Painful heart Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 (edited) I need some opinions from the wonderful people here. I posted twice before on this board, perhaps some of you may remember me. My mother passed away of cancer on July 28th. My girlfriend of a year left me for another man that same week. If you want to know the details, read my post entitled, "The pain of losing" My mother's memorial service is this Saturday August 6th. My now ex girlfriend wants to attend, to which I have told her I don't want her there. I have tried to explain to her, that it's not personal. I'm not saying that out of spite, which is the honest to god truth. It's not that I don't "want" her there, it's that I can't have here there. It would hurt too much. When she left me, I was devastated beyond words, I was losing my mother and watching it happen before my very eyes, but was ever so thankful that I had my gf in my life. And then bam, she leaves me for another man, 4 days before my mother dies. I couldn't believe she'd do this to me. She seems to be surprised that I don't want her there, or that I can't have here there. She tells me, "you can't put it aside for one day?" "I thought you thought about other people's feelings first" Excuse me? I explained to her, that had we broken up because of differences and just went out separate ways, then yes you'd be there. BUT YOU LEFT ME FOR ANOTHER MAN. I can't mourn the death of my mother, only to look across the room to be reminded of the death of my relationship. When I see her, I'm going to think of this other man all over here. I'm going to be reminded that im not the last person she's been with, and it's only been a few weeks. I just don't feel I can put myself through that extra pain. There is a part of me that feels bad, and thinks, "maybe I should let her come" but then as SOON as I think that, the image of her sitting there pops into my head, and what will be going through my brain when I see her. "She's been with someone else" It's pain I have felt over the last week. And I just can't do it. It's too soon, it's too fresh. She didn't just break up with me, she didn't just dump me, she did it for someone else, does she not see how hurtful that is? How can I then pretend nothing happened, even for that moment, when it was only 2 weeks ago. Have I done the right thing? Edited August 5, 2011 by Painful heart correction.
westrock Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 David, I am very sorry for your loss. I read your other posts and you are very brave and strong at this difficult time. I also read the comments others have written about your ex g/f, some of them are very mean spirited about someone you loved (and probably still do). But, as you know, life is very short. Our time on this world is very brief. For me, there is no place for negative feelings against others. You probably never know the real reason why your g/f did what she did. Was she wrong in what she did? Absolutely. Is she a bad person? Probably not. Maybe she saw what was happening to your mom and got really scared and didn't handle things in the best way. It's not that I don't "want" her there, it's that I can't have here there. It would hurt too much. The way to handle grief in this type of situation is not to avoid it, but to experience it. The memorial service is not for the person who has passed away but for those in attendance to be reminded of how precious life is on this world. This is a time for forgiveness and healing for yourself and your ex g/f too. She tells me, "you can't put it aside for one day?" "I thought you thought about other people's feelings first" Would your mom agree with those words? Listen to your ex g/f. If it were me, I would let your ex g/f attend. But, you need to do what makes you most comfortable.
KathyM Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 I need some opinions from the wonderful people here. I posted twice before on this board, perhaps some of you may remember me. My mother passed away of cancer on July 28th. My girlfriend of a year left me for another man that same week. If you want to know the details, read my post entitled, "The pain of losing" My mother's memorial service is this Saturday August 6th. My now ex girlfriend wants to attend, to which I have told her I don't want her there. I have tried to explain to her, that it's not personal. I'm not saying that out of spite, which is the honest to god truth. It's not that I don't "want" her there, it's that I can't have here there. It would hurt too much. When she left me, I was devastated beyond words, I was losing my mother and watching it happen before my very eyes, but was ever so thankful that I had my gf in my life. And then bam, she leaves me for another man, 4 days before my mother dies. I couldn't believe she'd do this to me. She seems to be surprised that I don't want her there, or that I can't have here there. She tells me, "you can't put it aside for one day?" "I thought you thought about other people's feelings first" Excuse me? I explained to her, that had we broken up because of differences and just went out separate ways, then yes you'd be there. BUT YOU LEFT ME FOR ANOTHER MAN. I can't mourn the death of my mother, only to look across the room to be reminded of the death of my relationship. When I see her, I'm going to think of this other man all over here. I'm going to be reminded that im not the last person she's been with, and it's only been a few weeks. I just don't feel I can put myself through that extra pain. There is a part of me that feels bad, and thinks, "maybe I should let her come" but then as SOON as I think that, the image of her sitting there pops into my head, and what will be going through my brain when I see her. "She's been with someone else" It's pain I have felt over the last week. And I just can't do it. It's too soon, it's too fresh. She didn't just break up with me, she didn't just dump me, she did it for someone else, does she not see how hurtful that is? How can I then pretend nothing happened, even for that moment, when it was only 2 weeks ago. Have I done the right thing? Yes, you have every right to ask her not to come, since it will be so painful for you during such a difficult time. She should respect that. She may still show up, though, so don't be surprised if she does. Doesn't mean you have to talk to her, though. When my father died a couple of years ago, my older sister's X husband showed up at the funeral. None of us wanted him there. He made my sister's life hell, and was horrible to all of her family for many years after the divorce, and he still is. We didn't tell him not to come. We didn't think he would come, but he did. We just ignored him. It was hard enough to cope with the death of our father without having to deal with that man at the same time.
