sweetpea. Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 So as of a week ago I am single. And not exactly loving it. This was my first "long" relationship lasting 4 months ( yes it's not very long but I'm 19 and not that experienced with dating), and I'm absolutely crushed that I was dumped. Dumped by a guy who chased me for 3 months until I finally commit to a relationship , and I don't understand why. Why would he give up so easily? It seemes like earlier in the week everything was normal and then out of nowhere he says he's been having second thoughts. When he finally ended it he gave me the whole it's not you it's me, you never did anythign wrong speech. He said he still liked me, but not enough to continue in a relationship. The whole time he couldnt look me in the eye for more than a second... I've never seen him like that at all. I was crying and for some reason he teared up and cried a little. Should I take that as a sign he still somewhat cares? We havent spoken for a week and the other night I caved and posted a facebook status saying " I can't help but laugh when I think about the way you used to make fun of me when I got scared of thunderstorms" and the next morning he posted one saying " There's so much about our past I want to tell you, but I'm hesitant of what you may think" . I like any heartbroken girl took that as if it were aimed at me. Am I totally wrong to think this could be saved? Does getting back with an ex ever work out? any advice would be appreciated thanks!
smudge21 Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 Sorry to hear you're going through this, but sadly we all need to face this at some time - it helps us learn and prepare us for the future. With that said, from what you've told us I reckon he does still care and may be unsure of his decision, but he's still decided that the best thing to do is end the relationship. There may be other reasons for this (there often are) but you cannot focus on them, instead you have to focus on the facts; what you know, which is that the relationship as it stands right now is over. Now you have to work on healing, and you do that by going no contact. Just take some time for yourself, hang out with friends or stay busy with work/college. The times when you're alone with nothing to do will be the worse, as your mind wanders and then your heart kicks in. Before long you're looking on Facebook or Googling for information, anything to get that little bit of hope. Please try not to do that - I know from experience it only leads to further pain. Understand that if he is to come back in any way, then it will be up to him - no snooping for info will give you that. By going no contact it will also give him time to think, to miss you. Without knowing the full reasons of why he ended it, it's hard to say what he may or may not do. You have to let him come to you. By all means you could tell him how you feel in one final email/letter, but don't go down the route of constant contact or begging. That's not the person you were when he met you and it won't be the person he'd want to come back to. Stay strong and just look after yourself for now. Give it a week of no contact and post back with how you're feeling. Then try two weeks and so on. Eventually it will get better and you never know what's round the next corner in your life.
Author sweetpea. Posted September 1, 2011 Author Posted September 1, 2011 Thank you smudge for everything! I appreciate the advice. To update my situation I did meet up with him last week to talk things over. It was intended to just catchup with our summer's and give stuff back. However he ended up confessing he still has feelings for me. It took awhile but he admitted it was because of school that he got scared. He figured he wouldn't have enough time to give to me and I would dump him, thus dumping me before I had the chance. I couldn't believe he was willing to give up without even trying first. He told me he wishes to try things out again and we are currently seeing each other but not " in a relationship" because he needs a couple more weeks to make sure he can handle this. He knows he doesn't handle stress easily so I have been doing my best to let him know that I don,t expect much, that I understand he has a hectic schedule, and know he can't see me all the time like he used to. Is there anything else you might recommend? in terms of this whole situation, or in ways I can let him know that I'll be here for him? Thanks again
smudge21 Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 Something I always get told when I talk about my ex is "nevermind what she wants, what do you want?". It's true, we focus on our exs problems and concerns and go out of our way for them, but what does that do to us? What do they do for us? What do we also want? It's nice you're being there for him through his tough times, but isn't that hurting you, being that close but also not being close enough. What happens come the time he feels better and still decides he wants to end the relationship? It's okay for him to upload his problems but we all have problems from time to time. You need to make him aware of your feelings to as this is about two people not just one. I do agree, it does sound like he has feelings for you, but how long will that last? You see, the trouble with staying in close contact with someone who has pretty much dumped you, is that it gives them everything they want - they still have you close and on hand, but not seriously so they can look elsewhere. They have the best of both worlds. Plus, in order for an ex to miss us, they have to first miss us. How can they do that when we're not around. Obviously every situation is different but I'd hate to see you get more hurt down the line. As much as he has told you his concerns and problems, you have to tell him yours. Are you happy to just be the friend for now? One thing to remember too is that it's not just us guys that get friend-zoned by you girls, it can happen both ways. Have a think about it with a clear head, not your heart.
betterdeal Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 Sounds like you guys have just made it past the infatuation stage and had your first real row. That's real progress and at such a young age! This is what has happened: you spent 4 months joined at the hip and it was brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrilliant to begin with. But it wears off after a while. Like eating chocolate - you gobble down a whole boxful and start to feel sick. What has probably been going on in his head is this: I don't feel the same about sweetpea and I'm kind of feeling crowded and if I don't feel the same then it must be completely over and AAAARRRGH. Too many feelings. When in fact, the situation is, you're now coming into the stable bit of the relationship. You've bonded and had a lot of fun. In the olden days, you'd probably be pregnant and now's the time you guys feather your nest and get ready for the newborn. So he and you will naturally feel different now. He's in a more doing mode, getting the feathers for the nest sort of mode. You don't have to throw the baby out with the bathwater (apologies for mixing metaphors) - just strike a different balance. He needs to do school, you need to do whatever it is that occupied your time before you got together. And you can make sure there's also some time for fun and loving with each other. The sex will stop being every 4 hours, but it will be fun when you do it. Instead of gobbling down the whole box of chocolates, you have a few, really enjoy them and save your appetite. It's okay to not want to be in each other's pockets all the time. You'll get cabin fever otherwise.
Author sweetpea. Posted September 2, 2011 Author Posted September 2, 2011 @smudge, come to think of it I didn't realize how much it is hurting me. But in my head I'm trying to be here for him because I would hope he would do the same for me. But I think I will take your friendzone advice, he does want to still hang out I will make it clear that he is getting nothing more out of me than that of a friend. I don't want to be used :/ @betterdeal, since I don't have much experience, I thank you for this insight ha I quite enjoy your analogies too. I know he needs to focus on school, as do I. I start university next week and I know we will both be busy. However I just hope he does realize what you're telling me. So hopefully this will just be another part of our relationship we will work through When we hung out last, we did have some hot make out sessions ( I restrained from anything more), but when we would just relax and cuddle up he would kiss me on the forehead, cheek, eyelids, etc.. all "cutesy" sort of things I don't think he would do if he only had lustful feelings for me. UGH. I suppose it's just hard to wrap your head around sometimes, when your heart is taking over.
betterdeal Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 Bless. You're so young! Maybe get yourselves copies of Relationships for Dummies and see if they help you get over these little bumps in the road. Being together doesn't mean being together like all the time quite literally. Might be worth talking to him about these ideas. I know you can take a horse to water but you can't make it think - the trick is to make it thirsty...
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