bentnotbroken Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 Good point. You got me on that one. What about having sex with their spouse without their permission? What if he only has sex with his AP on HIS side of the bed? What about the fact the OP was uncomfortable with the entire situation, and the bed really wasn't an issue? A) rape B) nasty C) if their behind is in it they didn't feel uncomfortable enough For me the all = reprehensible.
jthorne Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 Memories are also made on the kitchen floor, on the couch, in the shower, on the desk in the office, in the car, in the backyard - and, depending on how adventurous one might be, in the bathroom at Home Depot, in a dark corner of your favorite bar, etc. It's not about where, it's with whom. No matter where one betrays their spouse, it is a betrayal. It doesn't get better or worse by choosing a different location. .... and she did NOT say they had sex in any of the kids rooms. Read it again - she said it had been considered. For all anyone who has responded here so far knows, the only thing that has happened in this marital bed is the guy and his wife slept there, maybe at the same time. For all anyone here knows, the kids are from her or his previous marriage, and he and she have never had sex, in that bed or anywhere else. Lots of assumptions and focusing on the wrong thing. I think it's pretty obvious that men and women have different views on the issue. As is those "reluctant" OW (whatever that is) and the "unapologetic" OW have different views on the issue as well. Where you come from indicated which line you are willing to cross. So have you done it with your MOW in HER marital bed?
Author happywithme Posted August 5, 2011 Author Posted August 5, 2011 Well, you have all given me a lot to think about. My MM exhibits a lot of rough behavior towards things. I really think the only thing that drew me towards him was the profesional side of him and frankly, he paid a lot of attention to me. The whole thing is really messed up. And I don't want to end up with him. I just wanted to learn stuff, thats really it. Crap. I need to figure this out.
jthorne Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 Well, you have all given me a lot to think about. My MM exhibits a lot of rough behavior towards things. I really think the only thing that drew me towards him was the profesional side of him and frankly, he paid a lot of attention to me. The whole thing is really messed up. And I don't want to end up with him. I just wanted to learn stuff, thats really it. Crap. I need to figure this out.Surely you can find a mentor elsewhere that doesn't treat you and others so disrespectfully.
Spark1111 Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 I think this issue is quite loaded, at least for me. The only man I have slept with all night, and woken up with in 12 years , is with my MM. And it has felt strange to me. I've often wondered how he can sleep so deeply with another woman ( not his wife) there. So for me, the marriage bed, would be a fairly sacred place. Mind you, he sends me sexy emails when he's in bed with his wife.. Which makes me feel strange. I think if I where to ever go to their house, and see their life together, i would have to break it off.the reality of the other woman ( his wife) would be too much for me. I think any man that screws another in his marriage bed, has some anger issues going on in his marriage. Or he just doesn't care. Either way, OP, I would be a bit wary. Tell him to knock it off, now. Unless you are the insecure type to feel a cheap thrill from "besting" another woman. Texting from his marital bed is immature, rebellious, and disrespectful to both you and she. Take a stand, draw a line, shore up a boundary on unacceptable behavior and plant your flag there! Jeez... I wouldn't have dated a guy who did that, let alone have an affair with him.
