moontides Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 I'm going through a dry spell as far as dating is concerned, and it's really getting me down. A little background: I broke with a long-term boyfriend 8mo. ago because I couldn't see myself marrying him, so at this point, I am looking at relationships from a committed stand point. Casual/short-term/hooking up....I'm just not there anymore, and want something real. Since then, I have not been on a date. Anyhow, I'm worried about how I come off to men, and how to make myself more approachable. I know I am a good person and have a lot to offer...so I want guys to feel compelled to get to know me! I tend to like sweet guys, which exacerbates problem because they are usually a bit more shy with girls anyhow. Reasons I'm frustrated and confused?? 1.) I have had guy friends tell me that I am "intimidating" over the years. Not as in bitchy, but as in I am "too good". They define this as: pretty (not hot, but more cute sexy), sweet, kind, friendly, smart, independent, involved in church, etc.... They say that my "goodness" makes guys afraid that unless they've got their act together, they are going to mess with a good girl who they don't want to hurt. 2.) One guy I REALLY liked in the past, could not bring himself to date me because he thought he would "only disappoint" me. This was despite me encouraging and supporting him in the sweetest and most genuine way I knew how. Ultimately, I think (and know...I know more about him now) that this situation had more to do with his self-esteem than with me. 3.) I have also gone to a therapist (for family issues, not relationship issues), who has suggested that perhaps men look at me and think "she's out of my league, I'm just not even going to try". This confuses me too, because I am not shy about being friendly to someone, rather than being stand-offish and cold. 4.) My dad thinks the guy for me will be older, ambitious, and confident...but the problem is that I notice these very guys going for girls younger (I just turned 26) and more naive than I am...I assume this is because they make them feel more like a man, and able to be the leader in the relationship? 5.) I've also been told that my "niceness" may not be seductive enough. I kinda don't know what to do with that, because I don't think you can "try" to be seductive without it looking/being weird....for it to be authentic it has to be natural and from a real place within you. Physical affection is definitelyyyyy my love language:love:, but that side of me won't really come out until I have confidence that a guy is into me (he's asked me out). Sooooo, is there anything I can do to be more approachable? Or is this just simply a problem of the right guy not coming along yet? Thanks:)
KathyM Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 I'm going through a dry spell as far as dating is concerned, and it's really getting me down. A little background: I broke with a long-term boyfriend 8mo. ago because I couldn't see myself marrying him, so at this point, I am looking at relationships from a committed stand point. Casual/short-term/hooking up....I'm just not there anymore, and want something real. Since then, I have not been on a date. Anyhow, I'm worried about how I come off to men, and how to make myself more approachable. I know I am a good person and have a lot to offer...so I want guys to feel compelled to get to know me! I tend to like sweet guys, which exacerbates problem because they are usually a bit more shy with girls anyhow. Reasons I'm frustrated and confused?? 1.) I have had guy friends tell me that I am "intimidating" over the years. Not as in bitchy, but as in I am "too good". They define this as: pretty (not hot, but more cute sexy), sweet, kind, friendly, smart, independent, involved in church, etc.... They say that my "goodness" makes guys afraid that unless they've got their act together, they are going to mess with a good girl who they don't want to hurt. 2.) One guy I REALLY liked in the past, could not bring himself to date me because he thought he would "only disappoint" me. This was despite me encouraging and supporting him in the sweetest and most genuine way I knew how. Ultimately, I think (and know...I know more about him now) that this situation had more to do with his self-esteem than with me. 3.) I have also gone to a therapist (for family issues, not relationship issues), who has suggested that perhaps men look at me and think "she's out of my league, I'm just not even going to try". This confuses me too, because I am not shy about being friendly to someone, rather than being stand-offish and cold. 4.) My dad thinks the guy for me will be older, ambitious, and confident...but the problem is that I notice these very guys going for girls younger (I just turned 26) and more naive than I am...I assume this is because they make them feel more like a man, and able to be the leader in the relationship? 5.) I've also been told that my "niceness" may not be seductive enough. I kinda don't know what to do with that, because I don't think you can "try" to be seductive without it looking/being weird....for it to be authentic it has to be natural and from a real place within you. Physical affection is definitelyyyyy my love language:love:, but that side of me won't really come out until I have confidence that a guy is into me (he's asked me out). Sooooo, is there anything I can do to be more approachable? Or is this just simply a problem of the right guy not coming along yet? Thanks:) You said you're a church-goer. Finding nice guys through activities in church would be a good start. I doubt church-going guys are going to think you're too good for them, since they'll probably be pretty nice guys themselves. I can see that regular guys that aren't into religion at all would think you're too nice, and that they won't be able to live up to your standards or expectations. Find someone in church. That would be a good match for you. I know a lot of nice, intelligent, good looking, sweet guys who have their religion as a big part of their life. There are guys out there like that. You'll find them in church, and other religious activities.
