Author serviceduck Posted August 7, 2011 Author Posted August 7, 2011 @ALL Yes, I know I said I needed a break but this is so bloody hard!! I am going to stick with what I believe in. I know, and im sure you all can see from what i've told you that he still loves me unconditionally. Problem is, just got a text from our mutual friend who's party he went to after he showed up here on saturday and she said "he seems pretty clear on his decision. he said it feels like a massive weight has been lifted off his shoulders not having to think about a relationship"... "my hubby tried to chat to him and have a DnM but he said he was fine and that he would come back and talk if he needed to". Now I know the 2 rules (a) dont listen to what other people say because just because he says that doesnt mean hes thinking that on the inside. and (b) he has to go through the initial relief stage. BUT (and I know nobody can really answer this)... when and what does it take to get him through the relief and pass into nostalgia and missing me? He said he wants me to be happy but it will kill him when I move on. Do I have a chance of him coming back when he sees the confident me that he fell in love with? Books and online forums say it takes 2-3 weeks for the dumper to pass from relief to nostalgia and then 2-3 months to realise what they want to do with the emotions of missing you. WHAT DO WE ALL THINK? p.s. remember how intensely he was holding me and kissing me just on saturday (after he had said on the night of the breakup that we could never talk or see each other again). Additional information: She just told me when he arrived at the party he was very quiet (he is usually very loud to make up for being shy... dont ask..), so she just sat him down and said "(name) & I have been through so many ups and downs but at the end of everyday we long to hold each other until we fall asleep". She said he listened and agreed but still said he felt relief. She said "if he's craving you now or does feel something like that, he has to be true to those feelings. I agree, he will start to feel lonely". That made me feel better that he listened to her and was able to agree with what she said. At least that plants a little seed in his mind, right? Also, though some of you may not be believers in psychics, and honestly I do not know where I stand on the topic, my ex's mum did have a psychic tell her that (and i'll re quote a previous post) "i see your youngest son (him) having met his perfect match, they compliment each other perfectly. they are like two peas in a pod (which we were). they will have a falling out, but will patch things up. i see them staying together".... so perhaps this time a part is a good thing. It keeps me an opporuntity to get my license in the next 2 weeks, get a car, become confident in myself again and when we do reconcile, we will appreciate each other so much more. Thoughts?
YuGr. Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 Additional information: She just told me when he arrived at the party he was very quiet (he is usually very loud to make up for being shy... dont ask..), so she just sat him down and said "(name) & I have been through so many ups and downs but at the end of everyday we long to hold each other until we fall asleep". She said he listened and agreed but still said he felt relief. She said "if he's craving you now or does feel something like that, he has to be true to those feelings. I agree, he will start to feel lonely". That made me feel better that he listened to her and was able to agree with what she said. At least that plants a little seed in his mind, right? Also, though some of you may not be believers in psychics, and honestly I do not know where I stand on the topic, my ex's mum did have a psychic tell her that (and i'll re quote a previous post) "i see your youngest son (him) having met his perfect match, they compliment each other perfectly. they are like two peas in a pod (which we were). they will have a falling out, but will patch things up. i see them staying together".... so perhaps this time a part is a good thing. It keeps me an opporuntity to get my license in the next 2 weeks, get a car, become confident in myself again and when we do reconcile, we will appreciate each other so much more. Thoughts? Make sure you don't fall for false hope either. It's also a strong possibility that it's over for ever... I don't want to rain on your parade but in the long run it'll hurt you..