White Flower Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 (edited) Oh, I'm not. Not here. I joined this board a year ago and check in every few weeks, and it amazes me how many people are on here seemingly daily to flog everyone who comes here with valid questions and concerns. This board should be renamed the Scarlet A board. It's a place where newbies come and unburden themselves anonymously, only to receive dozens of derogatory responses peppered with actual advice and insight from people who are going through it or have been through it, and are legitimately offering support. I was taken aback by this when I first posted, but blamed myself for being so selfish as to get involved with a married man. I kept posting, but constantly prefacing my posts with, "I know this is wrong, but..." and eventually I tired of giving confession to what was largely a group of sharks waiting for bait. I'm only here now to read through posts and defend those who are being treated poorly from the sharks who are circling around them. Yes, I've found some amazingly strong and supportive people here, and I'm grateful for that. But if this board is a battlefield, everyone who tries to seek advice here will shy away (as they continually do), and eventually the only people who will be interested in posting are those that are looking for new prey. How is that constructive? And what's the point of having a forum for those involved in affairs? Carrie, what an awesome post, and even moreso, what an awesome person you are for checking in and defending newbies. The newbies really need experienced OP like us. Many who claim to be OW, rOW, and sometimes even fOW oftentimes really don't care; they just seem to care to bash. I bolded 'seem' because I want to make sure nobody can say I am pointing fingers at anyone personally. Happywithme, early on in my A, MM invited me to his house so I could see all of the new upgrades and some of his artwork and also the places he would call me from. I felt a little uneasy about it but I knew it would be for only a few minutes, then we would leave for lunch. Well, he seduced me and we ended up doing it in his office chair (which was a first for us both and amazingly hot) but no way in Hell was I going to do it in the marital bed. I even asked if the chair had been 'Christened' and since he said no I felt ok about doing it there. I later felt regret about doing it in their home, so refused any further invitations. But that's just me and I am not imposing any judgment on you for your choices. If you feel funny about sleeping in the marital bed, then say something and demand that your concerns are heard. If he doesn't care to accomodate you then don't shag him. Trust me, he doesn't want to lose a good thing and he will find another place to enjoy you. Kudos to you for insisting on a condom. Chances are he's done this before and you don't know where he's been. If you need more clarity on that subject PM me. I think it is only around $4 to get that privilege or you need to rack up about 50 posts. I would love to hear from you. Visiting MM's house in the end was helpful to me because I could see what his 'comfort zone' meant to him, what he would be losing if he left, and how tied up he was to all that. For that, I do not regret visiting his home. But I couldn't have slept with him there over and over like his previous OW. And when I say that, I don't judge you. I'm just suggesting that you follow your gut and do what is right for you. Make him listen! I've only read as far as this quote, so will finish the rest of the thread now. Be back soon! Edited August 5, 2011 by White Flower
Author happywithme Posted August 5, 2011 Author Posted August 5, 2011 PM? That is a message right? I have to post a bunch to get that option? I am getting a very uneasy feeling about the whole thing now that I'm finally talking about it. I started to talk about it once to a male friend of mine and his reaction was so strong that I havn't talked about it to others.
White Flower Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 The point is, the bed HAS become a big deal here, with the usual LS chorus of abusers spewing their venom over a non-issue while offering nothing on the actual issue. They aren't posting to be helpful in any way, they are just posting to be hateful. I doesn't help the OP, it doesn't help the person spewing the venom either, it doesn't help anyone. Excellent guess. I wonder why anyone needs to post at all then. Couldn't everyone just throw out their name, then everyone else can guess what their problem is and for what they need to be chastised and abused? Maybe... we could ask questions to find out things we don't know or are unsure of. Maybe... we can focus on what is important to the OP, rather than going off on some tangent based on what is important to us. Just a thought.Perfectly stated. PM? That is a message right? I have to post a bunch to get that option? I am getting a very uneasy feeling about the whole thing now that I'm finally talking about it. I started to talk about it once to a male friend of mine and his reaction was so strong that I havn't talked about it to others.Yes, a PM is a private message. There is so much I would like to say to you privately, but you won't have that privilege unless you pay for it or rack up 50 posts. Just drop in to a lot of threads and say, 'I hear ya!', lol, if you want to rack them up quickly. I'm so very glad that you are posting. You need many more aspects on this subject than just from your opinionated friend. Get some opinions from people who have been there, from people who both enjoy and regret their choices. You need the full spectrum, and you don't need the judges telling you what to do. There are many OP and fOP who can give you the straight up without judgment. Trust your gut most of all. Hugs, WF.
