mavlast Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 I subscribe to an online dating site and found a girl there that's cute. However, just from her profile we seem different. I've sent her a message, and if she responds I'd definitely want to go on a date to see if she's someone I'd like to keep in contact with. But I know from the start that there's no relationship here -- she goes to school far away and I'm here for two more weeks. In this case and in general, how can you date someone just to have fun, and maybe even be romantic/physical, without plans for a relationship? I worry about leading someone on, and yet at the same time an explicit terms-and-conditions speech is definitely the wrong way to go.
Casablanca Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 Tell them what you are looking for and expecting. If you want to date casually, let them know that...then they know and can make an informed decision without being lead on
bluenightowl Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 I subscribe to an online dating site and found a girl there that's cute. However, just from her profile we seem different. I've sent her a message, and if she responds I'd definitely want to go on a date to see if she's someone I'd like to keep in contact with. But I know from the start that there's no relationship here -- she goes to school far away and I'm here for two more weeks. In this case and in general, how can you date someone just to have fun, and maybe even be romantic/physical, without plans for a relationship? I worry about leading someone on, and yet at the same time an explicit terms-and-conditions speech is definitely the wrong way to go. IMHO if you want FWB, which is what you seem to want.. the only way is to communicate that and hope she wants the same. If not, you are just using her. You seem afraid to say the above because you are afraid she will say no to that. That is the only fair way to date someone that way. If you have no empathy, just play her as players do, lie, pretend you are looking for something more.. but I wouldn't do that, and you never know how your own emotions might react. The good news is you are asking, so maybe you want to see if there is way to respect her and yourself.
make me believe Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 I worry about leading someone on, and yet at the same time an explicit terms-and-conditions speech is definitely the wrong way to go. Why is that the wrong way to go? If you don't want to lead her on, an upfront straight-forward conversation about your intentions is exactly what you need to do. Tell her you'd like to hang out & get to know her, but that you're not looking for a committed relationship. Simple & effective.
Author mavlast Posted August 4, 2011 Author Posted August 4, 2011 Please don't be so quick to condemn me. Contrary to popular belief, it's perfectly okay to want to enjoy someone's company without wanting to be committed, for whatever reason. If I didn't care about sensitivity I wouldn't have asked this question. I want to be open and honest. I said that an outright laying down of the law was a bad idea because perhaps it's better expressed indirectly. If I'm wrong, please correct me; I have an open mind.
snug.bunny Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 If you're not comfortable with "laying down the law", and saying that you're only interested in casually dating, you should avoid taking on the appearance of anything "relationship-y". Don't see each other often, don't keep in regular contact in between dates, don't call each other pet names, don't sleep over, keep your interactions light and flirty, talk mostly about sexy stuff with her (i.e. "what are you wearing sexy", "ooooh, I'd really love to see you wearing a short little skirt with sexy heels", "I keep thinking about your body and gets me so hot"). Those are signs that I would interpret, as "casual". If I were approached by a male and not interested, I simply say "I'm not interested in dating or a romantic relationship". For you, you approached her, and concluded prior that you are not interested in her beyond "casual", not open to a possible relationship, so you're going to have to lead into that.
Eddie Edirol Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 Dont bother. What will most likely happen, is you will tell her you only want an FWB and no relationship, but she will hang on hoping you will change your mind about that - and she'll never say so. Even if you told her over and over, she might still hope for a relationship and get attached to you. Then once you break it off, she will be extremely hurt. You cant control how another person feels just to keep you guilt free. Your best bet is to not bother at all.
Cypress25 Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 Is she looking for a relationship? (Most dating sites have an area of the profile where you can write what you're looking for, like dating, relationship, friends, etc.) If she is, then you shouldn't even contact her in the first place. Don't start anything with her if you know you want different things. If you want casual sex and she wants a relationship, there's no point even meeting her. You'll just end up hurting her.
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