Bubby Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 I find myself in a marriage that has suddenly ended. Not of my doing. My husband came home a few weeks ago and told he did not love me anymore. There was no indication that I saw. How do I deal with this ? I keep crying and it's only just becoming real to me what has happened. Anyone got any ideas of how I can help myself get through this ?
dreamscape123 Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 How old are you guys? , How long were you married / together for? How was the marriage going in your opinion? Bit more info required... Sorry to hear about your news though....
Author Bubby Posted August 5, 2011 Author Posted August 5, 2011 I feel so silly writing this like I am twenty years old again. I am fifty in September and my husband in 39 in december. We will be married 4 years in november and have been together eight years. The marriage has been in trouble for awhile. I didn't think it was that bad. Two months ago I had to leave my job and i went through a deep depression after it. But I have now come out of this and feel better than I have in years. Suddenly my marriage is over. Probably good this did not happen two months ago. I think it would have taken me along time to come back. He doesn't even want me to touch him and it's almost as if over night my loving affectionate huband has been taken over by this cold and distant man. he's decided that we are now separated and he can go out and look for another woman. I have supported him through thick and thin and I take my wedding vows seriously. I went through this with him 2 years and it was like jekyll and hyde. I waited for him to come out of it and he did. We had sucvh a fantastic year last year. We had our share of fights bot otherwise we were so close.
Zaphod B Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 Don't feel silly. A broken heart is a broken heart and it doesn't matter what age you are, it still hurts just as much. You've come to the right place, because this place is full of people who have suffered the end of a marriage, myself included. The hardest part for me was knowing I wouldn't see my kids every day. As for the marriage, our split had been a long time coming. But I feel for you and wish I had something to say to make you feel better. I hope there will be others here who will be able to give you some good advice.
Pelican Paw Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 Bubby, sorry to hear about your breakup. Just know that no matter how you are feeling right now or in the few months to come, you WILL BE OK, you will carve a new path for yourself - and the best thing is that path can be anything you want it to be, you don't have to think about and consider him anymore - it's now all about you - right now that's probably not where you are at - but it will come. Amongst the pain, heartache and sadness, there is an freedom too, look out for those little twinkly times where you can appreciate that. Try to do new stuff - at first you will feel distracted so don't worry if you only manage to stick to something for a few minutes at a time. Also, rely and lean on your friends/others to talk to. Don't think too much about whether you are burdoning them with how you are feeling - this time is for you to heal. Acknowledge that you have been hurt by someone you cared for and you are entitled to a pity party now and ago - just don't get yourself into a rutt where you are always miserable. See yourself as healing, as getting better - acknowledge the days you are feeling stronger and be kind to yourself on the days when you are not.
Author Bubby Posted August 11, 2011 Author Posted August 11, 2011 Pelican Paw, what you wrote has really helped. There have been times when I have been able to find the twinkling times and I have been looking out for myself. I'm still having my down times and it is definitely a reality check when I know my husband is being set up for a date already on friday night brings home the reality that it is over. In my head I am glad it is over but emotionally it is so hard to admit and will take time. I feel it too when it is as if he doesn't care or appreciate the years that we had together and is willing to move on so quickly. Its funny you know. I lived for years on my own and now after all these years of living with him I suddenly find that I am lonely when he is not in the house. Very early days and I must admit that it is better than it was three weeks ago. I'm very much trying to take one day at a time and to do what it says in the first verse of the serenity prayer.
agingboomer Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 Bubby, I am sorry that you ran into the relationship "Twilight Zone ". You know where the person who was so sweet and kind is an indifferent stranger? I'm there too...only I've been through it for the third (and last ) time with an obviously sick woman. But as I don't want to make this about me...take SOME comfort in knowing that you and I are in the same "shocked " and hurt place concurrently. I am in my late 50's and I have had some AWFUL endings of relationships. They all seem to end with me being on the recieving end of betrayal, dishonesty, etc. I am sorry for you for what you feel but I KNOW that you're going to survive this as I will too. That's the beauty of support groups...whether online or in the physical world...people will always help you. One piece of advice I may offer to you is this...Remember before him ? Do you remember there was a happier YOU before him ? Well that person still exists within you and will emerge again. There was life BEFORE this insanity and there will be life AFTER it as well. And take some comfort in knowing that you will ALWAYS have support as long as you reach out. BETTER TIMES AHEAD...LET TIME BE YOUR ALLY.
