wilsonx Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 Ok, so I have this friend who has been in a 11 year string along relationship. Seriously, you guys/gals wonder why NC is so important, she has been strung along by this guy for the past 11 almost 12 years. He lives in another state and she visits him and has tried moving in with him twice but moved out shortly there after both times. Its almost like both of them are too much of cowards for one of them just to end the relationship. Her brother-in-law one of my good friends is absolutely beyond trying to deal with it because its seriously an 11 year string along. She told me 2 weeks ago that he's a great guy but she is starting to realize that hes not the one for her but then he calls and texts and its like she back to being brain washed by him.
smudge21 Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 Tough one, as maybe both of them realise they've invested so much of their lives into each other they can't bring themselves to end it. It would be like giving up on the last 12 years. That's a big ask.
Mack05 Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 (edited) Wilsox, I was 22 when I met my first love. We stayed together 7 years. I would say we were happy in general until the last year when both of us stopped trying. The love slowly but surely left the relationship. We hardy ever saw each other the last 12 months and when we did we just seemed to pretend to be happy. Her dad was terminally ill and it was just me trying to support her and her pushing me away. It's like she knew she had enough and couldn't tell me. I wanted out to but after 7 years together, I wasn't going to quit on her when she needed me most. I remember going for a drink one day and we ended up getting engaged. I would like to think I am romantic guy, but this was the most unromantic thing I have ever seen. We went put a deposit on an engagement ring and went and got drunk. That was the last time we were in anyway 'happy'. It was like we both knew the relationship had run its course but we should stay together because we invested 7 years of our lives to it. Getting engaged seemed to be the next 'logicial' step. The beginning of the end was she said to me I can't invest in you anymore because I need to focus on my dad. I said ok, I would wait in the background and be there when you need me. Our last night together I went and met her family (sisters and partners). As I got to the bar it started to rain and I get a little wet coming in. She launched the most bizarre attack on me for the whole night. Critizing every little thing. I never said a word and I didn't leave. As we left the pub her sister who had been drinking offered me a lift. I said no, I wouldnt get in a car with someone who drank that much. My ex throw more abuse at me and off they went. I got home I felt nothing. No sadness or anger, nothing. What was wrong with me? I couldnt figure it out. I was in denial a 7 year relationship was coming to an end. I went out and drank the next night with my friends. I wasn't overally drunk when I got chatting to one of my best mates. I had this vent that I will probably never forget. 12 months pent up frustration. He didn't interupt he just let me vent and boy did I vent. After I eventually finished he asked me simply. "What are you doing with her?" I said I spent 7 years with her, don't all relationships suck after this long? He said no, no they don't!!!. Look at your parents, look at my parents. He said Mack, none of us like her. We have all tried talking to you but as soon as we did you would change the topic. I didn't even notice I was doing this. I went home and didn't sleep. I needed to think this through. My ex hadn't called to say sorry or want to meet up. Then again I knew she wouldn't. I spend 3 days weighing everything up. The only reason I could think of staying with her was that I invested 7 years of my life. I think thats possibly the worst reason to stay with someone. Wilson all over America, heck all over the world s many marriages break up. Too many people settle down because of "the fear". They take a look at the world on their own and instead of just taking their time and moving on. Facing their fears and the world, they go back to the safety net where you feel safe and protected. You even kid yourself. "We were happy before, if I change this and she changes that we could go back to being happy again. Yes we can do this". Heck anything is better then facing the world alone! I'm 30 for heavens sake. What if I don't meet another girl?, what if she meets another guy?. Those are not reasons to ruin your life in an unhappy marriage, to bring new life into an unloving relationship to try patch over cracks or awkward silences. I decided to face the fear. Not only that to go through the horrible feeling of being on my own and face the world. I asked her to meet me. Before I had wanted to leave on two occasions and she fought tooth and nail to keep me. This time she said nothing and said is that it? I said after 7 years I thought you might be a little sad. She said all that's on her mind is her dad. I felt terrible for leaving her with her dad terminally ill. The truth is Wilson you can't stay in a relationship where the love is gone for any reason. Life moved on. I made mistakes after that breakup because I never confronted those fears/feelings/emotions and it caught up with me. I'm still happy I went through it. I learnt so much about myself. Try convince yourself life goes on. I met a few girls after my ex but for various different reasons it didn't work out with them and in truth none of those girls even come close to the happiness, I experienced with my ex when we were at our happiest. I'm starting something new now and it feels different to anything I have experienced before. It's like holy sh! t this could be it. Our souls connect, I can't explain it. I hope and pray my instincts are right. My point Wilson is if you can find the courage to face "the fear" you can go on and live a great life, instead of being stuck in a relatonship that sucks all the good out of you both. Eventually u end up divorced, sad angry and bitter at everything. Facing your fears and the world is even harder now. You blame your partner, but the truth is you should be blaming yourself for not leaving when u knew in your heart it was the right time. Your friend needs to face the fear.... Edited August 3, 2011 by Mack05
thelovingkind Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 She's stuck in a classic cycle that you see in many areas of life, not just relationships. People stay because to leave is to admit that years and years of activity has been for nought. Of course, the longer they stay, the truer that becomes, and on it goes. The key to breaking out of this is, I think, to break out of the mindset of seeing things in big rigid lumps of time - i.e., your friend needs to stop seeing this semi-relationship as an 11 year "failed" project that might just yet come right and make it all worthwhile. Our lives and personal developments are more fluid than the categories we permit for them (i.e. student years, twenties, married years, retirement years, etc.) and if she can see that, and see her own live as this hodgepodge of developments both good or bad, rather than as 11 years circulating around this one mammoth project, hopefully that will help her see letting it go as a more manageable task.
sun_moon Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 Honestly, if she doesn't find the strength in herself to bite the bullet and stay that way, she's going to be stuck again. No amount of convincing or anything from friends or family will sway her, in the end the decisions is hers. All you can do is be supportive and be there for her. I would recommend to her seeing a counselor, maybe something like talk therapy or something that could shed some answers for her.
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