babyygirllhi Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 (edited) This will be long, but i'm in serious need of some advice. Any advice is truly appreciated! My bf broke up with me after 1 year because he wants/needs to be alone. He is NOT the typical guy. He has only been attracted (like wanting someone sexually) to me, all other girls he dated would come onto him, not vise versa, and when they wanted something more he would stop seeing them. He didn't like to party, drink, and he was into staying at home and reading, learning, trying to come up with a way to make money on his own. Like in his own way, so he can do whatever he wants. He drives a motorcycle and he has his parachting license. He just really likes to be free and independent. Would never be able to depend on anyone else. etc. I thnk deep down he is this sweet, emotional guy but then on the other hand he has this "idea" of a person he is trying to make himself into. (Its like he has 2 sides...the sweet emotionl, cries to movies, and then the other side of him trying to build himself up to this extremely free and independent guy). Almost as if the world is black and white. He is probably an introvert, I think... He is fun and outgoing, likes to do things, learn, intellectual, etc. He is 22, im 24. We met and he fell in love for the first time. From the beginning he was very independent and wasnt prepared to fall in love and I felt this, and me being a very romantic, loving girl I ended up feeling worse and worse bc he wasn't giving me the emotions I need, the attention i need. I tnk he had a hard time showing love. However, this got better and better, and I knwo he has it in him. He told me when we met that he saw himself being who he wants to be at age 30. never thought about marriage either. however that changed after i explained my idea of love,and he still says he loves how i see love. and admitted to wanting to marry me some day, and we made up baby names, etc. He is bad at communicating his emotions. And to be honest, he doesn't know what he is feeling when he feels things. He is also is a person who doesnt take in everything at once. So if we are in a huge loud city, he said it feels liek his mind blocks things out so he doesnt take everything in at once. Also, he isnt the type who feels a need to express himself. Like, most people get this feeling inside of them that they have to let it out when somehting really great happens, but he doesnt. Also, he never has had the feeling of "i cant eat, im too excited, or too sad". When we broke up and i got skinny and told him why, he couldnt understand that feeling. We jumped into a serious relationship the first week, and were together 24/7 for 1 year. So this was a HUGE change for him. Going from always being alone, like always... because thts what he liked, to spending every second of every day and night with me. Im american, he is swedish, but ive lived in sweden for 4 years and when we met i told him i would be planning to move back to florida. He said great, i have always planned on moving where it's hotter, i cant stand the swedish winters. So, we travlled to florida where im from, he loved it and says its the number 1 place he would live. Then, instead of staing in sweden for the winter, we travelled to asia for 3 months. (when we met, he had a plan to go there alone .. but after we met he couldnt not be with me...). Also, before we met, he had plans to move in with his friend so they could work togethr to come up with a way to make money. But then he decided to be with me instead, which was in a different city since i was studying. Through the whole relationship, something was always wrong. He wasn't able to work on his ideas of making money, it's like he didn't know how to handle a girlfriend while having his friends still and working on business idea. He says i'm the perfect girl, he loves the way i thnk, see life, my looks are perfect, and he is still in love with me and i'm his best friend. also that he has opened up to me WAY mre than anyone. but he broke up with me. When we broke up , he couldnt handle it. It was a long process and in the beginning he said "I need to figure out if I can give you 100% like you deserve, or if I need to be alone"... he needed to be alone. I gave him options, told him we were together 24/7 and we can have a normal relationship. He said "no, that wont work. I need to be alone, not single, alone. do what i need for me to feel good." Plus when i asked him if he sees us together in the future he said "omg yes, but i dont want to tell you this because then it just wont work, you cant wait for me, then it..it just wont work". when i asked how he feels if i date someone he replied that he cant and doesnt think aobut that. he has said he missed my smile, laugh, smell, our conversations, etc ... but that it doesnt matter, he needs to be alone..for years he says. I FEEL that he is still in love with me, he does NOT want anyone else, but needs to be alone.... that is all i got out of him. nothing about "we moved too fast, im not ready to move to florida", just "i need to be alone". So i was a MESS. an insane mess. he is in love, and i feel it, and this is the guy i truly see as my BEST friend, the perfect father, im SOO attracted, etc. But would he ever change, or would he always have to leave to "fix things" in his life? This was about 1.5 month ago, however we actually stopped seeing eachother about 3 weeks ago, he moved into an apartment (for 1 month) in a big city