SWAN808 Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 Has anyone ever experienced anything like this? Ive been with this lovely girl for 6 months now. I think she is so great in so many ways-the best relationship Ive ever had (29 now). But suddenly I feel the need to break up. Its a feeling - and Im struggling to rationalise it. Im so upset about it Ive been loosing sleep and cant stop thinking about it. However - when we see eachother - that worry goes away and we have a nice time! But then sure enough - later on this worry seeps in again - and its like I cant escape it. On one side - I think so much of her. But on the other - something is telling me its not right. Im absolutely gutted, and I really dont want to hurt her. We are so intimate and close like best friends - how could I loose that? The only thing I can think of - is that maybe because she is a few years younger - I see her more as a 'little sis' than a true equal partner material. And although I feel like I love her and everything seems so great - something is - ultimately wrong. But why cant I just go on enjoying what we have?! I dont understand this. Please - anyone can offer me some advice...
Almond_Joy Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 Has anyone ever experienced anything like this? Ive been with this lovely girl for 6 months now. I think she is so great in so many ways-the best relationship Ive ever had (29 now). But suddenly I feel the need to break up. Its a feeling - and Im struggling to rationalise it. Im so upset about it Ive been loosing sleep and cant stop thinking about it. However - when we see eachother - that worry goes away and we have a nice time! But then sure enough - later on this worry seeps in again - and its like I cant escape it. On one side - I think so much of her. But on the other - something is telling me its not right. Im absolutely gutted, and I really dont want to hurt her. We are so intimate and close like best friends - how could I loose that? The only thing I can think of - is that maybe because she is a few years younger - I see her more as a 'little sis' than a true equal partner material. And although I feel like I love her and everything seems so great - something is - ultimately wrong. But why cant I just go on enjoying what we have?! I dont understand this. Please - anyone can offer me some advice... There's a thread in either the Coping forum or the Breaks and Breaking up forum called "G.I.G.S. Grass Is Greener Syndrome." It sounds like you may be experiencing that right now. I'd recommend you read it to start finding some answers, it may help you get a starting point at least. The post was started by a user named homebrew, but i's managed by a user named wilsonx now. Best of luck to you.
grkBoy Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 Has anyone ever experienced anything like this? Ive been with this lovely girl for 6 months now. I think she is so great in so many ways-the best relationship Ive ever had (29 now). But suddenly I feel the need to break up. Its a feeling - and Im struggling to rationalise it. Im so upset about it Ive been loosing sleep and cant stop thinking about it. However - when we see eachother - that worry goes away and we have a nice time! But then sure enough - later on this worry seeps in again - and its like I cant escape it. On one side - I think so much of her. But on the other - something is telling me its not right. Im absolutely gutted, and I really dont want to hurt her. We are so intimate and close like best friends - how could I loose that? The only thing I can think of - is that maybe because she is a few years younger - I see her more as a 'little sis' than a true equal partner material. And although I feel like I love her and everything seems so great - something is - ultimately wrong. But why cant I just go on enjoying what we have?! I dont understand this. Please - anyone can offer me some advice... I think you've gotten scared of the success. It's perfect and you're thinking something is wrong with this because it's unfamiliar territory. Seen many men and women end good RLs because they are so used to pain and drama.
Author SWAN808 Posted August 3, 2011 Author Posted August 3, 2011 thanks - this GIGS thing makes sense...I keep wondering if I just need a load of space to get my head together. Its been very intense recently. One thing is - I am talking to her very honestly and truthfully - and dont want things to go bad. Im genuinely upset by this. It seems like you hear mostly from people who got dumped by GIGS - I;d love to hear from anyone who felt GIGS and was confused...
LoveandSuch Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 All the time, I lose interest quickly. I do not think people are meant to be in marriage. Why not have fun and not think about the what ifs so much? How old are you, 29 relationships? Why is there so much pressure from all sides to marry or be exclusive?
OliveOyl Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 Are you or have you been in love with her? Are you attracted to her - really attracted, in a physical way? Do you respect her? I'm asking these questions because while it very well may be G.I.G.S., there may be a very real issue with the relationship that hasn't fully come to the surface. Or maybe it has come to the surface, and you actually know what it is, but you think it "shouldn't matter" or have been trying to downplay it in your mind.
youngskywalker Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 I had a cat growing up that would go mouse hunting all the time. Never ate the darn things. It would just kill them and leave them on the front step. Us men are prone to go in for the kill. When the challenge is met we move on for the next kill. Woman are the same. It's too bad you've lost interest in this girl. She sounds great and I'm sure there are plenty of men out there who would be honored to be with her.
