still cant get over abusive ex

[squirtle]

hi everyone,

so heres the story ill make as short as possible. im 23 years old and left my ex in February of this year. so its been awhile. our relationship was very abusive.. i spent a month in a womens shelter in september after he beat me up. he had a very explosive temper, which i recognized but stayed cause i was in "love". i finally had enough of his yelling and belittling me, calling me stupid, brainwashed, bitch etc. and i left. i now live in a different city and have no contact with him. his court is still on going as the police charged him with assaulting me. the final court date is in 3 weeks. i have since moved out of the town (moved an hour away) but i still cant get over all of this. i know he is all wrong for me and would never go back , but i cant get over him. he has a new girlfriend now and i cant help but think of how good he treats her and what i mustve done wrong. its not even jealousy as much as a feeling of whats wrong with me and what could i have done different. i am also still ANGRY at him and how he can go on with his life so happy and i still battle with this. my family is all on the other side of the country but i am still here until my lease is up and missing them so badly. im just so sad. other than the emotional unhappiness ive actually done lots to improve my life, ive attained and completely furnished my own place all by myself, i have a dog now, work full time, and am soon to get my liscence. i just dont understand why there is still this part of me that feels so alone and insecure i guess would be the word. i dont trust any men now and have given up dating, as i cant bare the thought of risking going through that again. i know this probably just sounds like a lot of complaining but id really like some insight on this maybe from some women that went through the same. thanks

[Diatribes]

He's probably treating his new girl just as bad, if not worse that he treated you. Don't waste any thought of what you may have done differently, it is not your fault this guy was mentally unstable and abusive of women. Be thankful you got out of that relationship before he put you in the hospital, or worse. I'm very sorry you had to go through this kind of trauma. I've been on the receiving end of this before and I know how terrible it is. I wouldn't go as far to not trust any man entirely, not all of us are like that. In fact, most of us are quite the opposite of that.

[squirtle]

i actually did end up in the hospital and after that a womens shelter.. which is why the crown is not settling and pushing for jail time for him. they were surprised i showed up to court,,, as most women dont. i am trying to be a strong role model in this for my family but its so hard. my head and my heart conflict everyday. its just when i see stuff he says about his new gf and him.. its always like "so happy to have her in my life" blah blah... its almost like what i always wanted with him but couldnt have as he cheated on me and abused me.. and i feel almost inferior to her. sometimes though.. im under the notion he does this just to get under my skin. its a total mind game which he is so good at. hes the worst liar/manipulator and he was a drug addict i discovered through most of our relationship. but apparently "SINCE I LEFT" everything is better. its just so hard sometimes to make myself see through his lies.

[Diatribes]

i actually did end up in the hospital and after that a womens shelter.. which is why the crown is not settling and pushing for jail time for him. they were surprised i showed up to court,,, as most women dont. i am trying to be a strong role model in this for my family but its so hard. my head and my heart conflict everyday. its just when i see stuff he says about his new gf and him.. its always like "so happy to have her in my life" blah blah... its almost like what i always wanted with him but couldnt have as he cheated on me and abused me.. and i feel almost inferior to her. sometimes though.. im under the notion he does this just to get under my skin. its a total mind game which he is so good at. hes the worst liar/manipulator and he was a drug addict i discovered through most of our relationship. but apparently "SINCE I LEFT" everything is better. its just so hard sometimes to make myself see through his lies.

 

This guy is a total creep and be glad you are now away from him! Despite what he says, guaranteed he's doing the same thing to this current girl. Do you expect him to be saying "Yeah, I have another girl that I'm mentally/physically abusing"? You are seriously lucky to be away from him. You need to focus on that, and on yourself. Hopefully the courts hammer this guy, as garbage like that don't deserve to be a part of our society.

[squirtle]

thank you diatribes... i know logically that everything youre saying makes sense. im just having a rough week thinking of everything.. seeing him in court brought up a lot of stuff.. and im still really angry with how he treated me and the affect its had. i had little self esteem to begin with and i feel hes taken everything. sometimes i feel like a want a boyfriend but i cant even look at guys now in that way.. i really cant chance this happening again and i ALWAYS go for guys like him. im one of those women that should just stay single i think!

