babyygirllhi Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 (edited) This will be long, but i'm in serious need of some advice. Any advice is truly appreciated! My bf broke up with me after 1 year because he wants/needs to be alone. He is NOT the typical guy. He has only been attracted (like wanting someone sexually) to me, all other girls he dated would come onto him, not vise versa, and when they wanted something more he would stop seeing them. He didn't like to party, drink, and he was into staying at home and reading, learning, trying to come up with a way to make money on his own. Like in his own way, so he can do whatever he wants. He drives a motorcycle and he has his parachting license. He just really likes to be free and independent. Would never be able to depend on anyone else. etc. I thnk deep down he is this sweet, emotional guy but then on the other hand he has this "idea" of a person he is trying to make himself into. (Its like he has 2 sides...the sweet emotionl, cries to movies, and then the other side of him trying to build himself up to this extremely free and independent guy). Almost as if the world is black and white. He is probably an introvert, I think... He is fun and outgoing, likes to do things, learn, intellectual, etc. He is 22, im 24. We met and he fell in love for the first time. From the beginning he was very independent and wasnt prepared to fall in love and I felt this, and me being a very romantic, loving girl I ended up feeling worse and worse bc he wasn't giving me the emotions I need, the attention i need. I tnk he had a hard time showing love. However, this got better and better, and I knwo he has it in him. He told me when we met that he saw himself being who he wants to be at age 30. never thought about marriage either. however that changed after i explained my idea of love,and he still says he loves how i see love. and admitted to wanting to marry me some day, and we made up baby names, etc. He is bad at communicating his emotions. And to be honest, he doesn't know what he is feeling when he feels things. He is also is a person who doesnt take in everything at once. So if we are in a huge loud city, he said it feels liek his mind blocks things out so he doesnt take everything in at once. Also, he isnt the type who feels a need to express himself. Like, most people get this feeling inside of them that they have to let it out when somehting really great happens, but he doesnt. Also, he never has had the feeling of "i cant eat, im too excited, or too sad". When we broke up and i got skinny and told him why, he couldnt understand that feeling. We jumped into a serious relationship the first week, and were together 24/7 for 1 year. Im american, he is swedish, but ive lived in sweden for 4 years and when we met i told him i would be planning to move back to florida. He said great, i have always planned on moving where it's hotter, i cant stand the swedish winters. So, we travlled to florida where im from, he loved it and says its the number 1 place he would live. Then, instead of staing in sweden for the winter, we travelled to asia for 3 months. (when we met, he had a plan to go there alone .. but after we met he couldnt not be with me...). Also, before we met, he had plans to move in with his friend so they could work togethr to come up with a way to make money. But then he decided to be with me instead, which was in a different city since i was studying. Through the whole relationship, something was always wrong. He wasn't able to work on his ideas of making money, it's like he didn't know how to handle a girlfriend while having his friends still and working on business idea. He says i'm the perfect girl, he loves the way i thnk, see life, my looks are perfect, and he is still in love with me and i'm his best friend. also that he has opened up to me WAY mre than anyone. but he broke up with me. When we broke up , he couldnt handle it. It was a long process and in the beginning he said "I need to figure out if I can give you 100% like you deserve, or if I need to be alone"... he needed to be alone. I gave him options, told him we were together 24/7 and we can have a normal relationship. He said "no, that wont work. I need to be alone, not single, alone. do what i need for me to feel good." Plus when i asked him if he sees us together in the future he said "omg yes, but i dont want to tell you this because then it just wont work, you cant wait for me, then it..it just wont work". when i asked how he feels if i date someone he replied that he cant and doesnt think aobut that. he has said he missed my smile, laugh, smell, our conversations, etc ... but that it doesnt matter, he needs to be alone..for years he says. I FEEL that he is still in love with me, he does NOT want anyone else, but needs to be alone.... that is all i got out of him. nothing about "we moved too fast, im not ready to move to florida", just "i need to be alone". So i was a MESS. an insane mess. he is in love, and i feel it, and