PracticalShade Posted August 6, 2011 Posted August 6, 2011 I've had a successful long distance relationship (I'm military) for the past 9 months with a girl that I met back in my home town. Though I'm stationed about 1200 miles away from her right now, we've managed to have healthy relationship. I'm 30 and she's in her early 20s and soon to be graduating college. Being 30 and having had to learn a lot of things about life on my own, I'm basically independent. I've never been much of a follower, and at times the herd mentality kinda makes me roll my eyes. She on the other hand, admittedly thrives on interaction with people. She has distinct morals so she's not out two-timing or anything. Obviously friends are a good thing becuase they allow for separate lifes within a relationship, but basically she gets depressed if she's awake too long without being around people. Long story short, after thinking about it for a while I confronted her with the theory that maybe she relies too heavily on other people's approval. (Even in past relationships she said she made the mistake of trying to be what she thought the guy wanted. I told her to never be anything but herself with me.) There was one phase where she had a falling out with some of her friends because she wanted to stop partying. She constantly wanted to be on the phone with me and then would get upset with me for not having much to say because I was already talking to her all the time. The pressure of having to be her source of validation started to wear on me and we almost had a fight about it. It's been a few months since then and she admits that the need for approval is one of her flaws. I suggested that she needs to learn to love herself a little more and seek approval a bit less but I guess old habits die hard. As I'm typing this she's staying up late to go to some girl friends' get together even though she has to work in the morning-- AFTER complaining today about how little sleep she got last night because she was hanging out with her friends. I would personally think a secure person says "my friends will be there some other time. I should probably get some sleep." I want this relationship to be the best it can be so... what's my place in this? What can I do to help?
Ayla Posted August 6, 2011 Posted August 6, 2011 This sounds like me 7 or so years ago. I hated being on my own and vibrantly needed to be around people. Unfortunately there was nothing that anyone could do for me...I had to realise it for myself, and the reasons. I'm not saying this is your girlfriends problem-but the reason for me was a lack of self confidence, and not loving myself. I got that "self worth" (well what I thought it was) from other people. In the end I was seeing a therapist (for something unrelated) and we delved back and got it sorted. It made me realise why my relationships with men also ended up failing. I needed to be able to love myself and be able to hang out with myself before I could be with anyone. I could be way off the mark here, and I hope that things get sorted with you two.
Author PracticalShade Posted August 6, 2011 Author Posted August 6, 2011 It definitely sound like you understand what I'm talking about. Not off the mark at all :-) The biggest problem for me is that I'm the opposite of her. 90% of the time I could care less what other people think. So it make my eye twitch seeing that sort of thing with her. Times like those I have to remember that we grew up differently and had different environments
Ayla Posted August 6, 2011 Posted August 6, 2011 (edited) Yeah-different backgrounds make a difference. However that doesn't matter as long as your values are the same, and you have some similar interests...just to name a few. I look at my parents-my mum is vivacious and 'out there' and needs to be occupied (be it with people, gardening, socializing etc) where as my dad is quieter, can just chill and doesn't need constant stimulation...but they even each other out and are still happily married after 36 years (although there has been some hairy times!). I'm a believer that if it's meant to be, it will be...and everything happens for a reason. Corny I know...but I really do believe it. If you really love her, I guess you will just accept her for the way she is...it will be one of the many things you love about her... I guess she is young, and still has a lot to learn about herself. At least she tried... Edited August 6, 2011 by Ayla
Author PracticalShade Posted August 6, 2011 Author Posted August 6, 2011 At first she was a bit defensive but I asked her to hear me out and I pointed out all the tell tale signs that I was seeing. Again she said she would work on it. It's a good thing that I'm not gonna be out of the military for a while. The long distance gives her a chance to establish herself as an individual within the relationship instead of worrying about me approving of her. I've learned so much from her though. I've never had this much patience with anybody before. That certainly says something about how I feel, yeah? BTW I don't think that's corny at all. Some things that are supposed to happen tend to fall into place that way :-)
Sam Smith Posted August 6, 2011 Posted August 6, 2011 Hey there! I think you have two options here: Either stay with her and accept her as she is, or split. This may sound a little harsh, but I really don't think you should expect anyone to change FOR YOU. Such changes almost never last and... she'll sooner or later go back to being her own self, unless... ...she feels she needs to change that particular thing about herself and decides to do it for HERSELF. In other words, the drive to change should come from her and not you and as you know, there's a chance she'll never want to change that. Are you ready to stay with her and love her as she is? Sam
Ayla Posted August 6, 2011 Posted August 6, 2011 Yeah-your patience does say something...it is very nice. I too am patient-but it my case some people might call it stupidity! On the long distance relationship-can I be honest about something? Have you always been long distance...ie since you met?