[geegirl]

Squirtle, first of all I am sorry that you had to endure abuse from someone. It's effects can last you a lifetime but it's good that you are not wanting to be a victim of it and that you are taking the right steps to build your life together again. Most people repeat the cycle and find themselves in the same situation over and over again because that is all they know and they're too broken to find a way out. You're doing amazingly well for yourself. You should be very proud of yourself.

 

Speaking from personal experience, an abuser will keep on abusing until he decides to find help and even then it's not a guarantee that that explosive rage will never rear it's ugly head again. He may be treating her well now to gain her trust and dependence on him. But when the honeymoon period is over, he will become the man that he has always been. Please don't for one second think that he abused you because you were lacking and god forbid, think that you deserved it.

 

There will come a time when you will realize that this man will always be who he is. You on the other hand, in time to come, will be in a healthier and happier frame of mind, working towards goals in your life. Imagined staying with someone like this. I've gone to a few meetings about violence and abuse in the home and i was told that the moment someone physically lays a hand on you, especially a loved one, it's at that exact time when the destruction of your self esteem happens. It will overtime, break you into nothing. You don't ever want to allow anyone to do that to you again. He may be going around laughing a happy man, but trust me there will come a time when the regret will be just as painful as what you are going through now. It may not happen now, but it will. These type of people struggle with their own demons.

 

Toxic relationships are hard to recover from. It wasn't about love. It was about addiction. You are left so confused, hurt and broken that you keep dwelling and dweling hoping to find an answer that will give you peace and help you make sense of it all. But you will never find it. The only answer is that he was abusive and you needed to get out. Thank your lucky stars he didn't cause you more damage.

 

Concentrate on building your life right now. Trust for a man will come when you are ready to open yourself up again. But with that, seek counselling so that you can work on yourself. You have to find ways to learn how to say NO. How to create healthy boundaries for yourself. How to be able to control your emotions so that you don't make wrong choices. All this comes with a good therapist who will help you redefine yourself and help you grow in to a healthy person mentally and emotionally as you do the work together. Please seek the help of abuse support groups. It did wonders for me to help me realize that it was never about me.

Edited August 4, 2011 by geegirl

[squirtle]

thank you geegirl.. your words actually made my day a lot better today. i just get down on myself a lot lately. i attended a few domestic abuse support groups in january which is actually what helped me to leave him. i just hate it i get so stressed out now i life and i think of the few good times we had together and i want them back but i know i cant have them without all of the bad. and i cant help but feel like an idiot for putting up with him for so long and not seeing through him. i think i just really need to go back home and be with my friends and family.. im alone here all the time and dont have the motivation to really go out and do too much. plus i dont have the money to. but im stuck here on a lease til next may so i guess i need to pass the time. thank you though your words made a lot of sense

[quankanne]

squirtle, I'm very proud of you for getting out of that relationship as quickly as you did, because some women never leave the hell of an abusive relationship because they don't believe they're strong enough. But you're a survivor, and despite whatever negative things you feel about yourself because a relationship you wanted has failed, you have accomplished a huge thing.

 

mind you, now, this guy is going to do whatever he can to make you second-guess yourself, because that's the way his brain is hard-wired, bless his heart. But know you deserve much better than what he's capable of giving you ... or the new girl. Heck, if anything, pray for her safety, because I guarantee he's going to heap the abuse on her because that's what he does. Hopefully, she'll take a cue from you and leave for a safer situation.

 

it's gonna be hard, because you're up against the unknown, but it's not impossible to heal or succeed in your new life. Find someone or something to take comfort and courage from so that you can heal, and know that we're rooting for you. :love:

[squirtle]

thank you so much/ i actually have an amazing mom.. shes my best friend.. and she helped me so much through this. she encourages me all the time and is really happy that i left and got away from him and really pushed me to go to the court date and not let him get away with this. my ex actually fits the definition of an abuser to a "t". his own father used to beat his mother. it and amazes me that both he and his parents think this is OK. i know that my 2 years with him has really done a number on me mentally. i never had much confidence to begin with and struggled with anorexia/bulimia for a long time. of course i told him about this so he would use calling me fat and ugly as a way to break me down. i SEE all of this now as his tactics of abuse..thank god... but i still feel really messed up by all of it. im alone most of the time now... mostly just me and my dog... unless im at work. i just dont really trust anyone.. i really wish i was home with my family

[geegirl]

No one should ever settle for "a few" good times. We get so broken in an abusive relationship that we cling to almost nothing because we feel we deserve nothing. If you think about it, how can you even value the good when you probably had them because he was having a good day. No one should live like that. It should be consistent. It should be overall good, versus overall bad. Don't ever settle for nothing less than you deserve. Life is too short to allow yourself to settle for scraps in life. You are deserving of a loving and caring man. You will see that when you slowly start detaching.