Author Bubby Posted August 11, 2011 Author Posted August 11, 2011 aginboomer, thank you for your post. Do you know after I read about what you said about before the MARRIAGE what was I like ? That was really good. I sat down and wrote out a list of things I used to do. I was stunned. I stopped so many things during the marriage because slowly but surely I made myself give these up in favour of what he was doing. And yes I am still in shock about the break up. And the coldness. Do you know it is beyond me about how cold he is and how has now quickly he is ready to move on and is looking to start a new relationship. Its like our marriage and all the years we have been together have been packaged up into a box and put away into the attic to collect dust and grime. It really makes me glad that I can feel and want to let myself go through this because it now means that I will be able to move on despite the desparate heartache I feel at times. So I thank you for your words and they mean alot to me.
Calisha Brown Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 Well this is sad news. I think you should talk to your husband that why he wants to broke this. I think married some one is life time partner.
KathyM Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 I think it's really hard to make a marriage work where there is a big age difference between the partners. Especially with a much younger man. I think the depression that you experienced also took it's toll on his marital satisfaction level, and both things contributed to his wanting out. None of those are your fault, of course. He is supposed to stick with his wife through sickness and in health. He took on a much older woman than himself with his eyes wide open. No excuse for him to leave, but I venture to say those two things are what caused him to leave. I'm sorry that you are going through this.
Author Bubby Posted August 11, 2011 Author Posted August 11, 2011 Despite my marriage breaking up there is one thing after reading the last post is that I know that I have done my all to keep my marriage going. Blaming my age and depression is a cop out for anyone to think that. I have talked to my husband about this and he has been unable or unwilling to try and understand what has happened between us. All I know is that he has told me that he does not love me anymore and does not even find me remotely attractive. This happened suddenly for me because until 3 weeks ago we were still laughing and happy and having sex. I have had to look at my part in my marriage but one thing that I have learnt is that I am not to blame or responsible for my husband's decisions. I have played my part and I have been through thick and thin for him with his health problems. Thank God I am the age I am.
agingboomer Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 The thing that drives ME crazy is that in all relationships there is always SOME kind of an imbalance as to the emotional investment of both persons. In other words, one party will always be slightly less interested than his or her partner. I would say that a normal fluctuation from a 50 -50 balance is probably a fluctuation of 10-20 percent or so. HOWEVER, when there is one person who is 90-100 percent involved and the other is less than 10 percent or even totally indifferent to the value of the relationship...this creates a HUGE wedge and stonewalling, lying, defensiveness, or worse may occur. It is at THIS time that the relationship is DOOMED for an ugly one sided ending. It's now not a level playing field. It's cruel and unfair but it happens...and I have been on the weak side way too often. I always say ...it takes TWO people to make a relationship work but it takes only ONE person to f*** it all up "!!! And only time,support,therapy, and disconnection will help the lone "caring": individual to heal and make some new and EQUAL connections.
Author Bubby Posted August 12, 2011 Author Posted August 12, 2011 aginboomer, I just love reading your posts. it helps so much to know that there are people who go through things that I do. what I love about this site is I can talk about everything which none of us would do in normal day to day life. In retrospect I am glad that I have loved as much as I have in this marriage. I realise that I got lost in it and forgot about me. So now I am going to make sure I do little things to make myself learen to focus on me. I hope everyone reading this has a lovely day.
