Fonzi Posted August 6, 2011 Posted August 6, 2011 Hi, I was with my ex for 8 years, first 6 I wasn't living with last 2 I was. He could be quite abusive but is very good at denying ALL of it even though the police had an APB for him after he trashed all of my stuff put blood over it all, as well as marijuana, bourbon you name it it was everywhere and ruined. Then he was sad because my father and brother took it all to the dump, there was nothing left! Over the last 2 years he had a knife to my throat, I pushed against it and he said, "you'd like that, wouldn't ya bitch" He broke a pedestal fan around my neck. I locked myself in the bedroom once, for obvious reason. He snapped the lock on the door and said, "you can't lock me out bitch" It wasn't only with me but also strangers. A guys pulled out in front of him while driving, the guys gave way to oncoming traffic my ex drove into the back of his car, the guy got out my ex reversed put the car in first and drove harder into the guys car. Just wondering if you guys think he had NPD or was he just wacko?
geegirl Posted August 6, 2011 Posted August 6, 2011 After reading that, it wouldn't even matter what label you slap on him. Just thank your lucky stars he didn't do any type or permanent damage to you. It's clear he is mentally unstable. Whether he is wacko or a psychopath or diagnosed with a disorder by a professional, the fact remains is that he is destructive and violent and getting out was a blessing to you. If you were with this guy for 8 years, I can't imagine the damage he's done on your mentally and emotionally. I hope you are finding ways to get yourself back again.
Author Fonzi Posted August 6, 2011 Author Posted August 6, 2011 Thanks geegirl! I was wondering if anyone would be game to give an answer, so thanks heaps. Well since then 5 years have passed. I'm married and quite happy, I say quite happy because like you said he has damaged me emotionally and mentally. So much so I have had nightmares and night sweats every night since. Sadly one morning I so so very pissed off with him and sent him an abusive text. Of course his reply was so gentlemen like it was like talking to a prince! And believe it or not I think I got sucked in, that's the part that worries me. Because I thought I cold be friends with him. I don't talk to him anymore as I had a massive fight with him because he wouldn't admit to what he had done. I just can't understand in the first place why I would have wanted to be friends with that ****wit, maybe because in those 8 years him as well as his mother made me believe I couldn't live without or do any better then him. That being said I was once at his mothers, and he pushed me down on her bed with his hands around my throat. She pulled him off (I thought finally some releif) but no she asked me what I was doing to her son! I am finding it difficult mainly because when I met him I was 17 he was 32 and not a small man, I am now 30 and still trying to find myself.
geegirl Posted August 7, 2011 Posted August 7, 2011 You are most welcome Fonzi. Well, 5 years have gone by and you now see what a healthy partner can offer you. You're not quite there yet because you keep looking back over your shoulder holding on to a situation that isn't worth a second of thought. While you keep looking back, you're short changing yourself and your husband from getting to HAPPY. You will stay at "quite happy" for as long as you keep doing this. And you are looking over your shoulder at a man that treated you so horribly. He damaged your self-esteem so badly that you're still trying to get validation from him that you meant something. Maybe, not maybe...I highly suggest you seek counseling from a therapist that has experience with matters relating to abuse. The fact that 5 years have gone by and you're still somewhat stuck and holding yourself back from experiencing life to the fullest and enjoying a man that can give you a happy marriage is telling that you are deeply scarred and damaged. If you're having sleep issues, nightmares, you really need to start working on yourself Fonzi. It's not just going to go away. Why did you think that someone who choked you, beat you with a lamp, held a knife to your throat is worthy of being a friend to you? What is your definition of a friend? You know the answer. So what was the motive? Ask yourself. You weren't looking for friendship with him. You were looking for validation from him that you're special and you wanted to give him another show of how special you are. He never showed it to you then, so you're hoping that he'd give it to you the next time around. He didn't show love to you then and you craved and needed to be validated so badly that you opened the "friend" door thinking he'd see you in a different light and that you'd see that he really cared or loved you. People who abuse don't admit to wrongdoing because they don't believe they are doing anything wrong in their warped sense of reality. So, if you are looking for closure, he won't give it to you. The only closure you will get is within yourself and that is releasing what was and focusing on what is, and that is making your marriage with a wonderful man a success. Looking back is just keeping your life on hold. You've already spent years reliving your life with a monster. Stop wasting precious years and start focusing what's ahead of you. You've been given a second chance at happiness. Grab it by the horns.
