Teknoe Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 (edited) I had an hour conversation with an older, trusted male friend the other day. It was a hard-hitting conversation, and the kind that I hope will propel me to make some key life changes. The last several girls I really, REALLY liked... they all ended up bad for me. I realized the common denominator here wasn't them, it was ME. And that's hard to swallow, but when you finally admit it, it's also quite liberating. I see a lot of guys in the same boat posting over and over the same topics here on LoveShack. Here is the best advice I can pass on. It was a link my friend eventually emailed to me. It is a little radical, yes. But fellas, really, has what you've been doing WORKING out? It hasn't, has it. Why not stop obsessing about girls and instead focus all that energy on becoming the real man your future wife would want. I know many of us just want to have a girlfriend. But as my friend told me, relationships are more than just two people liking each other. There's gotta be some greater purpose... "OK say you tell the girl I like you, and she says Well I like you too. Great. But now what?" And it's true. Even if my crush liked me back, if I didn't have some sort of life goal or vision or plan... the relationship would never last anyway. We can't think short-term here, guys. If we do, we're just setting up a big epic fail. We gotta be about something MORE than just wanting a girlfriend. Anyway, I hope this resonates with at least one guy here. If it helps out one dude on here, I'm happy. Two, I mean. Because it's already helped out me. I'm done chasing crushes. I'm going to take care of myself first, make sure I become more self-sufficient, driven, etc. The girl will come in the perfect timing. Sitting at home 24/7 obsessing about a girl is not what a REAL WOMAN wants in her man. That's not a man... that's a boy who still hasn't grown up. --- I remember being young and shy. I remember not knowing what to say to the girls who made my heart flutter. I remember the nervousness I had when talking to them or calling them on the phone. So, at that time, was I ready for a dating relationship? No, I wasn’t. Why is that…? Women who I’ve talked to in discussing what they are looking for in a mate said that they wanted a strong man, a man of integrity, a man who has a sense of purpose and direction, someone who wants to provide for his wife, is willing to work hard, and a man who will fight for what is right. Women, am I right? When I was a teenager, I wrote down what I was going to say to the girl I was calling so that I would have a visual verbal guide to reduce my nervousness. Is that the picture of strength and boldness she was looking for? lol No… it wasn’t. That doesn’t mean that I didn’t become that man in the future, it’s just that I wasn’t ready and mature at that time – and if I could have gone back in time and advised myself, I would have told myself: “Don’t worry about dating so much. Spend time maturing, learning, and growing into the man that she (whoever she is) will want to be with someday. She’ll come in her timing and God’s timing.” So, when are guys ready to date? If you’re not that bold man filled with integrity at this time, then you’re not yet ready. That’s okay, start – or continue – training. Seek out opportunities to work hard, serve, learn, and if a situation comes along where a woman’s honor should be defended – then defend it. But what if you’re interested in a girl now? What do you do? Try this on for size: Ask her father what you can do to learn about her and win her heart. “Are you kidding me?!? Do you know how scary that would be?” That’s okay, not everyone is ready to fight for and win the heart of a woman. Remember, loving her is about seeking her best interests and her needs above your own; so, if you’re really interested in her, then approach her father and tell him so. Ask him what he would recommend that you do – after all, he has a vested interest in making sure that his daughter is protected and wants to know that the guy that eventually will sweep her off of her feet loves her just as much as he does. The best series I’ve ever gone through in learning how to become a man is by Robert Lewis and titled: The Quest for Authentic Manhood. In this course, he creates a no-nonsense definition of what it is to be a man that you can firmly grasp. It is well worth the time and investment to do so. Edited August 3, 2011 by Teknoe
musemaj11 Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 (edited) Just lose weight and hit the gym. A lot easier than the other alternatives. Instead of reading stupid books like that that teaches men to be sad doormats, try reading something like The Manipulated Man by Esther Vilar. Edited August 3, 2011 by musemaj11
LLovaGuy Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 Greetings to the forum. I wish to be a part of thediscussion by stating that even though it’s difficult for a number of people to have a relationship, it can happen learning the correct approach. Fortunately there’s quite an amount of excellent material now available online to help guys who may want good advice on where to start. It doesn’t have to be all that hard, its all about following the right dating guidelines. Thanks.
Queen Zenobia Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 This is extremely over the top. No offense OP. The guys on here who post about not being able to get girlfriends merely lack confidence and general comfort-ability around women. Some more than others of course. Good luck, and get some confidence!
grkBoy Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 The first bolded statement is good advice. I think men and women need to stop worrying and pushing and pressuring themselves to "find someone". Forget the 30th birthday and people wondering why you're not married yet. Forget the worry of missing your time to have kids. Forget society and everything else and just work to make yourself happy in life. Treat love and a SO as an added bonus to it all. Grow to the point where you bring someone into your life because you like what that person brings to your life. Forget the ideas that you must or want someone on your arm and to rid yourself of the "single" label.
somedude81 Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 Self-improvement is an ongoing process that is never complete. Because of that, it's not possible to wait till you are the man you want to be before you start dating. Ask her father what you can do to learn about her and win her heart. ROFL Maybe if the father was selling his daughter off or something. The only time I'd ever see a man doing that, is when he's already in an established relationship with the girl. For all other situations it's ridiculous.
