Mr.P Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 Hi, I've been with my girlfriend now for just over a year, we have had some great times but both our personal circumstances have changed. I took a job which involves me moving away so I'm not home very often, or for very long when I am home. She knew before we got together that my aspirations where to get this job and we knew things may get tough. She turned out to be quite insecure, but I dealt with it as best I could and after a few months she became sick with a long term fatigue illness which in turn lead to depression and she is now on anti-depressants which I have been very supportive over. For the last 8 weeks whenever I have seen her she has been reduced to tears because I have taken this job and it's really getting to me now. Just last weekend I came home on Sat night for one day on Sunday to sort a lot of personal things out relating to the new job, she asked if she could come and see me (she lives 2hrs away) and I happily agreed. We went out for a few drinks and she asked if I could spend Sunday night at hers as she was scared of staying in her own house alone (an anxiety issue which tbh I don't understand), the night before going on holiday with her parents. I said I couldn't because I had so much to do and she in turn fobbed me off saying I don't care about her etc, suggesting that my job was more important than she was (a job that I absolutely love!), she'd do anything for me yet I won't even go and see her, telling and showing me she's been self harming and that I don't care etc. This carried on for a couple of hours until we got back to mine and she was in tears about spending Sunday night alone and I agreed to go simply because there was no way I was getting any sleep that night listening to her cry forever. I consider myself to be very patient but this broke me and I've realised I just can't handle this anymore. The things I came home to do didn't get done, and now I'm home again playing catch up with life whilst she's on holiday! I don't think neither of us can handle this LDR, but we both love each other and whilst she is in a bad mental state I don't think now is the right time, and I'd be scared of what she might do to herself if I called it off. I don't know what to do, I don't look forward to coming home from work anymore I didn't know where to post this, LDR / Breaking Up / Coping / Health, it's all rolled in to one.
DutchValhallaViking Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 (edited) Having been (currently on a break) in a LDR with a depressed young lady i know it can be really tough if you are unable to find a balance. First of all, you gotta remind yourself she isnt out to hurt you or being mean or selfish with the self harm and threats. It's usually desperation, they cling to something that gives them happiness and will fight tooth and nail and throw tantrums in order to keep that 'anchor' in their life from slipping away. Phobias and anxiety are hard to understand unless you have them yourself. My(ex)GF is practically unable to live anywhere but her parent's home, and it took her atleast 6 months to be able to meet me in real life (met on the internet) because of panic attacks at the thought of meeting me. Dont try to understand the anxiety/phobias. Just accept it's there and respect her feelings on the matter. If it's a crippling phobia, then she should be gently encouraged to get help for it for her own benefit. My girlfriend and i went on a break before 1,5 year ago, because she told me a little lie and felt like the worst human being on the planet. I was barely even angry at her over the lie and didnt give a wooden nickle about it a few days later. She couldnt trust herself being with me but was so terrified of losing me, she threatened with selfharm if i didnt accept being friends with her. I curbed that instantly by telling her i will be friends with her because i love her, and selfharm would not change anything either way so it was useless to threaten with it. That was the last time she used the "ill do X to myself if you leave me" thing. She stabelized a few weeks later and she felt deeply sorry about that incident. Take the specifics of what she says with a grain of salt. She has a mental illness. Of course, you should make it known to her that she's hurting you with her behaviour and regular theraphy should be sought out if it's endangering the relationship. No matter how ill someone else, it's not a free pass to make someone else feel guilty and crap. And the chance of self harm should NEVER be a reason to not break up if you feel you're not the right person at the right time for her. Or she not the one for you. If her family is understanding then perhaps you should tell them to keep an eye out on your GF and give them a head's up if you decide to break. It might sound like going behind her back, but for her own safety it would be important that her closest friends and/or family are in the know about the chance of her hurting herself. Dont let her take you hostage. But you got yourself in a bit of a pickle by going for a LDR while knowing you wanted a career that would be taxing and demanding. I hope i am reading your words wrong, but it sounded like you were suggesting (i'm exaggerating for effect here) "well she knew what she was getting into, so her complaining about it now makes no sense." Well that counts both ways. Just because you gave a warning that you were going for a job that took up huge amounts of time, doesnt mean it's no longer your responsibility. You entered that relationship just as eagerly as she did i am assuming. So my question is: how did you and her see the future with you taking the job and being in this LDR? Are/were there plans for her to move to you? Did you two actually talk about when/how/where you two would spend time together, so you both could make a good decision if a relationship was even feasable? Because "the things i came home to do" should definately include spending time and supporting your loved one. Making sure you do not neglect your job in favour of a relationship is a good thing if that's important to you. Personally i am very willing to give up any job to move to the person i love and want to share my life with. But that's my personal opinion, and i'm a naive romantic fool. ...who is really missing his ex-GF, dispite her flaws and the difficulty. Last thing: Remember that circumstances can change, illnesses can be cured, but regret is forever. *sighs* i wish i could convince my ex-GF of that. Good luck, i hope you two work it out and find happiness. Edited August 4, 2011 by DutchValhallaViking
Recommended Posts