Marriage problems

[indeed1978]

My wife and I have been married for nearly 5 years (together 8 total, we are both in our 30s). We met almost immediately after my ex-girlfriend and I broke up and dated for 3 years before I proposed to her and married her.

 

She's the kind of girl that always needs to have her way. There have always been great opportunities for my career in different parts of the world that I gave up in order to be with her (she never wanted to go with me) and to support her career but recently in the past few years she decided that she did not want to work anymore and wanted to concentrate on having kids. So she quit her job and found something much less demanding. I told her that I had a lot of resentment towards her for putting me through that and never giving me the opportunity to further my career so that I would be where I wanted to be at this age.

 

We don't share the same interests and we're like that couple at the restaurant that's always staring at our cell phones. I cook for a living so I'm always talking about food and I'm really into computers and travelling, going out and being outside but she's the total opposite and enjoys sitting at home and watching American Idol or So Do you think you can dance?. It's gotten to the point where it just feels like we're roommates and not lovers. We kiss but it's just a peck on the lips, we hug but it's brief, we don't cuddle, spoon or any of those things. She's also very private so it took me almost 3 months to get her to let me kiss her in public when we first met..

 

We have sex about once or twice every 2-3 months (no joke). It wasn't like this when we first got together, we'd do it almost everyday, but about 2 years into our relationship right about after I proposed it started getting like this. She would always have an excuse to not do it. I don't know, I mean sex is important in a relationship, it is.. I'm not asking for it everyday but when your own wife has no desire to sleep with you.. I mean what does that mean?

 

Don't get me wrong, I love her as a person and a friend, but I don't think I am in love with her anymore. Lately I've been feeling like I made a mistake that I'd be much better off alone. I haven't found anyone else, and am not looking. I'm just looking to do the right thing for me. Because, it just doesn't seem like she's been looking out for what I need at all.

 

I would greatly appreciate any advice you guys could give.. this has seriously been bothering me for the past 2 years or so.

 

Thanks

Edited August 5, 2011 by indeed1978

[pie2]

The pain of feeling alone in a relationship truly can feel worse then just being alone at times. I hope you can find some of the answers you need.

 

The challenge to find a solution to your current dilemma is even greater as your wife isn't here, looking for answers as well. None of us can make her change her behavior. However, I think that if you are able to change some of your perspectives on the marriage, and behaviors within the relationship, you might see a gradual shift in the dynamics between you two.

 

IMO, the grass ISN'T greener on the single-life side for most people. Being single can get old too. I'd bet that after awhile, even if you left your wife, you'd search out another relationship, and might see some of the same patterns arise with your next partner. So, there is a lot to be said to trying to resolve what's not working NOW, with the woman that you committed yourself to.

 

In regards to sexual intimacy, I would suggest taking a piggy bank approach. By that, I mean investing little by little, with the hopes of a bigger reward in the end. Ask your wife what makes her feel loved. Maybe she really feels an emotional connection to you when you spend time with her watching a movie. Or maybe, throughout the day, she'd love you to tell her how beautiful she is. Build an emotional connection, and you might start to see a physical response down the line. Not all women feel like having sex just cause a guy touches/kisses/cuddles (some do but not all). Many women need to feel close emotionally, before they want to get intimate. And if she feels that your advances are not really an expression of your love, but rather just a way to get sex, she might not be getting turned on at all. So, as I mentioned the piggy bank, invest a little bit, and you'll eventually start to reap the benefits to your hard work.

 

In regards to the different activity levels, what were your thoughts on this before you got married? How did you view her more reserved nature compared to your adventurous nature in the beginning of the relationship?

[indeed1978]

Thanks for the advice! In regards to the activity levels, my sister was living with us right after the engagement and she used that as an excuse. we literally had no sex at all for the entire time my sister stayed with us... which was nearly a year. After she moved out we purchased a house and lived alone, it didn't get any better.

 

As I mentioned, there is just so much resentment that sometimes I find myself avoiding the situation all together. I'm pretty passive so I just pick up new hobbies here and there and focus all my attention on those things instead of thinking about the situation at hand.