jthorne Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 Perfectly stated. Yes, a PM is a private message. There is so much I would like to say to you privately, but you won't have that privilege unless you pay for it or rack up 50 posts. Just drop in to a lot of threads and say, 'I hear ya!', lol, if you want to rack them up quickly. I'm so very glad that you are posting. You need many more aspects on this subject than just from your opinionated friend. Get some opinions from people who have been there, from people who both enjoy and regret their choices. You need the full spectrum, and you don't need the judges telling you what to do. There are many OP and fOP who can give you the straight up without judgment. Trust your gut most of all. Hugs, WF.Seems her gut is telling her this guy's a creep. You disagree? You may be accustomed to being treated with disrespect, but it appears that the OP here may not be. BTW, racking up posts just for the sake of racking them up can get a person banned. It's called spamming. Plus, pm's are awarded after 30 days AND 50 posts.
2sunny Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 if what you are doing is making you feel badly about yourself - then quit doing THAT. simply tell him you were hired for a job and you intend to DO only the job. or if he expects "extra services - he should be paying a couple extra hundred bucks!" sounds absurd- but, seriously - he'd be paying it every time to a professional, right? DO ONLY THE JOB - and also - I'D BE FINDING A NEW JOB! tell him NO... and stick to it. no need to be DOING things that make you question your own character!
yessy21 Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 Dude get off that womans bed! he has no respect for u in any way! u should have never let it go farther than work. ur mistake now make it right.
stillafool Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 Another thing to worry about by sleeping in someone's marital bed is you may get caught by the BS and you never know where someone's emotions are going to take them. You could get killed. No one ever thinks about that aspect of it when they decide to sleep with someone's spouse. To even think about coming to the couple's home and to have sex. I don't care if it is in the backyard that's wrong; but in their actual bed. Also if the BS knows you they will feel twice betrayed and that can push their emotions to an even higher level. It's really dangerous to have an affair but to go to the married couples home (to me) is damn near close to suicide.
carhill Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 Tony corrected me on the post/time thing (for PM's); it's 30 days and 100 posts. Alternatively, one can pay 2.50 and get a month of PM's (with a 250 vs 70 limit) immediately. First room which got remodeled after my exW and I D'd was the master bedroom. Time to make new memories in that sanctuary. It would be difficult for me to imagine entering someone else's private space like that, even if invited. So far I haven't been invited. Perhaps that's one difference between OM and OW. YMMV.
stillafool Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 Happytime you seem to really like your profession and I'm wondering if you live in a remote area where there are no more jobs doing what you do. Is this the case or are you old enough to move out of your parents home to a larger city that could offer you more options?
CFSLP2010 Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 HappyWithMe, we might be dating the same man. He constantly ask me to come to his home and I've refused every time. Mine lives out in a remote area as well, but that's no excuse to pollute his wife's safe haven. Yes, my lover is married but I do draw the line in some matters. HappyWithMe, does your MM live in Apple Valley California?
OWoman Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 In my H and his xW's case, there was no marital bed to defile, as he had his and she had hers, so that was never an issue for me... but MY bed was sacred! MMs were not allowed into my home, never mind my bedroom, a rule which I relaxed with my H only at the point where we'd committed to being together full-time after we'd fallen in love. But if it's no big deal to the OW, I wouldn't freak her out and say ew, don't go there.... Just as if an OW didn't want to go there, I wouldn't say, why not? It's cheaper than a hotel.... IMO, every OW or OM needs to be guided by their own values and principles, and if something feels wrong TO THEM, then they shoudn't do it, no matter how much pressure the MM or MW applies. Compromising your values and your authenticity leads to regret, shame and guilt - so why go there?
IfWishesWereHorses Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 Do you two have the same color/length of hair?
CFSLP2010 Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 HWM, Don't respond to a post like this. Remember as anonymous as this forum seems, it's not. Don't give out personal information on the forum, at all. Especially to a poster with one post and that's it. Who asked you? California is a huge state, so asking about a specific city doesn't matter. It's not like I asked for his freaking address.
CFSLP2010 Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 Considering you only have 10 more post than I do, you aren't qualified to give advice. I asked about a fricken county, not his street, color of his house, age.of his children, etc. So mind your own business. Hwt, my mm also has an obsession with wanting to have sex in my home. My marriage has been over for years but we have remained in the same home for convenience at this point. Still I would not allow mm in my home, because I feel I'm defiling the place he and my child considers to be safe.