Author moontides Posted August 3, 2011 Author Posted August 3, 2011 Thanks, Kathy< I'm glad you think that's a good quality - some people here don't. In fact, I would ONLY date a Christian, who is involved in church. So this is where I look...I go twice a week: Sundays, and a young adults group during the week. I sometimes wonder if the frequency of seeing the same people creates a lot of "friend-zone" situations. Sometimes on my part, but for the guys, too. There are A LOT of great girls there, and less great guys, so I feel like they have the upper hand in being picky. Boo!
Author moontides Posted August 3, 2011 Author Posted August 3, 2011 You said you're a church-goer. Finding nice guys through activities in church would be a good start. I doubt church-going guys are going to think you're too good for them, since they'll probably be pretty nice guys themselves. I can see that regular guys that aren't into religion at all would think you're too nice, and that they won't be able to live up to your standards or expectations. Find someone in church. That would be a good match for you. I know a lot of nice, intelligent, good looking, sweet guys who have their religion as a big part of their life. There are guys out there like that. You'll find them in church, and other religious activities. Thanks, Kathy< I'm glad you think that's a good quality - some people here don't. In fact, I would ONLY date a Christian, who is involved in church. So this is where I look...I go twice a week: Sundays, and a young adults group during the week. I sometimes wonder if the frequency of seeing the same people creates a lot of "friend-zone" situations. Sometimes on my part, but for the guys, too. There are A LOT of great girls there, and less great guys, so I feel like they have the upper hand in being picky. Boo!
Author moontides Posted August 3, 2011 Author Posted August 3, 2011 gonna bump just once, because another reply would be helpful! (Especially from a guy)
carhill Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 You've selected a pretty narrow dating pool, limiting it to local, Christian and church-going. You've further limited it by age (up to 30) and your focus on LTR/M as a closely defined goal. None of that is inappropriate nor unhealthy. It is what it is, limiting. It means that more time and energy will be expended to achieve the results you desire. That can be a 'bummer'. Tell me about the last man who met your requirements that you 'friend-zoned'. You mentioned 'older, ambitious and confident' as a further refinement of your ideal man. Essentially, for lack of mitigating factors as of yet undisclosed, you desire the image of male perfection. That's fine. Those men probably exist in your socio-economic circle. As a few similarly specific LS'ers have opined, you should bring to the table everything you desire. If you're seeking therapy in your mid-20's for family issues, that could be a factor. How involved in your socio-religious lifestyle is your family? It is common for such people to inter-marry with similar families, both in the realm of faith and socio-economics. I'm not currently 'religious' but was educated in private religious schools and spent a heck of a lot of my young life in church and socially with families of solid middle to upper middle class standing. That's where my questions and perspective are coming from. Hope it works out.
