Disbelief - Will he show up at my door?

August 4, 2011

My boyfriend/soul mate of 1 year broke up with me the monday night just passed. Today is day 3 without him. Imagine the most perfect relationship you can.. that was us. He has a very stressful 10-12hr per day job and in the last 3 weeks has really been feeling the exhaustion and defeat of it all. We only ever fought once a month about how I would get upset when I couldn't see him, even though I stayed at his house every night. He is 24 and I am 19. The age difference never meant anything as I am surprisingly mature for my age and he has the excitability of a 4 month old puppy. We had one of these arguments the night before he broke up with me. I, nor seemingly him, expected he would do this though. He always told me not to threaten breaking up as leverage in an argument as he would never leave me. We had countless in depth discussions about our future with marriage (he knew how he was going to propose) and about children (everything baby topic you can imagine). We have been inseperable since our 2nd date. He told everyone close to him that I was it, I was what he had been searching for, and everyone knows just how long and hard he has searched. The night he did it, he told me how much he loved me and how perfect I was for him but that he couldnt handle all the emotion whilst he is so depressed and stressed. He said he didnt want anyone else, he knew he wouldnt ever find anyone like me, and was going to write a reminder letter to himself never to enter a relationship again. This man breaking up with me was not the man I know. Yes he is known to be manic, make rapid decisions, have ups and downs, and be indecisive, but nobody ever expected this. Everyone is in absolute shock. We used to have strangers at parties come up and tell us how perfect we looked together. He went away for a month earlier this year and whilst he was away, his mother (who I was also very close to, and she would call me her to-be daughter-in-law), went to a psychic who told her that her younger son (my boyfriend) has met his perfect match. They compliment each other perfectly, and they get along like two peas in a pod. she said they will have a falling out soon but all will be resolved and I see them staying together. Do I hold onto that prediction? Once he has destressed and had time to think without me around, and had time to miss me (I have done complete no contact since the second he drove away) will he realise what he has done? I wish I could share the whole story but it's just too long. Feel free to ask any questions that could help you help me.

The man I know would come to my door crying in the middle of the night if he thought he had lost me, but I just dont know which man will prevail. The one I know, or the currently depressed one.

Will he show up at my door when he realises the mistake he has made?

August 4, 2011

Keep up the no contact for sure. In this case he's obviously confused and perhaps he doesn't even want to break up with you he just did it because he has so much on his plate right now. Keeping it no contact is the way to go, by doing so it'll enable him to see the bigger picture and see what he values the most. I'm not trying to give you false hope, but it's just what I think from the information you've provided.

Also you seem to stress quite a bit how a lot of people think you guys are perfect together.. Honestly there's just no such thing, -> Don't take your relationship nor him for granted thinking that nothing bad will ever happen, because that's just when it will... Such as now :/

Good luck! Let him clear his mind and get his stuff together.

-Mike

August 4, 2011

Keep up the no contact for sure. In this case he's obviously confused and perhaps he doesn't even want to break up with you he just did it because he has so much on his plate right now. Keeping it no contact is the way to go, by doing so it'll enable him to see the bigger picture and see what he values the most. I'm not trying to give you false hope, but it's just what I think from the information you've provided.

Also you seem to stress quite a bit how a lot of people think you guys are perfect together.. Honestly there's just no such thing, -> Don't take your relationship nor him for granted thinking that nothing bad will ever happen, because that's just when it will... Such as now :/

Good luck! Let him clear his mind and get his stuff together.

-Mike

Thanks for replying Mike, I really appreciate it. I mean, my friends are here for me and my family is here for me, but it really helps to hear a strangers point of view. I had written pretty much an essay of everything that occured but it deleted itself when i attempted to post it... GUH! Anyway, I can definitely understand where you are coming from about the pressure of perfection concept. I was really guarded before entering this relationship because I was afraid of getting hurt again. But as things progressed I obviously fell in love and as you may know, when youre in love, all youre concerned for is the person youre in love with, so perfection is bliss. But yes, when it comes back to bite, it really leaves a sting!

