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Posted

Carhill, yes, I have met her family and I got along with them great. They were skeptical about her dating me because of my broken engagement. However, after I met them, they apparently liked me pretty well because they ended up inviting me to go on a family vacation with them. So this past week, I just got done spending 5 straight days with her and her entire family including aunts, uncles, cousins and her grandma and I had a great time. I came home early, but her parents said to me as I was leaving, "Are you sure you dont want to stay for the rest of the trip?" so I think that was a pretty good sign. Also, she has met my family on 1 occasion and they told me they liked her as well.

 

As for talks with my parents, sure, I have had plenty of talks with my parents. However, my parents are fairly guarded with their opinions when it comes to my relationships because they have said that in their mind, no girl will ever be good enough for me, but at the same time, they want me to be happy and if getting married will do that, they dont want to stand in my way. So they arent a whole lot of help when it comes to relationship advice.

 

As for your last question, I am 31, my gf is 28.

Posted (edited)

He has plenty of help, from his dating partner, his family and his faith. I noted how his posting style has progressed as he's gone through the process.

 

His style is just contrary to that of most men on LS which is expected because of his religious commitment. He's not out fµcking every willing hole with abandon and drowning his sorrows in beers. It's a different path, but equally valid.

 

I did recommend secular counseling as well as pre-cana and that recommendation remains. Up to him whether he wants to pursue that. He'll make his own decisions and his own mistakes.

 

Would I jump into another relationship and consider marriage right away? Probably not, and my stories here on LS underscore that. That's a function of age and experience. His parents will likely share their experience. If they've raised him right, he'll take in all solicited opinions and make a decision as a man and own it. It's fortunate that he's received the wide range of opinion here, so he can see all sides of his decision-making process. All are valid and well-considered.

 

ETA, OP, thanks for your addition and I was responding to the post prior. Also, at 31, you are mature. Be decisive and own your decision.

Edited by carhill
Posted

 

This is an innocent question from someone who was dumped this year. Why make him feel insecure for asking? I think it's wise of him to ask. And I don't see anything wrong with it, either. He was dumped, he was not the one who broke his engagement.

 

So why turn his question into a tactic to make him feel like he shouldn't need to ask?

 

Peace out / Graceful

 

It just sounds like to me he is wanting to get married for all the wrong reasons, and if he was 100% in love with this person he wouldn't be asking complete strangers whether it would be the right decision for him to ask her to marry him.. Yes you're right it's just an engagement and they wouldn't be actually getting married for several months, but to me it just sounds like he is trying to speed up his current relationship to where his previous one was as a way of filling a void, and to me that isn't right. It isn't exactly the engagement itself that I feel is wrong, it is more the thought processes behind it that I feel a bit fishy about. I don't see trying to pick up where his last relationship left off with a different woman as a healthy way of coping.

Posted

Carhill if you read this guys previous posts and you think he is ready for this, then u are as bad as he is...Who comes onto a breakup relationship forum and asks if its too soon to get engaged!!!??!!??.Not only that, he met his potential wife 2 days after he posted right here on LS, just how heartbroken he was!!!. Religion or no religion, this man has serious isues! Stop encouraging him!

Posted
It just sounds like to me he is wanting to get married for all the wrong reasons, and if he was 100% in love with this person he wouldn't be asking complete strangers whether it would be the right decision for him to ask her to marry him.. Yes you're right it's just an engagement and they wouldn't be actually getting married for several months, but to me it just sounds like he is trying to speed up his current relationship to where his previous one was as a way of filling a void, and to me that isn't right. It isn't exactly the engagement itself that I feel is wrong, it is more the thought processes behind it that I feel a bit fishy about. I don't see trying to pick up where his last relationship left off with a different woman as a healthy way of coping.

 

And the truth will set you free!!

Posted

P-Pete,

I understand your viewpoint, and can see why you perceive the question and the situation as you do.

 

My perception is different. Chiefs is 31, not a kid, and since he was in a LTR, and got engaged before, that to me says he is a commitment kind of guy and isn't interested in playing the field. He likes monogamy. Yup, this is his style. Not a commitment phobe and not afraid to take a leap of faith.

 

Why can't he do that without it being interpreted as a bad idea?

 

The strange part is that the OP does not sound like he's love sick over this girl; the relationship, while new, is working out really nicely. And he's maybe even getting ahead of himself, admittedly. But if the baseline question is if it's okay to get engaged the same year another engagement was broken, and you are crystal clear that you are making the right choice, AND your ex is history, then I do think it's possible to do this successfully. Depending on when the OP's birthday is, he's going to be around 33 years old when the marriage happens, and really, that's a very good age for a guy to be gettin' married, if that's what he wants.