[KathyM]

My wife and I have been married for nearly 5 years (together 8 total, we are both in our 30s). We met almost immediately after my ex-girlfriend and I broke up and dated for 3 years before I proposed to her and married her.

 

She's the kind of girl that always needs to have her way. There have always been great opportunities for my career in different parts of the world that I gave up in order to be with her (she never wanted to go with me) and to support her career but recently in the past few years she decided that she did not want to work anymore and wanted to concentrate on having kids. So she quit her job and found something much less demanding. I told her that I had a lot of resentment towards her for putting me through that and never giving me the opportunity to further my career so that I would be where I wanted to be at this age.

 

We don't share the same interests and we're like that couple at the restaurant that's always staring at our cell phones. I cook for a living so I'm always talking about food and I'm really into computers and travelling, going out and being outside but she's the total opposite and enjoys sitting at home and watching American Idol or So Do you think you can dance?. It's gotten to the point where it just feels like we're roommates and not lovers. We kiss but it's just a peck on the lips, we hug but it's brief, we don't cuddle, spoon or any of those things. She's also very private so it took me almost 3 months to get her to let me kiss her in public when we first met..

 

We have sex about once or twice every 2-3 months (no joke). It wasn't like this when we first got together, we'd do it almost everyday, but about 2 years into our relationship right about after I proposed it started getting like this. She would always have an excuse to not do it. I don't know, I mean sex is important in a relationship, it is.. I'm not asking for it everyday but when your own wife has no desire to sleep with you.. I mean what does that mean?

 

Don't get me wrong, I love her as a person and a friend, but I don't think I am in love with her anymore. Lately I've been feeling like I made a mistake that I'd be much better off alone. I haven't found anyone else, and am not looking. I'm just looking to do the right thing for me. Because, it just doesn't seem like she's been looking out for what I need at all.

 

I would greatly appreciate any advice you guys could give.. this has seriously been bothering me for the past 2 years or so.

 

Thanks

Time to call the marriage counselor. You are not getting your needs met, and you are not maintaining the connection that you once had. You are growing apart and need to get your marriage back on track.

[mark982]

in the mean time, don't have any kids till you get your issues resolved.

[xxoo]

Thanks for the advice! In regards to the activity levels, my sister was living with us right after the engagement and she used that as an excuse. we literally had no sex at all for the entire time my sister stayed with us... which was nearly a year. After she moved out we purchased a house and lived alone, it didn't get any better.

 

Did you realize at the time how abnormal that is? Do you realize now?

Why were you ok with that?

 

Your relationship was messed up before you married. You don't really have any history of solid relationship to return to, or to show that the two of you know "how to have a good relationship".

 

I'm not convinced it will save your marriage, but you would both benefit from marriage counseling to learn some basic relationship skills--communication, confronting issues, etc. Your passivity is part of what led to the current state of this marriage, and will likely play a similar role in any future relationships you have.

[tobeornottobe]

You have been married for 5 years. A miracle may change the situation, but counselling won't. Why? It is clear from what you said that she is just wired that way, full stop.

 

1. Avoid at all cost that she gets pregnant.

2. She will not change. She is not a sexual person as she is not putting any energy into the sexual part of your relationship.

3. Share your frustrations with her and in a loving and supportive way, let her understand that you are considering divorce.

4. Try your utmost best for a fair time (typical 3-6 months) and if there is no improvement, DIVORCE.

 

It sounds harsh, but believe me, this problem will not go away in years to come.

[lonelynikki]

Okay, I'm sorry in advance if this is offensive in anyway I'm trying to be as honest as possible to give a different perspective. Asking for support with your career choices is one thing but asking someone to move to a new country is a completely different. You're not just asking that person for support you're asking them to give up their entire life, their friends, their comforts, their sense of safety (possibility obv depends on the circumstances) but my point is that supporting your career isn't as simple as just supporting your career.