Author Teknoe Posted August 3, 2011 Author Posted August 3, 2011 Self-improvement is an ongoing process that is never complete. Because of that, it's not possible to wait till you are the man you want to be before you start dating. We've talked about this before. No one is perfect, nor will anyone EVER be perfect. We're not talking about reaching some fancy perfection level here before you can start dating. But it's clear there's a difference between a person who is carrying 2 bags of baggage versus someone carrying 10. The key is to reduce your baggage as much as possible (i.e. working on improving patience, confidence, self-sufficiency, controlling any anger issues you might have, etc.). Basically, working on your integrity and being a man of your word. Look at the guys who are in successful dating relationships. The guys I know certainly aren't perfect, but I see they're driven, have integrity and have managed to reduce their baggage. They're ABOUT SOMETHING other than having a girlfriend. I talk to them and I get a sense of their life purpose. We all need one. ROFL Maybe if the father was selling his daughter off or something. The only time I'd ever see a man doing that, is when he's already in an established relationship with the girl. For all other situations it's ridiculous. Maybe not as ridiculous as you think. Like I said, it's on the radical thinking side. One thing I've noticed with you is you are quick to scoff and reject any idea that you are against, rather than being at least somewhat open minded and teachable. You are adamant and set in your own ways. Guys who are like this tend to grow slower than guys who are willing to see things differently than how they always have, especially for guys who haven't been satisfied with where they are in life. Take for example that crush of yours. You obviously had a fear of talking with her parents. Anyone who is serious about a girl, should not be afraid of talking with her parents. It's a big part of her life, after all. Let's be honest here, you wanted to be her boyfriend badly, but you weren't ready because you really didn't want to take risks outside your comfort zone. You were asking LoveShack if and how you should get her to drink alcohol so she may loosen up for a kiss. Let me ask you a rhetorical question... is this a man some woman will want to date, or simply a boy who hasn't grown up yet? Not trying to come off harsh here so please don't misinterpret. But I speak the truth in love... that's when real change can happen. No sugar coating. Think about it: ARE YOU THE MAN SOME WOMAN WOULD WANT TO BE WITH? If you're overanalyzing about how to kiss her, whether to use alcohol or not, refusing to speak with her parents much (I know that dinner was a pity invite but still... I get the sense you don't feel comfortable speaking with people your age or older, that's why you went for this girl who is significantly younger than you)... maybe it's time to go back to the drawing board and work on you. I rather you start this process now than start it 5 years from now when you've finally realized this is what you should have done all along. Don't give me that "I've already tried it!" rant. Maybe you have, but you're still chasing girls. That's not how it works. I'd seriously consider taking 6-12 months off chasing girls and focusing on building a life plan or vision. You're 30 now, where do you see yourself in the next half decade? Why don't you take the next year to work on that, instead of working on your latest crush (which will most likely not work out if you keep your current status quo). Look I know this may be hard to hear, trust me, I've heard it MYSELF. But it helps a lot to hear the truth from someone who cares, and from someone who sees the same repeating pattern of doom. I wish you all the best. My advice is up to you to take it or not. You can take whatever you want of it. All I can do is say it (which I already have), now it's up to you to process it however you wish.
somedude81 Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 We've talked about this before. No one is perfect, nor will anyone EVER be perfect. We're not talking about reaching some fancy perfection level here before you can start dating. But it's clear there's a difference between a person who is carrying 2 bags of baggage versus someone carrying 10. The key is to reduce your baggage as much as possible (i.e. working on improving patience, confidence, self-sufficiency, controlling any anger issues you might have, etc.). Basically, working on your integrity and being a man of your word. Fair enough. Look at the guys who are in successful dating relationships. The guys I know certainly aren't perfect, but I see they're driven, have integrity and have managed to reduce their baggage. They're ABOUT SOMETHING other than having a girlfriend. I talk to them and I get a sense of their life purpose. We all need one. Yes, having a purpose and a dream you want to accomplish is very important. Take for example that crush of yours. You obviously had a fear of talking with her parents. Anyone who is serious about a girl, should not be afraid of talking with her parents. It's a big part of her life, after all. I have no fear of meeting her parents. In fact, I would love to because it is a sign that a relationship is developing. But right now, I am just a friend who wants something more. The advice you posted essentially told me to go talk to her dad and ask him what I can do to make his daughter like me. Do you see how weird that is? I need to win her over first. Let's be honest here, you wanted to be her boyfriend badly, but you weren't ready because you really didn't want to take risks outside your comfort zone. You were asking LoveShack if and how you should get her to drink alcohol so she may loosen up for a kiss. Do you have any idea how many first intimate contacts had alcohol involved? It's pretty much accepted that alcohol makes women horny. But from what I've researched; it doesn't really do that, but lets them stop holding themselves back. I could go on but it's a little off topic. Not trying to come off harsh here so please don't misinterpret. But I speak the truth in love... that's when real change can happen. No sugar coating. Think about it: ARE YOU THE MAN SOME WOMAN WOULD WANT TO BE WITH? Damn right I am. As far as I can tell, the only reason I've had so much trouble is because I'm not considered physically attractive. I also have a slight speech impediment that makes it hard for me to talk when I'm nervous or excited. Because of that, women have not really given me a chance. I know I'd be a great boyfriend. I get the sense you don't feel comfortable speaking with people your age or older, that's why you went for this girl who is significantly younger than you) Sorry, you're just grasping at straws. I have no issue talking with people my age or older. Her age is not a reason why I'm interested in her. She's pretty, has a great personality and we have a ton of common interests. It doesn't matter if she's 21 or 31. Don't give me that "I've already tried it!" rant. Maybe you have, but you're still chasing girls. That's not how it works. I'd seriously consider taking 6-12 months off chasing girls and focusing on building a life plan or vision. You're 30 now, where do you see yourself in the next half decade? Why don't you take the next year to work on that, instead of working on your latest crush (which will most likely not work out if you keep your current status quo). Chasing girls has no effect on building a life plan o'vision. That's basically what I said earlier about self-improvement being never ending. Frankly, I'm not getting any younger. At 35, I'd be done with college and hopefully doing IT for company making good money. Hopefully I'd be a couple years into a serious LTR. I'm already on my career path I just need to get the relationship thing started. Because without it, nothing else really matters.
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