As for your first remarks, I am on the exact same train of thought as you. I believe, as well as my mum (who happens to be a psychologist and knows my ex very well also), that he has gone into a panic and needed to find an instant way out so has tried to eliminate what he thought was the source of his stress..me... when actually its his job. He is a vet. Depression in that area of work is extremely high and he knows it. He had a panic attack only 2 weeks ago when I was in Melbourne with my girlfriends for a week. He called me breathless and didnt make any sense. I had to calm him down. My feeling is that this is a repeat event, and he may come to regret his decision once his emotions settle. But I have no idea how long that will be.

Some other issues to deal with in the next few days/weeks:

- I know he has not been on facebook. This makes me think he isnt going too well, as he usually jumps on fb to calm down after work....so that leads me to this:

- facebook relationship status change (make it publically 'single' or make it private and change it so nobody sees?.. what will he think about each option)

- getting my stuff back. He said his mother would help us out. but then he said he would say goodbye to my family when he dropped my things back. which is it, his mum or him? what do I do if its him? how do I act?

- if he calls, I obviously wont know what for. Do I answer? - it may be about swapping our stuff or it could be the news i so badly want to hear.

note: i have received 3 texts from mutual friends all saying how sorry they are and they hope I'm okay and that they are there for me if i need them. I know he has only told 3 people directly, and the rest know through filtered knowledge. Each time I get a new message, I feel like its more and more set in stone... would he be telling people if he was uncertain about his choice? maybe he needs to, to help process it himself?

August 4, 2011

Keep up the no contact for sure. In this case he's obviously confused and perhaps he doesn't even want to break up with you he just did it because he has so much on his plate right now. Keeping it no contact is the way to go, by doing so it'll enable him to see the bigger picture and see what he values the most. I'm not trying to give you false hope, but it's just what I think from the information you've provided.

Also you seem to stress quite a bit how a lot of people think you guys are perfect together.. Honestly there's just no such thing, -> Don't take your relationship nor him for granted thinking that nothing bad will ever happen, because that's just when it will... Such as now :/

Good luck! Let him clear his mind and get his stuff together.

-Mike

Thanks for replying Mike, I really appreciate it. I mean, my friends are here for me and my family is here for me, but it really helps to hear a strangers point of view. I had written pretty much an essay of everything that occured but it deleted itself when i attempted to post it... GUH! Anyway, I can definitely understand where you are coming from about the pressure of perfection concept. I was really guarded before entering this relationship because I was afraid of getting hurt again. But as things progressed I obviously fell in love and as you may know, when youre in love, all youre concerned for is the person youre in love with, so perfection is bliss. But yes, when it comes back to bite, it really leaves a sting!

As for your first remarks, I am on the exact same train of thought as you. I believe, as well as my mum (who happens to be a psychologist and knows my ex very well also), that he has gone into a panic and needed to find an instant way out so has tried to eliminate what he thought was the source of his stress..me... when actually its his job. He is a vet. Depression in that area of work is extremely high and he knows it. He had a panic attack only 2 weeks ago when I was in Melbourne with my girlfriends for a week. He called me breathless and didnt make any sense. I had to calm him down. My feeling is that this is a repeat event, and he may come to regret his decision once his emotions settle. But I have no idea how long that will be.

Some other issues to deal with in the next few days/weeks:

- I know he has not been on facebook. This makes me think he isnt going too well, as he usually jumps on fb to calm down after work....so that leads me to this:

- facebook relationship status change (make it publically 'single' or make it private and change it so nobody sees?.. what will he think about each option)

- getting my stuff back. He said his mother would help us out. but then he said he would say goodbye to my family when he dropped my things back. which is it, his mum or him? what do I do if its him? how do I act?

- if he calls, I obviously wont know what for. Do I answer? - it may be about swapping our stuff or it could be the news i so badly want to hear.

note: i have received 3 texts from mutual friends all saying how sorry they are and they hope I'm okay and that they are there for me if i need them. I know he has only told 3 people directly, and the rest know through filtered knowledge. Each time I get a new message, I feel like its more and more set in stone... would he be telling people if he was uncertain about his choice? maybe he needs to, to help process it himself?