with the guy he wanted to work with, and have only talked 2 times since then. He knew he hurt me and respected me when I said i cant talk, etc. About 9 days after we stopped seeing eachother, i told him i could talk and he said "great!" and called me that night. He called and was telling me how he is lost, doesnt know what he wants in life. He just doesnt want to work, he wants to be able to do what he wants, build himself as a person. I ended the convo and he sounded a little surprised (since its ALWAYS him leaving first, ending convos, etc). also, im moving back to florida in 20 days and when i told him he sounded shocked and said "I can come to you on my way back home before you move" (we are in diff cities now). i said no its not a good idea. and he said nervously "well we can talk about it later, dont decide now". then he sent a text after saying "your words are wisdom to me, you know me. its hard to talk but i think its good for both of us. talk to you after italy. have fun!" . (i went to italy and got back 2 days ago). 2 days ago, coming back from Italy, i wrote him a long mail about how i feel better about myself, needed to be alone and saw some things, how i was very pushy and jealous with him, plus just different issues i had with my family etc when we were tgoether. then i told him that i respect that he needs to be alone and that im here for him. but that id be busy studying when i got back to sweden, before moving to florida. The second he read this mail, he called me. said he was very happy we could talk and very happy with what i wrote in the mail. we talked about what is going on in our lives etc. he is working on a blog with his friend and he is working on writing a few books, etc then...this is the wierd thing. I had dinner with his parents about 1 week ago, to tell them goodbye, and they didnt know what happened with us. They knew we broke up, but NOTHING more. and his mom said "well, i hope he isn't all talk" (since he isnt working etc). and when i was on the phone with him, he asked again if he can stop and say goodbye. i said "no, its not a good idea, i dont think i can". and he replied "but how come my parents got to say bye to you, and not me?!" and he sounded like he was pleading. DOES HE NOT UDNERSTAND THAT MY HEART IS BROKEN AND THAT IF I WOULD SEE HIM I WOULD ONLY WANT TO BE WITH HIM?! WOULDNT HE HAVE A HARD TIME LEAVING ME?? Is he an idiot, to not even udnerstand that?! What is this?! I realize he is "different" but will he really get to that point in life where he gets his own career and money, and then finally be able to relax and show love? im INSANELY in love, he is my BEST friend, and i love the way he motivates me, he is so positive, and all that... but what do I do? it feels like he is so independent, in NO need of others to push him or give ideas etc, so he doesnt unerstand that other people lke that. Should I see him to say goodbye and let him FEEL my presence, feel me not being his girlfriend (i will be strictly a friend, however not too nice of course). Just, normal. Not sad, not too happy, etc. And then tell him that since he wants to be alone, and doesnt need me, i cant talk anymore until i am over him and have moved on ? And let him truly feel this ? I seriously dont think he realizes what breaking up means... he thinks he can still see me sometimes???? WTF? Plus, isnt it a very bad thing for him to have to be on his own to do this, and not be able to work me in his life? I TRULY believe i am perfect for him, its nothing to do with me, it's all to do with him. thats what keeps me hanging on sure, i might meet a guy in a few months that is great, and maybe i fall il ove, but i dont see myself ever letting him go:( Edited August 5, 2011 by babyygirllhi
iJester Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 You're right not to see him. Tell him what you told us here. Your heart is broken and you can't see him. Tell him that his parents didn't do that to you, so you can still bear to see them. Tell him not to contact you anymore unless he is ready to try again. Also wish him luck in making all the money he possibly can, and you hope it makes him happy.
perpetual_illusion Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 When I first started reading this, I thought you might be my ex before I got to the Sweden part. I feel like you just described me, so maybe I can offer some insight. First, I would like to agree with iJester, you are right to not want to see him one more time, you need the lack of contact to heal and move on in your life. I really felt like you were describing me, except for the crying at movies thing. I just came out of a _very_ similar relationship scenario, including not giving her what she wanted, she broke it off, I realized that I really loved her, we got back together, I became too invested, and now we've split again. I think what it comes down to is that there's something missing in life and he's trying to find it. He probably has something to prove to himself. He probably knows what he wants to grow into. I know that I want to grow into and be everything that I can be for myself, before I can join and grow with another person. It's tough, but it sounds like it's just not your time. Maybe a few years down the road you'll get in touch again and things will work out. Then again, maybe you'll meet someone else. It's a really ****ty situation when two people meet who really fit well together, but just aren't in the right stages of life to make things work.
