Girls: Is it really terrible to WRITE our thoughts in a letter when ending things??

[Jono85]

I'm one of those people that cannot accurately articulate my feelings all that well in the moment. I'm just curious, b/c I've been dating this really special girl (not exclusive b/c I've been honest with her and told her I wasn't at that point yet). Anyway I really care about her, and I know she's really into me, hard, but I don't see that spark coming (possibly an attraction thing).

 

I'm debating whether it's a bad idea to write out the way I feel about it and send it to her, and ask if we can talk maybe after. Or is that really cheap and you'd rather the guy you're dating to tell you with his words/voice.

 

Why this is so hard is b/c although we've only chilled (we have had sex btw) 5 times (a few weekends in there though) we've probably put in over 150 hrs on the phone in less than 2 months...

 

Ps. we're semi long distance (2 hour drive) so a meet up wouldn't be optimal.

[zengirl]

If you've had sex, she deserves a phone call.

 

The whole "talk after" thing seems weird. But you could totally write down your thoughts for yourself BEFORE the phone call if you really are worried you won't know what to say or whatever. I don't really buy your self-excuse for the reasoning behind the letter---I think it's likely just avoidance of her being upset. She'll likely be upset. Just deal with it. Get your courage up and give her a call and tell her what you need to say.

[Jono85]

Just do it on the phone. Shorter the better, "I've really enjoyed getting to know you over the last several weeks, but don't feel what I would need to feel to move the relationship forward. I am telling you now because I care about you and don't want to waste your time." If she questions you further, be firm on not giving any more than, "I just don't feel that I can move forward into a relationship." Avoid typical cliches and giving out more info than necessary. Avoid a long Email if you go that way. Good luck.

 

Thanks very much for the advice.

 

I def wasn't going to give any typical cliches, and I want to be as honest as I can.

 

 

But back to the question, so if a guy wrote you an email articulating his thoughts, instead of calling you up, would you have any type of "wow he couldn't even call me? what a coward" feelings?? It's not like I don't want to talk to her again, I'd even welcome talking to her about it after she reads/digests it. Bah...maybe I am just being a coward lol. Maybe i'm different, but if it were me, I feel like i'd prefer the girl to write something out and put some thought into it, that way I could really take the time to digest it, and whereas in person i'd be left with questions or things I didn't get a chance/forgot to say etc.

[Jono85]

If you've had sex, she deserves a phone call.

 

The whole "talk after" thing seems weird. But you could totally write down your thoughts for yourself BEFORE the phone call if you really are worried you won't know what to say or whatever. I don't really buy your self-excuse for the reasoning behind the letter---I think it's likely just avoidance of her being upset. She'll likely be upset. Just deal with it. Get your courage up and give her a call and tell her what you need to say.

 

You're probably right, thanks for the feedback.

 

I actually was tearing up this morning when thinking about it, b/c I know I'll hurt her and I would never want to do that. This sucks!

[Jono85]

Not a coward, just someone who wants to do things the right way and wants to avoid hurting someone. Consider avoiding any "follow up" doors left open. It's like a bandaid, tear it off, don't try to ease it off, and once it's done, it's done. You don't want to give any mixed signals or false hope. Written words are much more likely to be misinterpreted than your actual voice telling her. You want NC to be the reasonable course after a single breakup contact, not for it to be a process with steps or stages, especially in light of the short time you have known each other.

 

If it's any consolation, she will likely find fault with how you choose to end it no matter what you do, which is just human nature and makes it easier for her, which is fine. And for all you know, she could be feeling the same. Call, have a definite time limit in mind of no more than ten minutes, and at the end of that call it should be clear to everyone that it is over for good.

 

I agree that NC would be probably be best, for her at least. BUT, it's probably not my place to suggest that. And for some reason I have the feeling she's going to want to keep talking to me (which actually would be fine by me). The thing is she doesn't really have anyone to talk to in her life right now (aside from a couple friends who aren't really great friends to her it seems and take advntage of her good heart). So she always tells me how i'm the one she comes to now to vent or talk about stuff. We literally talk on the phone every night, for no less than an hour, usually at least 2 (the odd odd times 4+).