*** new news, hes been on facebook as I see that he has now selected 'attending' to an upcoming music festival

August 4, 2011

I understand how you feel. The love of my life broke up with me and I was a complete mess. He said i'm the perfect girl, he is still in love, i'm his best friend, but he needs to be alone. He needs to figure out what he wants in life etc. Im devestated still.

My VERY best advice, if you want to be with him in the future, is this. Do not contact him. He obviously needs space, even though he loves you. By doing this, you are showing that you respect him and want what is best for him. Be a friend to him, he is going through a hard time. But most of all, take care of yourself. Do things every day that make you feel better about YOU. Take this time to enjoy being alone. So that if, or when, he comes back, you are mentally stable and feeling more confident than ever. Most importantly, if he doesn't come back, you will be making yourself a better person and feel better. Rather than be a mess, waiting and waiting. I truly hope it works out for you.

Do you mind helping me? Im in the same boat...

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t290729/

August 4, 2011

I understand how you feel. The love of my life broke up with me and I was a complete mess. He said i'm the perfect girl, he is still in love, i'm his best friend, but he needs to be alone. He needs to figure out what he wants in life etc. Im devestated still.

My VERY best advice, if you want to be with him in the future, is this. Do not contact him. He obviously needs space, even though he loves you. By doing this, you are showing that you respect him and want what is best for him. Be a friend to him, he is going through a hard time. But most of all, take care of yourself. Do things every day that make you feel better about YOU. Take this time to enjoy being alone. So that if, or when, he comes back, you are mentally stable and feeling more confident than ever. Most importantly, if he doesn't come back, you will be making yourself a better person and feel better. Rather than be a mess, waiting and waiting. I truly hope it works out for you.

Do you mind helping me? Im in the same boat...
http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t290729/

I agree with everything said here other than the ''be a friend'' part.. For obvious reasons.. Can't be a friend to somebody you're/were in love with.

@serviceduck

Facebook: Don't cause him more stress or play those kind of games. Just change your facebook status discretely to nothing or single.

As for him getting into contact with you on the phone or in person.. As hard and as bad as it sounds to you right now, act like it's okay. Who do you think he'd want back more, the desperate for him girl who looks like hell from a break up, or the happy good looking girl? Don't rub it in his face though, that's obnoxious and if anything will just push him away even more..

Just act regular, answer regular things, just be normal.. But don't look depressed or desperate. Don't try talking about the situation or how he's feeling or any of those things.. Just be rational and say something along the lines of ''Take care of yourself'' and that's it. That's the best odds you have of him coming back to you in my opinion.. And who knows if he see's how you're not bringing it up and being desperate for him in the moment of him saying bye to your family or whatever it is that's happening he might bring up the topic himself.. If not, then he'll remember you as the last time he saw you.. Which should be positive things.. not ''I can get her back so easily''

My2Cents

Edited August 4, 2011 by YuGr.

August 4, 2011

@ Mike.

Literally just woke up and the memory that it isn't a dream just hit me again like a bulldozer! I started to panic, what if he forgets me? What if he's okay with never seeing me again? Will NC remove my lasting impression on him? Then I checked Facebook and email, and had no up dates which he has been on without changing anything, even his very obvious profile picture. But then I came on here and your words, though ive heard similar already, really put me in my place. It's so helpful to have a males perspective. My intuition was to change the fb rel. Status discreetly too. My friends thinks that publically displaying myself as single will really hit it home for him though but something inside me just says to keep it clean. Maybe it's because I don want to hurt him or because I still hope he's coming back, I don't know. But I'm doing it tonight or tomorrow morning. Do you think him seeing that I've done it will deter him from coming around if he had the smallest thoughts to do so????