Author Bubby Posted August 13, 2011 Author Posted August 13, 2011 How is this for you KathyM. My husband has just hooked up with another woman from his work. She is 47 yrs old. So please there is something going on here.You cannot blame another person for another person's decision. Another thing when I got home yesterday I was devastated that he wasn't here but I have also decided that it is time for me to move on. I think I reached the end of the emotional spin out yesterday. I'm not saying that I won't have anymore off days. I know that I will but I'm hoping that it won't be as devastating as it was. I'm so glad of this site. It has been so good for me to be able to have a place to ventilate. It has helped me keep my normal daily life going and know that I will be able to have somewhere to talk about my heartbreak and difficuties I am going through.
agingboomer Posted August 13, 2011 Posted August 13, 2011 Dear Bubby, IN times of grief, sadness, stress, and emotional difficulties, I often like to look for SOME comfort by examining the experiences of my fellow human beings. This is why support forums like this site are so popular and attractive . William Shakespeare wrote, "The course of true love never did run smooth " from "A Midsummer Night's Dream". And here is one from the TV show "Two and a Half Men" ..."My failed marriage is like a dead dog. But it serves as fertilizer for the shrub, which represents my new life. So if I try to revitalize the marriage, you know, digging up the dog, then I'm killing the shrub, which is me". IMHO, Failed love has been happening to people since the dawn of mankind. This is wayyyyy before marriage/relationship counselors and pop psychology was ever examined. I think that all relationships are doomed from the beginning and suffer from entropy. No matter HOW much effort is put in them, they will eventually end for SOME reason. Even in the BEST of relationships people will love each other until one person dies and then the survivor has to carry on and often will find new relationships to fill in voids and fullfill wants and needs. Sure I can sit here and "rationalize" away our deepest feelings and fears...BUT the fact remains that we are ALL born alone in this existance and we die alone. Along the way on our journey of this enigmatic "life experience " we will encounter many influences to guide us. There has NEVER been a handbook for LIVING. We kind of have to learn as we go and pass our experiences to others. There is no greater feeling than to feel "connected" with others. Whether it's a romantic partner, a relative, or a pet, we humans have a need to SHARE life as social beings. If we can develop a healthy relationship within OURSELVES (loving ourselves) first and foremost , than we will NEVER let others define who we are or allow them to validate our worthiness. There's another comforting saying that "As one door closes another one opens ". Think of how many wonderful NEW relationship possibilities we will be available to have once our "unhealthy or unbalanced "relationship ends. Sure we get sentimental and sad because someone we so deeply loved and trusted... hammered us down with their deceit , lies , coldness, etc. etc. But ya know what ? After the initial shock and hurt starts to dissipate, there will be newer and HEALTHIER situations ahead. ALWAYS REMEMBER THIS...as far as ended relationships go... "Feeling alone in a BAD relationship is a thousand times worse than being alone OUTSIDE of it. We should all be THANKFUL that our emotional "jailers have given us the keys to get the F**K out". (my OWN quote). I hope I've helped a little....and I will be here daily to check up on you and others in need.
Author Bubby Posted August 14, 2011 Author Posted August 14, 2011 My husband went out today with our dog and in our car. He had his woman in my car. At 1st I was devastated. I then stsarted cleaning up our past. I was still upset and crying and begging God to bring him home to me. But then something happened. I am now laughing. This man is home with me now and watching a dvd as if we were back in our marriage. I was extremely angry but I am tired of being upset so I am happy now for her to have him because I have less heart ache and irritation. I am going to keep smiling and fake it till I make it. I love this quote below. Found it on this site from someone else. So I thank that soemone else. [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] ~~ One day someone will walk into your lifeand make you see why it never worked out with anyone else.. ~~ [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT]
