Kismet82379 Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 Hello, I have an interesting and somewhat difficult question regarding engagement rings. I have been engaged since April of 2010 to my former best friend. You will understand why he is my FORMER best friend shortly. He has been difficult since we started dating because he has repeatedly tried to sabotage our relationship. He would do things he knew I wouldn't like to try and get me to leave him. The reason for this is simple enough, when you think about it. For the first time in his life he is catching himself thinking about someone other than himself, and being a terribly self-centered human being, it was difficult for him to understand. The point is, we always made it through his attempts, until recently. About 3 months ago, he told me he was going to leave me and go back to his home state. This, of course, spurred arguments between us and, I will admit, I started drinking. A lot. He decided after a few days that he loved me more than his home state, so he was going to stay. Unfortunately, the damage was already done. I was angry because right before he told me he was going to leave, he started talking to his ex online.We did what we could to pretend it was all fixed, but my drinking didn't stop and he never gave me a clear answer about her, so the fighting continued. Two weeks after the original fight, he said he was leaving me because we were fighting. I severely limited my drinking in an effort to save us, and it did temporarily, but then he started in again. To make a long and difficult story short, he ended up leaving me for about 5 hours, at which point, he told me that he didn't want us to be over because he loves me and doesn't want a life without me. Again, we are engaged. A week ago today, I checked my e-mail and there was a message from the ex. It wasn't really a letter to me, but it was a transcript of their entire conversation since they started talking. That was how I found out that they were sexting in May. On top of everything else that he has put me through, he cheated on me. We had a 2 day conversation, during which I told him he was no better than his ex-wives (both of whom had cheated on him), except that I had never and would never step out on our relationship. He told me that he was stupid and made a stupid choice that he tried to hide from me because he knew it had been wrong and didn't want me to leave him over it. I told him that he was to cut all ties with her and that if I ever see him so much as say hi to her again, I will make him miserable for all of eternity. Since you now have the basic rundown of the past few months, I have a question to ask. I am not leaving him. I love him, besides, I can't make his life terrible if I am not around him to do it. The entire time that this was going on, I was still wearing this engagement ring. Now I can't help but feel that it is tainted with the negativity of the past few months. If we are going to start over clean and leave all of that behind, should I ask that he get me a new ring? I know this seems like a silly little thing, all things considered, but it was the only constant during his crisis. I am one of those people that will not move with a broom because it is just asking to bring every negative thing that happened at the old place with you. Any suggestions, or am I just being silly?
Arikel Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 No, I dont think it's silly. Small things can hurt the worst, and small reminders can keep breaking your heart
Arabella Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 I can actually see why you'd want a new ring. After all, it's a very powerful symbol of two people's commitment to each other. Give him the old ring back and ask that he renew his commitment to you with a new one. A new beginning, so to speak
DustySaltus Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 I think it's silly that you don't give him the engagement ring back and run in the opposite direction. Get yourself to an AA meeting and work on your issues. You have to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with anyone else. He'll continue to push the boundaries of the relationship if their are know repercussions. You need to have some respect for yourself, or he will repeat this behavior over and over again.
westrock Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 I am not leaving him. I love him, besides, I can't make his life terrible if I am not around him to do it. I don't get it. You're saying you want to make his life terrible? As much as you don't like the drama, it sounds like the two of you live off the drama. Now I can't help but feel that it is tainted with the negativity of the past few months. If we are going to start over clean and leave all of that behind, should I ask that he get me a new ring? I know this seems like a silly little thing, all things considered, but it was the only constant during his crisis. I am one of those people that will not move with a broom because it is just asking to bring every negative thing that happened at the old place with you. Any suggestions, or am I just being silly? You can get a new ring but that doesn't erase the history between the two of you. IMO you should keep the same ring as a reminder of all that the two of you have been through, the good and the bad. Otherwise the two of you are bound to repeat the same mistakes again. I am one of those people that will not move with a broom because it is just asking to bring every negative thing that happened at the old place with you. Any suggestions, or am I just being silly? Getting rid of everything when you move ignores the fact that wherever you go, there you are too, with all your past history, attitudes, and ways of living coming along with you. One idea is to give back the ring and ask him to propose again to show his committment.
CaliBabe Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 a new ring will not erase what has been done. i think you should defintely do marriage counseling before walking down the aisle.
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