY did she tell her friends? You hadn't even said yes yet!!! Letting her move in at this point in time would be a very bad move, imo.
NursingGirl Posted August 6, 2011 Posted August 6, 2011 I once let this guy move in with me after 3 1/2 months of dating him (I had a house, he was renting, he made $11/hr, had bad credit and I had money) and once he moved in, he started buying things he couldn't afford with his own money. He ordered magazines and lifetime memberships in clubs and he bought shelving for his work van and got a boat loan at one of those high interest rate finance companies. So basically, his income was being spent on fun things for him and he was sucking the life out of me. I tried to avoid looking at that reality because...well.....because I wanted to believe it was real. When I lost my job, he was outta there. I was stunned. This only happens to a person once in a lifetime before they "get it". I can spot it right away and because it was so awful when it was done to me, I would never want to have a guy suspect that I was up to doing something like that even when I am in need. Especially when I am in need! I can and will get back on my own feet whenever life throws me a curve ball. Sure, it would be nice for someone to be madly in love with me and "save" me sometimes but I would have to doubt that the relationship could possibly last long term when it starts out that way.
dasein Posted August 6, 2011 Posted August 6, 2011 The best way to figure out whether you are being used or not is to tell her you expect her to pay 50% of all living expenses from the start and the first month's rent is due before she moves. If she is using you, she will be gone in an instant. If she is an entitled princess, she will whine and moan about how unfair that is, so you can screen her out and not waste any more time, and if she is worth your time she will say "that's completely fair" and will send you a check immediately. If she says she doesn't have money to move yet, tell her she is welcome to move in once she saves a couple months worth of living expenses. Since she moves around lots, make sure to get a portion of the security deposit and the last month's rent before she moves in also.
WhyWontYouBe Posted August 6, 2011 Posted August 6, 2011 The best way to figure out whether you are being used or not is to tell her you expect her to pay 50% of all living expenses from the start and the first month's rent is due before she moves. If she is using you, she will be gone in an instant. If she is an entitled princess, she will whine and moan about how unfair that is, so you can screen her out and not waste any more time, and if she is worth your time she will say "that's completely fair" and will send you a check immediately. If she says she doesn't have money to move yet, tell her she is welcome to move in once she saves a couple months worth of living expenses. Since she moves around lots, make sure to get a portion of the security deposit and the last month's rent before she moves in also. I agree, going 50-50 at the beginning is how you should do it.
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