Marital Bed

[happywithme]

Yeah, I know, its a little more than that though. Its more of a lifestyle thing. Its idiotic though, I know. And the more I read here frankly the worse I feel about the whole thing. I can't believe I actually did this.

[whichwayisup]

Thank you again for the responses. Any advice on how to end it with him, and still get to work with him or is that not really possible? We did it once for a couple of weeks, and he seemed really fine with it and just happy to be friends and work together, but after the couple of weeks he got really aggressive about wanting me, missing me, etc.

 

You work with him all the time? Or just part time at his house?

 

If I were you, start looking for another job.

 

As for him, tell him it was fun while it lasted but don't want to be part of an affair triangle and help him hurt and betray his wife.

 

You can do MUCH better than him.

[happywithme]

I work with him half time. We are in a really rural area and I don't really have a lot of opportunities to work with what I want to do.

[MissBee]

This exchange helps me see a bit more, that OW concerned about derision of OW sometimes have very low bars indeed, for what constitutes an attack or an insult.

 

My standing concern is: why is it that when OPs post and threads carry on without them complaining or accusing people of deriding/bullying/judging them etc and they have even thanked posters several times in the very same thread for their advice, others see the need to jump in "to their defense" when the thread had carried on with no malice from the OP's point of view?

 

How can you be more upset for the OP's "posting comfort" than he/she is??? If they have not themselves found fault with other posters' advice and style then it is out of place for another to insist that they are being mistreated. That's like running into a perfectly fine building with a water hose, trying to out a fire that is non-existent....

[happywithme]

That is what my friend I told said. He really thinks this guy is taking advantage of me. I don't. I have free will as messed up as it is. And I hope I can do better.

 

Damn.

[happywithme]

How can you be more upset for the OP's "posting comfort" than he/she is??? If they have not themselves found fault with other posters' advice and style then it is out of place for another to insist that they are being mistreated. That's like running into a perfectly fine building with a water hose, trying to out a fire that is non-existent....

 

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I havn't taken offence. What they are saying is true, and it is messed up. I know I've been a self centered $##@ with this. Dumb as it is. Crap

 

I just kind of found myself in this. I'd never had a guy this interested in me before and I liked it.

[MissBee]

I really don't find this guy attractive. I guess maybe convenient and kind of extra interested but not attractive.

 

Girl, the more you divulge, the more apparent it is that you don't need to be doing this. He is not attractive, romantic, you don't love him and vice versa, it doesn't even seem like you like him that much, he can't afford stuff....the list goes on. Is the sex good at least? I am truly asking, as at this point, it doesn't seem like there are any enticing incentives for messing with him.

 

Opportunities, as far as jobs and careers go (and everything else), always arise. Don't box yourself in and feel like you can only do what you want to do in life by sleeping with your unattractive boss who pays you lots of attention, for reasons that may have nothing to do with you. With a little exploration, I am sure you can find some other opportunity that won't involve you feeling bad about yourself.

[happywithme]

And I'm not in California.

[whichwayisup]

You go with your gut and since you are in the situation and see the reality of it all, you're the one who has to live with your choices. If you are unhappy, then do something about your life to change it for the better! Whether that be finding another job (even in rural towns there are job opportunies so don't think that you're stuck with him work wise) and/or ending it with him completely, NO more sex or intimacy, flirting etc., you can do this if you want to.

[SoMovinOn]

But I do agree that people violated in such a way have to find a way to deal with it. The best way is to tell the one that they trusted to not have done such a thing how they feel about it. Its no good stuffing one's feelings and acting as if they forgot about it and moved on without having their say.

 

Certainly they need to address it, deal with it, talk about it... do whatever it is they are going to do, but *after* that, in order to move on, that is when you need to put it behind you. You can't hold on to things like that and be happy or live a good life. You can't move forward if you are looking behind you - you'll run into a wall at some point.

