Lovelybird Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 I have read her threads. But I also believe in giving people room to grow and improve. Maybe she has learned something from her recent relationship. I think what she says here is reasonable. My last boyfriend called me right away, and then called me every single day for the rest of our relationship. He even prided himself on the fact that he called every day, and told me it revealed a lot that every day, he wanted to call. Did you break up with him?
iris219 Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 Have you read her threads? She needs to be receive nearly CONSTANT communication (one-sided, from the guy) in order to believe he's sufficiently interested. I still can't imagine she means aggressive, constant contact from a virtual stranger. Who could want that? That's stalker behavior. Maybe I'm naive.
Nexus One Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 In her last relationship, she required extremely high levels of contact that everyone agreed not one man on earth could keep up with - even yours. It doesn't sound to me that that expectation/requirement has changed... Because In her OP she says "nothing is hotter than calling the next day" and AGGRESSIVE PURSUIT is hot. It's possible that when ES mentioned "agressive pursuit", she really meant that she wants the guy to actively chase her without playing games. In my opinion aggressive pursuit would be that a guy keeps pursuing even after the woman has indicated to have no interest or that he pursuits in an inappropriate way. I don't think that calling the next day is necessarily inappropriate. A lot of people see it as an unspoken rule to call after x amount of days, but let's face it, hardly anyone actually knows why they follow that rule. It's a game, a waiting game.
Lovelybird Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 I still can't imagine she means aggressive, constant contact from a virtual stranger. Who could want that? That's stalker behavior. Maybe I'm naive. Actually my friend's husband called her each day when they were dating, each time two hours talk! they have very good marriage
Kamille Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 I never really understood why it matters when a guy calls for the first time. I tended to have a few crushes when I was single and I was just always happy to hear from one of them, whenever that was. For me, "interest levels" don't really matter until after the first date (and even the second date). Before I have a date with someone, I myself don't really know if they're worth my time and energy.
Star Gazer Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 I still can't imagine she means aggressive, constant contact from a virtual stranger. Who could want that? That's stalker behavior. Maybe I'm naive. Who would want that? The OP. I am basing my interpretation of the OP's use of the word "aggressive" on 5 years of her threads and what she's expressed in terms of what she needs from a guy in order to feel that he is sufficiently interested. Keep in mind that in the OP, she said that if he waits even a few days, her interest level drops. I believe most women, if truly interested in a man, would not be turned off or lose interest if he waited a few days, or didn't have daily contact between dates. *shrug* I guess this is a perfect example that different women really do like/dislike different things.
Star Gazer Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 I never really understood why it matters when a guy calls for the first time. I tended to have a few crushes when I was single and I was just always happy to hear from one of them, whenever that was. For me, "interest levels" don't really matter until after the first date (and even the second date). Before I have a date with someone, I myself don't really know if they're worth my time and energy. Agreed. My interest level is not affected by whether he calls the next day or a few days later, or in between dates. If I'm into him, the "when" won't matter... I'll just be excited to hear from him.
Nexus One Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 (edited) I believe most women, if truly interested in a man, would not be turned off or lose interest if he waited a few days, or didn't have daily contact between dates. Fair enough, I agree with that. Still doesn't have to mean a guy should have to play the waiting game though. EDIT: Agreed. My interest level is not affected by whether he calls the next day or a few days later, or in between dates. If I'm into him, the "when" won't matter... I'll just be excited to hear from him. Read that after I posted this reply. I thought one of your points was that it would be more appropriate and less agressive if a guy waited a few days. Hence my reply(s). Edited August 4, 2011 by Nexus One
carhill Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 In the past, I pretty much contacted (mostly called, since text and e-mail barely existed) when I felt like it. Positive and enthusiastic response, whether contemporaneous or retuning a VM, encouraged further contact. If I sensed a lack, I moved on without comment. That was one lesson years of rejection taught; don't drill dry holes.
Mr. Slim Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 I constantly hear misguided advice to men on "playing hard to get", don't call too soon, have low contact between dates etc etc etc. I can tell you from a female prospective that all it does is lower my interest level. Say I meet a guy on Saturday night and he gets my number. There is nothing hotter than him calling the next day to set up a date. If he waits even a few days, my interest is already fading. Even if I agree to go out on a date then, he has got a negative point in my mind. Aggressive pursuit of the girl you are interested in is HOT and will only increase interest level. Waiting and waffling is NOT. Thanks for the tip, but I'm still rolling with my patented low contact style... it works well for me. I do try to set the date up as fast as possible though, and give them a few days lead time. That part I agree with.
sagetalk Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 Do you realize there are women that do not like guys that are too persistent? Yeah, the really-really hot ones that can get nearly any guy on the planet. It sucks, I wish they preferred to be chased persistently. If they did, they would probably all be married by 18 though.
