meddin Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 I’m not sure if I’m venting/ confessing or just need to see this laid out in front of me. I have been married for 17 years and have been faithful in thoughts and actions until this point. In April I stayed late to help clean up after a party at a friends place, my h had gone home early. I was alone with our friend and we went too far. He is married and we have known him and his wife 10 years. In May at a friends cabin my h passed out drunk at a party, a friend of his started dancing and making moves and I responded. We had oral sex. He has a long term girlfriend who I know very well. This has remained a one time event. I contacted him once to see how he was doing and he made it clear that “it was worth it” but he didn’t want to progress further I had hoped to keep it a one time thing with om1 but that hasn’t worked. Since then there have been multiple encounters, (oral sex) and we txt almost daily. Majority is initiated by him. I’m not an impulsive person. I usually weigh the pros and cons of every decision multiple times before jumping in. This is completely out of character for me. I have never had to flirt, or even date, my h and I were friends long before we decided to marry I do love my h but the sex is minimal in quantity and disappointing in quality. I don’t want to be involved in this affair. I know its just chemical and im myself and others harm. I’ve refused to answer any txt from him but I feel I need to let him know its done. Just finding the right time and strength to make that work. That said something is defiantly missing from my life. Before this I would have said my marriage was happy and I was fulfilled. That’s obviously crap. This has been a hard year for me, my mother was diagnosed Alzheimer’s, a good friend passed away and I started a new high pressure job, I thought I was coping but I guess that’s crap as well.
manup Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 Excuse Excuse Excuse If you are a somewhat decent person you'll tell him. Don't play the "I'll have to live with the guilt card either." There is nothing worse than living in ignorance and being unable to make your own decisions. He may even want to see a counselor where you can work on your problems. If you don't tell though this will be an albatross over your marriage and he may find out regardless.
Bugz Bunny Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 Congratulations you destroyed your H for selfish reasons... And please tell your H the truth so that he can make his own decision to stay or leave...He deserves the truth at least... And I hope it all was worth destroying your marriage of 17 years... Oh my God this World is crazy...
woinlove Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 That's really sad that you've been having sex with friends of your husband and husband/boyfriend of your friends. If you want to learn to treat your friends and husband with more kindness and care in the future, you need to tell your husband and get into counselling.
ver13 Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 IMO you need to just look at what you posted and ask yourself do you really want to stay in your M with the man your with. We all make mistakes but for some reason you just continued to make the same one over and over. If your M has hit a rut then you need to sit down and have a real talk about what you need to stay in it , sex, intimacy etc... But you realize the cheating may be to much for your H to handle. With that being said you have to do what is right for your relationship and oral sex with OM is not it. If you don't tell him your doomed to fall apart, just because your putting this out here right now means somewhere at your core you know that you can't continue to live like this. This is not a secret that you will be able to keep to yourself for too long and if you can keep it without destroying your sense of self worth it means you truly don't give a D*** about your M in the first place. It's time to put your Big Girl pants on talk to the man you call your H from the heart.
ThePerfectOW Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 It might be a little selfish, but not in a totally bad way. Usually, when a woman is with a man, she seems to always get close to her man;s friends, never the other way around. I was with my baby's father for 5 years and he got into drugs. We didn't have a child at that time and when he was doing drugs, he didn't turn me on AT ALL. He had a friend that I considered my best guy friend. He was always there for me, even when me and my boyfriend fought. He was married and I was friends with his wife. But one night, he came onto me and we ended up having sex throughout a 4 month period, no more than 10 times. I loved my boyfriend and I thought being with his friend would make it understood that there were to be no feelings. I wanted someone to want me, and even though I didn't end it with my boyfriend, I always knew he was looking at me like "Damn..." =D It felt good, no matter the situation. Maybe it was stemming from low self esteem at the time, but me and him still talk and never regret it. Btw, his wife and my baby's father know about it. We agreed to tell them... But we only said once!