[MissBee]

How can you be more upset for the OP's "posting comfort" than he/she is??? If they have not themselves found fault with other posters' advice and style then it is out of place for another to insist that they are being mistreated. That's like running into a perfectly fine building with a water hose, trying to out a fire that is non-existent....

 

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I havn't taken offence. What they are saying is true, and it is messed up. I know I've been a self centered $##@ with this. Dumb as it is. Crap

 

I just kind of found myself in this. I'd never had a guy this interested in me before and I liked it.

 

 

I know Happy. That was my point! That sometimes other posters run into a thread with the metaphorical fire hose, ready to out a fire that does not exist, shielding the OP from gunfire that is imaginary, when the thread had carried on with the OP feeling quite fine and finding it beneficial. Hence, I think it should be left solely to the OPs to decide if they feel offended or need defending....

 

Anyway: I don't know how old you are and it doesn't matter, but I do know exactly how it is to have someone pay an interest in you, that's validating. However, I have learned that sometimes seeking validation in others leads us to precarious situations, situations in which we are used and abused and it's not so great afterall. It's all good and well to be complimented and to feel attractive and desirable...but we shouldn't be yearning for it so much that the first loser who winks at us or chats us up, we're ready to throw caution to the wind and entangle ourselves with them! We shouldn't yearn for it so much that we start to believe that ANY attention is good attention OR are so enamored by another's position and status that we think any attention from them must mean we are great or even that their status makes them great. Simply not so!

 

I am sure you are a great girl and once you cultivate that true acceptance of yourself as such, you won't be quickly seduced into such scenarios. It takes awareness though, and you're already teasing out the reality of things, so good on you! Sometimes we do one thing for one reason, it seems, then as we dig deeper the truth comes out. The thread started about the marital bed and has morphed into you realizing the real reason you mess with him, which aren't about his bed and whether that is weird or not.

 

I think you should Google the site baggage reclaim and check out some of the articles! It will help you in this situation to put a lot into perspective!

Edited August 5, 2011 by MissBee

[SoMovinOn]

I think it's pretty obvious that men and women have different views on the issue.

As is those "reluctant" OW (whatever that is) and the "unapologetic" OW have different views on the issue as well. Where you come from indicated which line you are willing to cross.

 

So have you done it with your MOW in HER marital bed?

 

No. ... but only because there is no time when I would be reasonably sure he might not show up at home.

 

If he were to go out of town overnight or for a few days, I'd be fine with moving in with her and have no problems having sex anywhere in the house, or in, on, or under any of the furniture in the house.

[SoMovinOn]

PM? That is a message right? I have to post a bunch to get that option?

 

I am getting a very uneasy feeling about the whole thing now that I'm finally talking about it. I started to talk about it once to a male friend of mine and his reaction was so strong that I havn't talked about it to others.

 

Happy... Let me offer you another perspective.

 

Perhaps this man isn't evil. Perhaps this man isn't sending some subconscious message to his wife by sleeping with you in their bed. It is common for people to have sex in a bed, and, I imagine he doesn't have any extra beds laying around unused.

 

There is a whole psychology of what happens with people of the opposite sex when they work closely together. We see it all the time in Hollywood, where the two stars of a movie spend long periods of time working together on a movie, and end up dating or even getting married by the time shooting is done. It is also the reason why many affairs begin in the workplace.

 

Feeling some attraction, physical or otherwise, for someone with whom you work closely is common and normal. The closer you work together, the more you work together, the more likely some type of attraction will develop.

 

In many cases, being in an office with a bunch of other people, workplace rules, company policies, etc. can help keep this attraction from developing into something more. Other than the two people policing themselves, their own emotions and their own actions, there is significant pressure beyond that helping to keep them from getting involved in an inappropriate relationship.

 

You worked at his home office, just the two of you. It was a scenario that would most definitely lead to some attraction between the two of you in all but the most extreme circumstances. Being alone together for long periods of time only helped to fuel this fire. It was almost inevitable the two of you might, at the very least, test the waters.