As for the physical communication if and when I see him... I agree that to be civil and respecting is the way to go. Its will be a way of avoiding feeding the fire, and it will give him mo new material to work with... So that may take him by surprise, as I'm usually very emotionally driven. What does it mean that he hasn't tried to get any of my stuff back to me yet even on his day off after the night it happened??? Wouldn't he want to rip off the situation like a bandaid/plaster? I hope this no contact and non emotional version of myself draws him in soon! I mean, how long does each step of feelings take?... I pressume at first he would have been in shock, then perhaps guilt, then remorse which may still be happening, and then possibly missing my presence, but when does he decide what to do with the feelings of missing me, thats what I so badly want to know!

August 4, 2011

@mike.

Ps. If he does show up and I still have my charm bracelet on which I have worn 24/7 since about a year ago, is that a bad sign to him? It has 4 charms about him and only the most recent is from my Melbourne trip. Just curious what impression he would get?

August 4, 2011

Haha Ohh dearrr you're over thinking every detail so much! I don't blame you at all, in fact would be quite hypocrite of me to do so

First off I understand that right now the only thing you care about is how he feels and what he thinks and how he'll react, but you have try to concentrate on yourself too.. Because at the end of the day you're the main character of your own life.

With that being said..:

No contact will enable him to really see what he values as I mentioned. It enables him to see the bigger picture.. Sometimes when you're tangled in a mess that he seems to be in, taking a step back and looking at it from a distance really clears your mind up. Now whether that will push him away or make him come back, well I can't answer that.. However I may tell you that whatever he chooses, at least it will be chosen with a clear mind and it'll be really what he wants and in the end you have to respect it. Now look at this way, don't you rather let him realize his mistake and come to you on his own, or do you rather WIN him back because you made him jealous or for any other reasons?

I think if you show it a lot that you're no longer in a relationship on facebook, it might indeed deter him from coming around.. (Keep in mind I'm trying to help you from what I know from YOUR relationship and the type of guy he seems to be. Because it works both ways.. Yes perhaps it will stop him from coming back, but on the other hand if he really wants you he'll fight for it. For this case I think he seems to be the kind of guy who might not want to run after you... (Just my feeling right now, correct me if I'm wrong)). But regardless, he needs to meet you half way. Don't put any song lyrics as your status or anything like that, keep your profile not so active just to play it safe if you're unsure. Don't try anything unless you really know it'll work..

I can't answer Why he hasn't tried getting your stuff back to you yet.. only idea's that come to mind is perhaps he was busy, maybe he doesn't want to let go? perhaps he's still doubtful about his decision and he'll feel like there's really no turning back once he does (personally that's how I felt when my ex brought my stuff back to my house). But that's just me.

There's no When.. He's deciding every second since the break up.. He'll just follow his brain and his heart and do what's best for him.. Although I know it's still very recent wound, I suggest you start doing the same. Try giving yourself a bit more attention than him, although I know it seems impossible at the moment.

As for the bracelet, if I was him and I'd see it, I'd right away know you still care and I could get you back in a second if I wanted to. DO NOT let him think that he can turn around on this decision if he really keeps going through with it. No matter how badly you want him, don't forget he's a guy. Whether people like to admit it or not, everybody wants what they can't have, and everybody takes what they (can) have for granted. I'm not telling you to 'play' hard to get, simply don't make him believe he can get you back in a finger snap. Even if he could, he shall not know this

He might come back as you're reading this, he might come back in a week, in 6 months, or in 20 years or never.. It's impossible to know. All I know is that in the end it's always right, so if it's not right, then it's not the end.

Keep the updates coming

Edited August 4, 2011 by YuGr.

