TLite Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 (edited) Hi Guys, I'm new here! Thanks in advance for your time and attention.... Okay, let me start from the beginning… I am now 28 and when I was like 17 years old, I dated this guy….we dated for about 6 months, but eventually ended things because I was so young and had no freedom (he was 20 and in the military)……..flash forward 10 years, and now he has been stationed in the town I live in about a month ago….so of course he looked me up! We met and just recapped old times….eventually it led to him coming over to the house, and we had sex on several occasions…but the sex was always preceded and ended with much conversation and quality time spent…..we shared music, laughs, similar interests....he told me he would take me fishing and shopping on base (for those good ole discounts).... Now, he is going through a divorce, and at this time wants to remain a bachelor…which is fine with me because I want to be a bachelorette, as I just came out of a 2 year emotionally abusive relationship myself……so, he is dating around…which is cool with me because I am too….(I have 2 other guy friends I date, non sexual though) But what happened was, the last 2 dates we had, he didnt wanna have sex! One time I invited him over for Sunday dinner…he came….ate (the food)….we chilled…and then he left a few hours later….no sex, but a good time spent as friends……then, last Saturday I texted him and asked him if he’d like to join me for drinks and he said “sure!”….he picked me up….we went out….and he dropped me off at home – but didnt come in! And during our time at the restaurant, this girl kept BLOWING his phone up, and he got very irritable about it because he said he had told her he would call her back but before he had a chance, she was calling him REPEATEDLY (being needy)….needless to say, it also perturbed me…because it seems like he has someone already trying to monopolize his time…couple that with the fact that the sex has kinda tapered off a bit, and you can see why I’m like “ugh!”….I asked him why we’re not having sex, and he said “I dont want to take advantage of you, and I also dont want you to think I dont have time for you”….(Also, he intentionally left his clothes at my house last time he was there, and declined to take them with him when I offered them to him....why would he do that??) So the next day I sent him a text saying that I feel like I shouldnt contact him anymore because it seems as if he has someone tying him down already (when he’s only been here 4 weeks) and that I thank him for linking back up, and maybe we’ll meet again, and to take care of himself…..he IMMEDIATELY tried to call me back and text me, but I had my phone off….however, he found me on Yahoo messenger….he said “What was up with that text? You make it seem as if I cant give you the time of day….and I’m not married to anyone down here, so I’m not tied down to anyone” …….I told him that was cool and I wanted it to stay that way at least for now, basically becuz I dont want him tied down because we couldnt hang out……he said his intent is to remain a bachelor….so I was like Ok. and we smoothed things over…..he told me “You’re my friend…I like that I can be myself around you….we have a unique relationship, and we are friends, no ifs, ands, or buts…..” My question is – DID I TOTALLY BLOW IT?? I let my insecurity cause me to push him away when I didnt really mean it…I’ve been *really* light on the texting him this week and last week, and so far everytime I do text (like every 2 days) he does respond so thats good…..but still, I’m scared now that he’ll see me as a nag or something, when I’m not really like that at all!! He’s in the military and I think they’ve been in the field all weeek, but still, he’s cooled down as far as texting me…..IS HE GONE FOR GOOD??? Am I on the right track towards redeeming myself??? Here's the biggest thing - ALL I REALLY WANT IS TO ROLL IN THE HAY WITH HIM ANYWAY! Thats it!! I'm not looking for a relationship with ANYONE yet....I just wanted to keep having our fun.... I mean, he'll talk to me, but he just doesnt INITIATE contact like he used to....and when he does talk, something just feels "off"....quickly, here is our text convo from Monday: Me: Hey! :-) Just wanted to speak! Hope all is well w/you...have a great week!! Him: the week just started... Me: Watchu talkin about? I'm on FB, addicted to it.... Him: I see... Me: Youve gone all "incognito" and stuff! Surprised you still remember me! Him: Workin.... Me: Hmm...all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy! I understand tho, I'll be in Raleigh myself everyday for sales meetings... Him: Dont know jack! Me: Hmm...u 4got all about me tho....I try not to bug u tho... Him: Didnt forget!!! Me: Felt like it...outta sight, outta mind...you're still my homie no matter what tho Him: Hmmm.... Me: Have things on your mind: Him: work, school, my truck, and my bike! Me: Do you wanna stay in touch? I just wanna be sure. You dont really talk to me like you used to. I understand if not, I just wanna know... Him: I'm talkin now Me: Yes, but only cuz I talked to you first! :-) I see right now I'm gonna have to fight you! Him: U silly Me: Figured you wrote me off. I guess I'll know 4 sure