Author babyygirllhi Posted August 5, 2011 Author Posted August 5, 2011 (edited) When I first started reading this, I thought you might be my ex before I got to the Sweden part. I feel like you just described me, so maybe I can offer some insight. First, I would like to agree with iJester, you are right to not want to see him one more time, you need the lack of contact to heal and move on in your life. I really felt like you were describing me, except for the crying at movies thing. I just came out of a _very_ similar relationship scenario, including not giving her what she wanted, she broke it off, I realized that I really loved her, we got back together, I became too invested, and now we've split again. I think what it comes down to is that there's something missing in life and he's trying to find it. He probably has something to prove to himself. He probably knows what he wants to grow into. I know that I want to grow into and be everything that I can be for myself, before I can join and grow with another person. It's tough, but it sounds like it's just not your time. Maybe a few years down the road you'll get in touch again and things will work out. Then again, maybe you'll meet someone else. It's a really ****ty situation when two people meet who really fit well together, but just aren't in the right stages of life to make things work. Its exremely tough. I actually called him, and we had a long conversation. I started out asking why he wanted to meet, and found out it was not to get back with me. When i asked what he expected, he said "i would pick you up, hold you, and i would cry". However, he said "i have already made the decision to be alone." I told him that he broke up with me, and by him doing that i would think he wants to be back with me .. and that he should respect my feelings. He said "but i'm hurting too... "He opened up more to me than he ever has, and when I told him this, he said "good". We both had cried, he had cried first. He admits that he doesn't feel this "I have to be with (me) feeling" however he went through a VERY tough time to get there. He said breaking up with me was the hardest thing he has ever been through. Also, we talked about how we both met at very bad times, and neither of us were the people we should be during the time we met. At first, in the beginning, he said "no, we will never be together again"... then later he started crying again and said "you are my best friend and i feel so bad thta i have lost you as that". When I asked if he wasnt attracted to me anymore, he started crying. Then he said "i am so attracted. dont ever think that. you did nothing wrong.." I asked him if he had been with anyone else. He said no...then admitted to kissing another girl. when i asked how it was, he said it was wierd... but yea, that hurt, howevr i said well ok, you can do what you want of course. i told him that i will move on now. and he said "if its meant o be it will be". it ended with me telling him i'm proud of him and he said the same. i also told him i have to decide if i can see him or not and that it has nothing to do with me not wanting to, i just need to make sure i can. When i was 17 i was in his position. i broke up with a guy, for no reason except that i wasnt ready for anything. i wanted to date around and just be young. i guess this isnt the same thing, because i dont think he wants to date around (but then again how do i know) plus he just isnt happy with himself. nothing to do with being with anyone. i guess ? what do you htink of this? would he truly break up wiht me if we werent good for eachother? or could we be meant to be, but bad timing and it works out? how do i deal with this? i want him and i dont know how to feel about him kissing someone else. is this just to get over me? or ? from what he has told me he hasnt been the type to just go out and kiss girls .. I guess the main thing is I always have followed my heart. But he is very into making himself into the person he wants to be. Is it that im much more mature? I want to better myself by being WITH him.. he needs to better himself by being alone. Am I the dumb one? Also, the main thing that I keep in mind is that I know when we met, he wasnt ready. He had a hard time deciding whether to be with me, or to continue with his life and plans. But he chose me. Now, he realized he couldnt make himself where he wanted to be while being with me, so he switched, broke up with me, and is back to where he was when we broke up. I just have never experienced this, so im confused Edited August 5, 2011 by babyygirllhi
perpetual_illusion Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 I think you hit the nail on the head when you said, "he just isn't happy with himself." You can't truly be in a happy, healthy relationship before you learn to be happy with and love yourself. I think he knows this. You could be an ideal match, but just met at the wrong time in life. I think right now you have to accept it for what it is. The only reason he wants to see you is to make it easier for himself, and that isn't fair to you. I would suggest losing contact with him. A break up is a break up and you need to accept it, heal, and move on with your life. There are other people out there, he's not the only one. You don't need to give up hope completely, but you need to get over him and be okay with yourself and the idea of things not working out. You'll get there, it just takes time. I would suggest looking into the Coping and Breaks and Breaking up Forums. Read around, you'll learn a lot. Read in the whole NC (No Contact) thing. All of your questions are normal, and to be honest, you might not ever find all the answers but, some will come with time.