August 4, 2011

You are correct, it is definitely me to keep re-hashing the same information over and over again until it makes sense. I agree with everything you just said, with the obvious exception of "For this case I think he seems to be the kind of guy who might not want to run after you... (Just my feeling right now, correct me if I'm wrong))".... The man I knew before this happened would run after me in an instant which is why I keep expecting him to show up at my door in tears. I think, like you said, this time a part will give him some clarity and help him see things from a distance instead of being so caught up in the emotion. We were so close. We did the classic finishing each others sentences, and quoting each others thoughts, we knew when the other was in deep thought and when something wasn't right. Our biological chemistry was blatantly obvious. It's almost as if we had to embrace to re-charge our batteries, as such. During the break up, he was emotionless. Even though he wouldnt let me turn the car light on, he looked sick. His cheeks and eyes were sunken in. His eyes were glasses over. It's like he was detached from everything. Like my first post said, he told me he loved everything about me with all his heart and soul and I was the perfect girl for him and he would never find anyone else like me and didnt ever want to, but just couldnt handle the emotion while he is so depressed. He just said an outright 'no' to any suggestion I gave about fixing things. It's so odd because when I got in the car, we had a hello kiss, he put out his hand for me to hold as usual and we were talking about his day. Then all of a sudden this cr*p started and he only got more and more sure of what he was saying. But he did say he didnt know how or why he was actually doing it. He protected me so much, and he told me I was the best thing that had ever happened to him, over and over throughout our relationship. He would roll over in the middle of the night and stroke my face and say "im so so lucky! im just so lucky". In the car that night, he told me we couldnt be friends and that he would never contact me again, not in 2 days, 2 months, 2 years or 20 years. He said there were no rules with contacting his family or friends though. He gave me 3 hugs and a closed kissed on my lips, coming back for another each time one finished. Eventually he got in the car and drove away slowly whilst watching me with the most intent expression, like he was trying to commit me to memory. I could go on and on, but it's probably best for my own sanity that I do not.

Will keep you posted Mike!

August 6, 2011

@Mike.

Here's an update about no updates.

- have not received any more texts or messages from anybody

- know he hasnt told any more people than last update

- has not contacted me about our stuff

- has not been on facebok again (as hasnt changed the obvious profile pic, and theres no recent activity)

- I changed the fb rel. status yesterday morning very discretely and there's been no activity in relation to that

- know he went fishing with a mutual friend last night, and the mutual friend is currently online, do I wait for them to talk to me?

- why is there such low action??.. I would have thought if he was so keen to rid me from his life and start healing despite his love for me, he would be trying to remove all evidence of me asap.

Hope this is entertaining haha

August 6, 2011

@Mike.

Here's an update about no updates.
- have not received any more texts or messages from anybody
- know he hasnt told any more people than last update
- has not contacted me about our stuff
- has not been on facebok again (as hasnt changed the obvious profile pic, and theres no recent activity)
- I changed the fb rel. status yesterday morning very discretely and there's been no activity in relation to that
- know he went fishing with a mutual friend last night, and the mutual friend is currently online, do I wait for them to talk to me?
- why is there such low action??.. I would have thought if he was so keen to rid me from his life and start healing despite his love for me, he would be trying to remove all evidence of me asap.

Hope this is entertaining haha

Haha it is indeed, and I'm sure it helps you getting through this so it's the least I can do to help somebody

Don't forget he seemed to have broken up with you with a lot going on in his life, too much. It wouldn't of made much sense for him to break up with you and make it more stressful, it would've defeated the purpose.. The less action there is the more you know he wasn't giving you a B.S. reason to break up.. And only confirms that he needed a break and relax. I would take the lack of activity as a good sign.

August 6, 2011

Like my first post said, he told me he loved everything about me with all his heart and soul and I was the perfect girl for him and he would never find anyone else like me and didnt ever want to, but just couldnt handle the emotion while he is so depressed. He just said an outright 'no' to any suggestion I gave about fixing things. It's so odd because when I got in the car, we had a hello kiss, he put out his hand for me to hold as usual and we were talking about his day. Then all of a sudden this cr*p started and he only got more and more sure of what he was saying. But he did say he didnt know how or why he was actually doing it. He protected me so much, and he told me I was the best thing that had ever happened to him, over and over throughout our relationship.

Ok, serviceduck, Im sorry that this happened to you but I really want you to read the post in my signature on Grass is Greener Syndrome. This will give you an explanation into whats going on.

I honestly think hes gaslighting you with what you posted and I bolded. In your previous post, you stated your mother who was a psychologist thought that the relationship and you were stressing him out. I do not think you were stressing him out, I think he was doing something else that caused himself to distance himself from you.