 

I'm telling you that to let you know that, while the two of you used some bad judgement in allowing things to progress this far, it doesn't make either of you evil, terrible people, and it doesn't mean he, or you, has bad feeling towards his W. I don't know - he may feel as badly about all this, struggle with all this, as much as you do.

 

Clearly though, *you* have stated that you are uncomfortable with it. So, how do you deal with that?

 

I can tell you this - if you want the A to end, you have to get away from him. There is no way you two could continue to work together in such a close, intimate and private environment, and expect to keep it nothing but professional. It would take someone with nearly superhuman willpower to stay in that situation and change the relationship.

 

It doesn't matter what it does for you career wise or financially. The best you can take away from this is a lesson learned - if the job, the career and/or the money are important to you, avoid getting sexually involved with the boss. It almost always doesn't end well.

[Kitsune77]

Tell him to knock it off, now. Unless you are the insecure type to feel a cheap thrill from "besting" another woman.

 

Texting from his marital bed is immature, rebellious, and disrespectful to both you and she.

 

Take a stand, draw a line, shore up a boundary on unacceptable behavior and plant your flag there!

 

Jeez... I wouldn't have dated a guy who did that, let alone have an affair with him.

 

I only clued on recently that this was happening, and said I wasn't comfortable with it. It has scince stopped.

And I have no urge to best his wife, or be in competition with her. It's not about " getting" some other womans man for me.

Thanks for your insight Spark, I have been reading LS for a while, and value your opinion.

[SoMovinOn]

I work with him half time. We are in a really rural area and I don't really have a lot of opportunities to work with what I want to do.

 

Move to somewhere where there are more opportunities. It's easy for me to say, and I know it would be hard for you to do, but you *can* do it. People have left home to pursue a career with nothing more than their car and a couple of suitcases. It happens all the time. It can be done. You just have to want it bad enough.

[SoMovinOn]

That sometimes other posters run into a thread with the metaphorical fire hose, ready to out a fire that does not exist, shielding the OP from gunfire that is imaginary, when the thread had carried on with the OP feeling quite fine and finding it beneficial. Hence, I think it should be left solely to the OPs to decide if they feel offended or need defending....

 

Kind of like if you steal something from someone and they don't notice it missing, you didn't actually steal it or do anything wrong?

 

I don't think so. Inappropriate responses are inappropriate whether the OP recognizes them as such or not. Abuse is abuse whether the OP recognizes it as such or not. Spewing hatred and venom based on your own situation is spewing hatred and venom whether the OP recognizes it as such or not.

 

The concept that ending up at the right place makes any method by which you arrived there acceptable and fine is wrong. It's not right in any other part of life, and it's not right here.

[fooled once]

I never said I would do it. But as others have pointed out, it's a matter of opinion. My BF attaches no meaning to objects, including the marital bed. He never asked me to have sex there because he knows I'm not comfortable with the idea, but to him, cheating is cheating regardless of where it takes place.

 

And here is where I start to agree (to a point) with my BF. While I wouldn't have sex in his marital bed, if I was the BS, I would feel equally betrayed and wronged if he had sex in a car, or a hotel room, or her bed. I'd be hurt and angry no matter what. If he had sex in OUR bed, it might make it easier from my point of view, because I could completely write him off for doing so in the bed we share. Still, that's just my opinion.

 

Sure, post in some health message board with your opinion, as long as you are representing yourself accurately as someone who isn't a health professional and has no expertise. Your ideas may be worthwhile as part of the discussion, but will be taken with a grain of salt, since you don't have the training to devise a credible opinion.

 

That's a poor parallel, regardless. Here, it's not about knowledge or expertise in a subject matter. These forums are supposed to be a safe place for people in specific situations to discuss their feelings and look for insight from others who are supposed to be supportive. That doesn't mean agreeing with the OP, and sometimes means pointing out the painful truth of a bad situation, but it should never mean deriding the OP for asking for help.

