Annie25 Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 Hi I am new to this site, but have been moping around my room drowning in utter sorrow. Let me give you a brief history of my situation and hopefully, someone can guide me... and try and help me out with some possible answers. A year ago I was in a relationship with a very physically, emotionally and verbally abusive guy. It was one of the worst experiences I have had in my life (or so I thought). It was hard for me to leave because I was manipulated into staying. Furthermore, we both are students at a university far from my home (he lives here). Long story short, I eventually got dragged out of it by friends, had to see a therapist at the university and was sent home for a few weeks to get sorted out before my exams. While I was at home for three weeks, I never went out at all. One evening a friend of 5 or 6 years called me up, saying it would be good for me to get out. My mother agreed. I went out with him and his cousin and his cousins girlfriend who I had met for the first time. Long story short, I had one drink at the bar, went to the bathroom and he had a drink waiting for me already when I returned. I was super wasted after TWO drinks and throwing up. He took me back to his place even though I wanted to go home. He raped me and it took me a few weeks to actually fit the pieces of the puzzle together because i had blacked out so many times. All I could remember initially was him telling me he had been in love with me for so long, and then waking up to find myself in his bed, undressed. I was so angry, I didnt know if I should cry or just drop dead and couldnt understand why all this was happening to me. I went back to varsity and felt worse than I did before. A month later I miss my period and discover, I was pregnant. Confirmed that I had been raped. I have an abortion, write my exams and go home for 2months for the holidays. God alone knows how I got through that phase in my life. I felt like NOTHING. I started meditating and reading self help books. realised that speaking to therapists were not helping that much. I never thought I would be raped by my friend and would have to face a choice of terminating pregnancy or keeping a baby I didnt want... So from November 2010 until February I become a new person, happy, had forgiven both the men i allowed into my life and hurt me and decided to look forward. I am an amazing strong woman who is capable of doing anything. okay... sorry i know i meant to keep that brief. But here comes in a new problem. March I meet an amazing man, he makes me feel like a million dollars and i am hesitant to get into another relationship for no other reason than I am afraid 'I' would not give it my all. He soothes me and tell me he understands what I have been through and would never hurt me. It takes time for me to open up to him about things but I eventually do because he startes getting upset that I dont. I tell him most of what I went through with my ex and then tell him I was raped by my friend. I dont tell him about the pregnancy and abortion. He tells me maybe the rape could have been avoided. By that time, we are both already hopelessly in love and I start believing again that maybe I shouldnt have gone out that night. He apologises for what he says and I forgive him. During my exams in June, he breaks up with me when I needed him the most. He gives no explanation except for "its not working anymore" ... I try very hard to try and reason with him and to get him to explain things more to me, he pushes me away and treats me really badly. Calls me bad names and even deletes and blocks me off facebook. Just to add in, when we first met, I kissed another guy at a club, we were not dating at that point though and he just never got over it. Saw it as me cheating because I knew how he felt about me. Everyday since then I have been trying to get him to open up to me, make me understand how he could love me so much, claim to have wanted to marry me and then suddeny he just walks away. He didnt even come to see me to break up with me, he just called. After my exams I went to him before I went home and tried to sort things out. He held me so much, cudlled me, but still told me no and to stop bringing it up. I feel so lonely, I finally got over the worst experiences in my life, moved on, met someone who was so lovely in the beginning and then just get thrown away for no reason, thing is, he continued speaking to me every single day after we broke up. He even called me more than I called him but made me feel like I was forcing him. Said its not that he doesnt feel anything for me, its just that he cant be with me. Recently he unblocked me on facebook and i found that he had added girls from my friend list, one of them is a girl who is friends with my ex (the one who abused me last year) I told about who she was and he said he was really sorry, he didnt know, he would delete her off facebook (and he did) and stop speaking to her. Later that night I discovered that he was sending kisses and writing on another girls wall while I was writing my exams, at the time I needed him the most. When I asked him about it, he said he had no feelings for her and she was just a friend. I have asked him from the day he broke up with me, if he had met someone else, I asked if he wants to move on and he always told me no and said he has never lied to me and never will. After seeing those wallposts by him to another girl when we had barely broken up, I decided to stop speaking to him. The next morning he called me again and I told him I was serious about not wanting any contact with him, I told him he had lied to me all the time to keep me stringing along. He knew if he had told me the truth I would stop feeling anything for him. Why he didnt tell me the truth and kept me stringing along i dont know. HE insists to this day that he never lied to me and that I just refuse to believe in him. So later that day, I get fed up. Leave a status on my facebook saying that i realised I had never felt anything for him, coz it was a big lie. And I had been strung along for the past few months, been hammered down only to be used as his emotional punching bag. We both are not friends on facebook but have open profiles. A few hours after I leave that status, he adds the girl who is friends with my ex, again on facebook. I realise he is using my past to hurt me, or is it the case? How is it that when we first met we had no mutual friends even on fb. Now he has added ONLY girls from my facebook and while he blocked me. He obviously unblocked me, added these people and then blocked me again??? why would he do that? Why would he apologise about speaking to her and say he never would have had he known who she was, and now, adds her again. I havent spoken to him since sunday morning when I told him to leave me alone. I feel so hurt, and used, and ugly... I dont deserve this but I dont understand why he did and does these things... Any help?
shayla Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 You have been through hell and I am so sorry about that. This man came along and he was better than what you had. Okay. But when it was discovered that he spent the relationship lying to you, he showed you who he really was. Be grateful that you were shown before years had gone by. And know that no matter what some man says or does, it doesn't make you less than. No one determines your worth except you. Remember that and don't allow that man the satisfaction of seeing and reading you react on Facebook. Stop reading his page, stop accepting his crumbs, you deserve so much more than that. life is too short to put up with his game playing and his foolishness. Treat him like he never existed.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 Rewind back to the point where you were seeing a therapist. Then go back and re-apply yourself to the healing process that goes straight through that procedure. It would make the most sense that there were abusive/traumatic factors way back in your childhood which predisposed you to at least the relationship with the abusive guy. In order to heal properly, you would need to address any such factors (which could even include substance abuses in your immediate family back there). The motivation for dedicating yourself to therapy NOW, is to preserve the chance that you could land and endure a truly thriving, "normal" relationship 5 or 10 years in the future. The alternative, is to soon meet still another in what will be a long line of abusive men, thus perhaps sealing your fate and that of your future children, for a lifetime.
Author Annie25 Posted August 4, 2011 Author Posted August 4, 2011 I have seriously thought about that, and to be very honest, I have not been abused in any sort of way growing up. I grew up in a loving home and always had people around for me. My family does however have very high expectations of me, and thus, I dont confide in them about the things that have happened to me. I have started therapy again as of this morning. I have dated many other guys in the past who were not abusive, so I am not sure I agree with you on the whole predisposing myself to abusive men because of childhood issues?? What are your thoughts on this?
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