Author babyygirllhi Posted August 5, 2011 Author Posted August 5, 2011 (edited) I think you hit the nail on the head when you said, "he just isn't happy with himself." You can't truly be in a happy, healthy relationship before you learn to be happy with and love yourself. I think he knows this. You could be an ideal match, but just met at the wrong time in life. I think right now you have to accept it for what it is. The only reason he wants to see you is to make it easier for himself, and that isn't fair to you. I would suggest losing contact with him. A break up is a break up and you need to accept it, heal, and move on with your life. There are other people out there, he's not the only one. You don't need to give up hope completely, but you need to get over him and be okay with yourself and the idea of things not working out. You'll get there, it just takes time. I would suggest looking into the Coping and Breaks and Breaking up Forums. Read around, you'll learn a lot. Read in the whole NC (No Contact) thing. All of your questions are normal, and to be honest, you might not ever find all the answers but, some will come with time. Ok I will look into that. Ive been in serious relationships, ive met other people, but HE is something special. Him and I have something truly special. We truly are the best of friends. And we are so attracted to eachther. I want to move on with life,enjoy being alone, but I also want to end up with him (of course if its meant to be). So what is best that I do? Just, dont talk much be be a friend? Im moving to Flroida in 20 days, so that enough is NC for me. I will be starting a new life, finding a job, meeting tons of people, so i dont feel a need to have absoltely NC. What do u think of this? Or maybe I meet him before i move, let us see eachohter one last time to see how it feels (will be almost one month of not seeing eachohter after being together 24/7 ...so i feel like it would be good to see how it feels). Then i move .. and then keep it NC? I feel that he loves me. Or does he just tink he does? Would it be possible that we are meant to be, if he had to break up with me to find himself? I sound crazy, huh? Im just having a hard time. Also, not like this matters, but both are good looking people. I will get attention if I want to and so will he .. but i dont want it.. Edited August 5, 2011 by babyygirllhi
perpetual_illusion Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 I understand where you're at right now with all the questions. See him if _you_ want to. But do read around the forums. Grieve for your loss, go through the healing process, you'll eventually get to a point where it wont hurt so much, your head will clear of all these questions and you will reach some form of understanding. I think the possibility of ending up together (being meant for each other) is an answer you'll find from within, with time. Good luck!
delilah123 Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 this is very very similar to me and my guy, we are only 21 but we met at 15 and loved eachother since then, then got together at 17.. after about 1 year it all got too much for him too. he isn't an introvert per say, but v similar in the 'wanting to be free' sense... he is leaving at the start of the year to travel solo around africa for a year and 1/2. he feels the same towards me as you describe, like i'm perfect he wants to marry me, we have baby names picked out and we can imagine life without eachother but he's just not ready. he went and saw three different councillors aboutt he issue because he and they all encouraged him to go on the trip to africa. soooo we're just hoping that when he comes back he might be in a better place and ready for one? I'm not much help because i'm in the same boat... we've been seeing eachother off and on for the past 2 1/2 years, because we can't say goodbye. If you can stay away i'd advise it... if you're pathetically in love like myself then fingers crossed it works out!
spiderowl Posted August 6, 2011 Posted August 6, 2011 (edited) My feeling is that this guy really likes you and wants you as a friend, maybe even a girlfriend one day. But, I also think he found the relationship with you much too intense. It sounds like he had no space to be himself. He sounds like the kind of guy who would mostly be alone, but occasionally meet up with others. My son is like this: he has little need for company most of the time. The problem is that a girlfriend would be demanding of his time and attention, quite naturally. If she was, he'd opt out and then miss her. But he would never get to the point of wanting that intense relationship back - he would always prefer something more relaxed and largely separate. He needs time to himself, to think, create, muse on things. He finds other people irritating most of the time. I don't think this guy will ever turn into what you need. I'm sure he does love and care about you, but he will never give you the intense emotional and physical closeness you need, only intermittently if at all. Because he needs his own space so much, he won't understand that you don't. He won't understand why you need to spend so much time and energy on him; he will just experience it as too much. Unless you realise this, you are going to be misunderstanding him all the time and feeling hurt. I think you have two choices: you can either accept that he cannot cope with an intense relationship and be prepared to have a very casual relationship with him and only see him about 1/4 as much as before, or give up on him and find someone who does like intensity and closeness as much as you. If you decide that he is the one you want and that you will let him have his space, you'd need to withdraw and let him come to you. Don't let him have a romantic relationship with you, unless that's clearly what he offers, keep it strictly casual friends. If he does want you, he will miss you and seek you out. He will eventually ask you on a date. However, as I said before, his needs are different and if you like things intense and close, he is not the one for you. Edited August 6, 2011 by spiderowl
WhyWontYouBe Posted August 6, 2011 Posted August 6, 2011 Let me tell you something sis, he doesn't get it, because he isn't in the same place as you are viewing this RS. His heart is long moved on that's why it's hard for him to see how hard it is for you. I'm sorry though, I'm sure you will find your knight in shining armor soon!
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