Beating myself up

[Zaphod B]

I am so fed up with beating myself up when I make mistakes, particularly with members of the opposite sex. It seems to go on for days afterwards. Why can't I just accept my mistakes and move on?

 

Another big problem is trying to forgive myself. I still flinch over things that happened ten years ago. What's with that?

 

Any tips on how to quit beating oneself up and how to learn to forgive oneself?

[antinko]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t289005/

 

Perhaps try reading the above thread. I haven't perfected my new outlook on life yet, but it's certainly an improvement.

[Kamille]

Mistakes? What do you mean mistakes? I know what it feels like to say something that isn't well received, but that isn't a mistake per se, just a sign of humans being humans and misunderstanding each other. As such, it doesn't really make sense to me to think of human interactions in terms of mistakes.

[akazid]

I'm proud of my mistakes. Without them I wouldn't be who I am and wouldn't have found the great friends who are acceptive and forgiving.

Edited August 3, 2011 by akazid

[Ruby Slippers]

This is one of the big things I'm working on in therapy right now. Mostly due to my dad's extremely critical emotional and verbal abuse for most of my life, I'm inclined to be very self-critical and tough on myself.

 

On one hand, it's not so bad, because I push myself hard, expect the best from myself, and have accomplished a lot as a result. Many people comment to me that it's amazing how much I get done and how many exceptional and cool things I've done.

 

But on the other hand, it's exhausting to sometimes feel that nothing I do is ever good enough, no matter how wonderful it is.

 

Here are some of the things I've been doing to try to stop being so hard on myself:

 

1. Accept myself as I am. This was actually my New Year's resolution. It sounds so simple, but it's not simple for me. Too often, I am inclined to wish that I were better, that I had done something better. So now I try to accept myself as I am. If I'm having a blah day and don't get as much done, that's OK. If I don't handle a situation as well as I would have liked, that's OK. The beauty of accepting yourself as you are is that it gives you a sense of freedom and lightness, which lets you accomplish more and enjoy things more. When you're not putting all this pressure on yourself to be something you're not, you are free to improve and grow.
    
   
2. Answer negative self-talk with positive self-talk. This is a habit I've been working on for a while. When I say something defeatist in my mind, like, "You're never going to meet a good guy," I try to answer with something like, "You meet cool, interesting people wherever you go, and you're going to meet a lot of good guys. Walk around with that attitude and see what happens." And when I try it, I immediately see all these cool guys making eyes at me and smiling! When I'm in a negative frame of mind, nothing.
    
   
3. Suspend judgment and be forgiving and understanding with my friends. When I do this, they do it, too, and then I start doing the same for myself.
    
   
4. Take good care of myself. This means eating healthy, exercising regularly, doing yoga, taking time to relax, and all that good stuff. It makes a huge difference.
   

 

Good luck.

[Zaphod B]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t289005/

 

Perhaps try reading the above thread. I haven't perfected my new outlook on life yet, but it's certainly an improvement.

 

Thanks for the link. It was very good and there was something there that may help a lot.

 

Mistakes? What do you mean mistakes? I know what it feels like to say something that isn't well received, but that isn't a mistake per se, just a sign of humans being humans and misunderstanding each other. As such, it doesn't really make sense to me to think of human interactions in terms of mistakes.

 

Yeah, I can kind of see what you're saying, but then I go over the thing in my mind and do the old "woulda, coulda shoulda" thing and keep wishing I could go back to before it happened and change what I said and did.

 

 

I'm proud of my mistakes. Without them I wouldn't be who I am and wouldn't have found the great friends who are acceptive and forgiving.

 

I do learn from my mistakes and I try to think of that as a positive thing, like "Hey, I've learnt something here and I'll know better for next time..." but then I always drift back to the old "Oh if only I hadn't done that/said that" and lament over what I lost because of it.

 

 

I'm inclined to be very self-critical and tough on myself.

 

Yep, that's me. Good thing I had decent parents, although the religious upbringing was detrimental to me in many ways. Sure it had some positives, but way too many negatives.

 

 

 

Accept myself as I am. This was actually my New Year's resolution. It sounds so simple, but it's not simple for me. Too often, I am inclined to wish that I were better, that I had done something better. So now I try to accept myself as I am. If I'm having a blah day and don't get as much done, that's OK. If I don't handle a situation as well as I would have liked, that's OK. The beauty of accepting yourself as you are is that it gives you a sense of freedom and lightness, which lets you accomplish more and enjoy things more. When you're not putting all this pressure on yourself to be something you're not, you are free to improve and grow.

1. 
    
   
2. Answer negative self-talk with positive self-talk. This is a habit I've been working on for a while. When I say something defeatist in my mind, like, "You're never going to meet a good guy," I try to answer with something like, "You meet cool, interesting people wherever you go, and you're going to meet a lot of good guys. Walk around with that attitude and see what happens." And when I try it, I immediately see all these cool guys making eyes at me and smiling! When I'm in a negative frame of mind, nothing.
    
   
3. Suspend judgment and be forgiving and understanding with my friends. When I do this, they do it, too, and then I start doing the same for myself.
    
   
4. Take good care of myself. This means eating healthy, exercising regularly, doing yoga, taking time to relax, and all that good stuff. It makes a huge difference.
   

Good luck.

 

Some good things to think about. I think your second point about positive attitude really stood out. I shall try it. Thanks.

Edited August 3, 2011 by Zaphod B

[KME39]

Well just recently in my own therapy have I really gotten it about forgiving myself.

 

You can't fix what has happened in the past. The only thing you can do with anything that has happened in the past is to learn from it. It will continue to happen again and again unless you figure out what you have learned from the mistakes.

 

You can't predict the future. Worrying about things that MIGHT happen is not healthy. I have spent half my life worrying about the stupidest things that have never come true. I have spent to much nervous energy worrying about dumb things. The only thing it has gotten me is major heartburn and heartache.

 

You live for the moment and stay in the moment. My truck has been broken on and off for 3 weeks now. I have been worrying about it because I am also going through a bitter separation and realizing that I will not have my hubby to rely on during thsi time of stress. It is not enough reason for me to stay with him when he isn't that supportive. I took my truck to the dealership and asked them to contact me with an estimate. They didn't return my calls so I called them. It is just something that is going to cost about 600 to replace. I was worried about it being 2,000 to fix. Granted with having to move and so on the 600 is going to hurt but not nearly as much as 2000.

 

I also am trying very hard to lose this last 15-20 lbs. I have a certain weight that I want to be, and right now with all the stress in my life my body is NOT letting go of this weight for anything. So instead of throwing in the towel and going OH well. I am just going to keep plugging away at it, the weight will come off when my body is ready to release it. I have never been at the weight that I want to be, or where i am now so my body is adjusting. I have lost almost 100 lbs in less than a year, so the body is freaking out.

[Zaphod B]

I'm hearing ya KME. I'm like that too. Worry about things and they never quite end up as bad as I expect. I've listened to a lot of Tony Robbins CDs and am thinking about going through them again. There was some things that I got from listening to them about how just because you failed in the past, doesn't mean you're going to fail in the future. And that the mistakes of the past should be seen as opportunities to learn so that next time you'll be better equiped and more likely to succeed. You can bet I'm gonna learn all I can from my mistakes, but it still doesn't stop me from dwelling on them though.