 

So how should I word things after the fact?? Cuz i don't want to tell her it's not a good idea we talk anymore, seems like that wouldn't be nice? I know it sounds cliche but I would actually want to be friends with her. But I realize it wouldn't be in her best interest (ie. if I were in her shoes, there'd be no way, for a long time anyway).

 

I know she's not feeling the same way btw...too many signs have surfaced, as late as this past weekend.

 

Again, thanks for the advice, very much appreciated.

[April72]

I personally have to write things down sometimes because I need to be able to get my thoughts out uninterrupted. Nothing wrong with it. But if you care at all for her.... hand deliver it. Tell her you just don't see the spark and that you've detailed your feelings in a letter if she wants to read it. And you are open to talking later if she wants.

[Enchanted Girl]

How far away is semi-long distance? In my LDR, he lived 2,000 miles away from me, so breaking up over the phone was fine.

 

If you've had sex, she deserves a phone call.

 

The whole "talk after" thing seems weird. But you could totally write down your thoughts for yourself BEFORE the phone call if you really are worried you won't know what to say or whatever. I don't really buy your self-excuse for the reasoning behind the letter---I think it's likely just avoidance of her being upset. She'll likely be upset. Just deal with it. Get your courage up and give her a call and tell her what you need to say.

 

I would call regardless. And I agree that he's being a coward. He can write it down and then say it to her like you said.

 

I've dated guys for a little while that it just wasn't happening with and had to break up with them. No texts or anything. I told them all directly, using my voice.

 

I think it's really stupid not to do it that way. =/ It hurts them a million times worse than it hurts you.

 

Yes, I had awkward moments where men said,"But I love you" when they had never said it to me before or called me bad names, but it really wasn't that big of deal. I knew they were suffering worse than me. I knew that as soon as that conversation was over, I'd be fine and they'd be unhappy, so it really wasn't a big deal for me to suffer for a short time in order to tell them in the proper way.

[Jono85]

update:

 

we had the talk. did it strictly on phone. there were lots of tears. it was a 3 hr convo. BUT...

 

we agreed to keep talking. which is cool with me. i didn't tell her i NEVER see anything with her just that i haven't felt that spark, and am doubtful it will come if it hasn't by now. she says she understands, but is ok with that and u never know b/c it's still relatively early in terms of actual hangouts (4 times, 1 day date and 3 overnight/weekend dates).

 

since i'm not seeing anyone else or anything, i just went with it. but she understands that i have no feelings of relationship on my mind or feel that connection. i actually ended up crying/tearing on the phone, and got kind of emotional b/c i told her, which is true, how much i care about her and how amazing she is, and how i don't understand why i don't feel like i want a relationship with her.

 

in actuality, it is my lack of attraction for her, but i cannot possibly tell her that as she is already insecure. she's not ugly or anything by any means i just am not attracted to her enough to want to be in a relationship i guess. seems shallow, but i can't help it.

[sm1tten]

While I'm glad you went with the phone talk, I think you left things a little too open, at least how I'm reading it. A person who is into you is going to hear "You're amazing, I don't know why I don't feel this way about you," and doesn't rule it out... may hear "There's still a chance." Which is what she meant by "you never know/it's early."

 

I am finding it utterly weird that you're going to continue talking after this, but maybe that's just me.

[LoveandSuch]

I think it shows great consideration and respect on your part that you are considering a nice well thought out email, I would prefer a phone call.

Sending a text or short inconsiderate email shows all the signs of a wuss, conflict avoider, and loser!

[Jono85]

While I'm glad you went with the phone talk, I think you left things a little too open, at least how I'm reading it. A person who is into you is going to hear "You're amazing, I don't know why I don't feel this way about you," and doesn't rule it out... may hear "There's still a chance." Which is what she meant by "you never know/it's early."

