Love&heartbreak Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 Hello..Im.. Devastated... and other than my mother I feel like I have no where else to turn or talk to..Iv'e been with my fiance for 6 years now we got engaged last year..And I love him very much we have 1 child together he's 5years old. Me and my fiance have our issue's like any other couple..And my fiance has allways been a big flirt i have allways been aware of that..But I never really became jealous because of it..But It recenty has come to light that last year he got another woman pregnant...The woman actually came to my house after I assumed he was telling her he was going to call off our wedding and be with her...At first I was in denial about it but after i seen the little girl she looks exactly like him big brown eyes and all.... After I had a conversation with this OW..She told me how they had been long time friends and she said in the beginning she knew nothing about me..IDK if I believe that or not..And when I talk to my fiance about it he gets really angry,,he's told me he's sorry but i feel so betrayed that this happened..I dont know if i can ever forgive him..I still love him and i dont want to give up on our relationship..I guess i wouldn't feel so bad if their was not an innocent child involved..I so confused Should I give him another chance??..And what would any of you women due in this situation?
ShatteredReality Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 No one can tell you what to do, Love. Though some will likely try. The reality is, this is your relationship and your life...you can feel and know better than we can if you should stay or go...it depends on if you feel he will do it again...can you be a part in raising another womans child and, by result, having that woman a part of your and your fiance's lives for the next 20 yrs? In most affairs, No contact is enforced and the couple works on the relationship together - but in situations like this, No contact may not be an option. Does he feel any regret over his choice to cheat? And is his regret because he got her pregnant? Or because he hurt you? Or simply because he did something this awful? You'll come to find, on this board, there are many folks who are jaded through and through, and then there are some who are forgiving and optimistic...I'm the latter. I believe good people do bad things and can be truly and honestly sorry about the things they've done. I believe there is redemption, given time and opportunity...however, I am realistic in that - not all cases are roses and chocolates. You have to TRULY weigh your options here - honestly look at the relationship - what went wrong when and where? Why did he cheat? Did he cheat because he had some needs not being met at home? Or did he cheat because he simply lacks self control and is selfish? If he cheated because something was lacking - what was it...mind you - I am not saying you have responsibility in his cheating - I am instead having you analyze the fundamental issues in the relationship. Cheating is usually a cancerous symptom of other problems in a relationship. It's never the correct course of action, and it's one of the worst things a person can do when they're unhappy in the relationship - that doesn't nullify the fact that it can bring out the underlying issues leading up to it. I am so sorry for your pain. You're in a horrible horrible situation - no one deserves to be where you are now. It might help to make lists....if he's not willing to speak to you to resolve this or go to counselling with you, then you may want to move on...it's not worth the pain that will continue to come at you if he won't communicate with you enough to work through this. Whatever was wrong before he cheated (if anything), that will have to be handled apart from this...in addition to it....but he needs to be able to see the difference between those problems and this situation. He needs to recognize that your pain and agony is justified - and that if you're going to survive this as a couple together - he will need to work with you on it. And in return, if he actually does work with you, you will need to set a limit...make yourself stop bringing it up and throwing it in his face...obviously in the beginning you have every right - but a person can only apologize so much and for so long. If you feel you won't ever be able to get to a point where the affair doesn't come up in every fight and every bad moment down the line, then you won't truly be happy - and neither will he. You might want to try Marriagebuilders.com, too, there is plenty of good advice on there. I am so sorry for your pain...I hope you take the time to take care of yourself in all of this.
YellowShark Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 But It recenty has come to light that last year he got another woman pregnant... How old is this other child? Secondly it is a pretty big secret to keep from your fiance that you have another child. Just my opinion.
Woman In Blue Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 What would I do in this situation? I'd run so freakin fast I'd leave skid marks. Your fiancee has created a world of hurt and disaster - and all he can is, "I'm sorry?" What a jack-hole. Well, this is what you can expect for the next 18-21 years: lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and LOTS of drama, 33% of his paycheck going to child support (which is pretty much the standard for most states), court battle after court battle after court battle each time she gets a hair up her ass and decides he's not treating her kid with as much favor as he's treating yours and his child, playing stepmommy to a child you had virtually no hand in creating but now get to raise every other weekend and whatever other days he gets (if he chooses to keep in contact with the child) to say NOTHING of the constant reminder of his sleazy behavior which CREATED this situation, having to explain to YOUR child the dirty deed his father did and that's why he suddenly has a 'step-sister,' having the OW in your face for the next 18-21 years and never being able to forget about his hideous betrayal, being hauled into Family Services court every few years when she's allowed to review her child support case and 'up' the ante thus taking MORE of your family's income.... Shall I go on? I'd run like all the Devils in Hell were after me. And I'd STILL be running.
Holding-On Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 Hello..Im.. Devastated... and other than my mother I feel like I have no where else to turn or talk to..Iv'e been with my fiance for 6 years now we got engaged last year..And I love him very much we have 1 child together he's 5years old. Me and my fiance have our issue's like any other couple..And my fiance has allways been a big flirt i have allways been aware of that..But I never really became jealous because of it..But It recenty has come to light that last year he got another woman pregnant...The woman actually came to my house after I assumed he was telling her he was going to call off our wedding and be with her...At first I was in denial about it but after i seen the little girl she looks exactly like him big brown eyes and all.... After I had a conversation with this OW..She told me how they had been long time friends and she said in the beginning she knew nothing about me..IDK if I believe that or not..And when I talk to my fiance about it he gets really angry,,he's told me he's sorry but i feel so betrayed that this happened..I dont know if i can ever forgive him..I still love him and i dont want to give up on our relationship..I guess i wouldn't feel so bad if their was not an innocent child involved..I so confused Should I give him another chance??..And what would any of you women due in this situation? He does not sound in the slightest bit remorseful or responsible. It seems he would have married you without telling you. I would separate for a time (at least 3 months) and see how you feel when it is less in your face and emotional. But if it was me I would move on.
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