Online Dating is taking a toll on my self esteem

[U1987]

Seriously, I can't help but think less of myself. I've set up a Plenty of Fish and OK Cupid account and in the past 2 weeks, I've emailed over 120 girls. I've only gotten 17 responses.

 

We had little conversations, but I felt like we were just shooting the breeze. It's really hard to tell if the girls are really feeling any sort of attraction or chemistry when it's all just words on the screen.

 

Most of those convo's petered out midway. I've offered to meet up in real life but I've gotten that "I got to check my schedule" or "I'll get back to you" bull****. (Ladies, we're not stupid; maybe = no)

 

I've only gotten 2 phone numbers and I've moved onto the texting phase, but my first offers for a date was rebuffed due to incompatible schedules, and I'm trying again for next week.

 

It's just frustrating. It's more than frustrating, I really can't explain it. Why is it so hard for a guy to score a date online while women are getting flooded with requests and offers?

[alexlakeman]

You are getting a 10%+ return on responses; that's fine for a guy. That's about what I get when I send out emails.. I focus on women that do have similarities and they put an effort into THEIR profile...

[bama_bbq]

I don't know if this helps you feel better, but I've found that I sometimes drop the conversational ball on these sites with women who I actually think are quite attractive for reasons that have nothing to do with them. Sometimes we get into conversations that become really long, so responding takes considerable effort and I'll procrastinate the response because I'll want to think about it. And days become weeks and before you know it, it would be weird to respond (I'll have to apologize for taking so long).

 

In other cases I've been casually dating a woman and then I'll neglect my inbox online and kind of stop responding. At that point it becomes too late again.

 

And sometimes the conversation will stop just because it's hard to come up with a good response. They'll ask me a question, I'll try to answer it and come up with my own question, and then I'll realize it's hard for me to do. I'll think about it over a couple days and then eventually give up/forget about it.

 

I don't respond to any women I don't find at least somewhat attractive, and rarely will the reason for me giving up on the conversation be "something's wrong with her."

 

If you get a response, there's almost certainly *some* attraction there. You look good enough, your profile looks interesting enough, or some combination. Attraction isn't necessarily enough to produce a date, but that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you.

[Zaphod B]

It's really hard to know what your problem is unless we were to see some examples of the messages you're sending. I've always had a lot of success in getting coffee dates from women on line. Once I'm able to get them to exchange messages, my success rate is about 80-90%. Some things to consider...

 

Your first message:

 

Inject humour. Say somethings about yourself. Don't rely on your profile. Look for specific things in the woman's profile that you can address so that you can personalise your message a bit specifically for her. That way it shows her that you have actually read her profile. A lot of guys don't and the girls realise that!

 

When you've got someone you're messaging backwards and forwards:

 

Don't talk about sex. Be a gentlemen. Women on line are always getting bombarded with penis photographs and guys wanting sex. Getting a genuine guy is often a pleasant surprise.

 

Try to inject some humour and show some personality.

 

Ask lots of questions. Make them see that you are interested in finding out more about them.

 

Be open and honest. Don't try to be someone you're not. Women will figure out your insincerity pretty quickly, especially once they meet you.

 

I would always advise a decent amount of messaging backwards and forwards before asking for a date. Make it a coffee at a cafe or a drink at a bar. Somewhere public, where there's no pressure. I always go about 1-2 weeks of regular messages before I ask. Gives them a chance to get an idea of whether you're trustworthy or not. I think it shows you are more serious too, at finding that someone special, rather than just asking after a couple of days.

Edited August 4, 2011 by Zaphod B

[KathyM]

It's best to get into the meetup stage as soon as possible, and not go into a lot of Emails. Women have told me they get frustrated with guys that get too much into Email mode. After a couple of Emails, make a date to meet in person. And texting is not all that great. A live phone conversation to set a date after a couple of introductory Emails would be best.

[Zaphod B]

Oh and another thing... Don't be afraid to message women with no photographs. I have gone on about 6-7 blind dates on line. Only one was unattractive. 4 of them were absolute stunners who wouldn't put photographs up because all they got were creeps wanting sex.

[Zaphod B]

It's best to get into the meetup stage as soon as possible, and not go into a lot of Emails. Women have told me they get frustrated with guys that get too much into Email mode. After a couple of Emails, make a date to meet in person. And texting is not all that great. A live phone conversation to set a date after a couple of introductory Emails would be best.

