AshleyMB Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 (edited) So I’ve been dating this really great guy for about 2 months now, and up until now I’ve gotten the vibe that it’s been going really well. He’s always been super sweet and attentive, and pretty much mail-order since I’ve known him. Things seemed to be going in the direction of something quite serious, and he’s seemed quite smitten with me. (My over-analyzing details are between, feel free to skim over these points , my point and question is at the end) but the signs that make me think this are basically: -he’s always been really considerate and attentive with me. -he’s always been very polite and chivarious, he would always want to take me out to dates and treat me and pay for everything. Like we would go for a walk along the waterfront, and he would insist on giving me his sweater when he saw that I was cold. He does things like pull out the chair for me when we went out to dinner with my parents, asks me to just go for random walks and always wants to hold my hand all the time, says he ‘wants to show me off.’ I’ve always gotten the impression in his actions and words that (“You’re mine” he says) he cares for me and would pretty much do anything for me. Always wanting to try and help me with anything -he’s been really affectionate with me, without necessarily expecting or trying for sex. We have spent quite a few nights after watching a movie or whatever just cuddling. He's always concerned about me, will send me cute little messages during the day, hoping if I’m not tired and had a good day at work or whatever, and has basically always been like ’when’s the next possible time that I can see you ” He’s always very concerned about me and if I’m comfortable or cold or what not. Once or twice he’s sort of suggested going further physically, but then I acted really uncomfortable and wasn’t ready just yet,, and after that he was super careful with me and hardly even tried anything physical at all, even with the making out stuff. He seemed to make a point to make it clear to me that he was in this for more than just a good time. He can’t ever keep his hands off me, although not in a sexual way, like caressing my arm, face.. stroking my hair, he’ll just look me deep in the eyes and tell me I’m beautiful and pretty, “I really like you” with a big goofy grin on his face. He wanted to know everything about me. -I usually hear from him almost everyday. And if I don’t, he’ll usually apologize and hold himself accountable to why he hasn’t contacted me to hang out or whatever and want to make it up to me, without me ever even having to ask. We agreed to stay in touch mainly via fb messages (he asked what I prefer to keep in contact early on). Usually the day after we hang out, I would get a message from him, wanting to know the next possible time that he can see me. And he always wanted to make sure that he was always available for me to contact him as well….like ‘ well I can usually get on facebook around this time or this time,’ or telling me that he always has his cell phone on him at work if I ever want to contact him that way. -he was open to meeting my parents. My mother came down to visit me for the week, and we ended up baking a whole bunch of stuff one day. I invited him down for some apple crisp (he only lives a floor above me), and he ended up sitting there with us and just hanging out and chatting for like 5 hours. Mom seemed to like him too, so she insisted that I invite him out to supper with us and my step dad the next day. I didn’t really expect him to, but he seemed all for it. He even wanted to know more baby stories and all that. -I’ve met all his close personal friends, he’s invited me out to do things with them,,, and even talked about me with them, asking their opinion and such (apparently I ‘have a good head on my shoulders and what not lol’), as well as the people he works with. He’s the one that let me know this. He’s told me a lot of intimate details, showing me his family etc... -he’s made comments about stuff and plans in the future, and has included me in them. For example,” Oh btw heads up, I’m going to disappear on you for about 3 days on Oct—whenever, some date in the fall—when this game comes out “(he’s a big computer nerd lol) He’s asked me to do stuff well in advance- like this museum thing next month. He uses the ‘we’ rather than ‘I’ statements a lot too. -he’s indicated to me that he’s not dating any other girls. He’s referred to me as ‘his girl.’ before. I usually see and talk to him so much there wouldn’t be a chance for us to see any other people anyways lol Anyways, sorry this is long, but he’s seemed pretty genuine interested in me. So…. We were spending a lot of time together last week, almost every day really…. And finally things progressed where I felt comfortable enough with him, and we did end up having sex. It went really well, or at least I thought (got some positive feedback afterwards), the next morning he took me out to breakfast, holding my hand on the way over and across the table, sneaking in a kiss here and there, and then we went back to his place and just snuggled for a bit (he didn’t try to do anything physical again). He was still all like…’whispering in my ear “you’re so beautiful” “I really like you” etc. Again still super affectionate, and we spent the day together until like 4pm when I left, and he kissed me goodbye and was like “so see you next time?” It didn’t seem like one of those ‘get what you want and then peace out’ kind of situations… So okay… all good…. But then I didn’t hear from him AT ALL in like 3-4 days, which I was pretty surprised about- esp after that critical period. I’ve never had to be the one to message him, but finally I did (although he did message me back right away), and I was sort of like “hey I miss you, it’s been a few days, everything ok?” He said that he missed me too, everything was fine, just not a whole lot going on. We briefly chatted, I asked him what he’s been up to, he told me he wasn’t up to much since Saturday and told me what he had been doing. After not hearing from him and noticing this change in behavior, I wanted to kind of see what was up, so Weds night I asked him if he was free on Thursday b/c I wanted to see/talk to him before I went out of town for the weekend. He said that he might be free, but his father was coming into town and he wasn’t sure if he was staying at his place or not.. but that he would let me know. One of my really good guy friends from college ended up coming up today and wanted to catch up and such, and I havn’t seen him in over a year, so I messaged my guy and told him that, asking if we could postpone meeting anyways until I got back into town. I didn’t mean anything by it, but at the same time the past week since we slept together he’s not exactly made an effort to contact or see me at all. Now I’m a little worried and don’t really understand this change in behavior. Maybe I jumped the gun a little too quick with this one. Also, I think I took it for granted that it was super implied that we were bf/gf, because things were just going so unbelievably well, but we never actually had an official ‘talk’. It also concerns me that he still has his online dating profile up from the site we started talking again on, which he still logs into (I do still have mine up too, but we’ve never had a talk about taking them down). This is the first guy I’ve really liked in a really long time, and now I’m just scared and don’t know what to do. I don’t want to scare him off by being all needy and like “what are we?” , that never seems to really go well…. But I don’t know what to do:( I just don't understand this sudden distance in him..... Edited August 5, 2011 by AshleyMB
D-Lish Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 It could be that he was just interested in sex, or maybe he feels that now that he's gotten it that he doesn't have to try so hard anymore. Regardless, it's really crappy behaviour to sleep with a woman and then not speak to her for 4 days. I think you have to ask yourself if this is the kind of guy you want to date. You haven't known him that long and what he did was pretty disrespectful.
