Shouldn't I be a little concerned

[Lucky555]

My boyfriend of 9 months has not introduced me to family and this is bothering me. He has met my family before and I recently took him out with some of my family members. I'm not sure if he is "that" serious about me.

 

I am confused as he recently told me his ex was in town. I asked why he told me and he said just in case she stopped in to see him. He said she has issues and explained her troubled life and how the ex might want him to meet her new bf. I said why is she doing this..and he said he is the only person in her life who has not left her....he is just a friend and they barely talk. I told him I am uncomfortable with this (I know she wants him back they were engaged a few years ago) she visits him, emails, calls, him. I am not sure how often but he claims rarely.

 

He acts like he doesn't want her to do something to herself because of him. I again explained If she does show up when I am there that he needs to have respect for me and ask her to catch up with him another time.

 

I'm very very shocked that this girl is randomly visiting him. I am uncomfortable because she does not sound stable. I picture a future with my bf and I can't see us staying together if his ex is showing up. He would not tolerate me doing this.

I told him it's not like he has kids with her or anything!!! I was staying with him at the time his ex was randomly in town. I also almost got up in the middle of the night to end it all between us.

 

This is such a huge red flag isn't it? He claims there is nothing but why can't he move on. He claims it's my distrust in him. However I wouldn't feel the way I do if I thought something was not right.

Seems like his ex wanted to see him to make him jealous with her new bf.

I still have no idea I they saw each other I feel very confused as to if I can trust him because he isn't saying I am "with you" and if it makes u uncomfortable then I won't. I want him

To say that

But he won't..he just accused me of insecurity and not trusting him.

 

The fact is I know what this ex is doing, I know he is in contact casually with her for all I know, I see a future with him and possibly kids and I want a healthy relationship without having to worry about some crazy ex he has!! I want him to say I'm worried about your feelings not his exes!!! He told me to look at his fb and texts if I want.

 

I feel he basically said he didn't care if I was uncomfortable he would still see her but he understands why I feel the way I do. I am not at all feeling like he is in "love with me" because the ex thing wouldn't be an issue for him if he was .

 

After 9 months there is no I love you or I miss you. On my birthday he made me dinner last minute because he felt he should do something. Then he invited

Me to his place this past weekend and we laid around his house. I was so bored. I felt used almost because he did not ask me to stay over..he felt obligated after sex to have me stay.

 

I'm just worried I'm wasting time with him. I see no sign after 9 months of anything progressing..isn't there some sign by now?

 

I am planing to not ask to see him this week. I feel I might be delusional with what is actually happening. I need some space to see if he will plan anything. I just hate being used..and this is how I feel. Besides making dinner for my birthday he hasnt really done anything sweet and the whole ex thing is making me very very guarded.

 

I don't know anymore. Any advise? Shouldn't I have met family by now if he was serious? Shouldn't he dump his ex who has a bf for ME! I thought people in love would adore and respect their partner which is why I'm feeling he is stringing me along

[clerm27]

All I can say is that it seems like he is unsure about his feelings for either of you. It almost seems like he is torn between you two. He can tell you you're being insecure, but the bottom line is that if this makes you uncomfortable, it's not fair to you, that's the bottom line.

 

If he can't appreciate and understand the fact this bothers you, then I hate to say it, you may went to look elsewhere. The whole birthday thing is ridiculous too, wow. I can't believe he would do that.

 

Look, I'm only 20, but I know I would never make the girl I'm dating feel uncomfortable with anything.

 

If you feel wronged, confront him. If he brushes it off and doesn't listen to your feelings about it, then you are probably wasting your time with him.

[Zaphod B]

Shouldn't I have met family by now if he was serious?

 

Absolutely. Is he ashamed of his family? Does he get along with them? If he's not ashamed and he gets on fine with them, I would have expected he'd be eager to introduce you to them if he was really keen on you. Sounds like he might not be serious about you. Every woman I've ever adored I've wanted to show off to everyone, family included.

 

 

Shouldn't he dump his ex who has a bf for ME!

 

Damn right he should have. She shouldn't be around at all, not unless they had kids together, which you say he doesn't. Why would he want her there at all? He is trying to make you feel guilty when you tell him your concerns. What a jerk. If he respected you and cared about you, he'd take your concerns seriously. You are quite justified in being pissed off about his ex still being in his life. He's with you now. Not her!

 

 

I thought people in love would adore and respect their partner which is why I'm feeling he is stringing me along

 

Could be the case. Makes me think there's something more going on there that he's not told you about.

Edited August 4, 2011 by Zaphod B

[Lucky555]

Ya I don't feel he is committed to me after 9 months. I am not insecure about myself in the relationship as my bf says I am it's more so I don't want to be lied to or strung along. I just don't see him

Meeting with an ex in the future or anytime being ok with myself. I never had to deal with this before.