 

You know, we all put up with bad behavior. There are women everywhere in this world that put up with physical abuse. I came from that cycle. You must be proud of yourself for removing yourself from that situation. Most women would have stayed and continued a life of acceptance. You didn't. Whether you left two months after of 20 years after, you found the courage to leave. Abuse leaves you crippled emotionally and mentally and I won't even touch physically. Most women sit and wait for change. You didn't. And I am proud for you for that.

 

It will be good for you to surround yourself with friends and family. Outside of support groups, you need a strong support system to keep you going everyday. Try to go out and make friends. I'm here alone too in this country. I joined this site called meetup.com to 1) get involved in activities I like in my area 2) widen my social circle. It's helped me break out. You could try to do other things. Volunteer at a woman's shelter or children's shelter. Most times they welcome volunteers who have experienced it as it is easier to relate to those going through the same thing. Maybe take a language class to help you immerse yourself and distract your mind. Find a hobby that you are passionate about and start some projects. Working out is a good way to boost your sense of self as you physically start to look and feel better.

 

You need to try and find things to do to fill your life. This in turn will help you develop YOU again. He took away from you. Start putting the pieces back again. And the way to do that is to fill it.

 

You're doing so great! You've taken the right steps. And although you're sad and hurt and lonely, these are all feelings that are normal but much more healthier for you than being in a damaging relationship. Come here and pour your heart out and there will be many that can relate and help you through the process.

[quankanne]

You need to try and find things to do to fill your life. This in turn will help you develop YOU again. He took away from you. Start putting the pieces back again. And the way to do that is to fill it.

 

is there anything you're interested in that you can start doing? Learning to quilt, taking an exercise/dance class, joining a book club, volunteering someplace you find interesting? Once you start broadening your circles and meeting others, you help the healing process go that much faster because you meet people who give you the encouragement and strength you need to recover. And it puts your mind someplace better than you were because you're in a good spot, so to speak ... you're counter-acting the poison he tried to fill you with.

 

and, it'll help the days go by faster til you get back to your family!

 

hugs,

q

[jt214]

squirtle, i'm sorry that this happened to you and don't think that it sounds like complaining. i actually went through something similar, except it was all a mental kind of abuse rather than some physical...i'm a guy, about to be 21 and going into my senior year of college. my ex and i broke up seven months ago and i was so in love with her that it nearly killed me. then about three months into the breakup some things that i swept under the rug started to come back in mind...without going into it stuff that i should have seen as red flags from the get go but tolerated because i loved her. despite this realization, it's extremely hard for me to move past her because she was the first girl i ever really cared about, and i know that i'm gonna have to see her in the fall again which i am dreading but i know getting back with her is not for the best.

 

i'm sure there were good things about your relationship with your ex and when you look at him or think of him you remember those things and it makes it very hard to move on. do not for a second blame yourself for his behavior because no one deserves to be abused like that. as for his new girlfriend, i would probably lose my mind if my ex started dating someone else, but for all you know he's treating her the same way he treated you. continue to improve yourself, it sounds like you're doing a good job and taking a break from dating is a good idea. my ex made me feel extremely insecure too, but you shouldn't give up on men completely. you sound like a nice girl and there are plenty of guys out there who will treat you with the respect you deserve...it might take a little while to weed out the good ones from the bad but if you look hard enough you can definitely find a good one. keep doing what you're doing, before you know it this will all just be a distant memory and you will have moved on to someone much better

[betterdeal]

One thing I believe is that we have a range of feelings for anyone in our lives. Whilst we may dislike someone in some regards, we can at the same time love them in other regards. When we have been seriously traumatised, we can experience deep seated feelings of fear, anger, hatred but also love, affection, grief and loss. The things to remember are that:

 

(a) the cause of the hurt is gone; and

(b) all feelings are real and you should never be ashamed of them. that's like being ashamed of being real.