Author serviceduck Posted August 8, 2011 Author Posted August 8, 2011 (edited) Make sure you don't fall for false hope either. It's also a strong possibility that it's over for ever... I don't want to rain on your parade but in the long run it'll hurt you.. I'm just trying to take everything as it comes. Still getting used to him not calling/picking me up/sleeping next to him. I've been going to work and had fine shifts. Been doing my uni work to a ..satisfactory level. Started wearing makeup again. But still analysing everything. I have glimmers of hope and then like 3hours of heartache when my mind think hes never coming back. But we still have items to swap. He asked if I was going to that music festival. And we have mutual friends. We will obviously see each other soon. I expect I will hear from him soon too. Anyway, just got an email from his mum. (today is 1 week since the break up. she text me that night as i posted earlier). This is what she said today: "Hi **** Hope you are feeling ok, I havent emailed earlier because I didnt want to get in the middle of things and thought I'd let things settle before i did. it's hard being ***'s mum and having the friendship with you as well, but I do miss having you around. *** told me that he saw you and your mum and that he was glad he did. Take care of yourself, thinking of you, and missing you...... chin up! ***** XX" How do I reply? I just want to desperately tell her to make him change his mind and hound him about making a mistake but.... is it more effective to just ignore the concept of 'him' completely? I know whatever I say she will tell him because she's not a very good secret keeper and she tends to let things slip. [/FONT] Edited August 8, 2011 by serviceduck
Mack05 Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 (edited) Serviceduck, You are 19 and when I was your age getting the same advice my mother, I ignored it too. I had the exact same thought process as you. All advice given, literally went in one ear and out the next. These are lessons in life, we just have to learn and go through them. I think in life "hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies". I think false hope is something completely different. What you are holding onto is false hope. I will say a few things. What I said above maybe 'crude' (as one poster pointed out) and to the point, but I feel the chances of this relationship being a long term success are small. That is based on life experience and statistics. We have all been through this serviceduck. Everything you desribed above. The good family connections, the signs that he is the one etc etc. The longer you hold onto this false hope, the tougher it will be to come out of it. Whether he comes back or not, this man is not emotionally mature enough to be in a stable loving relationship with. I have no doubt in my mind about this. But like me at 19, you are determined to stick to the course of action so let me give me the best advice to win back.. 1) Do not involve his mother. He will end up resenting you and you will push him further away. Tell his mother a quick thank you and leave it at that.. 2) This is the hardest part, but it's necessary. Stay NC for 2 months. I would let him know that you need to go NC, so that you can heel and that he can have space. I would ask him to respect your wishes on this (dont say anything about two months). Once you have established you are both NC, you HAVE to stick to it. Don't go to the same things (concerts/bars/hobbies etc etc) or hang out with mutual friends. Believe me the more you chase him and crowd him, the further you will push him away. The experts say it takes two months to digest everything from a relationship and to start thinking logically and rationally again. No matter how hard it gets, do not break No Contact. He will probably come back.. Use this two months to work on yourself (just you). Show him what he is really missing. Get to the gym and get in the best shape of your life. Read relationship/self help books so that you can learn more about yourself and the overall relationship. Taking a cooking class (nothing more sexy then a great cook), as you said above if you can afford a car get it. Show him the best version of you. In 2 months if he hasn't come back, then arrange to cook him that dinner with your new skills. Wear the best dress you have and show him the new body you will have toned up in the gym. After that it is in the lap of the gods. I get you don't want to hear my 'reality rehab' so above is the best way to win him back. If it doesn't work then you will have to leave him go, but at least you will have given it your best shot and you will be able to get a better sense of closure. Here is a previous thread I wrote about No Contact.. "There is a great section in the book getting past your breakup called The Rules of disengagement, which is basically a chapter written about 'No Contact'. The first thing you must do to be successful at NC is affirmatively decide you are not going to contact your ex NO MATTER WHAT. You must make a contract with yourself to stop doing it, which means you must sit with the uncomfortable emotions until they pass. You must decide that you will not call, instant message or email your ex. You will not check his or her Facebook or Myspace page. This contract with yourself means that you will not put yourself in places where you could have an "accidental meeting" with your ex. You will decide that even if you think you have every reason in the world to connect, you will think it through and talk it through with your family and friends. Therefore not acting on it immediately. There are normally 7 reasons that keep us stuck in a rut, that makes us want to break NC. These reasons are listed below.. 