SoleMate Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 These forums are supposed to be a safe place for people in specific situations to discuss their feelings and look for insight from others who are supposed to be supportive......sometimes....pointing out the painful truth of a bad situation, but .....never.......deriding the OP for asking for help. Agree totally. However, it is a distortion to say that the "how about MM and W in OW's bed?" comment equals derision. The comment is actually just a generic, "You did <x>. How would you like it if someone did <x> or <almost x> to you?" It isn't the most elevated form of rhetoric (this LS after all), and it does have a whiff of the playground, but it is a long way from derision. It is a valid comment that can challenge the OP to think about her actions, by challenging her to view them from another person's perspective. This exchange helps me see a bit more, that OW concerned about derision of OW sometimes have very low bars indeed, for what constitutes an attack or an insult. Here is an example that I hope will prove helpful. EXAMPLE OF DERISION (these are NOT my thoughts, it is a fabricated example that attempts to characterize the problem. This type of response should NEVER be used.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- OW: I am an OW and I have sex in my MM's marital bed. Poster 1: You are a home wrecking slut, you are pathetic, you are a rotten person, you are a fool, I despise people like you, I despise you. EXAMPLE OF VALID COMMENTARY (many of which could be worded or phrased better. In some cases, I am choosing borderline examples rather than best practice commentary) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- OW: I am an OW and I have sex in my MM's marital bed. Poster 2: How would you like it if W had sex in your bed? Poster 3: How would you like it you were married and your H had sex with someone else in your bed? Poster 4: How do you feel about what you're doing? Does it make you feel good to have sex in another woman's bed? Poster 5: It appears you have no self-respect. Poster 6: It appears you have no concern for the W's feelings. Poster 7: He is treating you like a fool.... Poster 8: ...and you are letting him. Poster 9: You should end this affair, before you get even more hurt. Poster 10: You should go NC. Poster 11: You are likely to get hurt. Poster 12: You are hurting yourself. Once again, I do NOT support derision, NOR am I holding up posters 2 through 12 as the best rhetorician or advice providers. But I hope it is clear to everyone that 2 - 12 are not derisive, and are valid commentary. So please, let's none of us find derision where it objectively is not written. DERISION. n. a : the use of ridicule or scorn to show contempt Synonyms: butt, laughingstock, jest, joke, mark, mock, mockery, sport, target
SoleMate Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 What if he only has sex with his AP on HIS side of the bed? That actually does strike me as borderline acceptable...in the totality of the circumstances and given the decisions that have already been made. As a practical matter, though, it would be hard to keep the OW from accidentally letting an arm or foot roll across the boundary.
Author happywithme Posted August 5, 2011 Author Posted August 5, 2011 Thank you again for the responses. Any advice on how to end it with him, and still get to work with him or is that not really possible? We did it once for a couple of weeks, and he seemed really fine with it and just happy to be friends and work together, but after the couple of weeks he got really aggressive about wanting me, missing me, etc.
carhill Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 IMO, better to ask for reassignment/change jobs/venues/whatever and go NC. IME, as an OM, it was easy to NC, since MW's either have other OM's pursuing them or they're back with H or they're essentially passive. Men, MM's, OTOH, are more aggressive generally and don't respect boundaries as well. This is part of what makes them attractive to women. I saw signs of that in myself while M. Healthier to disconnect and heal, IMO.
Author happywithme Posted August 5, 2011 Author Posted August 5, 2011 I really don't find this guy attractive. I guess maybe convenient and kind of extra interested but not attractive.
whichwayisup Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 I really don't find this guy attractive. I guess maybe convenient and kind of extra interested but not attractive. So why not just stop having sex with him and keep things professional? Sounds like you're not in love with him either. Why put yourself in this situation to begin with? You can say "No". Unless you're now afraid to? Might lose your (part time) job?
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