 

With time, you will feel lots of different feelings related to this other person. He got close to and touched your soul, as well as having hurt you most profoundly. Take your time. You're a beautiful soul, a marvellous and intricate young woman, and you are a survivor. You will feel better, bit by bit, day by day, and you'll be able to let go of the feelings, all of them, in your own time and when you're ready.

 

You have all the time in the world. Take lots of care of yourself.

[mymistakes]

You and I are going through the same situation. First , I am so sorry !! You did the right thing. The hardest step to get yourself back.

 

It doesn't end. My abuse started small in Oct of last year. It ended when I was sucker punched to the ground. Long story as to why charges where never filed on him. I still hung around because I was in shock.

 

Finally had an incident that was followed with charges on him. There was an RO and I was able to move to a new house . Went 3 months NC at all . Saw him once in court and have to go back next month.

 

He called me and we talked for hours. I fell back into the trap for a very short time. Saw him twice. Sad sad feeling followed. Lots of calls , text and arguments. He started slowly seeing someone right before the last incident. She is still around while he was telling me I was the love of his life in the last few weeks.

 

Moral of the story ....please stay strong !!! That was the biggest mistake I could have made. Emotionally it threw me backwards. I am back in NC and heading to court.

 

They are spineless bastards to ever touch a woman. They put the MAN in manipulate no dout. Just feel sorry for his newest one. I do for mine. Hopefully when the court case is over , she will see the real deal.

 

Please feel free to contact me for support. This is such an identical story and personally I could use the support from a similar person. HUGS !

[mymistakes]

The only reason I let him have contact me ( and break the RO , which was stupid ) , was because I was dwelling on the good times , how few there were.

 

I too went to the ER.

 

Make a list of everything you did not like about him and post it on your fridge.

 

When I did that I realized , we didn't have too many good times. We were busy arguing. Mostly me calling him out on his lies .

 

Most abuser are also pathological liars as well. They are delusional and ACTUALLY believe themselves.

 

Like I stated , just feel sorry for the newest one in his life.

[squirtle]

OMG mymistakes... it sounds like we are talking about the same person. there is not a word of truth that comes out of his mouth. hes told me so many ridiculous things that i feel so stupid for ever believing. the courts places a no contact order on him right after the incident but we were back together for a few months after that. i left him for good in FEB when he was away working.. i thought that was the easiest time to do it as he wasnt around. but in mid may this year i slipped up and had him over to my place at the time and for about a week spent everyday with him... little did i know at the time he was just starting to see his new gf during those days... but was telling me he still loved me and blaming me for leaving him. he would always bring up the fact that I left HIM and it was my fault and deserved to be begging for him back. ive never felt this way towards a person... no one in the world disgusts me more than him, yet i still have some type of love for him though i hate to admit it. i know that i cant date cause i know myself very well, do a lot of thinking, and i know i am just looking to replace him with the same kind of guy. i have never had such a hard time letting someone go which in turn makes me very mad at myself cause i REALLY cant stand him. it makes no sense. i dont miss the stress though... he was very heavy into drugs for a time during which i barely slept or ate cause i was so worried.. i think back to the relationship and remember calling my mom crying every couple of days. it was definitely miserable... i have come to the acceptance that im one of those girls that SAYS they want a good guy but actually deep down wants the a%%hole. most of the women i met in the shelter were the same.. some were in their 50s and dated this type of guy their whole lives. its a discouraging thought... but thank you for the ideas of getting involved in things i actually thought about volunteering at the shelter here.. ive been to a few of their fundraisers.i may have someone to take over my apartment lease so i can move home. i have my fingers crossed!!

[squirtle]

i think theyre delusional too... i used to blame it on his drug use.. he would get so paranoid all the time when he was using. there is definitely something wrong with him... when the domestic violence court coordinator asked me what outcome i would like from the trial i told them he should have a mental evaluation. really. its the only thing that MIGHT benefit him. a few months ago after i left him, he told me he had a brand new truck, 4 wheeler and dirt bike... yet when i went over there was nothing there?! he lies about working, school and sooo many things. when he cheated on me a year ago, he got mad at ME for finding out and told me i was crazy! no wonder i feel like i am losing it half the time having lived with someone like that makes you unstable!