1) Why can't we be friends . After a breakup the work each person has to do is lose the couple identity. Each person needs to establish again his or hers identity and no longer see themselves as part of the couple they once were. Therefore being friends in the aftermath of a breakup is a complete NO NO! The atmosphere is too emtionally charged. You both need time to get yourselves together. If you leave each other alone initially you may come back later as saner, more grounded people with a better chance of being friends. But right now you need to concentrate on yourself and your healing.. 2) I Must have Closure . You may have many questions, but you need to accept that some will never get answered. Even if you have questions that seem to drive you crazy, you must decide that the answers don't matter, probably won't make sense, probably aren't going to satisfy you and are not going to give you any sense of closure. It is your responsibility to accept that you may have to close this chapter without answers, explanations, and without input from someone else. It is not only possible for you to survive without the answers but it's necessary. Staying in the questions, repeating them and ruminating over the possible answers will only keep you stuck. Despite your fervent belief that somehow one final scene with your ex will lead to closure, it will not. You don't need to know what your ex thinks or why your ex did this or that, to move on. If you want closure, you need to do the grief work, intergrate the experience into your life and turn the page. That is how closure happens...FROM WITHIN.. 3) I just need to make sense of it all" and I just have one more thing to say to you before I let go" ...You may think that if you can just talk sense into your ex, then everything will be fine. You may have heard illogical or unreasonable explanations that left you stunned and speechless at the time, but now they go round and round in your head and you can think of a thousand rebuttals to them all. As you ruminate on the things your ex said, you come up with reasons your ex is wrong, and then you start to imagine how having a change to talk things out will resolve all the misunderstandings. It becomes your impassioned belief that you can have a conversation and turn the wrongheadedness around. If your ex dumped you and you think it was the wrong thing to do, he or she needs to figure that out. You can't be the one to "fix" your ex's thinking. The bottom line is that if your ex see's things in a cockeyed way now, he or she is going to continue to see things the same way whenever you are not around to correct this twisted prespective. It takes hard work and constant vigilance to keep someone "thinking correctly", and you don't want that kind of responsibility or control. The fact is you need to accept that you have been with someone whose approach to life is simply incompatible to yours. Perhaps it was evident that you thought in different ways, saw the world differently, and operated on irreconcilable differences but you chose to ignore it or worked hard to correct it. You can't ignore dissimilar viewpoints any longer. Accept the fact that you think differently and let it go so you can find someone whose way of thinking is compatible with yours. 4) I want to be available for reconciliation . Sometimes people don't acknowledge that they are staying in touch to keep hope of reconciliation alive. Examining your quest for contact and being honest about your real intentions will help you stop making excuses to make contact. Even if it is your fervent hope that you will reconcile, taking a break and going NC will help you regardless of what happens down the line. You both have been through a trying time, and you must face that a break will do each of you the world of good. Now is the time to reassess where you've been and where you are going, even if you are going there together. You will need to take stock of yourself and the relationship so that you can figure out what went wrong and what needs to go right in future. Until communicate ends (and it should end for at least 60 days and until your ex reaches out (you should never be the one that reaches out) it is impossible to do that. Even if you do reconcile, the relationship you knew has ended, so you must grieve for the relationship has passed and move on from what once was. Because if you do reconcile (and the odds are long against) it has to be different than it was before or it will just fail. Again. 