lorr Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 I was working on a cruise ship last year and met a wonderful guy. We were inseperable and I ended up back home in the UK for my vacation. Whilst on vacation I found out I was pregnant with his child, but unfortunately I lost the baby which was devastating for the both of us. He lives in South America so as you can imagine it is really hard as we communicate via telephone. We were supposed to get married in Sept, and it was arranged that we were to meet up in the Caribbean as my parents are there. I booked my ticket and was assures by him that he was going to do the same whilst sorting out his Visa.It turns out that he did not have enough money to buy the ticket nor could he afford the ring. I was very upset and its making me question the relationship. He told me that wages are very low from where he's from. I told him that he needed to find a better job or go back to further education to gain a skill. I don't know if I am being unreasonable, but its making me wonder if this is the life I would have to look forward to, not knowing whether he would afford a holiday or even marriage. He genuinely is a nice guy, but I want a guy who's got the drive and ambition to make it. I just feel that he's settling for jobs that aren't paying well. Don't know whether I should call it a day or give him an ultamatinum? Would appreciate some advice x
SillyS Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 With my ex (this shouldn't scare you, we did have a somewhat good relationship at some point according to me:laugh:), we always tried to work together to fix those type of problems. Set a common goal, you both for example want to live together in the UK. Then you should perhaps marry him and have him come life with you in Europe where there is more opportunities. But you should know that we in the certain countries come with a lot of privilege, and that if he is trying then you should accept his efforts. It hurts guys when they are trying everything in their power, and we simply don't appreciate what they are doing. In Brasil for example, inequality is built into the socioeconomic system and prevents the poor from going to good universities and prevents them from gaining the right skills to get the right jobs. It's hard to imagine that in many countries, but this is literally what happens there for example. My point is, he doesn't want to do those jobs. No one would free willingly do these things, but poverty and inequality plague most of south america. So try to understand his situation, and understand it takes a lot for a guy to also admit that and come to terms with that, that he is doing his best and that his best could not make the things you both want happen. I would probably see if you could help him move to Europe or perhaps fly to see him and get married there instead of doing something he can't afford. If his financial stability is important to you, then by all means walk away. But I think if these things bug you and you really do love him, then maybe try helping your love and supporting him as opposed to feeling this way about him.
creighton0123 Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 SillyS is right. Aside from illegal work activities, he may very well be unable to find a higher paying job or pursing further education. It comes down to whether or not you are willing to be poor for him for a short time until the both of you can build a successful (emotional and financial) relationship with one another. As for the ring... well... that is a luxury item meant for those who can afford it. I would say that you two should forgo the traditional engagement ring/wedding band idea. Silver, gold, or platinum rings can be very expensive. There are alternatives including titanium with set stone (relatively inexpensive) or wooden rings (still inexpensive compared to precious metal/gem combinations). A wooden ring would be quite the conversation starter, as well. Other alternatives to the exchange of rings would be handfasting ceremonies, common in pagan communities and among Celtic Christians. With that in mind, traditional ring exchange is completely unnecessary. Talk to him. If you're unwilling to wait, work with him to get him in the UK, get married, and file for the appropriate VISA/citizenship papers for bringing in a spouse.
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