Bryanp Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 I have a couple of questions for you: 1. How would you feel if your husband was doing to you behind your back and putting your health at risk for STD's that you are doing to him? 2. You say you have been friends with this husband and wife for 10 years. This is way you show your friendship with the wife of 10 years by being intimate with her husband behind her back? 3. You have oral sex with another man at a cabin while your husband fell asleep from drinking. You have totally humiliated and disrespected your husband and your marriage. I think it must have been a turn on to you knowing your husband was sleeping when you engaged in this behavior. 4. The man who you had oral sex with at the cabin while your husband slept has a long term girlfriend who you know very well. Is this the way you treat friends? The hell with friendship as long as I get what you want? 5. You continue to have sex with OM1 making your husband look like a fool. At least be honest with him so he can have choice about his life as well. Why don't you tell him it is now O.K. for him to look for other women to have sex with? I do hope you do not have children. What a role model? Please seek individual therapy and marriage counseling after you are honest with your husband. What are you going to say to OM's wife and your good friend after you eventually get caught? You are a real piece of work. You need to be honest for a change and tell your husband. Wouldn't you want to know? You have a very broken moral compass.
manup Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 It might be a little selfish, but not in a totally bad way. Usually, when a woman is with a man, she seems to always get close to her man;s friends, never the other way around. I was with my baby's father for 5 years and he got into drugs. We didn't have a child at that time and when he was doing drugs, he didn't turn me on AT ALL. He had a friend that I considered my best guy friend. He was always there for me, even when me and my boyfriend fought. He was married and I was friends with his wife. But one night, he came onto me and we ended up having sex throughout a 4 month period, no more than 10 times. I loved my boyfriend and I thought being with his friend would make it understood that there were to be no feelings. I wanted someone to want me, and even though I didn't end it with my boyfriend, I always knew he was looking at me like "Damn..." =D It felt good, no matter the situation. Maybe it was stemming from low self esteem at the time, but me and him still talk and never regret it. Btw, his wife and my baby's father know about it. We agreed to tell them... But we only said once! No you're just a slut. Seriously though you are.
John Michael Kane Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 Congratulations you destroyed your H for selfish reasons... And please tell your H the truth so that he can make his own decision to stay or leave...He deserves the truth at least... And I hope it all was worth destroying your marriage of 17 years... Oh my God this World is crazy... Agreed.....
Untouchable_Fire Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 I do love my h but the sex is minimal in quantity and disappointing in quality. I don’t want to be involved in this affair. I know its just chemical and im myself and others harm. I’ve refused to answer any txt from him but I feel I need to let him know its done. Just finding the right time and strength to make that work. So first question... Why does your sex life suck? If you don't know... then it's your JOB to find out. That said something is defiantly missing from my life. Before this I would have said my marriage was happy and I was fulfilled. That’s obviously crap. This has been a hard year for me, my mother was diagnosed Alzheimer’s, a good friend passed away and I started a new high pressure job, I thought I was coping but I guess that’s crap as well. Stress doesn't usually drive you into affairs... low self esteem does. So is this your real problem? What kind of person are you? WHat kind of person is your husband? In your opinion are you two a good match? Does your husband believe you two are a good match? You might sit back and be shocked by all the people who just write what a horrible person you are.... but for those of us who are interested in helping... We need more info.
Steadfast Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 That said something is defiantly missing from my life. Before this I would have said my marriage was happy and I was fulfilled. That’s obviously crap. This has been a hard year for me, my mother was diagnosed Alzheimer’s, a good friend passed away and I started a new high pressure job, I thought I was coping but I guess that’s crap as well. It isn't your husband's job to make you happy. Only you can do that. You sound very unhappy, possibly stemming from boredom or general dissatisfaction. Perhaps subconsciously you've decided to trash the whole thing, hoping to find something worth keeping in the wreckage. You are definitely wrecking it...problem is, you've involved people (your husband, mainly) who didn't get a vote. That's piling problems. Lots and lots of them. What's done is done. There is no going back. You must tell your husband what you've done, explain your side, then allow him a chance to sort through the emotional mess. Being his wife, you probably have a good idea how he'll react. Being a father and (formerly) a husband, I suspect he'll pass through anger and move straight into denial. Let him work through the various stages until he's thinking clearly. It'll take some time. IMO, you do not love your husband. Like many, you love many things about your spouse, in addition to the security that you've built together. To truly love him the way a wife is supposed to love her man, hurting him would be the very last thing you'd allow. To spearhead the movement means something else all together. You need to be honest with yourself. Tell him. Give him a chance at life. Now is the time for courage. Face it.