5) I just need to give this stuff back ...People become very creative in finding ways to stay in contact with their exe's. One of the most innocent ploys you hear about is when one person insists on retrieving something - a piece of clothing, a household item that belongs to him or her. Think about how important the item really is. If you need to return it, put it in a box and mail it. No note, no nothing. If you are the one who wants it, think about it. Is it worth more than your sanity?Probably not. Making a clean break is important, so clear up loose ends immediately. Avoid keeping anything or leaving anything that can be asked for later on. If you still have things return them. If there are things you have left behind ask for them once more (if its important to you) otherwise forget it and move on. 6) Im just so Horny! Continuing a physical relationship after giving up the committed relationship and its inherent respondsibilities is a prescription for trouble. Do not buy into "friends with benefits" scenarios. Benefits must have corresponding respondsibilites and if they don't you are using each other. So stop it and grow up. There is no such thing as "friends with benefits". There is only friends who have no idea what they're doing to the detriment of themselves and each other. Don't do it with your ex or anyone else for that matter. Conduct your life with dignity, and don't give away anything unless the person you're giving it to takes some responsibility toward you, especially if he or she is an ex lover. If it's dead bury it. Don't sleep with it. 7) We run in the same circles. There are many situations where full NC is impossible. In this case, NC means that you don't speak unless it's necessary and you don't use bumping into each other as an excuse to call, email or text later on. Work/College breakups are very difficult. It is hard to be prefessional when everyone knows your business. You might need to draw some lines with your ex and agree on saying nothing at work/college about the breakup. The last thing you need at the office/class everyday is all your colleagues gossiping about you. Try to talk to your ex about the ground rules for discussing the relationship at work before the rumour mill gets going. Agree to keep it very business like, and only share your personal pain with close friends who do not work/study with your ex. Keep the boundaries very clear. Focus on you not him/her, keep your side of the street clean even if your ex doesn't. I am now nearly 2 months NC. I have nearly broke NC quite a few times. Happily I didn't. Here are a few things I did when I was close to breaking NC 1) Write a journal/diary first thought that was in my head. Don't edit it.. 2) Write Letters to my ex that I am never going to send.. 3) Call a friend of family member for support and Vent on LS.. 4) Take a long hot bath.. 5) Picked up some new hobbies or really focused on the stuff I love doing. During my relationship and the afermath, I lost my passion for alot of things I used to love. I went out and got my passion back.. 6) Go for a long scenic walk.. 7) Go to the gym.. 8) Pampered myself. Went off to a hotel for the day in the country with 2 bottles of cheap champagne. Happy days! 9) When I started to overthinking about my ex and her faults/behaviour, I reeled myself back and focused on me again.. 10) Wrote short term and long term goals and tick them off one by one.. Remember continuing to seek contact or respond to contact just keeps you stuck and adds to your hurt. It's counterproductive to building a new and meaningful life. We all deserve better.. " Edited August 8, 2011 by Mack05
Author serviceduck Posted August 14, 2011 Author Posted August 14, 2011 @Mack05 It's been about a week since I've posted here. I was taking your advice and staying with no contact. Had not heard a peep from my ex. He hadn't been using facebook much. But a couple of days ago, I had a fair bit of fb activity with talking to my friends. It appears as soon as he saw me being active on fb, he started too because he started acting unusual and posting about plans for things to do on his friends wall. Yesterday I had a few friends post on my wall if I was going out last night and I also had a status about going to our city's popular annual fair/show/exhibition, and a few people commented on it. So I checked Facebook this afternoon and see he has posted on his friends wall "hey bro, it was nice putting on that bra with you last night. talk soon xoxo" his friend wrote back saying "yeh thanks (insert girls name) for the hospitality". He also made a sexist remark about females on that same friends status. (Note:the guys to guys 'xoxo' - mockery of how females speak to each other - went out of fashion a long time ago, so Im not sure why he would use it) I asked my male friend and he said that this is my ex's way of showing he's tough and his way of convincing himself he's fine without me. Do you agree? I know he is 'winning' by it affecting me so much. But I would like to know what he hopes to achieve by posting that when he knows I will see it through the mutual friend. Also, my ex is not that type of guy at all. You can gauge from my previous posts that he's very affectionate and caring and hugely protective and would stand up for women in any situation. He has never tried to make me jealous and was a very jealous type himself so I showed the same respect to him. What is going on?