this is the guy i truly see as my BEST friend, the perfect father, im SOO attracted, etc. But would he ever change, or would he always have to leave to "fix things" in his life? This was about 1.5 month ago, however we actually stopped seeing eachother about 3 weeks ago, he moved into an apartment (for 1 month) in a big city with the guy he wanted to work with, and have only talked 2 times since then. He knew he hurt me and respected me when I said i cant talk, etc. About 9 days after we stopped seeing eachother, i told him i could talk and he said "great!" and called me that night. He called and was telling me how he is lost, doesnt know what he wants in life. He just doesnt want to work, he wants to be able to do what he wants, build himself as a person. I ended the convo and he sounded a little surprised (since its ALWAYS him leaving first, ending convos, etc). also, im moving back to florida in 20 days and when i told him he sounded shocked and said "I can come to you on my way back home before you move" (we are in diff cities now). i said no its not a good idea. and he said nervously "well we can talk about it later, dont decide now". then he sent a text after saying "your words are wisdom to me, you know me. its hard to talk but i think its good for both of us. talk to you after italy. have fun!" . (i went to italy and got back 2 days ago). 2 days ago, coming back from Italy, i wrote him a long mail about how i feel better about myself, needed to be alone and saw some things, how i was very pushy and jealous with him, plus just different issues i had with my family etc when we were tgoether. then i told him that i respect that he needs to be alone and that im here for him. but that id be busy studying when i got back to sweden, before moving to florida. The second he read this mail, he called me. said he was very happy we could talk and very happy with what i wrote in the mail. we talked about what is going on in our lives etc. he is working on a blog with his friend and he is working on writing a few books, etc then...this is the wierd thing. I had dinner with his parents about 1 week ago, to tell them goodbye, and they didnt know what happened with us. They knew we broke up, but NOTHING more. and his mom said "well, i hope he isn't all talk" (since he isnt working etc). and when i was on the phone with him, he asked again if he can stop and say goodbye. i said "no, its not a good idea, i dont think i can". and he replied "but how come my parents got to say bye to you, and not me?!" and he sounded like he was pleading. DOES HE NOT UDNERSTAND THAT MY HEART IS BROKEN AND THAT IF I WOULD SEE HIM I WOULD ONLY WANT TO BE WITH HIM?! WOULDNT HE HAVE A HARD TIME LEAVING ME?? Is he an idiot, to not even udnerstand that?! What is this?! I realize he is "different" but will he really get to that point in life where he gets his own career and money, and then finally be able to relax and show love? im INSANELY in love, he is my BEST friend, and i love the way he motivates me, he is so positive, and all that... but what do I do? it feels like he is so independent, in NO need of others to push him or give ideas etc, so he doesnt unerstand that other people lke that. Should I see him to say goodbye and let him FEEL my presence, feel me not being his girlfriend (i will be strictly a friend, however not too nice of course). Just, normal. Not sad, not too happy, etc. And then tell him that since he wants to be alone, and doesnt need me, i cant talk anymore until i am over him and have moved on ? And let him truly feel this ? I seriously dont think he realizes what breaking up means... he thinks he can still see me sometimes???? WTF? Plus, isnt it a very bad thing for him to have to be on his own to do this, and not be able to work me in his life? I TRULY believe i am perfect for him, its nothing to do with me, it's all to do with him. thats what keeps me hanging on sure, i might meet a guy in a few months that is great, and maybe i fall il ove, but i dont see myself ever letting him go:( Edited August 5, 2011 by babyygirllhi
PegNosePete Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 He has only been attracted (like wanting someone sexually) to me Seriously, he told you that? And you believed him? I have a bridge to sell you. will he really get to that point in life where he gets his own career and money, and then finally be able to relax and show love? Maybe, maybe not. Are you going to waste your life waiting for him? How long are you going to wait? 1 year? 2 years? 10 years? You really want to waste years of your life waiting for someone who may or may not change, and even if they do, may or may not want you? Should I see him to say goodbye and let him FEEL my presence, feel me not being his girlfriend The best way for him to feel you not being his girlfriend is for you to go NC. Don't say goodbye, or anything ever again. Don't be his friend. Tell him you love him and if you can't be together then you will not settle for second prize.
without Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 I really look forward to see what others think about this.its when you're stuck between letting your love and hope go or still have hope. It's logical to convince yourself to let go and stay NC its first of all about you,by NC you will feel better.and as hard as it is try to move on.if he cares and loves you he will get better and finds himself and comes back..if not you already have moved on... Im in the same situation.be strong.Try to think about the bad times it'll make it easier.
antinko Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 Seriously, he told you that? And you believed him? I have a bridge to sell you. Maybe, maybe not. Are you going to waste your life waiting for him? How long are you going to wait? 1 year? 2 years? 10 years? You really want to waste years of your life waiting for someone who may or may not change, and even if they do, may or may not want you? The best way for him to feel you not being his girlfriend is for you to go NC. Don't say goodbye, or anything ever again. Don't be his friend. Tell him you love him and if you can't be together then you will not settle for second prize. I agree with this.
Jdw_Icequeen Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 I'm sorry for your loss.. You never said wether this was your first love or not.. Just that you were his. You will love again don't worry about that. You sound like a very ambitous girl.. No one can tell you what will happen in the future. At this point it sounds like the best thing to do is avoid him completley.. He knows how to reach you if he changes his mind. You can't wait for him. That will only prolong your healing and isn't healthy. I am sorry your dealing with this, and I hope that what I have said has somehow helped..
Author babyygirllhi Posted August 6, 2011 Author Posted August 6, 2011 (edited) UPDATE He wasn't my first love, however after falling in love with him I have a hard time calling the other times "love". I ended up calling him yesterday, the day after we talked on the phone and it was left hanging about him coming to see me. I realized my situation is a bit different and the whole NC isn't exactly necessary right now with the fact that in 19 days I will be moving to Florida, a whole new country. He started out by acting a bit "macho" and insensitive, kinda... and I had woken him up (at 3:30pm..). When I asked him if i should call back when he's awake he replied "no, im surprisingly waking up fast". I was just calm and clearly asking why he wanted to see me and what he expected out of it, as if he wanted to talk or what he was thinking. Then I said well what did you expect to happen? He said, "I would get off the train, pick you up, hold you tight, and cry." I said ok ... do you realize at that point I would have thought you wanted me back most likely. He replied "well i've made my decision, i want to be alone .. " .I said this is a bit selfish, because he isn't thinking about my feelings, and maybe we shouldn't see eahcohter. He said yea you're right,maybe not. Then I said "well, you are leading me on a bit by the way you act, you call and are excted to talk to me etc" and he replied "well you wrote to me"! It just felt strange, he was being a bit defensive and macho. Then he told me "we will never be together again". I then asked him if he has been with another girl.. he said no 3 times before admitting to kissing someone else. I was calm and asked how it was and he said it was wierd. Im a bit surprised, because I dont think he is the type to just go out and kiss girls, but maybe its his way of getting over me, i dont know. Then he asked if I had been with anyone else and i told him it doesn't matter. He asked 2 more times, before I told him that i hadn't, i'm not like that. We ended up talking a bit about our relationship, getting a LITTLE bit upset with eachother (not much) and I was stating how the relationship was just bad. That him not wanting a relationship reflected so much onto us and the fact that he wasnt happy in it brought me down and i just struggled so much to get him into it, and i became insecure and jealous etc.. He then started crying, and told me his is sorry and has to hang up. He called back about 5-10 minutes later, still sniffing. I appologized and said that I was sorry for hurting him or making him cry. He asked if its true that the year was a waste, etc .. and i said no, but im just being honest that the way i acted (jealous, insecure, pushy) is due to him not being fully into the relationhsip. However that we had amazing times. He ended up telling me how breaking up with me was the absolute hardest thing he has ever had to do and that he has been having a very hard time. He ended up telling me about how he finally got an apartment in his city in Sweden right next to the guy he is working with and he stated "so i guess i'll have to spend another winter here before being able to move where it's hotter" (in a sad tone). I ended