After reading posts I think I'm delusional. He isnt really doing much for me. A little dinner for my birthday last minute doesn't say I love you or I adore you. I have never recievieved any gifts or flowers or good dates.

 

Family: he sees them a lot. He mentions them. I have not met them.

 

I believe I have the case of rose colored glasses. Instead of seeing what he does for me through his actions I'm letting him get what he wants. He isn't thinking of my best interests if he was the whole ex thing wouldn't be an issue.

I have a wake up call here to back off. I feel like he isn't very appreciative of me. I always spend the money on gas and food to see him.

Last week I asked to go to a cheap place for dinner and HE didn't want to.

Thanks for the posts I see I have some thinking to and action to take for myself. He has not been a very good bf to me I think I have been way to passive.

Time for some self reflection

[Tayla]

I'm miffed that him being "friends" with a former gal bothers you? He hasnt given you signs of cheating and seems to be respectful of your view point without allowing you to dictate who he can and cannot be friends with. I personally would run without hesitation if any other adult told me who I can and cannot associate with, be they former "interests" or not. He had a past and he chose to be considerate of that past relations. Lets hope he can be man enough to be that way with you if you chose to dump him. Sorry I get the terrible sensation that you may not have a grasp that a real relationship whilst it may have its closeness doesn't mean that a person can't have friends of their own be they male or female.

I would be mature if and when he introduces the friend. No need to be catty or such...she might actual be a decent person

If you trust him then show due regard.

Call me ole fashion in mentality but I beleive two opposing genders can carry a respectful friendship without crossing lines...

[Lucky555]

I'm miffed that him being "friends" with a former gal bothers you? He hasnt given you signs of cheating and seems to be respectful of your view point without allowing you to dictate who he can and cannot be friends with. I personally would run without hesitation if any other adult told me who I can and cannot associate with, be they former "interests" or not. He had a past and he chose to be considerate of that past relations. Lets hope he can be man enough to be that way with you if you chose to dump him. Sorry I get the terrible sensation that you may not have a grasp that a real relationship whilst it may have its closeness doesn't mean that a person can't have friends of their own be they male or female.

I would be mature if and when he introduces the friend. No need to be catty or such...she might actual be a decent person

If you trust him then show due regard.

Call me ole fashion in mentality but I beleive two opposing genders can carry a respectful friendship without crossing lines...

 

Oh I trut him but not entirely with my life. I have been his friend for 5 years. I know exactly what this ex is up to. He told me when we first got together everything was over between them and he says now he doesn't know her anymore. However he told me of his breakup and how she was crazy and she is in therapy. I can picture having kids with this man but I do not picture. Crazy ex being around my home or my kids or myself. I am stating how I feel to him and if he loves me this relationship will dissipate as he says it is. I feel my bf needs to grow up and be a man. I know for a fact she is not the type of person who I would be friends with as she cheated on him several times, has slashed his tires, and is full of drama. I just want her to leave my bf alone. She is trying little tactics to get him

To go back to her. See I don't need an ex causing drama. It's not like she has

Moved on she is a bit off her rocker.

 

If I did what my bf was doing..having an ex bf hanging around he would not be happy. I told my bf how I feel and if he wants a future he will respect me. If he isn't close friends now as he says he isn't then it shouldn't be a problem. I'm not saying who he can't and can be friends with but telling him what I will or will not tolerate it is essentially up to him.

I want a healthy relationship and if he doesn't he can find someone else.

I know he understands me and he has not given me a reason to distrust him. We are still together but now I'm guarded because I did not like his response to me when I said I do not want an ex around...and only because of what I know about this person it is not healthy.

If there is anyone he should want to keep around it's me and in time I guess I will see what is happening.

I know I need to reevaluate this relationship because there is more that I am unsatisfied with. Like no progression and him basically wanting to get together and we never do anything...I have been wearing rose colored glasses for far too long

[kiss_andmakeup]

Okay, so let's sum up all the points you just made.

 

My boyfriend of 9 months has not introduced me to family and this is bothering me.

 

I picture a future with my bf and I can't see us staying together if his ex is showing up. He would not tolerate me doing this.

 

he isn't saying I am "with you" and if it makes u uncomfortable then I won't.

 

After 9 months there is no I love you or I miss you.

 

On my birthday he made me dinner last minute because he felt he should do something.

 

I felt used almost because he did not ask me to stay over..he felt obligated after sex to have me stay.

 

he hasnt really done anything sweet and the whole ex thing is making me very very guarded.

 

I just singled out every individual negative point you made about your boyfriend. In my opinion, all of the above are red flags.

 

He should absolutely value your feelings over his ex's, especially after 9 months. This should go without saying. Why exactly are you staying with this guy?