zengirl Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 Okay, I'm stumped on this one. So I have this female friend --- we'll call her L. --- and she just got out of a hugely long relationship (11 years) about six months ago. She's starting to look for new guys now, but not sure if she's really ready. All reasonable. And she's a really great gal in general. I've never "known" her as a single girl though, as I only met her last fall, shortly before the big break up. She's in her early 30s. I am kind of a matchmaker-y type, but always in a casual way. I don't plot out who's "right" for each other, but I know a lot of people, introduce a lot of people, and have been the "introducer" type person for a lot of couples I know. I don't try to make relationships happen at all and am not comfortable with that type of matchmaking a la "Hey come join us on a blind double date!" or something. I'm more like, "Hey, you should meet so and so sometime. He usually comes with me to trivia" or whatever. ONE TIME, I mentioned to L. (a normally sane and normal woman and friend) that I thought she should meet my friend J. sometime. ONE TIME. He wound up not coming to the event I thought he'd be at, so they never met. I didn't promise he'd be there, and she (theoretically) was not coming for that reason. But now she is constantly hounding me to somehow arrange a meet, always asking if J. is going to be there. He's been kind of busy (not seeing anyone, but work stuff) so I've only seen him a couple times in the past month, never planned, and never when I was out with L. or she could've gotten there. I really didn't think she'd go so nuts over one offhand mention of a guy who might potentially be interesting to her, but she found him on my Facebook and looked up his pictures and all sorts of weird stuff. At this point, I'm kind of worried she'll be weird if they ever do meet. I don't want to tell her that I don't want to "arrange" it straight up (I've pretty much said that if there's a chance for them to meet, I'll definitely help out --- which I will --- but that I'm not going to try and wrangle him down, so I did assert myself a bit) any more than I already have, because I don't want to dampen her spirits re: Getting out there again. Normally, I just say stuff, but she's in perhaps the most delicate place I can imagine. She was basically married. But she does need to get 'out' there a bit. So: What would you do if L. was your friend?
carhill Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 I'd leave her be as to her actions. She's an adult and will work it out. That said, if you had a dinner party with mixed singles and couples and both were invited, then an answer would appear. Again, they're both adults and can handle interest or disinterest. I recall one of my friend's wives kept trying to set me up with her sister, whom I finally did meet at a large surprise party for the wife. Nice lady, no aura or apparent interest from her so it all worked out and we had a great time at the party. Life goes on.
Author zengirl Posted August 3, 2011 Author Posted August 3, 2011 I'd leave her be as to her actions. She's an adult and will work it out. That said, if you had a dinner party with mixed singles and couples and both were invited, then an answer would appear. Again, they're both adults and can handle interest or disinterest. I recall one of my friend's wives kept trying to set me up with her sister, whom I finally did meet at a large surprise party for the wife. Nice lady, no aura or apparent interest from her so it all worked out and we had a great time at the party. Life goes on. I'm too young for this scenario to work. I've never thrown a dinner party (well, maybe a girls' night). I will maybe try a BBQ or something sometime soon, though I just worry that if he doesn't show up, she'll wig out. Oh, and I wouldn't worry about her actions, except it's beginning to feel like extreme pressure ON ME to somehow arrange a meet. I would normally just tell the person straight up it was really bothering me, but I guess I've tried to be 'softer' about it after what she's been through (her 11 year relationship not only ended, but he kicked her out, gave away her dog, and left her homeless right away and THEN had a new woman within two months) and more tolerant. I'm just feeling the edges of my tolerance approaching.
rightfield Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 I'm kind of in the same situation as your friend. I had a long relationship end a while back, and there comes a point where you get enthusiastic about getting back out there. The best thing I did was start reading all of the complicated crap on this site. It sort of pulled me back down into a more reasonable approach. I've learned a lot about how much dating has changed since I last dated. Maybe you should delete your post and tell her to check out this site. Maybe another similar site. She needs a dose of reality or she may do what I've seen others do, and that's go out there and do something silly and embarrassing.
Star Gazer Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 How young is too young to have a dinner party? I've been throwing and attending them amongst my group of friends since I was 23.
iris219 Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 She sounds like one of those girls who doesn’t enjoy hanging out with her friends just to hang out. It’s always about meeting a guy. (These girls often seem pretty desperate). It sounds she isn’t comfortable being single yet either. She needs to learn to enjoy being alone and not constantly thinking about the next guy. She should relax and focus on herself before dating or dating will be a disaster. After 11 years she doesn’t know who she is single. She needs to just get out and have fun. I would tell her this, and would probably, if we were close, just come out and say it. I would also tell her that I’ve mentioned her to the friend and would let her know if he says anything about meeting her (that way you're off the hook some). You can set me up, zengirl! I think we live in the same area of the country.