up getting a little bit of the "do you miss me " mode ... I was sad and I said "are you not attracted to me , is that why we will never be together?" and he started crying again. He said "omg dont evvver think that, i am soo extremely attracted to you, you know that" . Then we were both crying for a bit. He opened up more and spoke more than usual, he goes "i can't lie. maybe we will end up together. if it's meant to be then it will be". then we cried a little again. I told him he has opened up more than he has before, and that it's great. he said "good". and that he is working on it. i told him i'm proud of him and he told me the same. I then told him that i truly want to see him before i move, however i have to decide if that is best for me or not. he said he understands and that i should call when i decide. It feels like he , one , wasn't ready for a relationsip in the first place, AT ALL. and second, like he is struggling with himself, that he wants to build himself into the person he wants to be before he can be with someone. (which he even told me this when we first met, that he saw himself at age 30 being who he wants to be and then able to be with someone ... ). So it's like he is very hard on himself, which is strange to me. he has to make himself into who he wants to be before being happy with himself. but can you really set a point to which this would happen ? plus, since he wasn't into the relationship while we were in one, i was always nagging on him, which pushed him away making him realize that he isnt a "good boyfriend" in my eyes, etc. but he wasn't ready ... Overall I feel that he is very in love with me and everything is there, except that he isnt happy with himself or where he is in life. I wonder how long it will take him? And how long to realize that by him being alone, will lose me for good? Or will it not matter because as long as he isn't happy with himself, he wont be able to be with me. Also, Im going to end up seeing him. I want him to see and feel me again, it will be one month since we have seen eachother. And I want him to see what he is saying bye to. Because even tho i know we cant be together now, i want to be in the future. hopefully in a year ? or is this ridiculus thinking? is he way too immature and will take longer for him ? Or does he just need to be alone for a while, then get back on is 2 feet, and realize he cant live wthout me? or is the fact that he had to break up with me in the first place just enough to prove that we wont ever be together ? Edited August 6, 2011 by babyygirllhi
Mack05 Posted August 6, 2011 Posted August 6, 2011 (edited) BabyGirlhi, Your ex seems very much like an eccentric character. In my experience, relationships with eccentric characters can be very frustrating. No physical, financial or emotional assistance ever seems to make any lasting difference. It's like pouring the best of yourself into a galactic-sized Psychological Black Hole. I don't believe this man can give you the kind of loving relationship that you are looking for. It pointless trying to figure out a guy like this, because eccentric people do not have the same thought process of a 'normal' person. I think the longer you stay attached to this man, the more heartbreak you are going to suffer. To me this very simple. Go No contact and stay no contact (no matter what). It's harder for you to see things clearly, as you are the one suffering from the broken heart. Obviously this guy has a lot of great qualities, otherwise you would not have fallen in love in the first place. I am almost certain though, a man like this cannot make you happy longterm. Babygirlhi it's time to cut your losses.. Edited August 6, 2011 by Mack05
Downtown Posted August 6, 2011 Posted August 6, 2011 BabyGirl, I agree with Mack. It sounds like your exBF may suffer from moderate to strong traits of AvPD (Avoidant Personality Disorder). Only a professional can determine whether his traits are so severe as to meet 100% of the diagnostic criteria for having the full blown disorder. People having that disorder are preoccupied with their own shortcomings and form relationships with others only if they believe they will not be rejected. Loss and rejection are so painful that these people will choose to be lonely rather than risk trying to connect with others. They therefore tend to be very self critical and self analytical. I suggest that you read about AvPD traits to see if most of them seem applicable. Although you cannot diagnose your exBF as having the full blown disorder, you certainly are capable of spotting the red flags for it, i.e., recognizing that he has strong AvPD traits. Significantly, if he does have those traits at a strong level, you cannot do anything to fix him. Specifically, you cannot fix him by loving him. Only HE can change himself and, in the unlikely event he decides to seek therapy, it may take several years to make a real difference. Take care, BabyGirl.
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