Open Letter for hope

[Sorry]

I know there is no point in trying to talk to you or explain or justify myself. I need, however, to get these things out of my head and out of my heart. So I'll send them to God. I don't know where these letters will land or if it will be read or just swept into the gutter but maybe releasing them will release my pain.

I was alone when I met you, but now I know being alone is better than being empty. My husband hadn't touched or kissed me in five years. He wasn't neglectful or abusive but he forgot to love me. It was as if all the air in the world had left and I was willing to wait forever for just one more breath. I wanted him to give me that breath but instead you did. I didn't expect it, but you made me feel beautiful and alive again and so I clung on because I could breath again. I know now these were all lies I don't know if it was intentional or not, nor do I care. I don't care because even if your words weren't genuine, my feelings were.

You seemed just as hurt and damaged as me and I thought we could heal together. My husband was the only person to ever love me. I'll spare the details but he was the only one to ever say the words and I knew it was true. He didn't have to say the words, I felt his love like a warmth over my soul. One day it stopped, it didn't slow down to a crawl or fizzled out, it just halted. And I laid next to him for five years waiting for it to return.

You told me that you could never love again, I just saw that as a sign you could never love me or give me the chance to show you what love was. It was the deprivation of love that made me act so irrational, I know that any memories you keep of me will be of this pathetic girl. I'll live on in your mind as another conquest or another weak person. I need someone to know that's not true. I overcame rape, I over came emotional and physical abuse. I overcame being a teenage mother and I am strong and I am funny and I am intelligent. You'll never know that girl and in some ways I feel sorry for you, because she would have showed you love, laughter and kindness to her full capabilities. My husband thinks the affair saved our marriage, that it was our wake up call. Maybe he's right, perhaps, I'll feel again. I don't why I have a sense of obligation after what you did to me, but I want you to know you'll love again and you should for your son, so he can see how strong you are. I'm grateful that you did blow me off because had you lead me on any longer I would have ruined what little I have left but maybe there is enough left to rebuild.

[silktricks]

Good luck to you and yours. I hope for you to have a happy future.

[ShatteredReality]

In the beginning it's all raw emotion and one realization following another - I hope you can rebuild, heal, move forward, and that your family can as well.