 

If the BS or dejected former OW/OM are giving their opinions, they should be intended to help, not hurt. There is a huge difference between tough love (pointing out reality) and just plain hostility.

 

Silly me, I figured we all KNEW sleeping with a MM/MW was not a good idea. I didn't realize we should have focused on THAT part of the OP's thread vs the having sex in the marital bed

 

For heaven's sake, the "you aren't being supportive" line has gotten very old. Nice of you to take a dig at former OW with your "dejected" comment. Where is the hostility coming from? You. Why? You haven't been here according to your posts, so I guess you have missed all the other posts/support given to new posters. Instead of lashing out at BS or "dejected" former OW, who are giving their opinions, if you find posts offensive, report them I didn't see a single offensive remark made TO the OP, just about the situation.

 

I am sure you and others can point her in the direction of one of the two 'other' sites that will provide her with the support she needs so badly that she isn't getting here, according to you.

 

Glad you decided that all the people who responded to this thread weren't supportive or helpful enough. At least many of the long time posters are here to help out the new posters, since you aren't here to do it.

[bentnotbroken]

Kind of like if you steal something from someone and they don't notice it missing, you didn't actually steal it or do anything wrong?

 

I don't think so. Inappropriate responses are inappropriate whether the OP recognizes them as such or not. Abuse is abuse whether the OP recognizes it as such or not. Spewing hatred and venom based on your own situation is spewing hatred and venom whether the OP recognizes it as such or not.

 

The concept that ending up at the right place makes any method by which you arrived there acceptable and fine is wrong. It's not right in any other part of life, and it's not right here.

 

 

I can agree with this analogy. Kinda like a sleeping with another's spouse and spewing juices all over their home, even though they don't know it....wrong. Got it.

[MissBee]

Kind of like if you steal something from someone and they don't notice it missing, you didn't actually steal it or do anything wrong?

 

I don't think so. Inappropriate responses are inappropriate whether the OP recognizes them as such or not. Abuse is abuse whether the OP recognizes it as such or not. Spewing hatred and venom based on your own situation is spewing hatred and venom whether the OP recognizes it as such or not.

 

The concept that ending up at the right place makes any method by which you arrived there acceptable and fine is wrong. It's not right in any other part of life, and it's not right here.

 

What one finds to be offensive is subjective. I agree that abuse is abuse whether or not someone recognizes it, but then we get into that area of if there is a fine line between abuse and just someone disagreeing, which often is the case on LS, many a fights and threads goes on and on about people trying to decide what is appropriate advice from what isn't, who should have the last word? The OP or some other person?

 

If the abuse is so subtle as to warrant several parties trying to decipher, then maybe the OP should be the final judge. If it is apparently abusive, the OP as well as everyone else and the mods would see it as such but once it's only one or two people and the OP is not in that number, then how can you claim to be defending THEM? It's better off you say you're defending a principle and not them....

[pureinheart]

It's just a bed. How many people were in a hotel bed before you? What did they do there? "Things" have no significance.

 

Thank you.... and so far I've seen very few that have acutally answered the OP. The M is obviously dead, and chances are it never lived.

 

I feel the same, it's just a bed...OP, if you feel uncomfortable tell him.

[pureinheart]

Kind of like if you steal something from someone and they don't notice it missing, you didn't actually steal it or do anything wrong?

 

I don't think so. Inappropriate responses are inappropriate whether the OP recognizes them as such or not. Abuse is abuse whether the OP recognizes it as such or not. Spewing hatred and venom based on your own situation is spewing hatred and venom whether the OP recognizes it as such or not.

 

The concept that ending up at the right place makes any method by which you arrived there acceptable and fine is wrong. It's not right in any other part of life, and it's not right here.

 

HWM, I couldn't agree with this post more. You will be told that A's are wrong, you will be "shamed" as you were in this thread...although that is acceptable...I'll never get that one:rolleyes:

 

Very well said SMO....

[SoMovinOn]

then how can you claim to be defending THEM? It's better off you say you're defending a principle and not them....

