secondstage2004 Posted April 28, 2004 Posted April 28, 2004 In the "no contact" rule which I have read so many times in this forum, it is obvious that the dumper has the upper hand. Only he or she can initiate contact again and at their discretion, while the dumpee is absolutely helpless, waiting, clinging to a tiny ray of hope, or scrambling to move on. If the dumper decides not to make contact ever again, then the friendship, and moreso ther relationship, is effectively ruined. There is another school of thought -- if you truly love someone, you should fight for him or her. Win your love back at all cost. In this approach, the dumpee can play a more proactive role in trying to make the relationship work again. I am just curious what people think about these two school of thoughts.
bluechocolate Posted April 28, 2004 Posted April 28, 2004 I don't think there's an "upper hand" here. You're not talking about a philosophical or political debate. ....while the dumpee is absolutely helpless, waiting, clinging to a tiny ray of hope, or scrambling to move on. If the dumper decides not to make contact ever again, then the friendship, and moreso ther relationship, is effectively ruined Rarely is anybody absolutely helpless in these situations, although for many it may feel that way at first. I would use the word "over" rather than "ruined", but either way, isn't that why people dump each other in the first place? Because the relationship is ruined? There is another school of thought -- if you truly love someone, you should fight for him or her. Win your love back at all cost. In this approach, the dumpee can play a more proactive role in trying to make the relationship work again. But where is the line between fighting for him or her and pestering, then stalking? I say it's over. You say you want me back. I say that's not going to happen. You say you'll keep trying. I say leave me alone. You say you'll keep trying...... I say I'm calling the police Doesn't sound like a happy situation to me for either party. Surely the effort to keep the relationship going should happen while the couple are still together and BOTH have decided that it is worth trying? That is not to say that people can't get back together, that happens all the time. But if someone doesn't want that to happen what right does anyone have to try and force them to change their feelings?
sinkerswim Posted April 28, 2004 Posted April 28, 2004 Ive been away from my fiance for 2.5 months now.. Ive been the only one iniating contact...But its like..I dont want to give up. I still want to send him a letter...to let him know how much i love him. I dont have closure from him at all. it was a "space" thing...and it turned into this. I miss him terribly. I would fight til I die for him.
krbshappy71 Posted April 28, 2004 Posted April 28, 2004 So do people actually get back together after the no-contact thing? I thought that was a passive way to dump someone? "I need space" "we should see other people" etc. Haven't been on either side of the coin. Have always made a clean break, I'm just asking. Is there really such thing as taking a break and everything is just hunky-doory after wards? I would think there would be a lot of tension.
bluechocolate Posted April 28, 2004 Posted April 28, 2004 krbshappy71 - my interpretation of the original post was that someone asks for no contact after they have broken off a relationship, which is different than saying "I need some space" and then never getting in touch again sinkerswim - gosh, I'm really sorry, must be dreadful for you & you deserve to know what the f**k is going on
chinarye Posted April 28, 2004 Posted April 28, 2004 It's really hard but I've learned the hard way that sometimes the best way to fight something is to just let it go for a while. When my very first boyfriend broke up with me, I "fought" for him...giving him letters and being proactive about everything. I think I accomplished nothing more than annoying him. My next boyfriend I broke up with and he did the same "proactive" thing with me and he would send me flowers. I only felt like he was pressuring me and I thought less of him. Now I'm a firm believer of "if you love something, set it free" My next relationship was like my first one and I just let it be. I wrote millions of letters but didn't have the heart to bother him like my ex did with me so I stored them under my bed. Now we are on good, friendly terms and I'm proud of myself. This final relationship I'm in is the most difficult and I'm trying a new approach. I love him and I thought we were gonna get married but he broke it off so I told him that I can't sit around and wait for him to change his mind and I won't but if he ever thinks of me like he wants to be with me again, he shouldn't be afraid to just let me know. I said,"If we're ever on the same page at the same moment in time, I would like to know about it". He agreed. I think we're closing a chapter but we're leaving the communication open. Neither one of us has the "upper hand". He might be the one "in control" now but in the future if he changes his mind or regrets his decision, I am the one with the cards in my hands so either way, we're both dealing with a lot on the table.