carhill Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 He sounds like an example of what a lady in the 'Tips for single men' thread was talking about when they start off strong, then fizzle. Maybe he's a 'chaser'. Maybe he was a little creative with you being 'his girl'. In my generation, the 'black book' guys would romance another woman while disappearing from the woman whom they had bedded. Rinse and repeat. No clue if that is relevant but it is one methodology. I will say it is unusual for a healthy man who's progressed a relationship to sexual intimacy to just up and disappear like that. For myself, if anything, it enhanced frequency and depth of contact, which IMO is a normal progression of intimacy. The only caveat I'll throw in is one related to the sexual experience. If it was a difficult experience, even if not obviously evident, and I was having second thoughts about sexual compatibility, that might be cause for some silence while pondering that issue. In any event, none of us can crawl inside his mind. If this 'style' isn't working for you, it isn't. Clearly communicate that. Otherwise, you'll be teaching him how to treat you in a manner which isn't satisfying and healthy for you. Good luck.
D-Lish Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 He sounds like an example of what a lady in the 'Tips for single men' thread was talking about when they start off strong, then fizzle. Maybe he's a 'chaser'. Maybe he was a little creative with you being 'his girl'. In my generation, the 'black book' guys would romance another woman while disappearing from the woman whom they had bedded. Rinse and repeat. No clue if that is relevant but it is one methodology. I will say it is unusual for a healthy man who's progressed a relationship to sexual intimacy to just up and disappear like that. For myself, if anything, it enhanced frequency and depth of contact, which IMO is a normal progression of intimacy. The only caveat I'll throw in is one related to the sexual experience. If it was a difficult experience, even if not obviously evident, and I was having second thoughts about sexual compatibility, that might be cause for some silence while pondering that issue. In any event, none of us can crawl inside his mind. If this 'style' isn't working for you, it isn't. Clearly communicate that. Otherwise, you'll be teaching him how to treat you in a manner which isn't satisfying and healthy for you. Good luck. I agree with you about creating the intimacy and then just disappearing thing... Usually after a build up like that they want to see you again 15 minutes after you leave!!
spiderowl Posted August 6, 2011 Posted August 6, 2011 He sounds just a little bit too sweet and intense and players do behave like that until the chase has ended. Not contacting you for that amount of time after sex is bad manners and of course it is upsetting for you. It could be he is mulling over the situation and wondering where he wants this to go now. He'll know you might want to get more serious. For some reason, some guys seem to think girls get serious after sex and therefore that's when they have to think about these big issues, whereas girls often only have sex because we are feeling strongly about someone in the first place. It could be that he has lost interest now he's achieved the goal. Some guys just do this and it's upsetting because it shows how shallow they are and how they are definitely not long-term material. If you really like him, the best thing might be to cool it with him. Don't contact him and don't agree to the next date he offers (if he does). Make it hard for him to contact you. Put him back in chasing mode again. If it's a 'not sure if he feels strongly enough about you' thing, this may switch him into interested again. But, I have to say, if a guy did this to me, even if it was because of his confusion and uncertainty after having sex, I would be fuming. I would not want to see him. If he wanted to be with me, he'd have to work damned hard to get back into the position he was in before all this happened.
OliveOyl Posted August 6, 2011 Posted August 6, 2011 This is going to sound strange, but this scenario is almost a compelling argument for not waiting 1-2 months (and having such a big build-up) for sex. Most people say to wait a certain prescribed length of time and this will weed the chasers and players out. But in your particular case, it appears he still ended up being one and now that a certain amount of time has passed, you've invested more time and emotion, and have probably gotten attached along the way. I don't know. Everything you wrote about him up until his change in behavior sounded wonderful. I'm sorry this happened. I'd be pissed.
AlexDP Posted August 6, 2011 Posted August 6, 2011 He's caring and always paying for everything. The one time he does not text you first, you let four days go by before texting him. You want to hold power over this guy and be the one who is strongest in the relationship. Well guess what, the roles are now reversed. And rightly so. I hope he blows you off to be honest. Do some introspection.
dispatch3d Posted August 6, 2011 Posted August 6, 2011 Yeah, I'd say you need to make some effort in seeing him more. Dude's given more than enough of his time, reciprocate a little bit back. You're view this sex thing too much from a "I gave him sex" standpoint. You both had sex and got some enjoyment out of it. Now progress the relationship more .
WhyWontYouBe Posted August 6, 2011 Posted August 6, 2011 Yeah, I'd say you need to make some effort in seeing him more. Dude's given more than enough of his time, reciprocate a little bit back. You're view this sex thing too much from a "I gave him sex" standpoint. You both had sex and got some enjoyment out of it. Now progress the relationship more . Love it when a woman complains about the guy not contacting her for several days after he was the ONLY one to contact her. Go pick up the darn phone!
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