Philosoraptor Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 We both had love, we both had the effort... but we were a square peg trying to fit into a round hole. Why on earth can't love be enough? We both tried to the point that we got angry, depressed, and bitter at life. It just doesn't seem fair that two people could give their all for so many years and not have things work out in the end. For almost 5 years we tried and in the end there was still heartbreak. Neither of us wanted to give up, it just became hopeless. Now there is only hurt. I don't know how to make my dreams come true without her and I don't know how I could live with her making our shared dreams come true without me being the one to share them with her. Don't get me wrong, I want nothing but the best for her and I really hope she finds someone to make all of those dreams come true... but why couldn't it be me? Has anyone been in a relationship where both people gave their everything and even with all the love there, still failed to make things work? Can anyone explain to me why love can't be enough to get through things like this? Please anyone... I need advice and help.
perpetual_illusion Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 I'm in a similar boat as you, it seems more emotionally than circumstantially, though. Everything makes me think of her and all the things that I wanted to experience in life with her. Unless she's the world's best actress when it comes to relationships, we really loved each other, but the last few weeks changed her mind about our compatibility. I'm starting to think this is where the fault comes in. How could something so strong break? As you said yourself, you were "a square peg trying to fit into a round hole." That's a compatibility issue. I'm starting to believe that even with incredibly strong love, the fault that is created by compatibility, becomes a breaking point. Enough stress on that fault, and it splits down the middle. There's a stronger love out there for you my friend, you'll find it.
Author Philosoraptor Posted August 3, 2011 Author Posted August 3, 2011 Neither of us wanted to give up, we shared dreams and wants for the future. Why can't love fix everything? Why do so many external factors outside of the love have to cause issues? My therapist told me that I'm a romantic and I see that totally. The only way I could pull away whatsoever was to get angry and mean, and I hated doing that. But if I didn't do that I would just be on my knees begging her, begging God, to help me find the answers to make it work. Nothing should be allowed to hurt this bad. The only way I could pull away was to put obstacles in the way that would prevent us from being together, and I tried but even with all I did... it just doesn't feel like anything could stop us if we had the answers. I love her, I want her, and I want to fight until the day I die for her. I just wish that love had all of the answers.
perpetual_illusion Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 I honestly don't know man. Like I said, I'm almost in the same boat as you as far as not understanding how love just isn't enough to fix some things. Maybe you should really try to take a step back from everything, reconnect with who you are as you. Maybe then the answers will come.
Author Philosoraptor Posted August 3, 2011 Author Posted August 3, 2011 That's what I have done. I've stepped back and looked at things and can see how much I could have done differently. Things were just hurt so badly that even though I was giving all that I could give, I wasn't able to give it all anymore. I was too scared to keep trying and would rather have cauterized the would right away then to take a risk that it would bleed out for a long time. And all it did was cause that, in the end I can see that I destroyed things because I wasn't able to work as hard as she was at the end. It seemed like it worked that way as well, when either of us was working their hardest the other wasn't. If I could only have one more chance I could do everything she suggested. We should have went to counsiling for the issues because they were not mountains, I just let the mole hills become them. I'm going to ask for another chance but I don't really think I will get it. She's moving on well and though I love her with all my heart, I don't want to ruin what she has going on. If I could just go back a month I could be in a wonderful place rather than a dark miserable one. She showed me how to love and I will never not appreciate that. http://www.songmeanings.net/songs/view/70616/
1784 Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 Hey, I understand where you are coming from. I had a very similar experience to a certain degree. What it came down to was love vs. compatibility. It you Google it you'll see lots of articles on that subject. You can have all the love in the world but if the two of you aren't really compatible then it'll never work. Some people stay in incompatible relationships for way too long thinking "But I love her". Unfortunately love isn't the only ingredient to the formula for happiness. It's a hard thing to accept. Believe me, I know. My ex and I had a lot of love between us. In the end, though, we just woke up with different agendas. Different ways of going about life. It's that day to day stuff that you sometimes have to take a closer look at. On paper things can seem great but when you really dig deep into why things didn't work, do you come up blank? I doubt it. When you're honest with yourself you really do know why love wasn't enough. It's sad, it really is. But the sooner you get to acceptance the sooner you'll get to happiness. Not the most UPBEAT response on earth but it's not an easy situation. Love alone is simply not enough. The romantic in you wants to believe it is. I know I wanted to believe it. But it just isn't. Life isn't that simple and neither are lasting relationships.
Audrina Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 We both had love, we both had the effort... but we were a square peg trying to fit into a round hole. Why on earth can't love be enough? We both tried to the point that we got angry, depressed, and bitter at life. It just doesn't seem fair that two people could give their all for so many years and not have things work out in the end. For almost 5 years we tried and in the end there was still heartbreak. Neither of us wanted to give up, it just became hopeless. Now there is only hurt. I don't know how to make my dreams come true without her and I don't know how I could live with her making our shared dreams come true without me being the one to share them with her. Don't get me wrong, I want nothing but the best for her and I really hope she finds someone to make all of those dreams come true... but why couldn't it be me? Has anyone been in a relationship where both people gave their everything and even with all the love there, still failed to make things work? Can anyone explain to me why love can't be enough to get through things like this? Please anyone... I need advice and help. Absolutely. I have been there before. My ex and I were engaged to be married and we were presented with a very unique set of trying circumstances and decided to attempt to make our relationship work despite of it. And we did, it we fought our battles together, we leaned on each other for support, we were there for each through thick and thin. Eventually he withdrew from the relationship, he got depressed and I understood. He kept telling me how much he loved me and I kept telling him I love him too and I wanted us to get through this. In the end love wasn't enough, he needed to make more of an effort and because of love I stood by him even after the bad days had way out numbered the good. When we broke up I remember I actually told him: "Love has nothing to do with why I'm doing this" and he told me he knew. You can love all you want, but without action behind that love you remain stagnant. Sad but true. Life isn't a fairy tale.