Eddie Edirol Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 Did you meet someone that seemed more up your alley to pull attraction away from your gf? is your gf a lil less mature than you? If she seems like a lil sis, there could be things shes doing thats turning you off. Last time that happened to me, a new woman grabbed my attention and I couldnt help bieng curious. I already had doubts about the gf I had at the time, I just needed to pull the trigger.
thatone Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 (edited) Has anyone ever experienced anything like this? Ive been with this lovely girl for 6 months now. I think she is so great in so many ways-the best relationship Ive ever had (29 now). But suddenly I feel the need to break up. Its a feeling - and Im struggling to rationalise it. Im so upset about it Ive been loosing sleep and cant stop thinking about it. However - when we see eachother - that worry goes away and we have a nice time! But then sure enough - later on this worry seeps in again - and its like I cant escape it. On one side - I think so much of her. But on the other - something is telling me its not right. Im absolutely gutted, and I really dont want to hurt her. We are so intimate and close like best friends - how could I loose that? The only thing I can think of - is that maybe because she is a few years younger - I see her more as a 'little sis' than a true equal partner material. And although I feel like I love her and everything seems so great - something is - ultimately wrong. But why cant I just go on enjoying what we have?! I dont understand this. Please - anyone can offer me some advice... you sure it's about her? how's your professional life? happy where you live or think about moving? thinking about a job change or something like that? maybe it's the pressure of being 'in charge' financially, with decision making, etc since you're the older one, and not being sure if you're doing the right thing? i've been in that type of situation before, and didn't want a woman around every day that i also felt responsible for (aka younger and less capable financially). i felt like if i screwed up and put myself in a box i'd get out of it, but if i was responsible for causing a woman trouble at the same time i wouldn't be able to fix it. too much pressure at the time. Edited August 4, 2011 by thatone
Author SWAN808 Posted August 4, 2011 Author Posted August 4, 2011 (edited) Are you or have you been in love with her? Are you attracted to her - really attracted, in a physical way? Do you respect her? I'm asking these questions because while it very well may be G.I.G.S., there may be a very real issue with the relationship that hasn't fully come to the surface. Or maybe it has come to the surface, and you actually know what it is, but you think it "shouldn't matter" or have been trying to downplay it in your mind. yeah I feel like Ive been in love with her - but have been slightly cautious to go all out. I think she is perhaps less mature and knowledgable about life than me and Ive felt the need to 'look after' her which was nice at the start...I have this habit of playing the strong one 'knight in shining armour' maybe a bit too much and dominated...so perhaps Ive not given her a chance to fully shine... But yes - I think there might be an imbalance that is turning me off...making me wonder if Im picking up someone I have to look after as opposed to someone who can look after me equally... Also - I think I might have realised that I need a strong woman in my life. I can be strong - but Im also very sensitive and sometimes need to feel someone can be there and support me when Im down. This girl is quite shy and very sensitive - so whilst I find that alluring and sweet - Im wondering if I need someone a little more resilient-for me anyway... Edited August 4, 2011 by SWAN808
LSuser1 Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 wow you sound exactly how I think my boyfriend may feel about me. Is 808 your area code? I've been with my boyfriend for 7 months, he's in the same age range as you and I sometimes think I may not be strong enough for him. He has told me a few times that he wants somebody strong, and perhaps I may not be that person. I come off more confident than I really am and lately I've been getting this feeling he wants to break it off (but that's just me over-analyzing bc I tend to worry a lot). Can you explain exactly how she may not be as strong? I'm curious.
Almond_Joy Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 yeah I feel like Ive been in love with her - but have been slightly cautious to go all out. I think she is perhaps less mature and knowledgable about life than me and Ive felt the need to 'look after' her which was nice at the start...I have this habit of playing the strong one 'knight in shining armour' maybe a bit too much and dominated...so perhaps Ive not given her a chance to fully shine... But yes - I think there might be an imbalance that is turning me off...making me wonder if Im picking up someone I have to look after as opposed to someone who can look after me equally... Also - I think I might have realised that I need a strong woman in my life. I can be strong - but I'm also very sensitive and sometimes need to feel someone can be there and support me when Im down. This girl is quite shy and very sensitive - so whilst I find that alluring and sweet - Im wondering if I need someone a little more resilient-for me anyway... I'm in the same boat with LSUser1, as what you're saying of yourself resonates strongly with my ex's personality. If this is how you see her now, but you feel like she has the potential to grow, I'd really recommend you sticking it out with her. People change with growth - she could become stronger, and it's inevitable that she will gain experience as she gets older. That's just a part of life. Now if you feel like you don't have the wherewithal to "look after" her at this stage in her life while dealing with your own changes, then maybe it's better you two split and let her do her growing without you. But man, IMO, there's few things sweeter than being with someone who's been there with you at your worst, and stuck around to see you at your best. If you see potential in this girl for the woman you want to spend your life with, I'd venture to guess that it will mean a lot to both of you in the long run if you stayed with her, and you two grew together. You're going through some important changes right now too, and having to maintain the relationship through these changes may be just the kind of test for you to see what she's made of and what you're made of - or rather, if you both are able to maintain a healthy LTR in the face of personal development. An LTR comes with that kind of responsibility, I think - the responsibility of staying together and trying to support each other, regardless of what stage of life the two parties are in. That's my $0.02, hope this helps.