if you keep being ghost (not around). Anyways, you have a goodnight and a great week! You know how 2 find me...TTYL and goodnite! He didnt answer back, and havent talked to him since then (Monday). Actually now that I'm typing this out, I realize how kinda lame he sounds (especially talking about the car, truck, and bike)....I believe this is more about my curiosity of how he seems to have TOTALLY forgotten me, and not only our CURRENT good times, but the good times we had back in the day! And mind you, HE SOUGHT ME OUT this time!!! Gah, why are people so wishy-washy!! And even if its one of the other girls thats got him, thats cool, but why not just admit that when I tried to cut him off after that date we had where she kept blowing his phone up!!?? Guys, whaddya think? (please be nice) Edited August 3, 2011 by TLite clarification
2sunny Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 looks like he's paying attention to other women - and he's been married too! seems you keep bringing up your need for him to make you feel special - but he won't! his words are very few and not at all engaging you - yet you keep at him - and he keeps moving away from any attempt you make. he's not interested... he's getting sex and friendship elsewhere - you are his back burner gal - the one he keeps around in case the other ones he's really interested in disappears. he's a cheater... why would you want to be his "friend" anyway? you deserve better.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 I would suggest that it is time to be BOLD... and more confident than you were 10 years ago... and just explain to him what you really want. It is OK to want whatever you wish from him, and it is OK to explain that to him. What you don't want, is to have desires, and then look back with the recognition of a CHANCE that you could have continued what you most enjoyed, had you only expressed yourself... !!!
Eddie Edirol Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 He isnt interested in you sexually. if he was, he would have contacted you, instead of you contacting him. Those last texts were him trying to discourage you from keeping the conversation going.
thatone Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 looks like he's paying attention to other women - and he's been married too! seems you keep bringing up your need for him to make you feel special - but he won't! his words are very few and not at all engaging you - yet you keep at him - and he keeps moving away from any attempt you make. he's not interested... he's getting sex and friendship elsewhere - you are his back burner gal - the one he keeps around in case the other ones he's really interested in disappears. he's a cheater... why would you want to be his "friend" anyway? you deserve better. see, i was thinking the opposite, i'm betting she left him while he was in the military for some other guy and this whole charade has just been a 'revenge' lay for him.
Author TLite Posted August 4, 2011 Author Posted August 4, 2011 Thanks for EVERYONES ADVICE! Ironically, he called last night and wanted to make plans to go to a concert in a few weeks....We talked for an hour till we both dozed off... But I feel there is a grain of truth in what EVERYONE has said to me (altho I admit I liked Sincere Guys advice most)......trust me, I dont get my hopes up about him, hell, I dont even know that I would actually WANT a real relationship with him! Plus, I have a date with another guy Friday, so believe me he's not my main focus anyways....I think it was moreso my curiosity about the situation that was getting to me.....just when I was like "f*ck it", he called.
Author TLite Posted August 4, 2011 Author Posted August 4, 2011 @ thatone yeh, actually she did leave him for someone else! she told him she didnt love him anymore and he found out she was cheating, and I believe now she may be with the other guy....
Author TLite Posted August 4, 2011 Author Posted August 4, 2011 looks like he's paying attention to other women - and he's been married too! seems you keep bringing up your need for him to make you feel special - but he won't! his words are very few and not at all engaging you - yet you keep at him - and he keeps moving away from any attempt you make. he's not interested... he's getting sex and friendship elsewhere - you are his back burner gal - the one he keeps around in case the other ones he's really interested in disappears. he's a cheater... why would you want to be his "friend" anyway? you deserve better. 2sunny - so much of what you said could be true...the only thing though is that technically he isnt cheating because they are legally separated, and going through divorce now.... ....but I mainly agree with your points about him being a little evasive in my attempts to connect (that night anyway)....last night, he was back in regular form though! But again, he's a damn flake, and he's proved that....so guess what? HE IS NOW MY BACKBURNER DUDE, LOL! Two can definitely play that game, and I am definitely going to see/date other guys that may be a little more firmly planted....I am a beautiful, sweet, smart, self sufficient woman and I know I can be a good fit to the right man....I'm lucky enough to have that self-realization.....