I honestly do not think you did anything wrong in the relationship so do not blame yourself. It just happens. I have done what he has done. Homebrew who created the GIGS thread has done what he has done. I can tell you what I did and you can read what he did. If you have any questions, I have been on both sides of the GIGS breakup. I am on yourside now and I know how painful and the thousands of questions you have going through your mind. I had them too. I am over 2 months out of this breakup and almost 7 weeks no contact.

I have a lot of experience with this. I watched 2 of my friends relationships end within the past 3 weeks, the same way, this has happened to my father over 30 years ago.

You have to go NC for your own well being and healing. Read the GIGS thread, ask questions, PM me if you have to

Edited August 6, 2011 by wilsonx

August 6, 2011

@ALL

News... (very long story short)

He called me at 11am this morning. Didnt sound too good. Wanted to apologise for not calling earlier and said he had a rough week and wanted to know if he could come round and drop my stuff over and say goodbye to my family. I basically agreed.

He came round, burst into tears when he saw my mum. Burst into tears again when he saw me. Lunged at me and embraced me tightly.

I just gave him a normal hug back.

He pulled away and said "I saw you changed facebook" I said "yes.. umm.. I tried to do it discretely".

We decided to go for a walk. Over an hour or so, the convo basically boiled down to that he convinced himself to do this and its breaking his heart but thinks it the only way he can be happy.

He said he knows ill move on and find a guy who can treat me just a well.

He explained again that he never wants anyone else, ever.

He wouldnt let me touch him as it would "make it harder".

He commented that I looked great but skinny and need to eat and gave me a playful punch on the arm.

I tried 3 different approaches: calm and collected, emotional and crying, and then accepting of the whole thing.

During my calm stage, i asked him was he feeling better. he said yes. he said he had had a great week in terms of being able to sleep 9 hr nights, be able to go to gym every night, and see his friends when he wants.

(This will relief will pass I think)

During my emotional stage, I told him he had let me down and wasn't fulfilling his promise of protecting me. I grabbed his arm in anger and made him look at me, and i said bluntly "this is the biggest mistake of your life" he said "i know. im sorry". i said "you should be. you will be. I am strong and i can live without you. you wont get this chance again". he didnt say much at all.

During my accepting stage, I asked him to hold my hands just for a second while i spoke to him. He began carressing my hands with his thumbs and stared into my eyes. i thanked him for the perfect year and showing me it is possible to love someone this much and that i hopes he gets some help and takes care of himself.

Inside, he strangely asked if I was coming to the music festival we had planned to go to together. I asked if I was invited. He said "well I have your ticket" I said "but I havent paid you back yet" he said " well we will talk about it later"... so odd!

Mum decided to have a chat to him. That lasted an hour.

When he came upstairs to leave, we walked outside and he pulled me in close told me about the pasta again (earlier he had said every time he eats it he balls his eyes out. but he cant stop. he loves it too much). He then wrapped his arms around me and hugged me tighter even than when we were together, digging his fingers into my back. He said I was so beautiful and the perfect girlfriend, and that I will make a man very happy. I argued that he would be the perfect father and he said "i just dont think im meant to have a family. but perhaps ill be a good god-father... maybe to your kids..actually no.. that may upset your husband".. we giggled. He hugged me again the same way. I asked if he loved me he said he did but that i cant tell anyone because they will then think he is a monster for doing this to me. He started wiping the tears away from under my eyes and then stroked my cheeks and kissed my forehead. I said i still wanted to hold parties and have him there and he said he would definitely come. He said he thinks I need a clean cut for a while to move on, even though my mum had told him I may never move on. He hugged me again even tighter and then got into the car. I opened the door again to remind him we would have to touch base again to talk about the rest of my things, he agreed. meanwhile, one of my books that lives in his car glove box is sitting directly in front of us, yet he ignores it.. WHY?

He drove away waving and watching intently until out of sight, well so he thought. I saw him put his head down.. obviously crying.

