Enchanted Girl Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 Yet another thread where I don't trust my judgement. My boyfriend and I live together. His Mom lives with us and has no job, so we pay for everything for her. So far, this hasn't actually bothered me at all. The thing is, we both make minimum wage, so we barely make the bills all the time and sometimes my parents have to help us or we'll starve for awhile. And they usually don't mind, which I greatly appreciate. Anyway, my boyfriend's birthday is coming up. Of course I would buy him something. In fact, I spent $40 to buy him two things that he wanted greatly, plan to take him to the movies as well and buy him a cake. =) I made sure to save up for all of it. Anyway, his Mom went to my parents and asked them if they'd spend five hundred dollars that she said she'd pay part of on a hotel room for the weekend. She asked my boyfriend's brother to give her some money to pay to my parents and is now giving that small amount of money to my boyfriend and making my parents foot the entire five hundred dollar bill. I am FURIOUS about it because I feel that she took complete advantage of my parents. In fact, I remember her and my boyfriend getting angry at a mutual friend because we're poor people and he came over and ate a whole bunch of our food that we were carefully saving to the end of the month. I said,"Well, no one told him not to eat it, so we can't really blame him." And I remember them distinctly saying,"Yea, but we don't forgive him because its something we shouldn't have had to explain to him. He was taking advantage of us and having no courtesy. and he should have known better" I plan to quote that event and quote them if I confront her about it. Because we DIDN'T need to go out for the entire weekend. All my boyfriend did for my birthday was buy me a fifteen dollar movie. I was going to spend a hundred dollars total on him, just with my part (which I am still doing) and I thought it was a fine present. The two gifts are things he really wants, the movie is one he really wanted to see, and I was going to buy him a cake. That's not a bad birthday at all! But she insisted on being excessive and making my parents (and me, basically because I have to pay for the gas to get there, the food to eat out with, any activities we do, so on and so forth) pay for everything and giving him some extra money on top of it all. I understand when we're starving, asking my parents for stuff, but I don't understand being excessive and making my parents pay for an extravagant birthday that none of us have the money for. The thing is, it will hurt my boyfriend if I get angry with his Mother. I never like to put boyfriends in that situation because they shouldn't have to choose a side. And its his BIRTHDAY, which I don't want him to feel guilty over or not enjoy. And its not his fault that she decided to do this. Also, I live with her and don't want there to be tension between us because there hasn't been so far. The whole thing is a surprise as well (and will happen in a week), so I can't really talk to him about it ahead of time. What do I do? How do I handle this situation? Because so far, all I'm doing is not confronting her, but deciding that next time we are starving or whatever, not to ask my parents for CRAP. Because my boyfriend and I can come over and have a meal with them any time, but I don't want her to have any help from them in any manner any more because of what she has done.
sm1tten Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 Is this right - your parents gave your boyfriend's mother 500 dollars for a hotel room? As in, they knew what they were giving her the money for? If so, then she didn't take advantage of them; rather, they exercised poor judgement. Does she already have the money? The most indirect way which might not harm your relationship with her is to have your parents exercise more caution in giving her money for non-essentials in the future. More direct would be to take her aside and saying that this makes you uncomfortable and why, without sounding accustatory or angry while doing it as she will only become defensive. Either way, best to nip this pattern in the bud before it even starts.
Author Enchanted Girl Posted August 5, 2011 Author Posted August 5, 2011 Is this right - your parents gave your boyfriend's mother 500 dollars for a hotel room? As in, they knew what they were giving her the money for? If so, then she didn't take advantage of them; rather, they exercised poor judgement. Does she already have the money? The most indirect way which might not harm your relationship with her is to have your parents exercise more caution in giving her money for non-essentials in the future. More direct would be to take her aside and saying that this makes you uncomfortable and why, without sounding accustatory or angry while doing it as she will only become defensive. Either way, best to nip this pattern in the bud before it even starts. Yes, but they weren't exactly giving it to her. It was under the promise that she'd pay them back. And I know for a fact, especially the closer it gets to his birthday and the fact that she keeps giving any money she gets to him, that she's not going to pay them a DIME back. And this is also what makes things awkward . . . . my parents are overly generous. It actually drives me a little crazy because I feel like they are taking advantage of them. My boyfriend somewhat as well. Because my Dad co-signed for a car with my boyfriend, which I REALLY didn't want him to do and my boyfriend couldn't even make the first payment. I knew it was too expensive of a car for him at the time he was buying it and there was nothing I could do to stop it, so I wound up having to make the first payment because I couldn't stand the idea of my parents being taken advantage of like that and being forced to pay for it themselves. But at least with that, it was actually something that we legitimately needed that we had absolutely no other way of getting (we tried everything else!) unlike this ****ing birthday thing. And its really upsetting me. I've been getting upset about it every day.
MarlyStar Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 Your BF and his mother are users. Your parents are allowing themselves to be taken advantage of. The way to stop this is not by changing anyone else: you can't change your boyfriend or his mother or either of your parents. The way to stop this is to change you: by leaving your boyfriend. That breaks the bond between the takers and and taken. I hope after your bf missed his first car payment your parents took possession of the car.
Author Enchanted Girl Posted August 5, 2011 Author Posted August 5, 2011 Your BF and his mother are users. Your parents are allowing themselves to be taken advantage of. The way to stop this is not by changing anyone else: you can't change your boyfriend or his mother or either of your parents. The way to stop this is to change you: by leaving your boyfriend. That breaks the bond between the takers and and taken. I hope after your bf missed his first car payment your parents took possession of the car. They don't know that he missed it because *I* paid for it. I did get mad at him, but I took it back because he's been paying other bills with his money that we owe and its not like he was wasting all of it or something. I'm hoping somehow that if I talk to him about it that things will work out. But I've honestly given up hope on his mother completely. She obviously sucks up to people who give her money. We're not the only people she sucks up to like this. And I really don't want to be alone. I'm so ****ing repulsive of a person to begin with and I'm scared I can't get someone else and I feel in love. I KNOW THE DUMBEST MOST CLICHE THING EVERYONE SAYS IN THESE SITUATIONS. I can see this situation is about to possibly explode in my face and that's why I keep getting terrified to even confront them about any of it.
Els Posted August 7, 2011 Posted August 7, 2011 And I really don't want to be alone. I'm so ****ing repulsive of a person to begin with and I'm scared I can't get someone else and I feel in love. Why do you feel so? I don't think you need to be jumping to breakups, if it helps. From what I've heard, you haven't even tried talking to bf about his mom because you think he'll 'get mad'. Why not try first instead of assuming?
musemaj11 Posted August 7, 2011 Posted August 7, 2011 Your bf's mother is ill-mannered. I would be furious at my mother for doing something like that.
somethingsimple Posted August 7, 2011 Posted August 7, 2011 I think its natural for you to be mad. However, if you do want to take action. You should discuss it with your parents and see how they would feel about all of this.
Professor X Posted August 7, 2011 Posted August 7, 2011 Should I be mad? And I really don't want to be alone. I'm so ****ing repulsive of a person to begin with and I'm scared I can't get someone else and I feel in love. I don't mean to judge, so try not to see it as such. It seems that you have already made up your mind on the RS you want, on the future life you want for yourself; In that case you shouldn't be mad, there's no point, it will only cause you frustration and as a result, it will shake your RS. Just be submissive, quiet and happy with the choice you've made.
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