Author moontides Posted August 3, 2011 Author Posted August 3, 2011 You've selected a pretty narrow dating pool, limiting it to local, Christian and church-going. You've further limited it by age (up to 30) and your focus on LTR/M as a closely defined goal. None of that is inappropriate nor unhealthy. It is what it is, limiting. It means that more time and energy will be expended to achieve the results you desire. That can be a 'bummer'. Tell me about the last man who met your requirements that you 'friend-zoned'. You mentioned 'older, ambitious and confident' as a further refinement of your ideal man. Essentially, for lack of mitigating factors as of yet undisclosed, you desire the image of male perfection. That's fine. Those men probably exist in your socio-economic circle. As a few similarly specific LS'ers have opined, you should bring to the table everything you desire. If you're seeking therapy in your mid-20's for family issues, that could be a factor. How involved in your socio-religious lifestyle is your family? It is common for such people to inter-marry with similar families, both in the realm of faith and socio-economics. I'm not currently 'religious' but was educated in private religious schools and spent a heck of a lot of my young life in church and socially with families of solid middle to upper middle class standing. That's where my questions and perspective are coming from. Hope it works out. I know you are right in that it IS limiting...but I also don't feel like I want to settle at the same time. On the other hand, I have hit it off with guys who did not have all of these qualities, so it's not at all like I'm unopen to comprimise. I happen to have a huge crush on a guy that's younger than me right now. Mostly, I think of everything I listed, MATURITY is the biggest thing I'm looking for. Of the guys I have "friend-zoned" have had one or both of these qualities: a) immaturity b) I'm not at ALL attracted to them physically or our personalities are just polar opposites As for the therapy thing and my family....I don't think it mixes too much. They live in town, but are not co-mingled with my social or religious life. But, there have been times in the past where just having my mind in a jumble has affected my overall demeanor. That's gotten much better with time, thank goodness! Thanks for your feedback:)
Cee Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 You sound like a catch. All you have to do is show interest in men and flirt. Be sure that your attention to them is genuine and light hearted. Smile, laugh, and listen. It'll happen sooner or later.
Zaphod B Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 I 1.) I have had guy friends tell me that I am "intimidating" over the years. Not as in bitchy, but as in I am "too good". They define this as: pretty (not hot, but more cute sexy), sweet, kind, friendly, smart, independent, involved in church, etc.... They say that my "goodness" makes guys afraid that unless they've got their act together, they are going to mess with a good girl who they don't want to hurt. Mmmmm, if it's church boys that are intimidated then I might be able to relate. I was a Christian for many years and would be intimidated by women who seemed like they were "above me" when it came to "holiness". However I can't understand why non-church guys would be intimidated. I can only think the reason they avoid you is because they think there's no chance of getting you into bed. [quiote] 2.) One guy I REALLY liked in the past, could not bring himself to date me because he thought he would "only disappoint" me. This was despite me encouraging and supporting him in the sweetest and most genuine way I knew how. Ultimately, I think (and know...I know more about him now) that this situation had more to do with his self-esteem than with me. Was he a church boy? If so, then it probably has something to do with the "holy" thing I was talking about before. He sees you as above him when it comes to that. I not a church boy, then it sounds like he's making excuses. I woudn't take him too seriously. 3.) I have also gone to a therapist (for family issues, not relationship issues), who has suggested that perhaps men look at me and think "she's out of my league, I'm just not even going to try". This confuses me too, because I am not shy about being friendly to someone, rather than being stand-offish and cold. The "holy" thing again? 4.) My dad thinks the guy for me will be older, ambitious, and confident...but the problem is that I notice these very guys going for girls younger (I just turned 26) and more naive than I am...I assume this is because they make them feel more like a man, and able to be the leader in the relationship? Maybe. But I don't see why you would have a problem scoring an older man, especially if you are attractive. Sooooo, is there anything I can do to be more approachable? Or is this just simply a problem of the right guy not coming along yet? I'd say don't give up. Someone has to come along who will see you as just what they want.