 

I don't think I claimed to be defending the OP, or anyone (but conceded I may be wrong on that point).

 

I just say what's on my mind. Certainly, my responses here are influenced by my overall experience here. The OP may very well not recognize a pattern, being a new poster. I, on the other hand, have seen this type of response time and again - he is an evil, twisted, pervert who hates his wife and blah blah blah...

 

There are times when it is clear the respondent is only projecting their own anger over their own situation onto someone else. It is most obvious when they blatantly twist the facts as present (such as, in this case, there were at least a couple of posters who turned the consideration of using one of the kids beds into something along the lines of "And you sick bastards even did it in the kids beds!!")

 

I think my overall ideas - stick to the facts, if you don't know or are unsure, ask, don't make assumptions... are sound. For whatever we share here in experiences, no matter how much they may seem the same, everyone and every situation is a bit different.

[NoIDidn't]

Happy... Let me offer you another perspective.

 

Perhaps this man isn't evil. Perhaps this man isn't sending some subconscious message to his wife by sleeping with you in their bed. It is common for people to have sex in a bed, and, I imagine he doesn't have any extra beds laying around unused.

 

{snip}

 

I can tell you this - if you want the A to end, you have to get away from him. There is no way you two could continue to work together in such a close, intimate and private environment, and expect to keep it nothing but professional. It would take someone with nearly superhuman willpower to stay in that situation and change the relationship.

 

It doesn't matter what it does for you career wise or financially. The best you can take away from this is a lesson learned - if the job, the career and/or the money are important to you, avoid getting sexually involved with the boss. It almost always doesn't end well.

 

I snipped the part that wasn't relevant to my response, but this is a great post! I call it the "it-just-happened-and-he-didn't-want-to-let-the-opportunity-pass" situation. LOL. But its true. It could very well be that he is struggling what he's done in his home against his family. It could very well be that he was only thinking about using what was available at the moment and has no evil intents against his W at all.

 

I know a lot of these guys. They seem to think with the "little head" and worry about the consequences later. They don't have ill-intent, per se, just very poor judgment and suffer from not being too bright when it comes to really considering the consequences of getting caught.

 

True story. A friend was cheating on his W and frequently brought the women back to their home. They didn't have children, but they had a dog. She noticed the dog acting erratic sometimes but couldn't place the reason for the behavior. Then she started walking in on him sleeping with a different woman more than once or twice by coming home from work earlier than usual. The changes he went through to get her to stay with him proves that he didn't hate her or was giving her the big "F U" often spoken of here. He was self-employed and worked in the evenings as that was the nature of his business. He didn't make much money, so he couldn't afford a hotel - unless the woman paid for it. They are still together, mind you.

 

I do believe that some men hate their Ws and are abusing them and the OW in a sick way. But I would be remiss if I forgot about cases like the above when it was really a matter of convenience and poor impulse control.

[MissBee]

I don't think I claimed to be defending the OP, or anyone (but conceded I may be wrong on that point).

 

I just say what's on my mind. Certainly, my responses here are influenced by my overall experience here. The OP may very well not recognize a pattern, being a new poster. I, on the other hand, have seen this type of response time and again - he is an evil, twisted, pervert who hates his wife and blah blah blah...

 

There are times when it is clear the respondent is only projecting their own anger over their own situation onto someone else. It is most obvious when they blatantly twist the facts as present (such as, in this case, there were at least a couple of posters who turned the consideration of using one of the kids beds into something along the lines of "And you sick bastards even did it in the kids beds!!")

 

I think my overall ideas - stick to the facts, if you don't know or are unsure, ask, don't make assumptions... are sound. For whatever we share here in experiences, no matter how much they may seem the same, everyone and every situation is a bit different.

 

That was you plural and not meant to mean you specifically. None of what I was saying was directed at you specifically.

[SoMovinOn]

That was you plural and not meant to mean you specifically. None of what I was saying was directed at you specifically.

 

We're good. My response still works, right?