nini Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 I thought I was doing a little bit better...but feeling quite restless again today with these thoughts: - Where did my amazing boyfriend/relationship that was so innocent and perfect go? - Why did it end like that - so abruptly, so harshly? - At the end, he kept saying how this relationship was a misery in his life,and how the 4 years with me were so bad...it really hurts that he thinks like that about what I thought was our beautiful past? Will he always see my presence in his life as a regret? That hurts! -Wishing that NC works and he realises that the past 2 months were a ridiculous phase in our lives and we are better than that. (I know the chances of this happening are close to NIL). - Scared that I'll never love anyone so much again - Scared that no one will love me so much again - Scared that I'll be alone forever, that I'll never get all the things I wanted - love, marriage, family, kids etc - Regretful over how I cried, begged and pleaded towards the end for just one more chance... - Angry that he wouldnt give me the one chance, angry that he walked away like I meant nothing, like I was a mistake.. Just thought best to come here and write, rather than texting/emailing him I hope this feelings passes soon...The anger I have been feeling is fading and now I'm just missing him/our past, I wish the anger would come back...
antinko Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 Hang on in there. For what it's worth, I'm experiencing similar thoughts right now. I'm not going to give in so you're not allowed to either! Try and keep yourself occupied.
aussie_bloke Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 I agree, keep your chin up. I'm feeling andthinking the exact things you mentioned at the moment, only about my ex gf. I don't have any advice how to stop thinking about it but I can say you are not alone
Mack05 Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 (edited) Nini, What you are feeling is perfectly normal pet. When a relationship ends the wounds can be very tender, very raw. He has known for awhile now the relationship is over. The more you tried to save it, the more you pushed him away. Nin, I did what you did so I am not being critical. The more she wanted out, the more I tried to cling on. She was my source of happiness and I wasn't leaving go without a fight. I made a total idiot of myself. Loads of calls, texts, emails. I broke a promise to my mother and sister to never contact her again. I tried everything, begging, manipulating (I didn't even know I had it in me!!), pleading. I was where you are now. Struggling to cope with what happened, trying to make sense of it all. The exact same questions. Where had that cuddly affectionate girl, that said I was "the love of her life" gone?Would I meet someone like her again (we had a great first 3 months)? It took me to break that promise and to hear my mother crying on mothers day to give me the reality check I so badly needed. We have spoke about Therapy, so I don't need to mention that again. Grieving in the right way, time and distance has given me a whole new prespective on things. My ex was NEVER the source of my happiness. That comes from within, not from someone else. A love based on need, is not real love. Trust me in time, you will also get a new prespective. I have read your posts Nin and your relatioship was nowhere near what a loving, healthy, nourishing relationship should be. U deserve so much better then what he was willing to give you. Right now you have two things debilitating you. That's fear of facing the world without him and low self esteem. The fear goes slowly but surely. Rebuilding low self esteem takes longer. Your counsellor will help you with that. What I did was get back in shape. Threw my heart and soul into getting fit. Also, I forgave myself for all my past mistakes. When I notice myself getting negative, I would stop being self critical and focus on positive stuff. Slowly but surely I started to love myself again. Try as well to work on your relationships with family and friends. Put in the extra effort. If you have time volunteer. Someone special in my life right now volunteers and she has made me start to look seriously into it. She goes and visits old people in a hospice that get no visitors. Doing something like that will a) make you feel really good about yourself to be so kind and b) give you a reality check as to what real problems in life are. Nin your relationship was like my last relationship. It's like two pieces in a jigsaw and you are trying to force them together. The more you force, the more you realise it will never fit. You will love like this again, even more. But you have to, HAVE TO get your personal issues resolved. Eventually you will meet someone you don't want to change and he won't want to change you. You will connect on EVERY single level. You will realise then just how bad your last relationship was because in this relationship the pieces of the jigsaw will just fit..Years down the line you will both realise you were not right together, but you will always have fond memories of the other. He was your first love and right now you are romanticizing about the good times and the good person he WAS. You are not focusing at the overall relationship objectively. Those are the toughest relationships to move on from, first loves. But you will move on Nin and you will find that special love you crave, that we all crave. While you wait for that, you have to put the work in on yourself now..U have come so far. If it's any consolation I am soooooooooooooo proud of you. U going to make it. This is just another bump along the way..U know where I am if you need me Nin. Edited August 4, 2011 by Mack05
geegirl Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 It's normal to feel this way, Nini. Especially when you were in a relationship that was volatile. You leave without closure. You're riddled with questions and wanting answers. The good thing is you have the self control to come here and post instead of seeking from a source that will only hurt you and cause you more confusion and anxiety. Good for you! It's a stage in your healing process. - Where did my amazing boyfriend/relationship that was so innocent and perfect go? People change and the dynamics of a relationship that once was has the potential to change Nini. Nothing stays forever. Unfortunately, the R was not working for one party, and they leave. - Why did it end like that - so abruptly, so harshly? Endings are never perfect. While it's hard to deal with it ending in the first place, people will react based on their emotions and how they feel at the time. It's riddled with a host of uncomfortable emotions and while we would all like it to amicably end, most times due to intensity of everything happening, people don't behave in the best of ways. - At the end, he kept saying how this relationship was a misery in his life,and how the 4 years with me were so bad...it really hurts that he thinks like that about what I thought was our beautiful past? Will he always see my presence in his life as a regret? That hurts! That is hurtful. Sometimes when someone is riddled with guilt and anger, they will lash out and justify their actions in order to alleviate their bad feelings. I don't believe for one minute that someone spends 4 years of their life in utter misery. And as I said before that an ending can lead to people reacting in very hurtful ways towards the other. Take consolation that if he truly meant it, you dodged a bullet by not investing any more years of your life in this man. I don't believe after spending 4 years with you, he will view you with regret. He will remember the good times once it all subsides. I had a bad marriage and when we divorced, all I kept thinking was how awful it was. But now, I still do remember him with a fondness because even with the bad, we still had the good times. And that happens when all the bad feelings have gone. -Wishing that NC works and he realises that the past 2 months were a ridiculous phase in our lives and we are better than that. (I know the chances of this happening are close to NIL). It's normal to hope for NC to change their minds. But most times, when he decides to come back, you'll be so far long in the process of finding indifference that you may view him differently. - Scared that I'll never love anyone so much again You will. I promise. Come look for me when you do! - Scared that no one will love me so much again Someone will. I promise. Come look for me when you do! - Scared that I'll be alone forever, that I'll never get all the things I wanted - love, marriage, family, kids etc You will. Life doesn't end with one man. Don't limit yourself. This may seem like the end but it's just a beginning. You're entering into another stage of your life. - Regretful over how I cried, begged and pleaded towards the end for just one more chance... Don't beat yourself up about that. It was you fighting for a person you love. You were reacting out of desperation and the reality of a loss. In time when you are at a stage of indifference, this won't matter to you anymore. - Angry that he wouldnt give me the one chance, angry that he walked away like I meant nothing, like I was a mistake.. I completely understand. I felt the same way too. But it's their choice and we can't hold it against someone who values the R and us differently. He couldn't give you a chance because he didn't have it in him to give. If he did, he would be giving out of guilt and that would have been bad for you in the long run. You meant something, of course. But not enough for him to want to continue his commitment with you. You weren't a mistake. It just stopped working out for him. These feelings will come and go as you go through the process of healing. Up and down. Just don't react as it will always, always pass. Another promise!
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