 

I agree that you don't want to go too long because you tend to get unrealistic expectations, but I've come across women who say that a couple of days messaging is not enough. They want to get a better idea of the guy first before they meet up.

 

I guess it depends on the woman and hopefully you can get a feel for how keen she might be to meet. ONe thing I get frustrated with is women who do one line replies. I'll normally ask them out a lot sooner, because they're just too much effort to do email conversations with. I've yet to have a woman complain that I've emailed for too long.

Edited August 4, 2011 by Zaphod B

[GivenUp0083]

Only 17 responses??

 

Is this a joke?

 

I've sent out about 75 in the last few weeks with 1 response and she only wrote one email back then just stopped responding (oh, and she was kinda fat).

 

I've thrown in the towel man, I used to get at least some response, now I get nothing. Waste of time.

[Zaphod B]

Some more stuff I thought about. Maybe it will help:

 

Your profile

 

Have a photograph. One that’s reasonably clear and is a good likeness of you. Most women want to get an idea of what you look like and hopefully gauge whether you might be good guy or not. Remember there is more risk for women when online dating than men.

 

Make your profile comprehensive. Try to put as much info in as possible. This will show you are serious about finding someone special and it will give the woman more information about you and whether you are compatible and someone they might like. More information means less effort the woman has to go through to find out stuff about you. For me there were many times a woman made a comment about something she read in my profile that stood out to her.

 

Put some humour into your profile. Show some personality.

 

Become a paying member if you can. This makes you more visible, but not only that, it shows women that you are more serious about finding someone special.

 

 

Your initial contact:

 

This is crucial because it gives a first impression and you want it to stand out amongst all the other guy’s first messages.

 

Never just say Hi, or a one line message. Some women will just ignore it if you do and message someone who has made more effort. They are often bombarded with messages from guys, especially the really attractive women.

 

 

When you've got someone you're communicating with:

 

 

Don’t just give brief answers. Elaborate a little. Give them something to work with.

 

Take notes. As she reveals information about herself write it down on note paper so that you don’t risk asking the same questions twice and so you can mention those things later, thus showing you were paying attention. It also has another benefit, that being if you’re messaging multiple women you don’t get them mixed up. Also gives you some study notes to examine before you go to the first meeting! They will be impressed that you remembered so much about them.

 

 

If they don’t have a picture up, NEVER ask for a photograph right away. Leave that until you have a rapport going and if they don’t have one, treat it like it’s no big deal, otherwise you’ll appear shallow. If you find her unattractive when you first meet up, what’s the big deal? You don’t have to see her again and you’ve gained an opportunity to meet someone new and gained more experience and confidence… especially if she likes you!

 

For your first meeting:

 

Suggest a café or a bar for a drink. Somewhere public and safe, where there's no pressure. Asking her to go to dinner, dancing or stuff like that, can be intimidating for a first date. If she suggests it, then fantastic!

 

I normally don’t expect to talk on the phone before meeting up. I just go straight to asking them to meet and then exchange cell phone numbers for texting purposes. If she wants to talk on the phone first, then go for it.

[henderson14]

Your not alone. I've got a lot going on for me and am a tall attractive guy and I have trouble getting good responses. I'd say 1 in 8 respond and out of those 4 stop responding and out of those MAYBE one will end up in a date. Then 4 out of 5 girls are nothing like their pics or just have something wrong with them when I meet them. Its amazing how misleading some of these photos can be. Not necessarily weight, but just facial looks etc. Its good to facebook the girls so you can see their profile picture. Most of the times it is not as good as their dating profile pic. So it's like you go through all that work and rejection for something less than you would settle with in the real world. It's a waste of time and energy.

 

Women get hundreds of messages a week on these sites so it makes it hard and overwhelming for them. The only reason I get responses is because it is either women looking for a tall man or someone up to their education level (masters degree)

Edited August 5, 2011 by henderson14

[fortyninethousand322]

OP, I've decided online dating is a waste. I write good emails, have a fairly good profile/pics yet I pretty much get no responses. In 14 months I've gotten one girl to go out with me twice. That's it. It's not you, it's online dating.