amish Posted April 28, 2004 Posted April 28, 2004 Look, if you're the dumpee it's pretty obvious you can't change the dumpers mind by flooding them with calls, letters, poems, etc. My take on the no-contact thing is that (a) it gives you (as the dumpee) time to prepare for the worst and work and your own happiness and (b) if the dumper reflects on how good things were and misses you enough, they will be the one contacting you. Only they can change their own minds, and without pressure from the dumpee it will be a change they initiated. I'm in this situation with my wife right now, it's a little complicated due to the fact that we have a son, but I have never called her once. She has always initiated contact, and at this point her voice is like fingernails on the chalkboard. Every time we talk I feel more and more miserable. She hasn't called me in like 10 days and I feel probably better than I have since she left 3 months ago. Yes it's very difficult that I can't see my son very often (she moved 100 miles away) but I am feeling better about things. Not better that things will work out, but better about my ability to move on and start anew. I think that is what no-contact is for.
Girlie Posted April 28, 2004 Posted April 28, 2004 Actually, the times when Ive intiated no contact, I've felt very powerful and far from helpless. After all, regardless of who dumped who, it was ME who decided that no contact would be the best way for me to move on with my life and realize that the relationship was over and to give up clinging to some sense of false hope. Fighting for someone might even work in some situations, but when it's really over....it's over, and no amount of fighting is going to change that.
shellen Posted May 4, 2004 Posted May 4, 2004 think ive read somewhere which said that following true love does not always lead to happiness.... very sad but true i guess..... its really sad when the feeling of true love is only one sided..sighzzz...
colliefleur Posted May 8, 2004 Posted May 8, 2004 No contact really works - believe me there is nothing you can say or do to change someone's mind, you will only end up looking needy and pathetic. I believe we should put up a bit of a fight, just in case the dumper is having second thoughts. But constantly contacting someone only makes them pull away even more, and that's not what you're trying to do. No contact gives you breathing space, gives the dumper breathing space so they can start to process what they've just done. Sometimes they will miss the dumpee and come back. Sometimes they will be relieved and move on. No matter what the dumper does, the dumpee will have had time also to process and start healing. Believe me, no contact is the only way to heal quickly. My ex contacted me after about 8 weeks of no contact. I was doing very nicely thank you - heaps of work on myself. He didn't want to re-start the relationship and that's probably a good thing as he is so screwed up and confused and I'm the one who is together. The only way I was able to get myself together was having no contact. No I know I've had a relapse in the healing process but I'm sure I can get back on track. Just remember, desperation is not a good look!
meanttolive4ever Posted May 8, 2004 Posted May 8, 2004 ive made a no contact rule but ive also broke it a few times...but hes also called me after we broke up because we said that we would remain friends...but two weeks after we broke up he was with some high school chick and would only call me when either they broke up or if he was bored while she was at school or if something was wrong...