jnj express Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 Hey you did a really great job of demonizing your H---to justify spreading your legs, or opening your mouth, for all your buddies, if things were so terrible sexually there were many things you could have tried to do, besides doing what you did----and what the he*l, are you doing staying to clean up, and making your H. go home by himself---I THINK YOU PLANNED TO STRAY ON YOUR H. THAT VERY NIGHT, AND YOU SURE ENUFF DID IT When lover #2 was coming on to you---there lay your H., and you didn't have enuff guts to stop the flirting, and tend to your H. You made your bed, now you need to sleep in it---at least have the courage to tell your H., what you have done, and let him decide his future You cheat on him every single day, now, its by OMMISSION, as you come home everyday, look him in the eyes, and say everything is fine----what do YOU SEE WHEN YOU LOOK IN THE MIRROR, how about a liar, conniver, manipulator, how about homewrecker if the other women find out what you have done to their H/BF. Give your H., a break, and D. him, let him find someone who truly loves him---FOR YOU CERTAINLY DON'T---all I got out of your story was, your H. is no good at this, and he is no good at that, and You have this pressure, and you have that problem, one thing is very clear YOU DO NOT LOVE YOUR H., for one who loves their H., does not have sex with other men. How much time have you actually sat down and spent discussing your problems with your H., I bet the number of hours can be counted on the fingers of one hand, and that's probably for the total time you have been married. Let us hope and pray you have no kids, cuz you have/are cheating on them also---but you knew all of this, even now as you refuse to stop what you are doing
KathyM Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 Just file the divorce papers and get it over with. You said you hate the sex with him. You obviously don't love him. You cheated on him. What's left to salvage? Do the guy a favor and file the papers. If you do decide to stay with him, at least have the decency to tell him the truth, and confess what you've done, and beg for forgiveness.
road Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 It might be a little selfish, but not in a totally bad way. Usually, when a woman is with a man, she seems to always get close to her man;s friends, never the other way around. I was with my baby's father for 5 years and he got into drugs. We didn't have a child at that time and when he was doing drugs, he didn't turn me on AT ALL. He had a friend that I considered my best guy friend. He was always there for me, even when me and my boyfriend fought. He was married and I was friends with his wife. But one night, he came onto me and we ended up having sex throughout a 4 month period, no more than 10 times. I loved my boyfriend and I thought being with his friend would make it understood that there were to be no feelings. I wanted someone to want me, and even though I didn't end it with my boyfriend, I always knew he was looking at me like "Damn..." =D It felt good, no matter the situation. Maybe it was stemming from low self esteem at the time, but me and him still talk and never regret it. Btw, his wife and my baby's father know about it. We agreed to tell them... But we only said once! You cheated You double cheated by doing it with his friend You triple cheated by lying that it was only one time Your BH needs to be told the truth. It is one thing to recover with a WW. I'm sure your BH would never allow his "friend" to be in your live's if he knew the truth. This is why you must tell your BH. You are making your BH living a lie. That is not loving someone.
road Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 I’m not sure if I’m venting/ confessing or just need to see this laid out in front of me. I stayed late to help clean up after a party at a friends place, my h had gone home early. I was alone with our friend and we went too far. He is married and we have known him and his wife 10 years. In May at a friends cabin my h passed out drunk at a party, a friend of his started dancing and making moves and I responded. We had oral sex. I do love my h but the sex is minimal in quantity and disappointing in quality...... but I guess that’s crap as well. OM talk. OM1 told OM2 he got lucky with you. OM2 figured your easy, perfect time to try with your BH out cold. Banging OM will not help your BH get better in the bed. At this point you are making your BH live a life that is based on lies. The same for the OMW1 and OMW2. If you to stay married then you must go NC with these OM's. Also you must tell these OMW's about the affair.
Author meddin Posted August 5, 2011 Author Posted August 5, 2011 background: There are not any children in any of the relationships we live in a small community finding someone we are not related too or friends with is near impossible. I would have to drive 30kms to find a true stranger. om1&2 do not know each other, they are from different social circles. We have been in counseling for our relationship and for his drinking. We keep this private and keep up a public front. Oddly enough we are the couple others seek out for advice. Our kitchen table has been the scene of several mediations. We communicate quite well by comparison to other couples. We've known each other most of our lives and until now I'd say we knew everything about each other. H has been very supportive through the last year and I've leaned on him quite a bit. Hes a prince of a man and deserves better than this. When your together a long time to make compromises for the sake of the relationship. I really wanted to be a mother and have children. He doesn’t want children. After 3 years of fighting and anguish I decided staying with him and having him in my life was more important than family and I gave up. It was my concession I don’t hold it against him. Since then sex for us has been tense. When I advance he pushes me away. He never makes an advance on me sober. I asked why on multiple occasions but he refused to answer. The therapist thought he was afraid I was asking for sex to "accidentally" get pregnant. He denied it but I thought their might be some truth so I had an IUD put in. No change. I tried choking back my desires and telling myself it didn’t matter, that he was worth living a sexless life. I tried telling him how important it was to me and he did make an effort but it was forced and I felt horrible "making" him have sex with me. I often wonder what om1&2 were thinking what led them to to take the chance and hit on me. H is a big deal in our community, for each of them I would be equal to a kind of bosses wife, their risks are almost greater than mine.