Author Bubby Posted August 14, 2011 Author Posted August 14, 2011 Can you believe this ? As from previous entries I have stated that my husband has separated from me and now has a new woman. At present we still live together. His NW sent him a message on his mobile phone and he looked at me and asked me if I sent him a message. I said no and asked was it from her. He had read it and given a little smile. I got up and decided to go to the garage as i was really angry. As I was leaving he said to me are you getting angry because of that. He has just ripped out my heart, thrown away eight years together and almost four years of marriage. I was stunned. Down right stunned that he would think that I am ok with this current situation. Bizarre. I am also finding out tomorrow if I get a new job or both as I applied for two. Yesterday he said to me that as he knew me he could see me working five or six days a week. I receive extra shift allowances for working weekends, nights and evenings. He then went onto say that I was only thinking about these allowances. He said I should just work day shift monday to friday. Now the penny has dropped with me as I was thinking about my apps for the jobs until this evening. BINGO ! Yes I woke up. He wanted to have his free time on the weekend with his NW and beable to stay over through the week. I just find the whole situation bizarre because when we got together we spent all our spare time together. they hardly spend anytime together. We just loved being with each other. The idea is for me to sit at home and allow him to have his evenings and weekends free. We were sitting in the loungeroom this evening when he said do you want to come for a walk with the dog. We got the dog just before new year and she is ten months old today and the apple of my eye along with my 3 cats. I said ok as I was restless. We went for the walk and he went and hired a dvd. As we were about to leave I turned to him and gave him the dog's lead and told him I was going for a walk. Which I did at full pelt for about 45 minutes. My head was cleared and I had worked through alot of stuff reinforcing changes I need to make. When I walked into the house he asked me if I was alright. I said I was. He asked me why I didn't take the dog with me. I said I needed to walk on my own. He then complained in a little boy's voice did I need to walk away from him. And my answer was I needed to walk as far away from him as I could and I wanted to keep going. The first bit happened and I then went out to the garage and printed some info off for a course I starting to study. He later came out and asked me if I was alright and thought I would have watched the dvd with him. I said I was fine thank you and had work to print off. What does this man want ? He tells me he is not in love with me, I am fat, and calls me the old grey mare and then suddenly turns around and wonders what is wrong when I stop acting the way I always have. This is some sick puppy I married. Well, I'm not telling him what I am doing but it is called moving on. Before I started typing this I realised that I am single and I don't have to please him anymore. I am hoping that I get shifts on the weekend and get the extra money quickly so that I can save up and find somewhere new for me and the animals to live. But I will beable to afford the rent and he can go. He wants to keep me around just in case. Is this what happens in midlife crisis to men ? If it is you know what she is welcome to him and she can have the temper tantrums and the arguments. As I said to him once I would rather have me in my corner than not. I also told him that once I start the process of removing him from my life then I will make sure that chapter of my life is closed. i am so ready to move on. I had forgotten how good walking feels. I have my alarm set for the early morning to go for another walk when it is dark and quiet. I feel like I am finding out more and more the things I used to do that I have given away. I hope and keep my fingers crossed that I get the jobs. And yes I hope I get the night shifts and on the weekends ! Ps I'm really really secretly hoping I will !
stillafool Posted August 14, 2011 Posted August 14, 2011 Bubby, good for you that you are walking again and enjoying it. It will certainly ease your stress, improve your health and weight, and like you said before clear your head. Keep it up girl and your body will be back in shape in no time. Your husband feels secure as long as he has you at home pinning and wringing out your hands wondering if he is going to stay, all while having his NW across town. Good for you that you will go to work, make your own money, meet new people. You are also going to become more attractive in your husband's eyes now that you are taking back your life. Don't be surprised if he gets a change of heart about leaving you once he see's that you don't care what he does anymore.