 

I am finding it utterly weird that you're going to continue talking after this, but maybe that's just me.

 

I understand, but who am I to really say there is no chance. We both agree this is a weird situation b/c in reality we haven't hung out all that much (4 times) but b/c of our situations (distance, not a lot of disposable income, etc) we've actually been talking on the phone like i said for probs 150+ hrs already. What I mean is sometimes I feel like i should know by now b/c of how much we know eachother, but at the same time we've only met up on 4 occasions.

 

Everyone says some ppl grow on them, etc. Maybe I'm not all that attracted now, and maybe that changes? I do think she's a great person, so a part of me feels if I'm open and honest about my feelings, then I'm doing my part. And I KNOW she needs me a lot right now (her friends aren't there for her right now and she's going through some things). I'd just feel terrible to tell her I'M the one who feels we should go no contact or something when she knows my lack of feelings etc.

 

But you ARE right. She obviously still sees hope. And I guess all i'm saying is I cannot with certainty KNOW I will never feel those things for her. So maybe it wouldn't hurt to keep talking to her etc. I don't know what else I can do. I'm not sure how long I should give it, maybe another 2 meetups? Who knows.

[sm1tten]

I just don't think it works that way. No, you cannot KNOW with absolute certainty that you aren't going to develop those feelings, but deep down I think you feel that's unlikely, and that's why you broke it off. Otherwise, why not continue exploring things?

 

And no, I don't think you can just grow to be attracted/more attracted to someone. But again, maybe that's just me. For me, I need to be at least 75% attracted to you for it to even start up. We can grow to a point where I am 100% into you, or it can diminish, but I can't start from where you are saying you are and develop an attraction. I don't know if more meetups will help or hurt. I guess I don't understand the point of telling her that you don't have these feelings if you are going to continue trying to develop them. Or maybe I am totally misunderstanding the situation.

[Jono85]

I just don't think it works that way. No, you cannot KNOW with absolute certainty that you aren't going to develop those feelings, but deep down I think you feel that's unlikely, and that's why you broke it off. Otherwise, why not continue exploring things?

 

And no, I don't think you can just grow to be attracted/more attracted to someone. But again, maybe that's just me. For me, I need to be at least 75% attracted to you for it to even start up. We can grow to a point where I am 100% into you, or it can diminish, but I can't start from where you are saying you are and develop an attraction. I don't know if more meetups will help or hurt. I guess I don't understand the point of telling her that you don't have these feelings if you are going to continue trying to develop them. Or maybe I am totally misunderstanding the situation.

 

No you're understanding the situation properly I think. And no, it wasn't my intention when I went into the talk. To tell her all these painful things, and then to continue on dating to see if it would come. I guess I was soft/weak and let her convince me that it was still early and if I do care about her, and I am attracted to her (I did tell her I was, I couldn't just leave that out, it would crush her), then 'why not give it some more time as it's still relatively early'. I know, I'm not sure it was right of me to give in to that, but I guess there's still a part of me that hopes I develop more of an attraction to her, and I always hear about other people gaining attraction as they get to know someone more. So I guess I took the easy way out

 

My plan is to continue talking to her, but more chill (ie. no sexy talk, just as friends). Maybe meet up once or twice more (but don't act like we're a couple or anything, just dating sort of). And if nothing comes, then I'll tell her I can only be your friend, and that's it, take it or leave it (but not so harsh obviously). She obviously needs my support right now if nothing else, and cutting things off cold turkey before she finds a job would be tough on her (that's part of her stress right now; I believe when she starts working she won't have all day to stress/think about us...in fact she even admits that could be part of the reason she's so emotional over it as she's not usually like this).

 

Thanks again for the advice though. I guess I'm not entirely sure if I'm doing the right thing, but I appreciate hearing other sides/opinions on it.