torn_curtain Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 (edited) For me there is an ideal somewhere between lukewarm interest and aggressive pursuit but it's a lot closer to aggressive pursuit. I don't mean that I want a guy knocking down my door the first day after I meet him but it does increase my interest when a guy asks me on a date immediately after getting my number and then stays in some form of contact most days after the first date--could be just a couple of texts. After we're official I expect some form of daily contact unless otherwise specified. If a guy is spotty with his communication I assume he is either flakey, playing games, insecure, constantly distracted, has problems with intimacy or not that into me...in all cases my interest drops. I like a guy who knows what he wants and goes for it. Edited August 4, 2011 by torn_curtain
torn_curtain Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 Pierre-- You're totally off. Women only don't like a guy who is persistent when they're not into him. If a women is it all into a guy displays of genuine interest from him will only increase her interest unless she has some serious hang ups.
sagetalk Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 I like a guy who knows what he wants and goes for it. Do you really think a few dates is enough time to know if he wants to pursue you heavily or not? That's some tough standards. Men who make their minds up that fast tend to be the real flakes, or just want sex.
Lovelybird Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 Even God doesn't like lukewarm believers He said he will spit them out because of their lukewarmness, either cold or hot. If you choose, won't you choose a passionate lover who is crazy about you?
torn_curtain Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 Do you really think a few dates is enough time to know if he wants to pursue you heavily or not? A few dates may not be enough to know if he wants a full fledged relationship with a girl, but it should be enough for him to know if he's really interested in pursuing her. A guy who was ambivalent after that amount of time with anyone would strike me as wishy washy.
krz12 Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 Everything posted here, and not just in this thread, strongly hints at the fact that's its better to err on the 'too little' side than 'too much'. And if you're not that experienced in relationships, well, you won't know where that line is. But you can keep the above in mind.
thatone Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 Everything posted here, and not just in this thread, strongly hints at the fact that's its better to err on the 'too little' side than 'too much'. And if you're not that experienced in relationships, well, you won't know where that line is. But you can keep the above in mind. not necessarily. the OP might not be the best example but she wants a phone call every day, which is not too much to ask, really. others don't. you have to observe what he/she is telling you and plan your actions accordingly.
nothappyjan Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 I totally agree with the OP i definetly lose interest in a guy who doesnt contact me often. In a relationship I expect daily contact and if I don't get it I assume they are not that into me and start to emotionally withdraw. Ongoing contact also makes me feel more connected to the guy as well. I have stopped talking to a lot of guys because they were sporadic in contact and in the mean time I met someone who was more stable in their contact.
YeahDotDotDot Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 People are different and require different rules of engagement. Add adult responsibilities and get a different vibe too. If a guy is constantly contacting me and he doesn't know much about me, I am turned off. If he demonstrates that he understands who I am and he is smitten, I can dig it. Yet, I am an introvert and no matter who you are, I require more alone time than the average person.
carhill Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 ES is talking about someone one has just met, not a committed monogamous intimate relationship. I had to go back and read the OP to be sure My prior answer was premised on her OP. In LTR's and when I was M, of course I stayed in consistent proactive contact, even when out of the country. I thought that was common sense when one loves someone at that level.
YeahDotDotDot Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 not necessarily. the OP might not be the best example but she wants a phone call every day, which is not too much to ask, really. others don't. you have to observe what he/she is telling you and plan your actions accordingly. Whether the guy is really interested or not, it could not hurt to make him aware of your thoughts and perhaps he would pursue you the way you'd like to be pursued. This would only work if he were hesitant, thinking you would run in the opposite direction if he came on too strong.
thatone Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 Whether the guy is really interested or not, it could not hurt to make him aware of your thoughts and perhaps he would pursue you the way you'd like to be pursued. This would only work if he were hesitant, thinking you would run in the opposite direction if he came on too strong. i agree with you entirely, but i'm a man not a woman . and yes, that was one of the first things that attracted me to the woman i'm with now. she says what she thinks, and we could honestly discuss those issues about what we expected of each other as early as the end of the second date, with no drama or BS.
Star Gazer Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 Fair enough, I agree with that. Still doesn't have to mean a guy should have to play the waiting game though. Oh, I agree that a guy shouldn't have to play the waiting game. What I am challenging is the OP's premise, that a guy should have to call the next day after getting a girl's number and/or maintain daily contact between dates or else he will lose her interest. (During the dating phase.) ES is talking about someone one has just met, not a committed monogamous intimate relationship. I had to go back and read the OP to be sure My prior answer was premised on her OP. In LTR's and when I was M, of course I stayed in consistent proactive contact, even when out of the country. I thought that was common sense when one loves someone at that level. Correct. The OP was about the very initial stages of dating. IMO, it is the OP's advice in the OP that is "misguided." The OP requires a ton of communication from the very beginning of dating, and loses interest if that requirement is not met. That requirement is highly unusual, IMO, and should not be taken as gospel about what all women want.
sm1tten Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 All I can say is that it has been my experience that the guys who pursued me the hardest in the beginning tended to be inconsistent in the middle and end. The only men that I give my number to are men that I have a high level of interest in and that's not going to fade if he waits a few days to call. There are usually plenty of other cooling agents at play!
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