Tayla Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 What we "want" is not altogether what we "ultimately" need. Think about that next time in a relation or the one you are currently in. At well over 40 I finally figured out that my "want" didn't match what was ultimately needed to make a relations work. Primarily a balanced relations, where if I am weak one day on a matter I can be strong in other areas... And vice versa...We cannot possibly have that healthy relationship til we "accept" the flaws as well as the shining characteristics that keep the fire burning. The imbalance can happen though if one is pulling the weight of matters whilst the other plays the crippled.... To the OP..I do hope you get past this small phase, this lady really does sound like a keeper!
Author SWAN808 Posted August 4, 2011 Author Posted August 4, 2011 (edited) thanks guys for the response - this place really is an excellent source of advice and support - Im glad I found it. There is so much knowledge much better than my mates and even family! Anyways...there are complicating issues Im going to further explain: We are both unwell with something called chronic fatigue syndrome (a few years ill and unable to work). During these difficult times - it has been wonderful finding eachother and spending time together. She sadly is a fair bit worse than me - and so I end up doing a lot of supporting for her. I am like that - I am a helper personality. However - I also am suffering - and need help and support. Although she doesnt mean it - a lot of the time my needs are overshadowed by hers because simply - she is more unwell - plus I end up being the 'man' or hero being strong. Problem is Im not so strong either. I feel like my needs are not - and cannot be met at the moment. She can hardly come to visit me - I always go to see her. Small things like that - although fine at first - build up. However - despite this rather significant issue - the bottom line is this. I feel like I need someone whom I can lean on from time to time - as opposed to someone I feel always needs me to be strong to keep her afloat. For example - when she is trying to help me - she gets worried about saying the right thing - and so I end up having to support her in supporting me. There are so many ways in which she might talk herself down because of low self-value and although I pick her up - over time this has started to concern me and made me think "if she cant love herself - how can she really love me?". I have realised I need to feel some strength in a partner because otherwise it feels like a constant drain - having to make ALL decisions and be CONSTANTLY dominant an a masculine role. I would like to be inspired and motivated from time to time, to feel "wow-you are really something". To conclude this bit of info - the confusing thing is - I think perhaps she does have some more strength than first appears - however she is struggling and worn down by her poor physical and emotional health...so I know I have not seen her best (she has told me that). However its been 6 months - it will take some time to change and get better - I cant stay in a relationship based on a future fantasy or what she 'might' be like down the line? Im thinking perhaps the circumstances are just too difficult for a real relationship... It is still very upsetting given how much we have become to rely on eachother. And very confusing given one minute I enjoy her - the next I feel I need to end it... Edited August 4, 2011 by SWAN808
Eternal Sunshine Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 Just curious: did you talk to her about this at all? Does she know that you are having severe doubts? Consider that when trying to date with CFS, a heathy partner may very well feel that you are being the drain, not to mention a hypochondriac. Dating with chronic illness, especially the one that is as poorly understood as CFS is not easy at all. You need to be realistic.
Author SWAN808 Posted August 4, 2011 Author Posted August 4, 2011 (edited) Just curious: did you talk to her about this at all? Does she know that you are having severe doubts? Consider that when trying to date with CFS, a heathy partner may very well feel that you are being the drain, not to mention a hypochondriac. Dating with chronic illness, especially the one that is as poorly understood as CFS is not easy at all. You need to be realistic. yeah we have talked a good amount now...she wants it to work but I think is a little naieve about how difficult it is when having health problems-especially for me the slightly more well party who is able to do more. She hates it that she finds it difficult to do things I need and so badly wants to be better for me - but the reality is - she has a lot of work to do to recover. It could take 1-2 years I think if Im honest. I am better and maybe could be 6months/1 year. Ive been waiting months for us to simply be able to go out for dinner and it has not happened! (we just hang out at her place). Yes you are right - I would never date a healthy girl in my state - it would not be fair. Dating with ill health is obviously more difficult than I first realised. However - after 6 months of having a lovely time - suddenly it changes. I could blame that on the circumstance - but part of me wonders if actually its something I dont feel is right between us. But still I love spending time with her. So why do I feel I need to break up? Its so confusing. I think tho it must be because I dont feel like she can look after me at all. Despite charging round like a hero - Im pretty sensitive also. So hard to tell if its circumstance - or just not meant to be...but perhaps whichever it is - its not gonna work. We both have to go back to being lonely and unwell on our own with no feeling of supportive partner. This is very sad. Its not like we can bounce back like everyone else on here - go out and go on the rebound. I guess thats why this is so hard. The confusion - plus the difficulty and sadness if it has to end. Thanks for listening - it helps to say this. Edited August 4, 2011 by SWAN808
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