Author PracticalShade Posted August 6, 2011 Author Posted August 6, 2011 It's always been long distance yep. We met through close friends when I was on leave for a month from the military and started seeing each other then.
Ayla Posted August 6, 2011 Posted August 6, 2011 Ok.... My previous ex, I met him and then it turned into long distance immediately. I know this is just my example, but the real him didn't become clear until I moved to join him after 6 or so months. As it turns out, despite all the phone calls and skyping...and visits...I didnt know him at all... I know this might not be the case for you, but if you want to be with her, you have to accept that this is how she is, and there may be other things that you don't know about at this point that you may not like... It sounds negative...and is only my experience...but felt the need to share.
ThsAmericanLife Posted August 6, 2011 Posted August 6, 2011 You have a long distance relationship, and relatively speaking... your age difference is somewhat large. She sounds like a typical early-20 something... and an 'extrovert'. The world is full of people who love being around other people for all sorts of reasons... it is quite common for those who are different (more introverted/independent) to label them as 'validation seekers' so that they can feel better about themselves. She shouldn't have to change for you... and you are guilty of making her a 'project'... even labeling her negatively here... then trying to paint yourself as a 'loving' person... who is trying to gently guide her into doing things your way. I dunno.... sounds kind of screwed up to me, and I'm not seeing the long-term potential here.
WhyWontYouBe Posted August 6, 2011 Posted August 6, 2011 You have a long distance relationship, and relatively speaking... your age difference is somewhat large. She sounds like a typical early-20 something... and an 'extrovert'. The world is full of people who love being around other people for all sorts of reasons... it is quite common for those who are different (more introverted/independent) to label them as 'validation seekers' so that they can feel better about themselves. She shouldn't have to change for you... and you are guilty of making her a 'project'... even labeling her negatively here... then trying to paint yourself as a 'loving' person... who is trying to gently guide her into doing things your way. I dunno.... sounds kind of screwed up to me, and I'm not seeing the long-term potential here. Same, can't see any long term material here.
Woggle Posted August 6, 2011 Posted August 6, 2011 You don't. Validation seekers are usually most likely to cheat.
WhyWontYouBe Posted August 6, 2011 Posted August 6, 2011 You don't. Validation seekers are usually most likely to cheat. Out of curiosity, How come?
Woggle Posted August 6, 2011 Posted August 6, 2011 Out of curiosity, How come? They constantly need the attention of other people in order to feel attractive.
threebyfate Posted August 6, 2011 Posted August 6, 2011 They constantly need the attention of other people in order to feel attractive.Did you read the opening post or are you just assuming this based on how the opening poster is misusing the term "validation"? Nowhere has the opening poster mentioned her need to be admired or sexually validated. If anything, he expresses "She has distinct morals so she's not out two-timing or anything.". You might want to take a peek at ThsAmericanLife's post about introverts and extroverts. To explain the difference, introverts recharge by being alone with none to a limited number of close relationships. Extroverts recharge energy by interacting with other people.
