MyHeartHurtsOuch Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 I haven't been on here in a few weeks so heres a quick recap: bf 32; me 30. Lived together 1 1/5 yrs and stuff went bad toward the last 6 months of our relationship. Nothing too nuts but unhealthy for sure. I was being overly rude, possessive, clingy cause of stress and he was being lazy, kinda shady and we didn't feel committed as we should. no one cheated but we were not emotionally committed toward the end. he lived with me for 2 months after break up and before moving out. for 5 months i have worked on fixing my mess...my behavior...anything that made me into someone i didnt want to be anymore. and although he was supposed to be doing the same he ended up getting a gf right away..and theyve been together for 3 months now. they practically live together. shes 24 and obsessed with him. he and i have maintained a terrible cycle of NC and breaking NC during the entire 3 months that he has lived in his new place (and been with his gf). he insists that we stay friends...and i tell him i cant cause i'm in love with him. finally 3-4 wks ago i said look in plain english tell me if we are ever going to get our fair second chance or are you in love with her...he told me "I love you and i always will and youre the most amazing woman I have ever known but i can't see myself being in a relationship with you" so thats all i needed to hear and I went NC. I even started dating and i felt relief...like i did all i could...for 4 months I begged this guy for a second chance for us. (we really did mess up toward the end of our relationship) and he couldn't forgive me and he already developed feelings for this girl. so during my most recent NC he texted me a few times about bills and stuff and then last week he apologizes for how he behaved during break up (leading me on and creating hope then crushing it) and then...last monday he leaves a note on my car.. he says he will be at Barnes and Noble at 5:55 and would love for me to show up, just s we can talk....(thats where we first met and "5" was our favorite number...cheesy I know..we're cheesy sometimes)... and i would love to say i didnt show...but i did. we talked, we laughed, we hugged, we were "us"...he still has a gf...they are volleyball partners on 4 leagues, they have a routine they do everyday... and he again asked us to be friends and i said i cant...that if he wants to be in my life it has to be more than friends...he has to give me something to work with...and last thurs he came over for like 5 min and we kissed. nothing full on making out but we kissed. the immature side of me was happy cause he cheated in his gf...the insane side of me was happy cause it let me create a fantasy that he and i still have a chance. this is the most unhealthy thing a woman can do to herself...yet I am doing it. we've seen one another and kissed 2 more times since then. sometimes i Lose it and i text him a billion messages how i hate that he cant just tell her he needs space to figure things out...and he told me he would have to stop his passion...volleyball...if he broke up with her...and he said he cant do that to himself right now.. so here i am...the other woman...the side dish...the letting him have his cake and eat it to because ive convinced myself that if i show him i can calm down and not be so controlling he will give us another chance b/c he sees what we have... why cant i just stop...i cant bring myself to just say "hey i deserve a real second chance and if you ever decide to actually break up with your gf and start fresh with me to see where it can go...thats when you should contact me" i'm scared i will never hear from him again...i'm scared that i have to do this instead...
antinko Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 (edited) He's playing you and being incredibly selfish. Do you really want to be with a guy who cheats? If he did decide to get back with you, he'd become resentful over the volleyball. The only way I can see this working if he, off his own back, was straight and honest with his current girlfriend and then came crawling back to you. He'd have to prove to you that he was trustworthy too. Seriously, you sound like you could do way better. Go completely NC on him and then he might see what he's lost. P.S Also, doesn't it say something about his character if he's with this girl largely due to his love of volleyball? Or didn't I read that part right? If you're the love of his life, then volleyball shouldn't really be an issue. Edited August 3, 2011 by antinko
Author MyHeartHurtsOuch Posted August 3, 2011 Author Posted August 3, 2011 He's playing you and being incredibly selfish. Do you really want to be with a guy who cheats? If he did decide to get back with you, he'd become resentful over the volleyball. The only way I can see this working if he, off his own back, was straight and honest with his current girlfriend and then came crawling back to you. He'd have to prove to you that he was trustworthy too. Seriously, you sound like you could do way better. Go completely NC on him and then he might see what he's lost. P.S Also, doesn't it say something about his character if he's with this girl largely due to his love of volleyball? Or didn't I read that part right? If you're the love of his life, then volleyball shouldn't really be an issue. yup you got that super right. all of it. it is nuts. i mean if he wanted to break up with her he would and it would be harder to keep playing volleyball but he obviously values vball more than me...i mean i cant give him what playing vball does... and yeah i am better off...and i need to stop...but i need to actually do it...and its hard. i find it so so so hard to let go
fetish1980 Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 I know how easy it is to get emotionally wrapped up in someone you still love and care about. But don't be too mad that you're the side dish because you kind of did put yourself there. MyHeart needs to work toward not caring if she ever sees him again. Then she won't put herself in that position as the side piece! fetish
Author MyHeartHurtsOuch Posted August 3, 2011 Author Posted August 3, 2011 I'm just so scared that if i end it now...it being...basically not much..that i will lose this guy forever...but in reality, nothing will ever come out of this anyway right.
antinko Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 I'm just so scared that if i end it now...it being...basically not much..that i will lose this guy forever...but in reality, nothing will ever come out of this anyway right. Tell yourself that you deserve better because you do. Look, I'm going through something similar, only I'm not even my ex's side dish. I would love her back in an ideal world, but the person I want back no longer exists. They've made the choice to move on and, as much as it hurts, it's their loss because they've left caring people behind. Someone else is so much more deserving of your attention. I mean it. I know it's true for me too.
sun_moon Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 I'm just so scared that if i end it now...it being...basically not much..that i will lose this guy forever...but in reality, nothing will ever come out of this anyway right. Ok read what you just wrote. If it ends now....it being...basically not much, I will lose him forever. Guess what, you lost him a long time ago. Unconditional selfless love is letting you go, and he can't bare to do that, he's being a selfish assclown of a coward and you should be angry at the thread he's dangling you on. Simply put, ALL OR NOTHING. HE should be afraid of losing YOU! If I were you, I would go NC AGAIN. You know we are all going to say the same thing, for the sake of your healing. I know you dont want to hear this, but you know its true. If he truly truly truly wants to desperately want to work things out, he would be chasing you, and the volleyball rebound would be history a long long time ago. Look I'm sure he has feelings and loves you, but more importantly he's being selfish and taking care of number 1, himself. Its the type of love that is unhealthy for you, because he doesn't know what unconditional means. So do the same as him, take care of number 1, you. My ex was into many hobbies, one of them being riding bikes, if I heard something like that from his mouth, I would say, well goodbye dont let the door hit you on the way out. Enjoy your cheerleader and your toy bikes. Seriously volleyball vs. love of his life = no brainer decision. Does he really think you were born yesterday? So I suggest that the next breadcrumb of a contact you have with him (without a kiss), you lay it down and say, well thank you for telling me where you stand on this, so now let me tell you where I stand. These are my boundaries, accept them and walk away, enjoy your volleyball. Loose my number. I'm sorry if I seem a bit harsh but I'm so angry for you, does he really think he can get away with this. Dont let him get away with this. Regain your dignity and walk out with you head held high. You've gone through the worse, you know how NC works, you're stronger dont let him pull you down. NC only works if you've accepted the demise of the relationship with no hope, its not a manipulation tactic to get his attention. Think about it.
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