Owl Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 Sorry, Owl. It was some time ago from an article in a magazine. Can't recollect which one to be exact. So, you do not agree to this notion? No, my personal experience, and my experience on this board on others leads me to another conclusion. There are marriages that reconcile in which the BS still had excellent self-esteem. There are marriages that end in which the BS also still has excellent self-esteem. There are marriages that continue after an affair in which the BS simply "endures", with damaged self-esteem. There are marriages that end in which the BS walks away scarred with damaged self-esteem. Statistically which is more common? I could hazard a guess, but it would be simply a guess (and nothing more than anecdotal evidence) based off of my experience and what I've seen online. That's why I asked about your article reference...if there was some kind of true research/statistic done to support one view over another, it would be an interesting read. It would be interesting to see something more than anecdotal inferences like mine and others.
sadcalifornian Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 No, my personal experience, and my experience on this board on others leads me to another conclusion. There are marriages that reconcile in which the BS still had excellent self-esteem. There are marriages that end in which the BS also still has excellent self-esteem. There are marriages that continue after an affair in which the BS simply "endures", with damaged self-esteem. There are marriages that end in which the BS walks away scarred with damaged self-esteem. Statistically which is more common? I could hazard a guess, but it would be simply a guess (and nothing more than anecdotal evidence) based off of my experience and what I've seen online. That's why I asked about your article reference...if there was some kind of true research/statistic done to support one view over another, it would be an interesting read. It would be interesting to see something more than anecdotal inferences like mine and others. I can't agree or disagree since we are dealing with statistical data, which I nor you have at this point. But, if I remember correctly, the article I read did refer to some research done to that effect. I remember thinking back then that it makes sense. I know you are pro-R and you spend great effort helping others out in their attempt to R. But, I don't think people who come to this board are what we can consider "random sample" to represent the overall picture. People who come onboard stating their A are the ones at least with some conscience still left and doubt as to what they are doing is OK. And, there are BS who want to either vent their anger or seek advice. Those who decide to D immediately would be less likely to spend time on this board. Also, one's experience should not be generalized, as each case is just as unique as they are similar. I think some of the ones who decide to D in a hurry could have salvaged the M with proper course of R, no doubt, but I have a suspicion this may be such a draining experience with high likelihood of failure in the end that the ones who D immediately are overall better off mentally, from statistical point of view. Then, again, I do not have the statistical data to back this up, and this obviously is just conjecture on my part.
wheelwright Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 Bugz, she didn't want the other man. She wanted the way the OM made her feel. He was supplying an unmet need of her's that she, most likely, never expressed clearly that she needed from you: attention, validation, compliments, etc. Affairs are a fantasy: I will be whoever you need me to be, you be whoever I need you to be. When the bubble is burst, usually by discovery, it is often NOT a person you would entertain a REAL relationship with. Less than five out of 100 APs wind up together after DDAY. These are called exit affairs, and are extremely rare. Start reading on the web. There is a wealth of information. I think five years later, there is a lot you could have learned by now. I can't pull you up on consistency Spark. But it is also true that some APs are in love and choose to stay in a M. Which is a R the WS would admit is far below the richness they realised would be achievable in the alternative. 5 years of deadening the emotions for the sake of a culturally prescribed outcome is the norm, and on the whole works out fine. There's nothing wrong with it. But yours is only one angle. There is not a right answer. There are difficult choices. And I would not approve of someone more for leaving a M in such circumstances than for staying. I don't believe in fog. I think we should respect people's feelings. The idea of fog might just as easily be construed as a BS gaslighting the WS into believing they were mad to have their 'love' feelings for APs. Via socio-economic and guilt driven coercion.
Osiris1234 Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 Chances are, the other guy dumped her. When a guy has sex with a married woman, there's the thrill of boinking another man's woman while he works his butt off day and night to support her. But when she divorces, her affair partner loses interest because there is no longer is the thrill of having sex with a married woman. She's just a regular single woman. He also fears the possibility that the woman will try to turn their affair into a meaningful relationship, and the guy doesn't like that for a multitude of reasons, and with good reason.
Recommended Posts