jer1023 Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 Warning: This is going to be a really long posting.... Okay, so last July, I met the girl of my dreams in a bar in Scottsdale. It was really movie-like, we instantly fell in love, really strongly, and really quickly. I live in Miami, and only saw her for that one night before flying back home. We called, texted, sent packages to each other for months. She came and visited me, and I flew there several times as well.. In November, it would be the last time I would see her for 3 months, as I was going backpacking for 10 months. We knew this was going to be difficult, but we agreed that we could make it work if we really wanted to. I asked her to be my girlfriend, and she refused, saying that taking it serious would ruin things if a mistake was made. I was disappointed, but agreed to her open relationship. 4 weeks into my trip, everything was going swell. We were skyping every night, and she even introduced me to her family via skype on Christmas. There were concerns, however. She would tell me things like her UFC fighting friend was coming to visit for the weekend, or she was going out to eat at our favorite restaurant with a guy-friend. Around New Years, I was extremely wasted in Amsterdam, and a girl at my hostel was coming on to me pretty strongly. I was staying away, but after a while, figured, "why not go along with it". She was the one so insistent on the open relationship, she was probably doing the same thing. I ended up kissing the girl, and falling asleep in her bed, but would not go any further than kissing. The next morning I woke up feeling terrible. I was disappointed in myself, because I always told her I would never want to be with another girl besides her. I immediately texted her that "We need to talk. I almost got carried away last night and made a big mistake" She asked what happened, and I told her. We were both crying over the skype call, but within a few days, she asked me if I still wanted to be with her, and I said 'OF COURSE!', and everything was fine. The plan was to visit her, flying back from Europe to Miami, then Israel. I booked my flight to Miami for Valentines Day, which she would spend with me, and then I would continue my trip after that. After booking my flight, with 10 days to go before flying home, she began to act differently. She began bringing up the Amsterdam incident, saying she feared it would happen again. She told me the open relationship was a 'test' to see if I would do anything. She even went as far to tell me that her 'father would never do what I did'. Before I left, she told me she was raped 6 years ago, and because my reaction was somewhat confused and because I changed the subject, she thought I was unable to have a serious conversation. She told me that she wasn't ready to see me again, and wouldn't be visiting while I was home. After this, I freaked, and basically went off on her, obsessively texting her "How could you" and falling into a 3 week depression. I came home, didn't see my friends, barely spoke to my family, and sat in silence. I spent Valentines Day texting her about how what she did was wrong, and how I could never forgive her. After 3 weeks in this funk, I finally decided it was time to leave again. I booked my flight to Israel, and left. The moment I stepped off the plane in Israel, I checked my Facebook, and saw a message reading "I made such a terrible mistake. I should have seen you. I miss you" I'm not going to lie, this made me happy. It should have made me wonder, but it didn't. I was just happy that she loved me again, the love of my life wanted me back. We began speaking every night, and after about 3 weeks, were in love again. I hadn't seen her in 4 months at that time, and I still had another 7 months until I would see her. We decided neither of us could wait that long, so I sacrificed the final 3 months of my trip and decided I would come home in July instead and spend 2 weeks with her, before coming home to Miami. We also decided that I would move there in October for 3 months to "try" and see if this would work. For the entire months of March, April, May, and June, she was really the only person I spoke to from back home. I would e-mail friends and stuff, but the only person I skyped was her, and that was almost daily. She would excite me, saying that she was gonna mob me at the airport with kisses and mexican food and all this other stuff. On June 28th, two weeks after I booked the flight to see her and leave New Zealand, and 8 days before I got home, I received a message in my facebook inbox reading.... "I don't know how else to say this so I'm just going to be brutally honest my feelings for you have faded. I tried to avoid meeting someone else for the longest time but I recently met someone that I have feelings for. I know this isn't what you want to hear but I think it's for the best that you don't come to Phoenix. I know this is going to hurt you but you deserve better. I'm sorry." I was distraught. I was shocked that not only had I sacrificed meeting new girls and staying loyal, and not only that I had shortened my trip for 3 months, but the fact that her intense "undying, unconditional" feelings had faded. I was thinking about her cuddling with another man. I was completely on the verge of losing it. My initial reaction was calm. I tried texting her and calling her, and it took her 16 hours to respond. We talked, and she said she never did anything with this guy (who hit on her at a coffee shop), but she felt guilty for wanting to. She also said that it would never work, the distance, between us, and even if I moved there she would feel pressured to 'make it work'. It took her 11 months to come to this realization. She let me fly home early for her, and ditched me with less than 10 days to go, not once, but twice. I reacted terribly after this. I called her every bad name in the book, and after she told me she could never have kids with someone who acted like a kid, I insulted her decayed teeth (caused from bullimia) and her past career (as a stripper) We still met for 1 day instead of 10 when I flew into Phoenix. After crying most of the morning, we finally began to act normal with each other. She checked into a hotel, and for a moment I thought I was staying. After making love for one last time, she told me I had to be at the airport in 2 hours. This further broke my heart. She also implied that my angry, obsession, reaction was a sign that I could physically hurt her, or any kids that we ever had. I never once threatened her harm, and I think that is due to her having past relationships in which she was raped and beaten. When I arrived home, we spoke on the phone. I was hysterically crying, and she was cheery and bubbly. She bought a new townhouse, and was telling me how she was driving down to a race. I was so angry, and continued to belittle her obsessively about how wrong what she did was. The arguing stopped when she switched her number and deleted her facebook. I am a mess now. It's been almost a month since I saw her, but I am still missing her immensely and thinking about her all the time. I loved this girl, and was lead to believe she felt the same. I went to therapy for the first time yesterday, and am getting on anti-depressants in a week. This isn't my first relationship, but none has ever broken me like this one did. The therapist suggested that since she was a stripper for "empowerment" after being raped, that having control over me was probably also a source of empowerment. To the best of my knowledge, she has never seeked therapy for what happened. I am truly a mess. Any advice would help. Thanks
TLite Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 Hi Jer1023 I'm truly sorry you're feeling this way...but if I could wish one thing for you, it has very little to do with her, and more about you....I suffered from depression too, so I know what its like....and I really think you should take care of yourself first, make yourself feel good (independent of her)....I dont like the fact that she doesnt take your pain to heart....people like us need people who are sympathetic and respect our feelings...I honestly think you can do so much better than someone who treats you like that....you've been through enough, and you're worth it....
Author jer1023 Posted August 4, 2011 Author Posted August 4, 2011 I think she did take it to heart. She was hysterically crying when we were together, but she was adamant about all the things that apparently wouldn't work (my angry reaction in February, the pressure of me moving there for her....well, those are really the only 2 things). I think she did care and was hurt. In fact, because of my belittlement over her not showing hurt, she is now also in a depression and has taken a leave of absence. She is a strong person, and knows how to 'stay busy' to avoid reality. She was doing that, while I was stuck in my hopeless reality, and I guess eventually I succeeded (wrongfully) in making her feel the despair I felt. However, I don't think that has made her closer, but rather pushed her away. I have never felt depressed in my life. I have never craved someone until I met her. I haven't ever had issues being attached, and I had never even thought about going to therapy or taking anti-depressants until she broke my heart the second time. It is awful what she did, and the only contact method I have now is e-mail, which I don't even know if she reads. The whole situation is a mess, it's been a month and I am still dreaming and obsessing over her. What troubles me most is she went from being in love with me and excited over me coming home, to seemingly distant and out of love, all over-night. It's a terrible situation
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