JustOne Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 Hello I confessed to my husband 6 months ago that I had an affair my former coworker. Lasted 10 months. I was just wondering why hasn't he gotten angry with me about it. Never yelled at me or anything. All he asked for was that I find another job, which I did, and never speak to my affair partner again (which I have done also). I have been completely remorseful and I give him his space. He never asked about details or anything. He just checks up on my whereabouts from time to time and asks me where I have been when I come home but that's about it. I never asked him straight up why he never asked me any questions about it. I don't want to come off as being mean. Is this his way of healing or is it something else?
reboot Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 While many do, not everyone needs that information. I never did. My mind made up plenty enough to keep me occupied, I didn't need the actual sordid details to add to that.
ver13 Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 Hello I confessed to my husband 6 months ago that I had an affair my former coworker. Lasted 10 months. I was just wondering why hasn't he gotten angry with me about it. Never yelled at me or anything. All he asked for was that I find another job, which I did, and never speak to my affair partner again (which I have done also). I have been completely remorseful and I give him his space. He never asked about details or anything. He just checks up on my whereabouts from time to time and asks me where I have been when I come home but that's about it. I never asked him straight up why he never asked me any questions about it. I don't want to come off as being mean. Is this his way of healing or is it something else? Ask yourself this if it were you standing in his place would you react the same? IMO I would watch out because I think that a quite storm is brewing. This is from a male prospective I really don't know to many men that can take the "PA" thing laying down much less one that lasted 10 months.
Author JustOne Posted August 5, 2011 Author Posted August 5, 2011 Ask yourself this if it were you standing in his place would you react the same? IMO I would watch out because I think that a quite storm is brewing. This is from a male prospective I really don't know to many men that can take the "PA" thing laying down much less one that lasted 10 months. Do you think I should ask him? Or should I just leave it alone?
road Posted August 6, 2011 Posted August 6, 2011 (edited) Hello I confessed to my husband 6 months ago that I had an affair my former coworker. Lasted 10 months. I was just wondering why hasn't he gotten angry with me about it. Never yelled at me or anything. All he asked for was that I find another job, which I did, and never speak to my affair partner again (which I have done also). I have been completely remorseful and I give him his space. He never asked about details or anything. He just checks up on my whereabouts from time to time and asks me where I have been when I come home but that's about it. I never asked him straight up why he never asked me any questions about it. I don't want to come off as being mean. Is this his way of healing or is it something else? There is never a wrong response to an affair. There are many ways for a BS to respond. There are BH's that if they knew videos of their WW and OM going at it they would have to watch everyone. Most BH's dont' go to this level. Many ask countless questions. As they get answers it inspires new never thought of questions to be asked. When WW answers these, the cycle repeats until the BH has reached his need to know level is reached. Some BH's want detailed timelines. Everything that was said between APs's and if he was mentioned. Equipment comparisons. Total physical encounters. Some BH only want to know if the affair is over, and if their WW is going to stay with them. Some are in between. Some are not smart enough to know as your BH does that you must have NC forever and had to leave that job. Only a BH knows how much detail he needs and can handle. So the best thing for you to do is let your BH control what he needs to know. He made be afraid to ask. Maybe not know how to approach the subject. So the best way to handle this is to tell your BH that if he ever needs to talk or ask anything about what happened affair related he can always ask you. That you will not hide any detail but that you will try to answer his questions to the level of detail that his question asks for. And that BH if you feel you ever need a more detailed answer just say so and I will try to give you what you want. And will do so until your needs are met. Let his questions guide your answers. Be 100% honest but gentle. Eample: BH How was the sex with the OM? WW I enjoyed it. You don't say the OM lasted for 30 min, that you had 3 O's in that time, OM made you so wet you had to change the sheets before you and OM went at it for the second time. Your BH did not ask for that level of detail. Now if your BH followed up with BH Did OM make you O? WW Yes. Wait for BH to ask how many times. You can share this with BH, that once a question has been answered what has been heard can't be unsaid. Also not every BH goes through an angry phase. And if they do it usually does not start till 6 months past Dday. This phase lasts for 6 months on average. Your BH is acting normal. It's just that most don't respond without asking questions. Edited August 6, 2011 by road
whichwayisup Posted August 6, 2011 Posted August 6, 2011 Hello I confessed to my husband 6 months ago that I had an affair my former coworker. Lasted 10 months. I was just wondering why hasn't he gotten angry with me about it. Never yelled at me or anything. All he asked for was that I find another job, which I did, and never speak to my affair partner again (which I have done also). I have been completely remorseful and I give him his space. He never asked about details or anything. He just checks up on my whereabouts from time to time and asks me where I have been when I come home but that's about it. I never asked him straight up why he never asked me any questions about it. I don't want to come off as being mean. Is this his way of healing or is it something else? He is probably deeply hurt and angry inside but isn't going to show his emotions to you. Either it's his wall up to protect himself and he doesn't want to deal with this, sort through it and easier on him to sweep it under the rug or he's waiting to see what happens next (if you and OM talk again or see eachother again) and he'll blow up. I think you should talk to him and ask him why he isn't communicating with you, and tell him how you feel. It isn't mean to ask him what is going on inside of him.
