lvfaith Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 Hi, After 5 months with my BF, and having just met his entire family, also just a month ago him telling me how much he loved me, he broke up with me saying something was "missing". A true Commitment Phobe, I know. So instead of being friends with him, I decided to do NC. I erased him from FB, BBM, and all other media outlets. I recieved an email from him after I wiiped him out from all outlets that the break up is hard for him too. That was when I wrote him back and told him that he could not be in my life as just friends and that I needed to heal. Has anyone had any experience with the NC rule and with a true CP guy? Does it really work? When the "relief" factor is gone, when do they start to question themselves and miss you? It;s only been a little over a week, but I am having a really hard time. Thanks, Lisa
antinko Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 Don't know. I'm on NC with my ex (she did similar to me with the whole 'something missing' crap) but I originally made every text book mistake in terms of looking 'clingy and desperate' post break-up. It was the shock frankly... Anyway, all I do know is that NC is the best way to restore your sense of dignity and respect so I'd say keep at it. If it's meant to be with your fellow, then it's meant to be: he'll come crawling back.
serviceduck Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 Hi Lisa, Let's bounce ideas off each other. I can't even tell you how much I understand your pain right now. My boyfriend (definitely soul-mate, as we had discussed numerous times), of 1 year, broke up with me on monday night. We had a relationship more perfect than I knew could exist. He said he loves me with every ounce of him and will never find anyone like me and doesnt want to. He said he is going to write himself a reminder letter to never get into a relationship again. He is 24, I am 19. The age difference was barely existent. The stress of his work, and the depression he has seemingly entered into in the past 3 weeks is what he says is stopping him from being able to handle the emotions of this relationship. He needs to find happiness again. err... I was told numerous times I was the best thing that has ever happened to him and that he was so lucky to have me (as he would wake me up in the middle of the night to remind me). So you tell me, will the love of my life, realise his mistake and arrive at my door in tears one night (like the man I know) or will the depressive version of him prevail? Will his pride stop him from admitting his mistake? How long will it take for him to realise he misses me? I have done NC since the second he drove away. He has only informed 2 friends of what has happened, and didnt contact me the day after (his only day off) to try and give me back my things, nor has he even been on facebook which is unusual as he usually goes on to de-stress. What do you think? In regard to your problem. Your ex did say there was something 'missing', not that you were too emotional or too much to handle or too high maintenance. So when you ask when will his relief kick in, what exactly is he being relieved from? Boyfriends in the past have told me they have just lost the feelings, and no matter what I did (I did beg, and cry, and write letters... not a good look) it just pushed them further away. So I guess you and I are in the same boat, how long until the NC tactic begins to mess with their mind?
Author lvfaith Posted August 4, 2011 Author Posted August 4, 2011 Don't know. I'm on NC with my ex (she did similar to me with the whole 'something missing' crap) but I originally made every text book mistake in terms of looking 'clingy and desperate' post break-up. It was the shock frankly... Anyway, all I do know is that NC is the best way to restore your sense of dignity and respect so I'd say keep at it. If it's meant to be with your fellow, then it's meant to be: he'll come crawling back. How long does it take for guys? I know you are doing it with your ex girlfriend, but when does it start to sit in with a guy...? And how long has it been for you?
Author lvfaith Posted August 4, 2011 Author Posted August 4, 2011 Hi Lisa, Let's bounce ideas off each other. I can't even tell you how much I understand your pain right now. My boyfriend (definitely soul-mate, as we had discussed numerous times), of 1 year, broke up with me on monday night. We had a relationship more perfect than I knew could exist. He said he loves me with every ounce of him and will never find anyone like me and doesnt want to. He said he is going to write himself a reminder letter to never get into a relationship again. He is 24, I am 19. The age difference was barely existent. The stress of his work, and the depression he has seemingly entered into in the past 3 weeks is what he says is stopping him from being able to handle the emotions of this relationship. He needs to find happiness again. err... I was told numerous times I was the best thing that has ever happened to him and that he was so lucky to have me (as he would wake me up in the middle of the night to remind me). So you tell me, will the love of my life, realise his mistake and arrive at my door in tears one night (like the man I know) or will the depressive version of him prevail? Will his pride stop him from admitting his mistake? How long will it take for him to realise he misses me? I have done NC since the second he drove away. He has only informed 2 friends of what has happened, and didnt contact me the day after (his only day off) to try and give me back my things, nor has he even been on facebook which is unusual as he usually goes on to de-stress. What do you think? In regard to your problem. Your ex did say there was something 'missing', not that you were too emotional or too much to handle or too high maintenance. So when you ask when will his relief kick in, what exactly is he being relieved from? Boyfriends in the past have told me they have just lost the feelings, and no matter what I did (I did beg, and cry, and write letters... not a good look) it just pushed them further away. So I guess you and I are in the same boat, how long until the NC tactic begins to mess with their mind? Hi there, I think your ex is in a deep depression, and upset he can't come to the table with his emotions. As for the depression you stated, my ex had depression too weeks before teh break up. One day I came over the drapes were shut, there was no lights on and he hadn't showered in days. I figured it was because he was moody. Two weeks later we broke up. When I refer to relief, I mean, when a commitment phobic breaks up with is gf, he needs instant relief from the pressure of the relationship and the situation he is in. After the break up, and the feeling of no pressure or claustrophobia, is when they can only sit with the break up and their true feelings....so I am wondering when that starts to set in.
serviceduck Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 I would say thats very much the case. All I want is answers about how long it will take him to come out of it, and perhaps me not being around 24/7 will be enough to bring him to reality. I just dont know, only he knows and I obviously cannot talk to him. Do I keep the NC going? You're definitely dealing with the same issue of 'time'. Hopefully, for you, your ex will realise that there wasn't anything missing. But unfortunately for me, my ex still loves me but needs to realise thats enough to stay with me.
antinko Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 (edited) How long does it take for guys? I know you are doing it with your ex girlfriend, but when does it start to sit in with a guy...? And how long has it been for you? How long does what take? The getting over it? Bit of a generalisation really... I'm a guy with his head [usually] pretty well screwed on, but I trusted this girl entirely. She totally blindsided me and I was so in love with her... It's been two months and I'm grieving still. I miss her intensely and wish I could have her back, but I know deep down that I miss the girl I fell in love with and the girl she is now...changed. Or something like that. She bumped into me last week and we had a chat - friendly, but kind of forced. We were both being polite and putting our 'brave' faces on. It's been 7 days NC since then and I don't intend on breaking it. I have this feeling she's with another guy right now...I'm trying not to care. I can't help my feelings of love for her although my logical mind tells me I can do 'better' as she was incredibly insensitive and disrespectful to me although I treated her really well... It's just a process of grieving I've accepted and I'm just focusing on 'me' now. I know I'll end up with a deserving girl someday, whoever she is. I won't discount things with my current ex, but she'd have to do all the reparation work and certainly initiate it. I'm not certain that she will. If she does at all, I foresee it being in months time...maybe a year or so. It all depends on how much her feelings were truly genuine. She really convinced me she was 'the one'. and that I was hers too... As much as I was originally going to do so, I can't, as a matter of self respect, hang around for her. I don't believe in rebounds, but I'll start dating again at some point. I'm developing myself at the moment, though. Edited August 4, 2011 by antinko
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