 

Bottom line: we're all here to give our points of view, and if the purpose is to help someone, then the viewpoint is valid. So this just gives the OP lots to think about, the more the merrier. :) Your points are well-taken, but I have to tell you, I feel solid in mine, too. :cool: Enjoy your day.

 

 

It just sounds like to me he is wanting to get married for all the wrong reasons, and if he was 100% in love with this person he wouldn't be asking complete strangers whether it would be the right decision for him to ask her to marry him.. Yes you're right it's just an engagement and they wouldn't be actually getting married for several months, but to me it just sounds like he is trying to speed up his current relationship to where his previous one was as a way of filling a void, and to me that isn't right. It isn't exactly the engagement itself that I feel is wrong, it is more the thought processes behind it that I feel a bit fishy about. I don't see trying to pick up where his last relationship left off with a different woman as a healthy way of coping.
Posted
P-Pete,

I understand your viewpoint, and can see why you perceive the question and the situation as you do.

 

My perception is different. Chiefs is 31, not a kid, and since he was in a LTR, and got engaged before, that to me says he is a commitment kind of guy and isn't interested in playing the field. He likes monogamy. Yup, this is his style. Not a commitment phobe and not afraid to take a leap of faith.

 

Why can't he do that without it being interpreted as a bad idea?

 

The strange part is that the OP does not sound like he's love sick over this girl; the relationship, while new, is working out really nicely. And he's maybe even getting ahead of himself, admittedly. But if the baseline question is if it's okay to get engaged the same year another engagement was broken, and you are crystal clear that you are making the right choice, AND your ex is history, then I do think it's possible to do this successfully. Depending on when the OP's birthday is, he's going to be around 33 years old when the marriage happens, and really, that's a very good age for a guy to be gettin' married, if that's what he wants.

 

Bottom line: we're all here to give our points of view, and if the purpose is to help someone, then the viewpoint is valid. So this just gives the OP lots to think about, the more the merrier. :) Your points are well-taken, but I have to tell you, I feel solid in mine, too. :cool: Enjoy your day.

 

Fair enough! There are always two sides to a coin, and your point of view is just as much of a possibility as mine. Like you said, in the end it is all for the OP to consider. It's all meant to help him find his real motivations behind his desires. I just want him to ask himself more questions. If he has heard some answers within himself, and he is trying to cover them up with other peoples approval or validation, all of his relationships are going to end up in failure, and I don't want that for him.

 

Nothing personal of course Graceful. I'm just sticking to my guns and following what I believe is right, and I respect your ability to do the same :)

Posted (edited)

Pete I agree with you 100% here. Superchiefs did not grieve his last relationship. The fact that he is 31, is not the issue at hand here. It's irrevelant in the scheme of things.

 

Superchiefs wants to get engaged for all the wrong reasons. He has avoided dealing with the uncomfortable feelings of pain from the previous relationship. Instead of dealing with his emotions and feelings correctly, he literally replaced one relationship with another. That is so unhealthy. He is still in the honeymoon period and things seem to be going well with his new girl. The fact of the matter is he doesn't know this woman, remotely well enough to even consider getting engaged. He wants to get engaged because he wants security.

 

There are personal problems that go beyond relationships, going on with Superchiefs. Just read his posts. The guy is not emotionally healthy right now. I would be AMAZED if this new relationship is a long term success. This is the opposite of how a healthy relationship should be formed. Superchiefs is in complete and utter self denial. I'm stunned people on this forum are advising him to go for it. I have no doubt down the line I will be proven to be right. This has train wreck written all over it..

 

Feelings are like weeds. If you don't deal with them correctly, eventually they run wild..Chiefs you need to talk to someone professionally. There are underlying issues that you are not telling us about. You are such an insecure person and it comes across in your posts. Right now your love is based on need. That is not real love. No love can prosper based on need. Sadly my words are going in one ear out the other. That's what happens when you are in total self denial. I wish I could do more for u mate. I see the trainwreck down the line and there aint nothing I can do to stop it..

Edited by Mack05
Posted

OP, since you're a relatively new member here, there's a thread feature you may not be aware of. As an OP, you can come back to this thread in the future and update it, even if it otherwise closed to comments due to time elapsed. I encourage you to do so, to keep any progress reports in context. I hope you'll take all the viewpoints offered and give them due consideration. If I were in your shoes, I'd likely be doing exactly what I am doing IRL, being celibate and healing from my D. I'm not in your shoes. You are. We have different paths. Good luck.

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