Author Fonzi Posted August 8, 2011 Author Posted August 8, 2011 VALADATION! Thank you, that's the word. I do have a wonderful husband and I have said to him many times, if something were to happen to him I would regret putting him through all this. I agree, I do need to see a therapist. As every time I have a dream its all brought back again. It's so funny I texted the a-hole for 2 weeks haven't had a panic attack in 5 years and by the end of those 2 weeks panic attacks were back. He really did screw me up mentally, and he could even do it via texts! He started by telling me that I was the best thing that ever happened to him, ended with I wish your man luck caus he's gonna need it. Started again by saying, your heart was too full of me. Ended by saying, you always loved to hate me. No wonder I was a mess, not only did he physically abuse me I never knew where I stood! Your a great help geegirl, thank you so very much.
geegirl Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 (edited) You are most welcome Fonzi. I am glad to be of help to you. My father was physically and verbally abusive to and that scarred me for a very long time until I removed myself from the home when I was old enough. Years went by and I slowly changed. The rage stopped. The negativity stopped. The fear stopped. A couple of years ago I entered into an R with an emotionally and verbally abusive man. All the demons came back again. I remember when he screamed at me, my father would appear and literally start to sweat, panic and my heart would beat so fast that I would literally feel like I would pass out. These scars are very deep. Abuse, in any form is manipulation and control. And that is exactly what he did to you. He manipulated and controlled you in every way that it left you not knowing which way is up. He slowly broke you down to nothing. And when you're completely broken with no sense of self, he has you in the palm of his hand. Exactly where he likes you. Now you are completely dependent on him. His thoughts are your thoughts. If he says you have three heads, you'll rack your brains wondering if you have three heads and ultimately even start to believe it. You're so lucky you have a man who is wonderful to you. Maybe you both could go to counselling together so that he can understand where you are coming from and you can start to recover. I am sure it is hard for him to see you struggle and in a way affect his security in the marriage. If you know you would regret if something happened to him or your marriage, start the work Fonzi. It is very hard to find a man that will support and love that way. Those demons are not just going to go away. It took me years to recover from my father, and even now, I still have my fears but they're tolerable. We can break the cycle. We give them too much power when in fact, they're just insecure and weak cowards. VALADATION! Thank you, that's the word. I do have a wonderful husband and I have said to him many times, if something were to happen to him I would regret putting him through all this. I agree, I do need to see a therapist. As every time I have a dream its all brought back again. It's so funny I texted the a-hole for 2 weeks haven't had a panic attack in 5 years and by the end of those 2 weeks panic attacks were back. He really did screw me up mentally, and he could even do it via texts! He started by telling me that I was the best thing that ever happened to him, ended with I wish your man luck caus he's gonna need it. Started again by saying, your heart was too full of me. Ended by saying, you always loved to hate me. No wonder I was a mess, not only did he physically abuse me I never knew where I stood! Your a great help geegirl, thank you so very much. Edited August 8, 2011 by geegirl
sun_moon Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 Wow geegirl, this has been by far the most touching and most open thread I have ever read. When I read your first reply, I was amazed at the insight you were giving her, and by the end of it I realized it was coming from experience. And she's right Fozi, you are fortunate to be with an understanding healthy man.
geegirl Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 Wow geegirl, this has been by far the most touching and most open thread I have ever read. When I read your first reply, I was amazed at the insight you were giving her, and by the end of it I realized it was coming from experience. And she's right Fozi, you are fortunate to be with an understanding healthy man. Thank you sun_moon! While I hate to bring up the past, sometimes I think it's helpful to let someone know they're not alone. Their fears, insecurities and pain is normal and that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. We can all get there. It truly is mind over matter and with the help of an understanding partner and a good counsellor, we can overcome.