Author zengirl Posted August 3, 2011 Author Posted August 3, 2011 How young is too young to have a dinner party? I've been throwing and attending them amongst my group of friends since I was 23. I'm 26. Maybe it's because I hang with a hipster expat (well I'm an expat who's returned but a lot of my friends have at least traveled some) nerd crowd, and you hang with a more yuppie crowd? When I was at the ad agency, I attended a few. But I felt older then in some ways. I make a dinner for a friend or two sometimes (usually a girls' night like I said) or my roommates, but an official dinner party with lots of people. . . I have two roommates, and we have four wine glasses between us. I live a very close to "out of two suitcases" existence, even now that I'm back in the U.S. She sounds like one of those girls who doesn’t enjoy hanging out with her friends just to hang out. It’s always about meeting a guy. (These girls often seem pretty desperate). It sounds she isn’t comfortable being single yet either. She needs to learn to enjoy being alone and not constantly thinking about the next guy. She should relax and focus on herself before dating or dating will be a disaster. After 11 years she doesn’t know who she is single. She needs to just get out and have fun. I would tell her this, and would probably, if we were close, just come out and say it. I would also tell her that I’ve mentioned her to the friend and would let her know if he says anything about meeting her (that way you're off the hook some). You can set me up, zengirl! I think we live in the same area of the country.
carhill Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 BBQ idea is great IMO. Heck, I was doing pool parties when I was your age. I was just copying the old VHS tapes (remember VHS camcorders?) of them to DVD yesterday. I'd have 20-30 people out for a BBQ and pool volleyball. Pot luck. Mostly marrieds since that was my social circle, but also some single male and female friends. L, if otherwise a good friend, will understand her place in this dynamic. Your matchmaking attempts are something to be appreciated and valued, even if the end result is not a match made in heaven. Your growing feeling of 'pressure' tells me this area of relations is one that you and she may not be compatible about. Labor Day is coming up. Don't recall if you're in the states or overseas. Regardless, there's never a bad time for a BBQ. Ah, to be young again.
Author zengirl Posted August 3, 2011 Author Posted August 3, 2011 How young is too young to have a dinner party? I've been throwing and attending them amongst my group of friends since I was 23. I'm 26. Maybe it's because I hang with a hipster expat (well I'm an expat who's returned but a lot of my friends have at least traveled some) nerd crowd, and you hang with a more yuppie crowd? When I was at the ad agency, I attended a few. But I felt older then in some ways. I make a dinner for a friend or two sometimes (usually a girls' night like I said) or my roommates, but an official dinner party with lots of people. . . I have two roommates, and we have four wine glasses between us. I live a very close to "out of two suitcases" existence, even now that I'm back in the U.S. She sounds like one of those girls who doesn’t enjoy hanging out with her friends just to hang out. It’s always about meeting a guy. (These girls often seem pretty desperate). It sounds she isn’t comfortable being single yet either. She needs to learn to enjoy being alone and not constantly thinking about the next guy. She should relax and focus on herself before dating or dating will be a disaster. After 11 years she doesn’t know who she is single. She needs to just get out and have fun. I would tell her this, and would probably, if we were close, just come out and say it. I would also tell her that I’ve mentioned her to the friend and would let her know if he says anything about meeting her (that way you're off the hook some). You can set me up, zengirl! I think we live in the same area of the country. Oh, god, I'm never setting anyone up again! I guess that's what's bothering me (the bolded part). She's acting so weird. So totally not the person I knew, and I don't know whether it's being a bitch to call her on it. I haven't mentioned it to the guy friend. As if I said, "There's a girl you should meet," he wouldn't really. . . care. I mean, I've introduced him to girls he's dated before, but he wouldn't 'anticipate' it or anything and would just feel uncomfortable if he felt like it was a set up. I mean, he knows who L. is, because I tell stories with her in it sometimes, but I really try to stay away from hardcore setups. My ONE TIME comment wasn't even re: dating.
Star Gazer Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 I'm 26. Maybe it's because I hang with a hipster expat (well I'm an expat who's returned but a lot of my friends have at least traveled some) nerd crowd, and you hang with a more yuppie crowd? When I was at the ad agency, I attended a few. But I felt older then in some ways. Hmm. When I was your age living in LA, I was actually attending dinner parties with a variety of crowds - including hipster Hollywood types and Italian and Aussie expats - on a fairly regular basis. But yeah, most of my friends are generally yuppies. If a dinner party doesn't work, a BBQ should.
Author zengirl Posted August 3, 2011 Author Posted August 3, 2011 Hmm. When I was your age living in LA, I was actually attending dinner parties with a variety of crowds - including hipster Hollywood types and Italian and Aussie expats - on a fairly regular basis. But yeah, most of my friends are generally yuppies. If a dinner party doesn't work, a BBQ should. Southern hipsters aren't really LA hipsters. A Southern hipster is more like a liberal hippie who takes showers regularly, wears shoes, bikes more, knows a little more about microbrews, and smokes less pot. And nowadays, REALLY likes plaid. But that'll change soon. LA hipsters seem to be way less laid back.
iris219 Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 Playing matchmaker can be dangerous, for all parties involved. I went on a double date of sorts a couple of weeks ago where I met a friend of a friend and we all went to dinner (me, my friend, her BF, and the guy). I didn’t have anything against the guy, but he was literally my anti-type. I'm not sure what she was thinking. Overall the evening was fine, I just don’t ever want to hang out with the guy alone. In a group would be OK. I was honest when he texted a few days later and told him we didn’t have enough in common to date, but that I had fun and it was nice to meet him. I heard through the grapevine that my friend is annoyed with me for not giving him more of a chance.