Mum told me that he seems fairly decided but there were definite moments of doubt that she picked up on. She thinks this is just round 1, and he will be back.

It's definitely a case of GIGS! This relief he is feeling will only last so long. I'm willing to bet my life on it. Do I continue the NC as it has got me this far?

August 6, 2011

@ALL

News... (very long story short)
He called me at 11am this morning. Didnt sound too good. Wanted to apologise for not calling earlier and said he had a rough week and wanted to know if he could come round and drop my stuff over and say goodbye to my family. I basically agreed.
He came round, burst into tears when he saw my mum. Burst into tears again when he saw me. Lunged at me and embraced me tightly.
I just gave him a normal hug back.
He pulled away and said "I saw you changed facebook" I said "yes.. umm.. I tried to do it discretely".
We decided to go for a walk. Over an hour or so, the convo basically boiled down to that he convinced himself to do this and its breaking his heart but thinks it the only way he can be happy.
He said he knows ill move on and find a guy who can treat me just a well.
He explained again that he never wants anyone else, ever.
He wouldnt let me touch him as it would "make it harder".
He commented that I looked great but skinny and need to eat and gave me a playful punch on the arm.
I tried 3 different approaches: calm and collected, emotional and crying, and then accepting of the whole thing.
During my calm stage, i asked him was he feeling better. he said yes. he said he had had a great week in terms of being able to sleep 9 hr nights, be able to go to gym every night, and see his friends when he wants.
(This will relief will pass I think)

During my emotional stage, I told him he had let me down and wasn't fulfilling his promise of protecting me. I grabbed his arm in anger and made him look at me, and i said bluntly "this is the biggest mistake of your life" he said "i know. im sorry". i said "you should be. you will be. I am strong and i can live without you. you wont get this chance again". he didnt say much at all.

During my accepting stage, I asked him to hold my hands just for a second while i spoke to him. He began carressing my hands with his thumbs and stared into my eyes. i thanked him for the perfect year and showing me it is possible to love someone this much and that i hopes he gets some help and takes care of himself.

Inside, he strangely asked if I was coming to the music festival we had planned to go to together. I asked if I was invited. He said "well I have your ticket" I said "but I havent paid you back yet" he said " well we will talk about it later"... so odd!

Mum decided to have a chat to him. That lasted an hour.

When he came upstairs to leave, we walked outside and he pulled me in close told me about the pasta again (earlier he had said every time he eats it he balls his eyes out. but he cant stop. he loves it too much). He then wrapped his arms around me and hugged me tighter even than when we were together, digging his fingers into my back. He said I was so beautiful and the perfect girlfriend, and that I will make a man very happy. I argued that he would be the perfect father and he said "i just dont think im meant to have a family. but perhaps ill be a good god-father... maybe to your kids..actually no.. that may upset your husband".. we giggled. He hugged me again the same way. I asked if he loved me he said he did but that i cant tell anyone because they will then think he is a monster for doing this to me. He started wiping the tears away from under my eyes and then stroked my cheeks and kissed my forehead. I said i still wanted to hold parties and have him there and he said he would definitely come. He said he thinks I need a clean cut for a while to move on, even though my mum had told him I may never move on. He hugged me again even tighter and then got into the car. I opened the door again to remind him we would have to touch base again to talk about the rest of my things, he agreed. meanwhile, one of my books that lives in his car glove box is sitting directly in front of us, yet he ignores it.. WHY?
He drove away waving and watching intently until out of sight, well so he thought. I saw him put his head down.. obviously crying.

Mum told me that he seems fairly decided but there were definite moments of doubt that she picked up on. She thinks this is just round 1, and he will be back.
It's definitely a case of GIGS! This relief he is feeling will only last so long. I'm willing to bet my life on it. Do I continue the NC as it has got me this far?

It's nice to get an update. You had read my post as well,and we are in the same boat. Now I will tell you my update and then I will write what I think about well ... both of us ... since we are in the SAME position (which i have to admit, feels kinda nice) ..