WindWhisperer Posted August 14, 2011 Posted August 14, 2011 I AM SO SO SO RELIEVED I AM NOT THE ONLY ONE. My ex and I have been broken up for a week. He only ended it on facebook this morning. It is day 7 And it is difficult. He had the G.I.G.S syndrome too. It got hectic for him, realised he wasnt happy with his life and needed to sort him self out. Now that I look at it, its more of he needs to grow up. What you are going through is the exact same as me. I shouldnt have hung on the fb thing but I did...and I am crushed all over again. I believe in the No Contact because... HE ENDED IT WITH YOU! Always remember that. If you run after him it will just give him an excuse and reason to do it again. So 1 of 2 things can happen here: 1. After NC he realises what a douche he is, what he is missing, how important you are and that he wants you in his life and is willing to do ANYTHING to make it work. And the relationship will be based on YOUR TERMS! 2. He doesnt. He doesnt contact you. Its over for good and you move on and find someone who will never leave you. This is how I see it. I dont have any hope now so I have to continue with my life even though it is in shambles at the moment. I have feelings of weakness I do...but I call a friend instead. Also...just a suggestion. Stay away from facebook. I have realised that when it comes to break ups...its a killer and will just make you hurt more. You are going to analyse EVERYTHING he does and everything he says and it wont be good...will probably make you feel worse. I did this morning and I regret it. After he ended the relationship he had the most random update. Something about him being MIA and to contact his friend if anyone sees him. Then I sat for an hour analyzing every little possible thing. It doesnt help that I am friends with his sister. She saw it, told me she was sorry and that he was extremely drunk last night. I told her that I love our friendship but for my own good she must not tell me what he is doing, where is is going etc. Im in pain I am not strong but I know you and I have to focus on OURSELVES right now. We did the best we could...nothing that happened is our fault. It is THERE Issue to deal with. @YuGr and @Mack Thank you so much for the indepth advice here. It helped me a lot AND I will continue coming here to see your points of view. I would have messaged you both but I am a new member and cant do that yet
Mack05 Posted August 14, 2011 Posted August 14, 2011 (edited) This is my last post here Serviceduck for about 3-6 months. I was where u are but I have come out it and now that I am in a great place. I can't help people the way I used to be able to. I hope things work out for you, as you seem like a great girl and a really kind hearted person. See below what I previously posted in this thread. "There is a great section in the book getting past your breakup called The Rules of disengagement, which is basically a chapter written about 'No Contact'. The first thing you must do to be successful at NC is affirmatively decide you are not going to contact your ex NO MATTER WHAT. You must make a contract with yourself to stop doing it, which means you must sit with the uncomfortable emotions until they pass. You must decide that you will not call, instant message or email your ex. You will not check his or her Facebook or Myspace page. This contract with yourself means that you will not put yourself in places where you could have an "accidental meeting" with your ex. You will decide that even if you think you have every reason in the world to connect, you will think it through and talk it through with your family and friends. Therefore not acting on it immediately. You need to remove him as a friend on Facebook or temporarily block all his posts appearing on your Newsfeed. Right now you two are game playing with each other. Back and forth, tit for tat. The temptation to keep checking is too much, you need to remove yourself from this temptation. My ex blocked me and I can't thank her enough, as it's helped my healing an incredible amount. I'm not exaggerating when I say it probably saved me months of extra hurt and grieve. I haven't a clue what she was doing or who she was doing it with and it's been fantastic for my recovery. It enabled me to heal fully and move on in peace. To more you keep tabs on him, the more you are going to get hurt. Believe me...It's best not to know. You need to get your power back to you and away from him. I would block him and defriend him on Facebook, so he knows that you no longer what to see his updates. If he breaks NC you don't reply, NO MATTER WHAT (this will be so hard, but you cannot reply). Trust me that will drive him demented. He likes having the power, likes dangling you on a string. As soon as he see's you ain't playing ball he will not like it, because it's an ego thing for him. You need to make him miss you and this is the best way. I have stated a few times Service this man is not ready for a mature, nourishing healthy relationship. I hope for your sake, he actually doesn't come back as he will just hurt you over and over again. I know his type. I'm sure he is not a bad guy, but he is not emotionally ready to give you what you deserve. But having said that, I know u just desperately want to try again with him no matter what the evidence says to the contrary. The best way to get him to come back is going complete and utter NC (no social networks, no talking to friends in common about you both, no talking to his mother, no texts, emails, calls). What I am asking is extremely hard but this is the best way to make him see sense. You need to show him you are a strong independent woman that doesn't need him. You need to show him that you respect yourself and that you have high self confidence. Keep working on yourself Physically, emotionally, Spiritually (if that is your thing). Use this time to make more of an effort with family and friends. Try not to talk about him all the time. Below is a guide how to help you move on..Hope it helps.. 