John Michael Kane Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 background: There are not any children in any of the relationships we live in a small community finding someone we are not related too or friends with is near impossible. I would have to drive 30kms to find a true stranger. om1&2 do not know each other, they are from different social circles. We have been in counseling for our relationship and for his drinking. We keep this private and keep up a public front. Oddly enough we are the couple others seek out for advice. Our kitchen table has been the scene of several mediations. We communicate quite well by comparison to other couples. We've known each other most of our lives and until now I'd say we knew everything about each other. H has been very supportive through the last year and I've leaned on him quite a bit. Hes a prince of a man and deserves better than this. When your together a long time to make compromises for the sake of the relationship. I really wanted to be a mother and have children. He doesn’t want children. After 3 years of fighting and anguish I decided staying with him and having him in my life was more important than family and I gave up. It was my concession I don’t hold it against him. Since then sex for us has been tense. When I advance he pushes me away. He never makes an advance on me sober. I asked why on multiple occasions but he refused to answer. The therapist thought he was afraid I was asking for sex to "accidentally" get pregnant. He denied it but I thought their might be some truth so I had an IUD put in. No change. I tried choking back my desires and telling myself it didn’t matter, that he was worth living a sexless life. I tried telling him how important it was to me and he did make an effort but it was forced and I felt horrible "making" him have sex with me. I often wonder what om1&2 were thinking what led them to to take the chance and hit on me. H is a big deal in our community, for each of them I would be equal to a kind of bosses wife, their risks are almost greater than mine. And cheating on him multiple times with multiple men will certainly help, right? Please just let him go. He never deserved this. Doesn't matter what the issues were now and those issues didn't force you to cheat. If he didn't want kids nor any sex with you then you should've divorced him, which is what you should do now. And those men may have hit on you, but you "returned the favor."
road Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 When you married was having children discussed? If he wanted kids then, or never said no to having kids then divorce him.
jnj express Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 If you do not have the gumption to get out of a miserable mge---that is on you If you are gonna stay in the mge, then you follow the married script, of which "not cheating" is part of that script You either need to tell you H., or D. your H----once again if your mge is so terrible that he is drunk all the time, and your sex life is terrible, then why would you stay???????
Bryanp Posted August 6, 2011 Posted August 6, 2011 You state that your husband is a prince of a man but you had no problem having oral sex with another man in the same cabin when your husband fell asleep from drinking too much. This has to be the ultimate in degradation to your husband that you were getting a cheap thrill doing this while your husband was sleeping. What is wrong with this picture? I assume that you would have no problem if your husband was doing to you what you have been doing to him?
GG2W Posted August 6, 2011 Posted August 6, 2011 Why did they hit on you? The conquest. For some there is no bigger sexual kick than nailing a married woman
sadcalifornian Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 Why does it matter what OM1&2 think. Of course, they have no moral code and do whatever please them. And, you are no different. People can remain moral if there is no temptation, but if you give in as soon as the opportunity shows, that's who you are. Nobody is 100% happy in marriage. You keep mentioning how unhappy you are sexually with your H. But, you know what? Most men in marriage are not happy with their sexual relationship with W either. If they decide to find faults with their W with not enough of this, not good enough of that, who wouldn't find reason to stray. If your M is not bad enough to D before you had A, then whatever reason you throw to justify it afterwards doesn't mean a squat. Your focus should not be what those scumbag OM1&2 think, but it should be on what the hell is wrong with you !! If your H is of higher social status than those OMs, it would also be possible that they get thrill of boinking the boss's wife. It makes them feel superior to your H. Some men get off on that. Stop swimming in this cesspool, and get out to be a decent human being you once were. Confession to your H would be the best and the most honorable way, but I doubt you are such sort. Then, at least end the A and end the contact once and for all. Get some integrity back, for Heaven's sake.
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