Author Bubby Posted August 16, 2011 Author Posted August 16, 2011 (edited) I had a heart to heart with my husband yesterday. He told me that he had stopped loving me 18 months before he ended our relationship. He said that he had kept going with me because I was so unwell at the time and he thought that my job was at such a high risk he did not want to end our marriage until he felt like I was well enough to deal with the break up. I'm so confused about this. He said that he had told me that we were in trouble but I did not hear what he was saying. He said I was so unwell that I could have ended up losing my qualifications. Has anyone ever done this stayed with someone because of their health ? He told me that he feels like I am his sister now. He said that I reminded him of his step father and his brother who he cannot stand. I don't understand this. I have been doing an online course and he wanted to help me until he realised that there was a speaking component to this as well. Then he backed off. He said I do not comprehend info when reading it. I have to hear it said first. I'm still confused because I told him that I loved him and wanted to fight for him. He told me that we could not have sex because he did not want to be unfaithful to his NW. Can someone please explain my confusion to me ? I am way behind on the 8 ball with this one. We are married ! Why would he keep up with the sex and treating our finances as if we were married still until he broke us up ? Even if he had stayed for me wouldn't he have slowly pulled away with his money and started to slowly pull away doing things with me ? Wouldn't he have not help me spend my pay out from my last job and not buought himself a motor bike with it and not get our car fixed and not bought a new surround sound system and flat screen tv ? His answer to these last two items is that he thought we still needed these. I know I can get unwell with depression. I also asked if he thought I needed to get more extensive help than I already had done. He said no but do you know I had the feeling that he thinks I am crazy and because I remind him of his stepfather that I am an extremely nasty person. Apparently I pushed his buttons for many years. Why stay with me for 8 years no matter my state of mind ? We broke up several times but we came back together for whatever reason. I thought I was in love with him. I'm obviously on the wrong track and I am the cause of the marriage breakdown. If I were such a nasty person to be around and we were so destructive together WHY stay with me so long and want to remain frinds with me after he broke us up ? He has also wanted me to not work on the weekends so he can have his stay over with his NW. I am starting a new job and I don't know what nights I will work. He threw at me that I did not want him to succeed at his new relationship. Ah, hello, we are still married Does anyone get this or am I an idiot ? Please put me right and let me know the truth about what you think. Isn't it a case of like attracts like ? Or is it a case of I can manipulate you as my puppet and keep you on a string ? He told me that his NW gets him and understands him. Amazing I'm the longest relationship he ever had and obviously the worst/ Is that incongruent ? Please someone give me some understanding before my brain is fried with confusion. :confused::confused: Edited August 16, 2011 by Bubby
danceallday Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 I feel so silly writing this like I am twenty years old again. I am fifty in September and my husband in 39 in december. We will be married 4 years in november and have been together eight years. The marriage has been in trouble for awhile. I didn't think it was that bad. Two months ago I had to leave my job and i went through a deep depression after it. But I have now come out of this and feel better than I have in years. Suddenly my marriage is over. Probably good this did not happen two months ago. I think it would have taken me along time to come back. He doesn't even want me to touch him and it's almost as if over night my loving affectionate huband has been taken over by this cold and distant man. he's decided that we are now separated and he can go out and look for another woman. I have supported him through thick and thin and I take my wedding vows seriously. I went through this with him 2 years and it was like jekyll and hyde. I waited for him to come out of it and he did. We had sucvh a fantastic year last year. We had our share of fights bot otherwise we were so close. Hi Bubby - I gasped when I read this. We are so similar. I will be 46 at the end of September and was in a long term relationship with a man 12 years younger then me. He walked out on our engagement two years ago. Gave me a song and dance about needing to accomplish things without me, moved a block away, I worked for a reconciliation and then up/down, back/forth and two years later I learned a month ago by email that he had been seeing another woman for the last year. Not just a fling, a full on relationship. When I figured out who she was it was like a 10 years younger version of me. I was absolutely crushed. Sooooo, my revenge is doing things for myself. Like you I supported my ex in every conceivable way. So now I am spending money on myself. New hair, make-up, mani/pedi, spa - you name it! I plan on looking really good and taking care of myself so that I can meet a MAN. Not a boy who doesn't know what he wants, but a MAN. So go out and get back that fabulous woman back.
Author Bubby Posted August 16, 2011 Author Posted August 16, 2011 (edited) Oh and PS. He told me that he is going to try and communicate with his NW so that he can explain himself better and make the relationship work. I've been working very very hard on myself esteem and now I have this little bit of news as I spent along time trying to encourage him to communicate with me. It is aprt of my job and most of the time I can communicate extremely well and have spent years working with people who experience psychosis and have been successful in having clients be able to be understood:confused: Is this all part of some way of making sure that he has somewhere to live as he cannot live with his NW ? Funny isn't it because there are things he won't tell her yet the one person on the planet who knows him backwards he has left. Time to move on big time. Oh and by the way my husband is 38 and his NW is 47, 3 yrs younger than me ! Edited August 16, 2011 by Bubby
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