John Michael Kane Posted August 6, 2011 Posted August 6, 2011 Hello I confessed to my husband 6 months ago that I had an affair my former coworker. Lasted 10 months. I was just wondering why hasn't he gotten angry with me about it. Never yelled at me or anything. All he asked for was that I find another job, which I did, and never speak to my affair partner again (which I have done also). I have been completely remorseful and I give him his space. He never asked about details or anything. He just checks up on my whereabouts from time to time and asks me where I have been when I come home but that's about it. I never asked him straight up why he never asked me any questions about it. I don't want to come off as being mean. Is this his way of healing or is it something else? Maybe (hopefully) he's getting ready to divorce. Or it could be he's suppressing how he feels because that's his way of protecting himself. Either way leave it alone until he decides to speak to you (if he ever does).
reboot Posted August 6, 2011 Posted August 6, 2011 There is never a wrong response to an affair. There are many ways for a BS to respond. There are BH's that if they knew videos of their WW and OM going at it they would have to watch everyone. Most BH's dont' go to this level. Many ask countless questions. As they get answers it inspires new never thought of questions to be asked. When WW answers these, the cycle repeats until the BH has reached his need to know level is reached. Some BH's want detailed timelines. Everything that was said between APs's and if he was mentioned. Equipment comparisons. Total physical encounters. Some BH only want to know if the affair is over, and if their WW is going to stay with them. Some are in between. Some are not smart enough to know as your BH does that you must have NC forever and had to leave that job. Only a BH knows how much detail he needs and can handle. So the best thing for you to do is let your BH control what he needs to know. He made be afraid to ask. Maybe not know how to approach the subject. So the best way to handle this is to tell your BH that if he ever needs to talk or ask anything about what happened affair related he can always ask you. That you will not hide any detail but that you will try to answer his questions to the level of detail that his question asks for. And that BH if you feel you ever need a more detailed answer just say so and I will try to give you what you want. And will do so until your needs are met. Let his questions guide your answers. Be 100% honest but gentle. Eample: BH How was the sex with the OM? WW I enjoyed it. You don't say the OM lasted for 30 min, that you had 3 O's in that time, OM made you so wet you had to change the sheets before you and OM went at it for the second time. Your BH did not ask for that level of detail. Now if your BH followed up with BH Did OM make you O? WW Yes. Wait for BH to ask how many times. You can share this with BH, that once a question has been answered what has been heard can't be unsaid. Also not every BH goes through an angry phase. And if they do it usually does not start till 6 months past Dday. This phase lasts for 6 months on average. Your BH is acting normal. It's just that most don't respond without asking questions. Very insightful post. You can't go too far wrong following this advice.