perpetual_illusion Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 Hey 1784, thanks for that. It seems like compatibility may be the key. Although, I think she's giving up too early, she cited incompatibility as the main reason and I disagree with the aspects about me that she said she wasn't compatible with. I feel like she judging me from the past month or so and I haven't really been me during that time. Maybe she'll realize that, maybe I'll realize we really weren't compatible, maybe the fact that she's willing to give up so easily means we're not compatible. Definitely something to think about.
1784 Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 The one thing you have to realize is that it's never just one thing that breaks people apart. They may cite one thing but in their mind they have been building 'a case' against your relationship for some time. Compatibility is a pretty broad term and can mean a lot of different things. And yeah, maybe she was judging you from the "past month or so" where you really weren't yourself but chances are that behavior was just a further exclamation point on her 'case'. I don't mean to be so matter of fact. Here's the thing... what you DO need to accept is that whatever the reason(s) she did have to break it off, it doesn't really matter all that much. Now I know that when we get dumped we do all we can to try and figure it out. To figure THEM out. But we are not them, as much as we think we know them. What you have to come to grips with is that you probably will not ever know all of the reasons she had for breaking up with you. These things can be deep-seeded. They are from her. Everything that makes her up. And since you are you, viewing the world from your perspective, it's generally pretty hard to know ALL of the reasons why someone does the things they do. So what you have to be okay with is... not knowing. Seriously. It's one of the hardest things that I've had to accept about my own breakup. I've replayed it, thought on it, tried to make sense of it, replayed everything again, tried to figure it out, had imaginary conversations with her in my head, etc. This went on for a while and after time time and space (not to mention invaluable wisdom from LS and other resources) I realized that I will never know 100% why she did the things she did or didn't do. I just won't. But you do NOT need these answers to move on. Closure comes from within. You just need to accept it and then make peace with it. It's not easy but you can and will do it. I promise. -1784
moontiger Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 (edited) Has anyone been in a relationship where both people gave their everything and even with all the love there, still failed to make things work? Can anyone explain to me why love can't be enough to get through things like this? Please anyone... I need advice and help. Yes. We loved each other, so much. I knew him inside and out, we trusted each other with our lives--but it just wasn't working. There was the distance, there were his rotating shifts, there was that he couldn't find a job nearby--but more than it all, he wasn't happy. As with your relationship, the molehills turned into mountains. He kept looking to me to make him happy...he thought if he could change me into his vision of perfection, everything would be OK. He thought if we got engaged, if we moved in together, it would all be fine. But he just couldn't be happy, because he wasn't happy to begin with. He wanted to travel, he wanted to climb mountains, he wanted to do a PhD. And I wanted a quiet normal stable life with kids. And no matter how hard I tried I couldn't enjoy the life he wanted, and he couldn't enjoy mine. So he pulled away. In the last month he distanced himself. He made excuses about how he couldn't come and see me because of his cat. He acted like he didn't care, but I know he did. He became depressed and angry and mean, because, like you, it was the only way he could let go. He saw a counselor. And finally three weeks ago he took a deep breath and broke it off. I am not in contact with him. But I know he's hurting; two nights ago I woke up in the middle of the night and somehow I felt it...I felt him needing me and lonely and crying somewhere. He's hurting like I'm hurting. He's hurting so he can't think or breathe. He's hurting for the engagement and the future we lost, and because he doesn't understand--just like you and I don't understand--how two people can give everything and commit to each other and still not be happy together. How two people can be together and still be alone. Isn't "love" supposed to be a verb? Best wishes philosoraptor. If the time scale on your relationship were two years instead of five, I would think you were him writing. I miss him. Edited August 3, 2011 by moontiger
Author Philosoraptor Posted August 4, 2011 Author Posted August 4, 2011 Eventually he withdrew from the relationship, he got depressed and I understood. He kept telling me how much he loved me and I kept telling him I love him too and I wanted us to get through this. In the end love wasn't enough, he needed to make more of an effort and because of love I stood by him even after the bad days had way out numbered the good. When we broke up I remember I actually told him: "Love has nothing to do with why I'm doing this" and he told me he knew. You can love all you want, but without action behind that love you remain stagnant. Sad but true. Life isn't a fairy tale. Sounds a lot like me, instead of communicating and expressing my needs I let things slip away. She came back to the house today and we talked some, there might be some hope but it sure wont be easy... but it seems so worth it. I guess I need to give it one more fighting chance before I can truly give up. No reservations and lets just see how strong love really is. I'm hoping for the best, but can accept it if things do not work out. It seemed like when we tried our best, we never really did it at the same time. I'm all in this time, everything on the line and no regrets no matter what happens. At least we will know that things just couldn't work if they don't, and if they do then maybe all of our dreams can come true. When it's just me and you Who knows what we could do If we can just make it through The toughest part of the day But everything changes If I could Turn back the years If you could Learn to forgive me Then I could Learn how to feel Then we could Stay here together And we could Conquer the world If we could Say that forever Is more than just a word
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