1) Is it really over? Maybe he's testing you? Maybe you're testing him? Maybe this is the 10th time you've 'broken up' in as many months? Only you know if this really is the end, but if it is, take your fingers off the keypad. "You need to talk about it," says Kate Taylor, relationship expert at match.com. "But not to him. Repeat, not to him." 2) Chat to new your girfriends. "Instead of spending hours crafting the perfect 'casual, yet meaningful...' text message to your ex, spend the time talking it out with your girlfriends instead," says Taylor. "Female friends are perfect, as they'll be sympathetic and supportive and will encourage you to get everything emotional out in the open." That's a good thing, apparently. 3) Clean him out. We don't mean financially. We mean, clean him out of your life, or if that's impossible, at least get rid of reminders of him from your home. It will be painful, and there'll always be the temptation to stare mournfully at old photos wondering about what might have been. But it's for the best, because from now on it's your space again."If the whole place reminds you of him, move some furniture around, redecorate, or make small changes like covering the sofa in a new throw," says Taylor. "Ask your female friends what a 'throw' is," she adds, unhelpfully. This won't just stop you being surrounded by memories. Apparently, novelty helps boost your brain's dopamine stores, which will lift your mood 4) Get Fit. Breaking up is not just one long dark night of the soul, even if sometimes it feels like it. There are opportunities for self-improvement too, and one of them is to get fit, which will make you feel better about yourself, your body and life in general. In fact, a good idea is to hit the gym on those occasions when you used to see him, which can be the most maudlin times of all. "Channel your misery into physical activity - running, cross-training, rowing, swimming... anything where you can challenge yourself," says Taylor. "It will release naturally anti-depressant endorphins, distract your mind from repetitive ex-thoughts, and put you in an environment filled with fit, attractive men." This last point is important. You might not feel like dating right now, but seeing those hard-bodied hunks will at least make you realise that - wonderful though he was... is.... whatever - he isn't the only guy in the world. 5) Do New stuff. Play chess, learn to cook, join the work squash league, start collecting model trains...anything. Apparently, we can only hold seven thoughts at one time. If you fill your brain up with other stuff, you'll slowly squeeze out thoughts of your ex. And of course during one or two of those activities you might meet other men... not that you're interested in any of that. Yet 6) Get ahead work/school wise. One way to squeeze thoughts of him out of your head is to ask for new tasks at work, which has the added bonus of making you look conscientious and hard working and putting you in line for a promotion. Throwing yourself into work, like hitting the gym, is one way to get positives out of what at first looks like a wholly negative event. "Not only will new challenges break up your daily routine, but it will be a positive distraction," says Taylor. "It doesn't matter if it's driven by wanting to impress your ex at the start - 'If I get a brilliant new job, he'll want me back' - this will be short lived."As time passes, you'll enjoy the new challenge for itself and success at work will boost your self-esteem." 7) Take an evening class to boost your career skills, or a weekend course to learn a new language. Again, it's a good idea to schedule this kind of stuff for the times you used to see him, to emphasise the psychological boost of squeezing positive benefits from a bad situation. 8) Do the things he hates. No, not ringing him repeatedly at four in the morning and threatening his goldfish - these things will get you a court order. Instead, do all the stuff that you really like doing but he hated, just to prove that life without him won't be all bad. For example, if he loved beach holidays, book a city break with a mate. That way you won't be tempted to spend the whole time wondering what you'd be doing if he was with you. In the same vein, watch favourite films you know he didn't like, go to old man pubs rather than the swanky bars he preferred, and wear the jeans you love but he turned her nose up at. 9) In fact, talk to The guys. Once you're over the initial shock of the break-up, your male friends become an invaluable resource for fun and forgetting (not so much straight away, when female friends may be more useful - see above)."Later on, your male mates will come into their own, teasing you to cheer you up and taking you back out on the town," says Taylor. And by confiding in them, bantering with them and being out with them, you reinforce the bonds of your friendship. Another positive of your break-up may be the opportunity to reconnect with the friends who will be with you as boyfriends come and go. Slowly but surely, get back in the game...Only you'll know when it's the right time to date again, and there's nothing wrong in taking it very slowly indeed. As long as you're honest and up front, it's OK to look for no-strings arrangements, too."It's alright to take things slow for a while and allow a bit of time to regain your confidence. Online dating can be a great way of doing this as it gives you the chance to connect with new people even when you're perhaps not quite up to that first date just yet," says Taylor. 10) And by the time you're thinking about other men, however tentatively, you can breathe a huge sigh of relief. You're over the worst, and you've broken up without breaking down. You've even made yourself a better catch in the process. It's been a long road, but you've come a long way baby! Edited August 14, 2011 by Mack05
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