Bryanp Posted August 6, 2011 Posted August 6, 2011 Have you told your husband that you have now been checked for STD's? Have you told your husband who he is? Have you written a no contact letter to the OM? Have you both decided to go to marriage counseling? Have you notified the OM's wife or girlfriend? I guarantee you he is devastated but not showing it. My guess is that it is his pride. You have destroyed him to his core. If the roles were reversed what would you want from him? You have humiliated and totally disrespected him. He could be in shock and the anger phase will hit later. He could be preparing for divorce. He just may not be able to bring it up by himself. I think you need to discuss it with him why you hurt him like this and threaten your marriage with him. Having him trying to sweep it away is the worse thing you can do. You need to discuss this with him now. Good luck.
Author JustOne Posted August 6, 2011 Author Posted August 6, 2011 Thanks guys I will tell him that. I just don't want to hurt him anymore.
Author JustOne Posted August 6, 2011 Author Posted August 6, 2011 Have you told your husband that you have now been checked for STD's? Have you told your husband who he is? Have you written a no contact letter to the OM? Have you both decided to go to marriage counseling? Have you notified the OM's wife or girlfriend? Yes I did everything except the last two questions. He refused to go to marriage counseling and the other guy has no wife or girlfriend. I guarantee you he is devastated but not showing it. My guess is that it is his pride. You have destroyed him to his core. If the roles were reversed what would you want from him? You have humiliated and totally disrespected him. He could be in shock and the anger phase will hit later. He could be preparing for divorce. He just may not be able to bring it up by himself. I think you need to discuss it with him why you hurt him like this and threaten your marriage with him. Having him trying to sweep it away is the worse thing you can do. You need to discuss this with him now. Good luck. You're right. Thanks again.
Chi townD Posted August 6, 2011 Posted August 6, 2011 (edited) He's a not a short fuser. But, believe me, sooner or later he's gonna pop. Could be when he's had too much to drink. By the way, watch out for his drinking habits. If he's drinking more than he usually does, he's trying to numb the pain. He might be still in shock and has absolutely no idea how to process this. When he does pop, be ready for it. He is gonna say the most hurtful things you ever heard coming out of him. It's because he wants you to feel how much pain he's actually in by hurting you with his words. Don't get angry at him. He has EVERY RIGHT to be angry with you. I STRONGLY recommend that you two seek marriage counseling. If he doesn't want to go, do whatever you can to get him there. Now here's the part you don't want to hear. You are out of the drivers seat. Anything that's going to happen with this relationship is his choice now. He may very well may leave you and there's really nothing you can do about it. Perphaps he's calm because he's already resign to the fact that he is going to leave when the time is right. That's why I believe it's important that you get to marriage counseling as quickly as possible. If he doesn't go the YOU go. Edited August 6, 2011 by Chi townD
cupshalfempty Posted August 6, 2011 Posted August 6, 2011 I am the ow now, but I have been the bs. I didn't ask questions because I was fearful of the answers. I didn't want details. My own imagination went wild with situations, and in all honesty I clung to the possibility that I was wrong and over exagerating. I didn't want confirmation of my worst fears. I didn't want to hear his voice tell me anything because then I knew that I'd pick things apart and have words repeat themselves in my mind over and over again. Yes it eroded our marriage. Although there were so many other things that were bad with both of us it def wasn't the main breaking point. I stayed with him 10 years after, believing everytime he left there was a huge possibility he was with someone else (now he went out...every single night for 17 years) He got caught once..I was 5 months pg..and went out with a gf, came home and he had her and another couple over, porn on...my bed was a mess..I stormed in and kicked everyone including him out. I collapsed for awhile and when I took him back I told myself accept it or don't. I didn't want answers. I was way to scared of what I would be told. No...I never really forgave him.