 

That being said, I can understand why you feel the way you do and I would hope that your wife would to even if she feels justified.

 

I actually ended up moving to Europe with my husband when he got a job and I stayed over there for 8 months. Unfortunately for us I couldn't handle it and I had very limited support from my husband which made it all the more difficult for me.

 

I don't know what your relationship has been like but is it possible that your wife didn't trust in you enough to feel comfortable giving up her life where you were?

 

(no offence intended I just feel that these issues are generally not one sided)

 

It's also difficult when two people do not share of a lot of common interests. What's there to talk about it? How do you have fun together? etc. Sitting on the couch won't lead to everlasting love (in my opinion). My advice to you would be to try to shake things up a bit, why don't you both try something together that's new and exciting? Building new fun and exciting memories together can help form a stronger bond. It takes two though so obviously this all depends on how much your significant other is willing to give of themselves.

 

My only other piece of advice is do NOT give up without counseling. A lot of people don't like counseling but if your significant other was important enough to you at one point to marry then it's not worth giving up without trying >everything<.

 

That is all Peace and love.

[Cynthia555]

I read your post and I'm in a similar situation myself. If she agrees you should try marriage counseling but if she refuses there is little hope to save your marriage. Sex is an important part of a loving relationship with your partner and the lack of can lead to cheating.

 

My husband and I had a great marriage till all of a sudden we stopped having sex altogether. He always had some type of excuse and in time we became nothing more than simply roommates. I feel undesirable and less of a woman. We've been married for over 15 years and I just don't know what to do.I also wrote a post about my problem in my marriage, here's the link:

http://www.peoplesinsight.com/articles/2-relationships/216-completely-sexless-marriage

[FlutterByee]

I read your post and I'm in a similar situation myself. If she agrees you should try marriage counseling but if she refuses there is little hope to save your marriage. Sex is an important part of a loving relationship with your partner and the lack of can lead to cheating.

 

My husband and I had a great marriage till all of a sudden we stopped having sex altogether. He always had some type of excuse and in time we became nothing more than simply roommates. I feel undesirable and less of a woman. We've been married for over 15 years and I just don't know what to do.I also wrote a post about my problem in my marriage, here's the link:

http://www.peoplesinsight.com/articles/2-relationships/216-completely-sexless-marriage

 

Very similar situation here...but unlike some, I just don't see divorce as an answer...we were actually separated from last June to December but we also have a toddler and each have two children from a previous marriage and combined with the fact that we are great in a dating situation, we felt it was important to stay together. Not to mention that single life is pretty sucky.

 

Our problem seems to be that although we enjoy each other in a dating situation, our marriage becomes painfully dry as far as I'm concerned. I'm all about family, but I'm also a woman who enjoys cooking together, walks, vacations, sex, intelligent conversation. I'm not a drone who just works and then comes home to chores and parenting and goes to bed.

 

I've talked a lot about how important I think it is for us to have date nights or do things as a couple, but somehow those things always get cancelled. We do lots of hectic family things which I'm not a fan of but I do them because he wants to. But when it comes to couple stuff or doing things or even having sex that just never happens. He swears it's not me but we had lots of sex and fun before we got married. No matter what he says I feel rejected because in my heart I feel actions speak louder than words.

 

Tonight I got home at 5:30 and he was still working (he works from home). Then I suggested he come join us in the living room until the toddler went to bed. He did that but just turned on his TV series and I just sat on the sofa. As soon as I put the toddler to bed at 7:30 he said he was going to sleep. I'm so tired of nights like this.

 

I don't want to have an affair for sex (although it crosses my mind sometimes) but I do wonder what others in my situation do? I guess I need a hobby...but with the little one I'd feel bad to just leave the house with the toddler and my older sons here just to have some activity somewhere else.

 

I read...but not sure how much I can do of that?

 

I know I am rambling and I'm sorry. It's taken me months just to get the nerve up to reach out to others but I'm at my wit's end. Can anyone else in a similar situation tell me what you do to keep busy...or happy and fulfilled???