Zaphod B Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 (edited) Thanks, Kathy< I'm glad you think that's a good quality - some people here don't. In fact, I would ONLY date a Christian, who is involved in church. So this is where I look...I go twice a week: Sundays, and a young adults group during the week. I sometimes wonder if the frequency of seeing the same people creates a lot of "friend-zone" situations. Sometimes on my part, but for the guys, too. There are A LOT of great girls there, and less great guys, so I feel like they have the upper hand in being picky. Boo! Ahha! Didn't read this till now. What I said before could indeed be an issue. You might be finding Christian guys are intimidated because they see you as way above them in the "holiness" department (sorry, can't come up with a better term) . Not sure what I can suggest with that though, after all you won't want to become less holy just to get a guy, would you? And I can't imagine you'll be wanting to flirt in church. Edited August 3, 2011 by Zaphod B
carhill Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 Since, IME, older, ambitious and confident men are rarely immature, it essentially has come down to one criteria, exactly the one I faced at your age, that of 'physical (un)attraction' or 'personalities being polar opposites'. Now, physical (un)attraction is self-explanatory, but I'll need more info on the 'personalities being polar opposites'. My peers at your age were to become the next generation of our community leaders, business owners and the people who were destined to and have made a difference in the world. The men are ambitious, single-minded and dominant, regardless of their kneeling in church on Sunday. Of course they are very loving, on their terms. That's what a woman signs on for when going for that kind of man. If you're looking for an 'equal', that's probably going to limit things somewhat, although I'll leave room for the younger generation having evolved some; my readings of said generation here on LS do not inspire me in that regard but that is a small sample of the world. You mentioned the male/female ratio skewed in favor of men. Further limits. I'd recommend casting a wider net. Also, you can adjust your perspective to consider a different kind a attractive, one I might call a 'Bill Gates' attractive, where the total human package becomes attractive rather than any specific part. That's one potential. Your choice. So, what is it about this younger guy you have a crush on that sets him apart? Be specific.
FitChick Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 Meeting someone in church is no guarantee. My neighbor met a guy there and he was the biggest leech, lazy, treated her with disdain and with her low self-esteem (former fat girl) she put up with it. She kept trying to please him (spending thousands on big screen TV, sound system, satellite dish) while he didn't even try. She'd cook for him, he'd come over and watch TV, never took her out. She finally dumped him, then met a really nice guy with a great job who treated her like a queen. The OP needs to date men, not boys.
Zaphod B Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 (edited) Meeting someone in church is no guarantee. My neighbor met a guy there and he was the biggest leech, lazy, treated her with disdain and with her low self-esteem (former fat girl) she put up with it. She kept trying to please him (spending thousands on big screen TV, sound system, satellite dish) while he didn't even try. She'd cook for him, he'd come over and watch TV, never took her out. She finally dumped him, then met a really nice guy with a great job who treated her like a queen. The OP needs to date men, not boys. Yeah, and of course with men from church you're also likely to get guys who think that the woman's place is in the kitchen and that the man is the head of the household. Not all, but some, I bet. And you're right, just because they're Christians doesn't mean they're any nicer or more moral than guys who aren't. My ex wife was a staunch Christian but had loose morals. My second relationship was with a non-believer and she had far stronger morals and was staunchly loyal. But I can understand Moontide's delimna because of the whole "unequally yoked" issue. Edited August 4, 2011 by Zaphod B
SincereOnlineGuy Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 4.) My dad thinks the guy for me will be older, ambitious, and confident...but the problem is that I notice these very guys going for girls younger (I just turned 26) and more naive than I am...I assume this is because they make them feel more like a man, and able to be the leader in the relationship? You're not at a bad age to be exploring the "older" guys. Those in their younger 20's are perhaps too naive, and they tend to know non-stop action/interest from 'boys' their own age. If you can believe an old survey, the average age stated by men asked to select the 'ideal' age of a woman for them to date was "half their own age plus 7 years". That means 38yo guys are looking at your age range. You do NOT, likely, want to pursue this when you're 43 (if you know what I mean)... so if your dad's instincts are in-tune with you, then perhaps consider a target audience SOMEwhere near to "late 30's" guys.
Recommended Posts