sleepykitten Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 Hello PH Have been thinking of you and wondering how you are? I would say defiitely no she cant come. The day is going to be hard enough for you as it is and she should respect that, also you will be so vunerable that day and need to be around those who you trust and can count on.
sun_moon Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 Dont let her come. The day is about the loss of your beloved mother and mourning her. If you cant handle anything else, you shouldnt have to, you were her son for God's sake. The ex can go pout somewhere else for all you care. Honestly, its pretty obvious what is happening here. Your ex is feeling guilty for her actions. I'm sure she cares for your mother and wants to pay her respects. However, deep down, she's trying to please her ego and comfort her guilt for leaving you at such a horrible time. Her thoughts maybe perhaps if I go to his mother's funeral he can see that I still care and respect him and want to be there for him, perhaps he will respect me and see me in a better light. Well guess what, she dug herself into a situation a long time ago and she is going to have to live with the consequences. This isn't a time for you to tend to her feelings and needs, this is a time to be selfish and take care of your needs. She is no longer your girl friend and who cares what she thinks. Tell your ex she can go bitch to someone else and to leave you alone so you can grieve your two losses.
babyygirllhi Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 This isn't about your ex anymore. This is about YOU. You have to take care of yourself, not her. What upsets me is the way she is putting herself before you ... as she did when she left you for another guy. You have no reason to feel bad for asking her not to come and respecting your decision. She is being extremely selfish. It's your mother, not hers, and it's her fault she isnt able to attend. Do not let her get her way, she is SO selfish. Im sorry for your loss
single_again Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 I would say take care of YOU! She is only thinking of herself once again. You are not being selfish if you want to focus on your mothers funeral without her negative vibe surrounding you. I'm sorry for your loss....Take care of yourself during this very difficult time.
fetish1980 Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 hey man, sorry for the pain you're going through. I may not be the best advice giver on this one because i was barely able to handle the loss of my ex gf a few months back, and i didn't even suspect another man involved. No you're not wrong for not wanting your ex there. She's selfish and is not even considering your feelings. If she's there, you'd be reminded of not only one loss but two. At least if she were to show, is there anyway that she can try to not see you? All i can say is that you're showing a lot of courage and strength by going through this. It's going to be painful no matter what. I take my hat off to you man! fetish
Chi townD Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 I'd like to mirror everyone here and say that I'm sorry for your loss. Your Ex has no moral compass. I think that everything you wrote here should be composed in an e-mail to her. Maybe she'll buy a clue. If she responds back, don't answer it; you've said your piece. Again, sorry for everything you're going through.
Graceful Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 Painful, Of course I remember you. So much sadness for you. And so much pain inflicted on you by your exGF. Sorry to be snarky and blunt, but what your ex is asking of you right now calls for the spicy, if not downright, HOT chile pepper response. NO. She is not invited. NO. She does not belong at your mother's service. NO. She has no place there. YES. She needs to respect your wishes. YES. She has nerve beyond all possible belief. YES. She is selfish, manipulative, and self-serving. YES. She wants to make herself look good by being there, as though she did nothing wrong. She didn't just break up with me, she didn't just dump me, she did it for someone else, does she not see how hurtful that is? How can I then pretend nothing happened, even for that moment, when it was only 2 weeks ago. Have I done the right thing? YES. You have done the right thing, and you have nothing to feel badly about. If I were you, I would ask a close friend to keep an eye out in case she shows up and disrespects your wishes. If she shows up uninvited, at least you will have a friend who will show her the door and ensure your peace of mind. You need to be able to focus on knowing your mother will rest in peace. Many blessings to you and your family at this difficult time. I wish you peace. Graceful
Miri Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 I've been on the other side of this, though I didn't break up with my bf when his mother died - he broke up with me (abruptly and for reasons that made no sense to anyone, except maybe that it was just part of his grieving process that he wanted to be alone). He asked me not to come to the memorial service. I was deeply hurt by this as all his close friends were invited, even ones who had never met his mother or didn't know anything about her. I wanted to be there for him more than anyone. But in the end, I had to respect his wishes and stay out of it because my first thoughts were with him and not wanting to make this time more difficult for him than it already was. That is what a respectful person does. Your feelings in this situation should outweigh those of your ex-gf's, no matter what her relationship was to your mother. She is probably just trying to assuage her guilt, as some have said. But it's not appropriate for her to be there if it's against your wishes. I always thought that my bf would regret leaving me out of such an important day in his life but only time will tell. The situation with your ex-gf is different in that she wronged you and hurt you and thus has even less of a right to be present. Emotions are too raw at this point and her presence will just make you more upset. You have every right to ask her not to come and she ought to respect your wishes.
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