I ended up calling him yesterday, the day after we talked on the phone and it was left hanging about him coming to see me. I realized my situation is a bit different and the whole NC isn't exactly necessary right now with the fact that in 19 days I will be moving to Florida, a whole new country.

He started out by acting a bit "macho" and insensitive, kinda... and I had woken him up (at 3:30pm..). When I asked him if i should call back when he's awake he replied "no, im surprisingly waking up fast". I was just calm and clearly asking why he wanted to see me and what he expected out of it, as if he wanted to talk or what he was thinking. Then I said well what did you expect to happen? He said, "I would get off the train, pick you up, hold you tight, and cry." I said ok ... do you realize at that point I would have thought you wanted me back most likely. He replied "well i've made my decision, i want to be alone .. " .I said this is a bit selfish, because he isn't thinking about my feelings, and maybe we shouldn't see eahcohter. He said yea you're right,maybe not. Then I said "well, you are leading me on a bit by the way you act, you call and are excted to talk to me etc" and he replied "well you wrote to me"! It just felt strange, he was being a bit defensive and macho. Then he told me "we will never be together again". I then asked him if he has been with another girl.. he said no 3 times before admitting to kissing someone else. I was calm and asked how it was and he said it was wierd. Im a bit surprised, because I dont think he is the type to just go out and kiss girls, but maybe its his way of getting over me, i dont know. Then he asked if I had been with anyone else and i told him it doesn't matter. He asked 2 more times, before I told him that i hadn't, i'm not like that.

We ended up talking a bit about our relationship, getting a LITTLE bit upset with eachother (not much) and I was stating how the relationship was just bad. That him not wanting a relationship reflected so much onto us and the fact that he wasnt happy in it brought me down and i just struggled so much to get him into it, and i became insecure and jealous etc.. He then started crying, and told me his is sorry and has to hang up. He called back about 5-10 minutes later, still sniffing. I appologized and said that I was sorry for hurting him or making him cry. He asked if its true that the year was a waste, etc .. and i said no, but im just being honest that the way i acted (jealous, insecure, pushy) is due to him not being fully into the relationhsip. However that we had amazing times. He ended up telling me how breaking up with me was the absolute hardest thing he has ever had to do and that he has been having a very hard time.

He ended up telling me about how he finally got an apartment in his city in Sweden right next to the guy he is working with and he stated "so i guess i'll have to spend another winter here before being able to move where it's hotter" (in a sad tone).

I ended up getting a little bit of the "do you miss me " mode ... I was sad and I said "are you not attracted to me , is that why we will never be together?" and he started crying again. He said "omg dont evvver think that, i am soo extremely attracted to you, you know that" . Then we were both crying for a bit. He opened up more and spoke more than usual, he goes "i can't lie. maybe we will end up together. if it's meant to be then it will be". then we cried a little again. I told him he has opened up more than he has before, and that it's great. he said "good". and that he is working on it. i told him i'm proud of him and he told me the same. I then told him that i truly want to see him before i move, however i have to decide if that is best for me or not. he said he understands and that i should call when i decide.

It feels like he , one , wasn't ready for a relationsip in the first place, AT ALL. and second, like he is struggling with himself, that he wants to build himself into the person he wants to be before he can be with someone. (which he even told me this when we first met, that he saw himself at age 30 being who he wants to be and then able to be with someone ... ). So it's like he is very hard on himself, which is strange to me. he has to make himself into who he wants to be before being happy with himself. but can you really set a point to which this would happen ? plus, since he wasn't into the relationship while we were in one, i was always nagging on him, which pushed him away making him realize that he isnt a "good boyfriend" in my eyes, etc. but he wasn't ready ...

Overall I feel that he is very in love with me and everything is there, except that he isnt happy with himself or where he is in life. I wonder how long it will take him? And how long to realize that by him being alone, will lose me for good? Or will it not matter because as long as he isn't happy with himself, he wont be able to be with me.

It feels like your guy is the same way. I dont know much about him, but when he told you about not being able to give you a family or wanting one, that might just be immaturity. Like he isn't ready.

August 6, 2011