amy - lyn Posted May 8, 2004 Posted May 8, 2004 I am currently maddened by the no contact rule. I have a very sorry tale. I'm married, and yet fell in love with a married man at work. I've been married, pretty happily, for almost ten years - but just totally fell for this guy - he just got me - and I just got him. I've worked with a lot of men, and nothing like this ever happened to me - but there I was, immersed in the whole cliched tale - soul mates, wish we were married, talking about the beautiful children we would have with each other (never even considered kids until I met this guy)... He decided to stay with his family. Crushed me. I don't know what I thought I was getting into - I mean, what a nightmare it would have been to break the hearts of both of our spouses - and he is much smarter than I am - he knew that he couldn't live with the idea of destroying his family for his own happiness - and I also think that there was something much more stable about his family than with me - I'm a bit of a wild child and would have pushed him into a much different lifestyle - I mean, he would have loved it, but the point is, he made his choice when he got married - he never wanted anything like this to happen - but I think we just both felt like we couldn't help it - I couldn't leave him alone for the next couple of months, and he didn't want me to, even though he tried so hard to stay away from me - but I am just so in love with him. Even though I think that we also have the basis for a pretty amazing friendship - once it got romantic - I just couldn't go back to platonic. A few months after he broke it off with me, we ended up together for one night - we both cried - knowing that it was the last - and then ended it. Unfortunately, we never got to know if we could actually make the almost impossible leap back to friendship - because his wife sensed his feelings for me, and gave him the ultimatum that he had to leave work and our town and never speak to me again. So I thought that I would get a chance to transition with this great guy back to friends - and instead, I got the no contact rule. I want so much to stay in touch with him, but I have to admit that it must not be platonic - because I don't worry about staying in touch with my platonic friends like I worry about this guy. And I know that he is so smart to implement the no contact rule - because we will both get over it so much faster -but I am so sad. I feel so stupid - we couldn't control ourselves, and lost a life long friendship. And I have my collection of letters that I've written him - and almost sent him one yesterday, and then for the first time, decided instead of sending it to look online to see if anyone had any ideas about the whole situation - and found this website and this message board, and decided to pour my heart out. I know that I only want to stay in touch with him because I don't want it to end - I don't want his feelings for me to fade - but I also know that he doesn't want me in his life - he can't have me there if his marriage stands a chance. I just have to stay strong - and try to take the good from my very intense relationship from this great guy - and realize that we did the wrong thing - and deserve this painful time. Thanks if you made it all the way through - it feels good to just get it out.
meanttolive4ever Posted May 8, 2004 Posted May 8, 2004 i really want to call him...even if its just to hear his voice...should i?
krbshappy71 Posted May 8, 2004 Posted May 8, 2004 Nooooooooooooo do not call. FIND SOMETHING ELSE TO DO!!!
krbshappy71 Posted May 8, 2004 Posted May 8, 2004 A list of things to do instead: Read a book surf the web go for a hike go for a picnic clean you closets have a fun time burning all past momentos of them (bring marshmallows) wash the car in a swimsuit and get whistled at go shopping (leave credit cards at home...eeep!) call up a girl friend and promise yourself you will NOT discuss "him" with her. Have a wonderful conversation about ANY thing else. Need I say more? More suggestions are available upon request.
meanttolive4ever Posted May 8, 2004 Posted May 8, 2004 Originally posted by krbshappy71 A list of things to do instead: Read a book surf the web go for a hike go for a picnic clean you closets have a fun time burning all past momentos of them (bring marshmallows) wash the car in a swimsuit and get whistled at go shopping (leave credit cards at home...eeep!) call up a girl friend and promise yourself you will NOT discuss "him" with her. Have a wonderful conversation about ANY thing else. Need I say more? More suggestions are available upon request. i took all the pics of him n us out of my photo albums and he asked me what i was doing..i said i was gonna burn them..he was like NOOOOOOO! and he took them and put them in his cabinet by his bed. Then he didnt want to give me back my class ring( we wore eachothers on necklaces but his was a huge army ring) and he has prom pics and letters that i wrote him in that cabinet...so i guess it still means he loves me or atleast cares for me. But like ive said before he only really calls me unless somethings wrong or he's boke up with someone..its weird
krbshappy71 Posted May 8, 2004 Posted May 8, 2004 But like ive said before he only really calls me unless somethings wrong or he's boke up with someone..its weird My honest opinion: you are being used. My honest suggestion: drop contact. You are hurting yourself. Okay. I am done now. Probably not what you wanted to hear but oh well.
meanttolive4ever Posted May 8, 2004 Posted May 8, 2004 Originally posted by krbshappy71 But like ive said before he only really calls me unless somethings wrong or he's boke up with someone..its weird My honest opinion: you are being used. My honest suggestion: drop contact. You are hurting yourself. Okay. I am done now. Probably not what you wanted to hear but oh well. well i havent spoke to him in like almost a week..so im doing good...but it stays like this for like a week or so and i give in or he gives in..its horrible..i just want him to see what he's missing
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