Author TLite Posted August 4, 2011 Author Posted August 4, 2011 @ thatone - he broke up with me! But again, even back then, I understood why...he was fully grown with all the freedom in the world, and I could barely get out the house except to go to football games. When he broke it off back then, he cried and it took us both a while to get over it....his mom can even attest to that....and honestly, had I been in his situation, I would truthfully have to say, I probably would have done the same thing....but we've always remained in each others heart, in some way, shape or form. Some people you never forget!
thatone Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 (edited) well, considering the situation with the ex, which i figured was the case since it's pretty common, and considering how he is behaving, i would guess that he's probably not looking to start another relationship, which is why he's distancing himself from you. if, as you say, the two of you left on amicable terms all those years ago he probably does in fact feel guilty about just using you for sex, which is exactly what he intends to do with every other woman he meets for awhile. if you are in fact ok with that just come out and tell him, that a purely FWB relationship is fine with you, if he's interested he's welcome to be that with you, and he won't hurt your feelings. he might not agree but it's worth a shot to ask him and see. since this isn't dating or a relationship i don't see any need to beat around the bush and wait for him to do things, just tell him what you think. Edited August 4, 2011 by thatone
Author TLite Posted August 4, 2011 Author Posted August 4, 2011 This thread is the crux of so many male complaints about women today. OP you claim you just want a roll in the hay, but that's obviously not the case, you want this particular guy, and you are willing to share him with other women, when he is flat out telling you that he isn't even interested in sex with you, probably because he is getting plenty elsewhere. At this point, smart person cuts their losses, moves on and finds someone who is not OTHERWISE ATTACHED, and someone who is INTERESTED. Try being smart, dumb isn't getting you what you want, is it? Get out and meet other men, I guarantee you if you make an effort at that, you will have options for whatever level of relationship you want, casual, etc., with men who actually want to be with you and aren't already banging other women. Get a single man of your own, sharing one will not work for you. @ dasein - thank you so much for your response/advice as well! I did make it clear (and honestly so) that I still date other guys though...I think your advice may have been a tad harsh, possibly rooted in your frustration you're going through with someone else (??)....Regardless though, your advice is appreciated and noted....
Author TLite Posted August 4, 2011 Author Posted August 4, 2011 @ thatone - I totally agree! I started this thread last night out of pure boredom, mostly...my curiosity was getting the best of me....to be honest, now that he called me and we've talked, I'm not even all that concerned about it anymore...Thanks everyone, I'll probably just end up deleting this thread, as I tend to notice that the OVERLY judgemental and "negative Nellies" seem to creep in after a while. Thanks Everyone,
2sunny Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 it appears you are unsure of how you feel about him mainly because you keep contradicting yourself - your actions - and your contact with him. you approach in your exchange with him to be wanting to connect on a very personal level - needing his validation, in fact. he is consistently moving away from connecting on that level. you state you want a roll in the hay then you take a call that says you are connecting on a more intimate level now then you say he is YOUR backup guy - that you have a date tomorrow so which is it? IF you can't be CLEAR and CONSISTENT about YOUR intentions with this guy - how can he understand what YOU expect of him? so - state to HIM what your exact intentions are - then stick to THAT PLAN! IF you ONLY intend to use him for sex - then stop trying to make it an intimate connection... you are mixing things around for him - he may very well be confused by what you are doing/saying. IF you intend to have him as your guy you are interested in on an INTIMATE level - ditch the "others" and focus soley on connecting with him - IF he agrees to doing that with YOU and YOU only. first things first - decide what your intent is to be = then have YOUR words and ACTIONS stick with your INTENT only. on a side note separated is not the same as divorced = so technically he is NOT available YET...
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