threebyfate Posted August 6, 2011 Posted August 6, 2011 Take a look at this study about cerebral blood flow, as it relates to intraversion/extraversion. CONCLUSIONS: The findings of the study lend support to the notion that introversion is associated with increased activity in frontal lobe regions. Moreover, the study suggests that individual differences in introversion and extraversion are related to differences in a fronto-striato-thalamic circuit. In other words, there are physiological differences between the two. There are other studies relating to the differences which cover dopamine. Extroverts take the shortest path to getting a dopamine hit where introverts take a more circuitous route through the brain. Too lazy to dig up other studies.
daphne Posted August 6, 2011 Posted August 6, 2011 I agree with a few of the other posters here, and don't find you to be that patient with her ultimately. Your title itself is condescending. Yes, young women tend to be somewhat insecure and need approval of others more than most. But she sounds like an extrovert, which isn't going to change whether you're patient or not. She may outgrow her need for approval. she may not. Either way, it sounds like you've taken the paternalistic approach and feel the need to fix something that is only hers to fix, if she so chooses. From my perspective, I think there's nothing wrong with either introverts or extroverts. They are simply different and both have their pros and cons. It would be just as condescending for her to expect you to change to want to be around people more often and be sociable. Can you imagine how you'd feel if you lived in the same place and you didn't want to hang out with her friends very often, and she decided that there was a problem because her friends think your'e antisocial? It cuts both ways. If you're truly open minded, you'll respect the differences or at the very least, stop projecting your negativity on her personality. She has the right to be the person she wants to be. And if she's telling you she wants to be different, it sounds like she's just trying to get your approval too.
AThoughtfulMan Posted August 7, 2011 Posted August 7, 2011 PracticalShade I hope you're not taking it personally that some people on here are sorta bashing you or being negative in the process of offering their viewpoint. My girlfriends younger and from experience I can understand your point of view. Having had more life experiences it probably makes you anxious to see her going through certain things you've deal with already. Kinda like "oooh pick me! I know the answer pick me!" or something. The important part is basically what Ayla and Sam posted. If she does have approval/validation issues then you've already expressed your opinion to her. Don't let yourself get into the trap of nagging her about it. If this is a real issue for her and not just her being a younger, extroverted person you just gotta love her and let her figure it out for herself, man. That sorta ties in to the whole being individuals within a relationship thing. The most important thing you can do when being the older guy is to be stable and a positive example. Let her see the good qualities in you. If it turns out that she really did have that issue and you loved her through however long it took to get past it, she'll just love you that much more for your patience and understanding.
vsmini Posted August 7, 2011 Posted August 7, 2011 Relatively speaking - if she's a normal, healthy early 20-something girl then it's just going to take time and experience to make her see the error of her ways in validation-seeking. Many, almost all, people go through that and the 20's are a time to learn some lessons and find out who you are. Which she is still doing. She'll most likely come around to loving herself completely and realizing that approval, for the most part, is complete BS but it could take a few more years or so. I finally got situated and settled into who I was in the last year or so - I'm almost 29. Of course it's different for everyone but if you want to stay with this girl you have to realize it's just part of growing up and you simply have to support her and wait it out. And to the other poster - Anyone who criticizes a person in their early twenties for being a validation seeker is a hypocrite. It's what people do when they're young - that's like blasting a 12 year old kid who has the audacity of going through puberty. That's just how it works.
rafallus Posted August 7, 2011 Posted August 7, 2011 If she is just out partying and interacting with others in a loosest sense, not sure, if she's doing anything wrong in itself. If you aren't like her in that regard though, it will most certainly not work out.
Els Posted August 7, 2011 Posted August 7, 2011 I think AThoughtfulMan gave excellent advice. My principle in Rs is not to impose my own values/principles on others, unless they involve extremely important issues or their actions are affecting me somehow. If she wants to go out with her friends til late even though she has work the next morning, it's on her, not you. If I were you, instead of trying to 'fix' her, I would simply gently tell her when she complains about not getting enough sleep, "It was your choice to go out last night, remember?" She needs to stop making choices and then expecting you to make her feel better about the bad consequences of them, but you also need to lean back and let her make her own mistakes.
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