Author JustOne Posted August 7, 2011 Author Posted August 7, 2011 So I told him after he came home from work over dinner. I said if you had anything to ask me about what happened don't be afraid to ask me about it. He asked me was I referring to my affair and I said yes. He asked me why was I telling him this now and I said it's just a little unusual that you're not angry at me. Long story short he called me a selfish piece of ****, said **** you and went upstairs to the bedroom and slammed the door. I'll just wait for him to wake up to apologize. I don't want to lose him. Thanks again.
whichwayisup Posted August 7, 2011 Posted August 7, 2011 So I told him after he came home from work over dinner. I said if you had anything to ask me about what happened don't be afraid to ask me about it. He asked me was I referring to my affair and I said yes. He asked me why was I telling him this now and I said it's just a little unusual that you're not angry at me. Long story short he called me a selfish piece of ****, said **** you and went upstairs to the bedroom and slammed the door. I'll just wait for him to wake up to apologize. I don't want to lose him. Thanks again. He's afraid of what he feels. Facing the anger, the hurt, learning to trust you again.. I'm suggesting you two find a good marriage counsellor. Hopefully he's willing to go.
Bryanp Posted August 7, 2011 Posted August 7, 2011 You did the right thing. It shows you how angry and emotionally in pain he is in. My guess is he is wondering why did you not say this to him immediately after D Day? I think this shows it is eating him up inside.
whichwayisup Posted August 7, 2011 Posted August 7, 2011 You did the right thing. It shows you how angry and emotionally in pain he is in. My guess is he is wondering why did you not say this to him immediately after D Day? I think this shows it is eating him up inside. I think she did try to talk to him back then but he shut her out completely and seemed to not want to talk about it.
anne1707 Posted August 7, 2011 Posted August 7, 2011 So I told him after he came home from work over dinner. I said if you had anything to ask me about what happened don't be afraid to ask me about it. He asked me was I referring to my affair and I said yes. He asked me why was I telling him this now and I said it's just a little unusual that you're not angry at me. Long story short he called me a selfish piece of ****, said **** you and went upstairs to the bedroom and slammed the door. I'll just wait for him to wake up to apologize. I don't want to lose him. Thanks again. Following my affair, my H did not ask for details. But he was angry and I did express my concerns that he bottled this anger up but he was quite adamant that this was his way of dealing with things. He did not want to show that anger because he was worried about the harm that may have done to us. As this quiet, inner strength is something that he has always shown, I had to trust him when he said what he was doing was right for him. Your husband's outburst is a release of pent up (understandable) anger - he needs to find a way of dealing with that whether that be on his own, through IC, MC or just talking to you. He cannot let it eat away at him for his sake as well as for the sake of your marriage.
ver13 Posted August 7, 2011 Posted August 7, 2011 So I told him after he came home from work over dinner. I said if you had anything to ask me about what happened don't be afraid to ask me about it. He asked me was I referring to my affair and I said yes. He asked me why was I telling him this now and I said it's just a little unusual that you're not angry at me. Long story short he called me a selfish piece of ****, said **** you and went upstairs to the bedroom and slammed the door. I'll just wait for him to wake up to apologize. I don't want to lose him. Thanks again. I had a feeling that something like this would happen he's very hurt and angry right now and your walkng around trying to explain something that will never be explainable won't help. Look let him have sometime to get his head around this whole situation and see were he see's your M is going at this point in time. At the end of the day he will have to work through it or leave you in either case all you can do is offer to go to MC and see where it takes you.
Author JustOne Posted August 8, 2011 Author Posted August 8, 2011 Well we talked. I was trying to apologize when he interrupted me and said that he feels I'm trying to control his feelings and how he should deal with this affair. He said he feels by bringing this up I'm trying to rub it in his face. I didn't respond, but I could stop myself from crying. He screamed me to just get the **** out the house. Pack a bag and get the **** out, I'm disgusting. It felt embarrassing having to leave. Now I'm at my brother's with his family. I told him what happened and he said I could stay for a few days to give him time to cool down. I can't express enough how grateful it is to have him as a brother, but part of me also feels like I'm interrupting his life with my problems. Maybe I'll go to a hotel or something tomorrow. I have screwed up everything and I feel helpless knowing I cannot do anything about it. Maybe next time I speak with him he'll be ready to divorce me, and that's if we ever speak again. I don't blame him. I'm going to go cry myself to sleep now. Thanks again for helping.
Recommended Posts