What's the best approach to helping someone when their marriage is ending?

[Thinkalot]

A work colleague, who I am not especially close to, has just told me that his 22 yr marriage is ending, because he has found out his wife has been cheating on him with someone for a year. He is quite devasted. His 19 yr old son also works here and is down too.

 

Despite the fact we aren't very close, he started crying as he told me the story and I gave him a big hug. My heart wants to help him feel better!

 

He surfs, as do my bf and I, so I suggested he come out surfing with us sometimes on weekends. He said that'd be great, and really seemed pleased. He's finding it tough to be alone.

 

I was going to ask him over for a BBQ this weekend, just so he could chat, and hang with us or whatever, have some beers, unwind.

 

My bf thinks he (my work mate) might not want that...it might be too much too soon. My bf who has also come through a divorce, and his ex-wife cheating on him, said he wanted to be alone at that time. But then, people are all different.

 

What do you guys think? What's my best approach here so I can offer some comfort.

[moimeme]

I think you can ask him and leave it to him to decide whether or not he wants to go.

[Thinkalot]

That's what I was thinking I would do. At the very least, he'll know someone cares.

[zarathustra]

I agree. Ask him. I bet he'll enjoy the company and diversion.

[Thinkalot]

Well, he's coming over for dinner tonight. The poor guy caught his wife with the other man.

[Thinkalot]

OK, I have to add this update.

 

Last night my partner and I bought some nice stuff for dinner and dessert, and some beers etc, and set the table and got ready for our guest..... and he didn't show up! No phone call. Nothing.

 

About 2 1/2 hours after he was supposed to show, I rang a friend who knew him and could give me his number ( I'd left the guy's number at work). Then I rang the friend we'd invited over, to make sure he was OK and wasn't lost or anything, and he said.."Yeh sorry I was going to call...I'm just really tired tonight".

 

I said..."oh OK..see you tomorrow". Today at work he has said hello, and mentioned nothing about the dinner.

 

Now, I know he's upset and going through a hard time, and that sometimes when experiencing a break up it can be hard to function normally. But, really, he only had to phone us earlier, around the time he was expected, and said he couldn't make it, and we would have understood perfectly.

 

Bunnyboy and I were a bit miffed quite frankly...and also really hungry by the time I got in touch with him! Anyway, we eventually sat down at our nicely set table and enjoyed the food ourselves!

[moimeme]

So much for helping someone out! Maybe you're getting a tiny inkling of one of the reasons his wife left

 

BTW, I never wait more than a half-hour for a no-show before I get in touch with them. Sometimes the reasons are genuine. My only no-show ever turned out to have been delivering her baby around the time she was due at my place

[Thinkalot]

LOL! I waited that long, because he was going to come over in the afternoon, about 5.30pm (so I thought)...when he didn't show then, I started to think I must have got it wrong (you know...my memory is not always the best ), and that he was going to come later, more around dinner time. But when it got to about 7.45 pm I decided he must not be going to show!

 

had a nice night after that anyway...it was as though we'd planned a nice night for ourselves...so we lit some candles and enjoyed the dinner!

 

I always try to help people and do the best by them...but other people so often don't seem to do that in return.

 

His wife left him because she appears to be having a mid life crisis. She's into drugs now, and a whole different crowd. A sad tale really.

[moimeme]

you know...my memory is not always the best

 

I forgot

[bluechocolate]

Maybe your b/f was right on this one.

 

Regardless, if he accepted a dinner invitation he should have at least called you to say that he couldn't make it. Would have taken all of what? 30 seconds?

 

I always try to help people and do the best by them...but other people so often don't seem to do that in return.

 

Very commendable of you for trying. I wouldn't invite him back again. That doesn't mean you have to cut him off. You can issue a general invitation for a more casual thing, like "a bunch of us are going out for a drink at this time at this place, come along if you feel like it.".

 

 

 

( gosh moi, that sounds like something you said to me once )

[Thinkalot]

bluechocolate...yep, I think we'll limit it to stuff like... "we're going out surfing tomorrow morning...want to come out too" (at least that's a common interest we all have).

 

I like your username and your avatar by the way...is that your dog?

[bluechocolate]

cheers Think...

 

yep - that's my fella, it's a blurry photo, but that's him - always a blur in the park after the squirrels or frantically leaving pee mails everywhere

[Thinkalot]

I love dogs and cats for that matter. We can't own any where we live, but Mum has 2 dogs and 2 cats and we stay out there some weekends, and I love to see them and run on the beach with them.

 

Just back onto the original topic here for a moment...another side effect of asking that guy to dinner and talking about his situation and cheating wife, was that it brought back bad memories for my guy about his ex-wife cheating on him....last night he dreamt I cheated on him! That would never happen. Honestly, I could not live with myself! It's not in my nature. He knows that...but funny how old fears and experiences can resurface in our dreams, when triggered by certain events. We had a laugh about it this morning, considering my previous dreams of him leaving me to return to his ex! (based on MY insecurities).