Star Gazer Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 I played matchmaker for a friend last summer and it was a DISASTER. Ugh.
Mrlonelyone Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 I would still try to set them up. I really don't see how one person being eager to meet another is "acting weird". People aren't going to feel the same about eachother, in perfect sync, all the time. I'm too young for this scenario to work. I've never thrown a dinner party (well, maybe a girls' night). I will maybe try a BBQ or something sometime soon, though I just worry that if he doesn't show up, she'll wig out. 26 is plenty old enough for a dinner party. You party right? You eat dinner right? So have a party that's centered around dinner. Order some Pizza or what have you, buy some drinks and invite a group of friends including both of them over.
serial muse Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 I (her 11 year relationship not only ended, but he kicked her out, gave away her dog, and left her homeless right away and THEN had a new woman within two months) Yikes. Given the self-esteem-busting breakup she went through, it sounds like what she is really looking for is straight-up validation. (I speak from experience ). She's probably fixated on this guy because she's really looking for someone to tell her it's all going to be OK, and you held up a beacon of hope (through the best of intentions). But...anyone she dates right now will probably be a rebound. And I totally agree that she would probably be a bit weird around this guy...a bit too needing. I'm guessing she's not in a place where she could hear that from you right now, or that you would want to say it? So to me, rather than setting her up, it sounds like the best thing would be to distract her with social activities - like a BBQ - with a lot of people around so she can start to feel normal again. (Does she have an active social life outside of you? Did she lose a lot of friends in the breakup?) I'm sorry, this isn't really very helpful, but I do understand your concerns.
Author zengirl Posted August 3, 2011 Author Posted August 3, 2011 (edited) I would still try to set them up. I really don't see how one person being eager to meet another is "acting weird". People aren't going to feel the same about eachother, in perfect sync, all the time. 26 is plenty old enough for a dinner party. You party right? You eat dinner right? So have a party that's centered around dinner. Order some Pizza or what have you, buy some drinks and invite a group of friends including both of them over. I might have a BBQ, sure. I'd never invite people over and then serve them pizza (yuck) and I have shindigs sometimes, but rarely. I live with roommates and we try to be considerate. At any rate, all THAT aside, my friend is "acting weird" because she is constantly asking about meeting this guy. Like every time I see her and in texts in between. And she FB stalked him! It's getting uncomfortable and suffocating for ME. That's what's weird. I have no issues facilitating a potential meet, if it's natural, but I don't do the setup thing, because it so often blows up. I just thought it'd be casual --- which is what I've always done --- but she's making a bit to-do about it. And it makes me wonder whether she even wants to hang out with me sometimes or whether she's just hoping I'll introduce her to him or someone else or something. And when I mentioned this guy, I didn't even mention meeting in a total romantic context; he'd just texted me something and I said something akin to, "Yeah, he's a cool guy. You should meet him sometime, I think you'd get along." Somehow that seems to have = he's potentially your soulmate in her mind. It's probably true, serial muse, that she is likely looking for validation. But she's had some flirtations and guys after her lately, so if that was all . . . I think she'd be fine. I think she's probably looking to see that there ARE nice guys out there who have the same interests as her. And J. would fit that. But she's just driving me batty, and weirding ME out, so I'm sure if she acts like this continually, she'll weird him and all my other friends out as well. ETA: Now that I think about it, this is just a piece of the issue that is really starting to creep up---a very annoying piece, but not the whole problem. Our dynamic has definitely changed a bit since I've gotten more serious with the new BF. I was breaking up with my last BF around the time she and her BF broke up. And I met the current BF awhile back, but I don't think she thought it was going to last. I still hang out with ALL my friends when in a relationship --- totally not one of those disappearing girls --- but it feels like she and I have had the most issues with this . . . I think she feels like she's lost the race somehow? (But that's silly. Of course, I got over my under-a-year relationship faster than she got over her 11 year engagement/living together/practically married situation, and I also had a lot more "say" in my breakup than she did in hers.) She's always asking how I got a great new BF so fast. . . but we're just in different stages. . . It's hard for me to talk about things like that with her because what happened to her (dead end relationship for SO long without ever getting married) is one of my big fears and something I have been actively avoiding, and I definitely don't want to rub any salt in the wound. She's also considerably older than me and feeling kind of "old maid-ish." Edited August 3, 2011 by zengirl
dispatch3d Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 (edited) Every guy has been here, except she's a women so this will be easier. Just introduce her to different guys, this time don't tell her she should meet "x". Bing bango! tehehe... Read your eta. You think too much. That thing isn't based on anything. Edited August 3, 2011 by dispatch3d
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