Mack05 Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 Thank you sun_moon! While I hate to bring up the past, sometimes I think it's helpful to let someone know they're not alone. Their fears, insecurities and pain is normal and that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. We can all get there. It truly is mind over matter and with the help of an understanding partner and a good counsellor, we can overcome. You are a class act Gee..
Author Fonzi Posted August 9, 2011 Author Posted August 9, 2011 Thank you sun_moon! While I hate to bring up the past, sometimes I think it's helpful to let someone know they're not alone. Their fears, insecurities and pain is normal and that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. We can all get there. It truly is mind over matter and with the help of an understanding partner and a good counsellor, we can overcome. I have been telling my husband what you have been teaching me geegirl. And he said the same, he thought you may have been through it too. So thank you for taking the time to help me! I can only hope I will be as strong as you someday.
geegirl Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 I have been telling my husband what you have been teaching me geegirl. And he said the same, he thought you may have been through it too. So thank you for taking the time to help me! I can only hope I will be as strong as you someday. You will Fonzi. You must push through! If you ever need to talk, PM me.
Author Fonzi Posted October 6, 2011 Author Posted October 6, 2011 Hi geegirl, I am in some desperate need for advice. Recently I have had an overwhelming urge to send something like the following to my ex's mum, (just so she knows what he's like) trouble is she bekleives no one is better then her son especially me. It would get me in a great deal of strife, PLEASE HELP You say you aren’t vengeful, bull****! Look what you did just because I left you. Overdose, alcohol is no excuse. Been there done that and it didn’t make me do that stuff. But unlike you I can’t be bothered with revenge I’m just gonna let karma **** you over. I guess I’m just fortunate that it didn’t take longer then 8 years to see your true colours. Go on, threaten me or my loved ones again add it to your record. I used to think it was just me who caused you to become angry, but looking back no it wasn’t. Who seriously kicks in someone’s back car door because they were picking on you for fluffing up your hair? Who seriously let kids get to him that much that he’s gotta drop his mother off first go back and throw their bikes in the river? THEY WERE KIDS! But the part I don’t understand about that is why did you have to drop your mum home first? But you could tell me about all of it proudly?!? Who seriously accidentally crashes into the back of someone’s car, the driver gets out you reverse and do it again? Forcing the driver to put his handbrake on, I don’t blame him for calling the cops… once again not just me. Yes, I was laughing at this but it was nerves shot to hell. Who seriously gets pissed off with just kids again on bikes and blocks the library car park off with his car so they can’t get out? They try another way and you block it again. Who seriously chases a man down in the Smiths truck forcing him to call the cops… once again not just me. Yes, he got close when he passed but no reason to chase him down. I had to make stories up like I saw Lisa in a bra but that wasn’t enough for you. I wanted to please you in every way but just didn’t have anything left. So I guess when you got Sandy to send me that e-mail “keep on forgetting” I wanted to, but are still finding it difficult. We might have had good times but the bad definitely outweighed them. I can see that now that I have been married to someone normal for 4 years, he even lets me talk to him about my past… with no judgement whatsoever. I’m not afraid to talk to him. I am glad though that you have self respect, because it is yourself that you’re going to live with. Falling asleep in front of the TV alone.
Sugarkane Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 Why would you have to contact his mother for? Wasn't she there when he forced you down on the bed with his hands around your throat? Does she make excuses/enables him? You must not get sucked into these people again.
Author Fonzi Posted October 6, 2011 Author Posted October 6, 2011 Why would you have to contact his mother for? Wasn't she there when he forced you down on the bed with his hands around your throat? Does she make excuses/enables him? You must not get sucked into these people again. Such a simple answer, but helps so much! Sometimes I just get so blurred I can't see it for myself. Thank you!!! And your right she does enable him, just can't understand why someone would do that. I would get sucked in again, thank you sugarkane
oldguy Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 EMDR for PTSD, you are obviously a victim http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eye_movement_desensitization_and_reprocessing
Author Fonzi Posted November 25, 2011 Author Posted November 25, 2011 Just want to say a BIG thank you to all of you. I went to the Doctor this week and he tells me I have Chronic PTSD. The first step for me is on Monday, going to see a Psycoligist. If that fails a Psychiatrist and maybe change of meds. Im hoping a change of meds won't be nessecary, but one step at a time!
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