Hurt, Angry,

[1Dunno]

Been implementing NC with the ex for close to 2 weeks now. Was starting to feel better. Then she initiates contact at work making inane smalltalk. I was just polite and answered her questions, but didn't go much further than that.

 

Then tonight I'm out with some mates (mutual friends), and she rocks up with her ex. She wants to try and be friendly by making small talk, I answer politely but tactically try and avoid conversation with her.

 

Then she suggests that we all (including her ex) come around to my house tomorrow night to watch the Rugby. I feel pressured as all of my (our) mates are expecting me to say yes. I haven't agreed to anything yet.

 

Seriously, what a f****d up situation. It's as if she doesn't expect it to be awkward. I'm trying my best to heal and move on by avoiding contact but she has no clue how much it's affecting me. It doesn't help when most of our friends are mutual friends.

 

I'm trying every outlet I can find to take my mind off her. Regularly going to the gym, being busy with interesting work.

 

I honestly don't know how much more of this I can take. I feel like I'm going to explode.

Edited August 5, 2011 by 1Dunno

[Diatribes]

In my opinion, it seems rather crass of her to want to come over to your house... with her ex?

I wouldn't do it. You're leaving yourself way open to hostility and compromising your emotional state.

[smudge21]

Yeah agree here, for whatever reason, it's clear she's not considering your feelings. I mean, she may think you're fine with it all now and just want to be friendly - so it may be completely innocent on her side. You know her, do you think this is something nasty she's doing on purpose?

 

I'd personally tell her and her alone that she can't come over and simply say why - that it may dig up feelings that you're trying to get past. Plus, if this is going to keep happening then you need to sort it for good.

 

I don't know the background for the breakup but I'm guessing she went back to her ex. I know that feeling and I also know how much it can hurt having mutual friends and even all meeting up, including the ex and their ex, back together. I had to force the smiles through at times and hide my feelings until I really couldn't stand it anymore and said goodbye totally. It split up some friends, but it was the only option.

 

As you told me in my thread, you have to look after yourself, so if this hurts that don't do it anymore.

[1Dunno]

Thanks Diatribes, thanks Smudge21.

 

You're dead right, I need to let her know how I feel, and that this kind of thing is completely unacceptable. Otherwise she's just going to continue oblivious to the grief that she's causing me. I think I'm going to send her a letter.

 

I have been a bit reluctant to do so for fear of what she might think, and for potentially ruining any chance I had of getting her back (which I am slowing coming to realise will never happen). And also for fear of fracturing friendships with our mutual friends. But it's not about her anymore, it's not about them (friends), it's about me, and my own best interests.

 

Stating the obvious I know, but sometimes writing this kind of thing out helps reinforce the message.

[smudge21]

I know exactly how you feel right now. I was in the same boat and had to do something about it. The fact for me was also that my ex clearly still had feelings like I did, so when we'd meet up there was always that closeness - to most it often looked like we were the couple, not her and her ex that she'd got back with.

 

No two ways about it, I went through a lot of pain because of this. Really thought I could keep the friendship as I too believed and wanted to get her back, so keeping her close was my choice. That was never going to be the case because for someone to come back, they have to miss you first - I was still around, so how could she even begin to miss me.

 

I sent a long goodbye email stating everything, and I mean everything. It was going to be my last contact so it was important to get it all out. A few texts afterwards and some sadness of both ends and that was it... for 4 months. I started to hear that she was missing me and had been checking out my FB profile (I removed her but didn't block her and my profile is open to friends of friends). When she started texting, just polite stuff, I texted back. Afterall, there was no bitterness between us and I do still see her as friend.

 

From my other thread you know the rest and things are going more downhill from there, but that's not to do with us. If anything it did prove to me that she does still have feelings and that going away she clearly did miss me. I'm not saying the same will happen for you, but in order to feel better you have to set her free. It's hard but I think it's your only option to help you heal. Good luck.

[1Dunno]

Thanks smudge. It really helps hearing from someone in a similar boat, knowing that there are other people going through the same thing... not that I would wish this kind of hurt on any decent human being. I've drafted a letter, posted below. I am going to reread and refine it over at least a week or so. I understand that you don't know exactly what's transpired between us, but at the moment we're on pretty good terms. Any thoughts/advice on the letter would be really appreciated.

 

Hey xxxxx,

 

Hope that you’re going well.

 

I just wanted to let you know that I’ve been doing a lot of thinking over the past couple of months, and think that it’s important for me to share my thoughts with you.

 

After having a chat with you when you got back from xxxxx, the last few months have been pretty hard for me. I’ve had a lot of emotions and probably haven’t always expressed them in an ideal way. I’d be lying if I said that you didn’t hurt me. Please don’t think that I’m blaming you. Sometimes in life people aren’t supposed to be, and I understand that. Our time together was short but it felt like I got to know you well. You meant/mean more to me than you probably know.

 

Sometimes I get the impression from you that I may have said or done something to hurt, offend, or give you the wrong impression regarding my intentions. Whilst I hope that’s not the case, I’m sorry if it is.

 

I guess what I’m trying to get at is that I don’t think that I can continue to be “friends” with you. As happy as I am for you, it hurts me too much to see you with another guy. It hurts me too much when you call and ask for favours. It often seems that the only time you initiate contact with me is when you need a favour, and that hurts. It hurts even more as it often feels like the favours I do you aren’t appreciated. I’m not being fair to myself trying to put on the brave face and be your friend. I know that I’m worth more than that.

 

I need to do what’s right for me and I think that’s limiting my contact with you as much as possible so I can keep a clear head and ensure that I focus on what’s important to me. I understand that this is probably a bit hard given that we work at the same place and have mutual friends. But I just need you to understand why I’ll be so stand-offish.

 

Please don’t take this is a personal attack. I don’t hate you. Like I said, I care for you more than you probably know, which is why I need to do this. Not sure if you feel compelled to respond. It would be nice to about things from your side of the fence for one last time, but I will understand if I don’t.

 

Take care of yourself.

[smudge21]

Very nice letter, but I would warn you about leaving it open. Is it a goodbye letter or not? Are you strong enough to say goodbye? You need to decide. Stating that you'd like her to get back and not really being that clear about saying goodbye is like leaving the door open and by doing so you're keeping that hope alive. I would bet after you've sent it you'll be waiting for a response, and if you don't get one, you'll be more hurt.

 

Decide what it is you really really want and stick to it. If it is saying goodbye then make it so. Fair enough you may still bump into each other or at least hear about each other, but she has to know you are serious about this. Not just taking a vacation for a few weeks.

 

Even though I said goodbye, me ex still questioned it and tried to keep me close. When she realised I was going, she was upset but respected my wishes. I did think that would be the last I would hear from her. However, clearly I'm not the only one with feelings in that situation.

 

I like the letter, but I just think the ending and purpose needs to be clearer.

[1Dunno]

Thanks for the feedback. Fair call with leaving the letter open like that. All things considered I think that it's highly unlikely that she'd reply, so agree that I need to make it clear to her that this is it, no chances at friendship.

[smudge21]

Yeah, if you leave it open with "... maybe in the future we can... " sort of thing, then in the back of your mind you know you're not saying goodbye, so it's not closure and things are left open.

 

Just remember, no one knows what the future holds.