Contacting me about stupid things after breakup

[nychic009]

Hi everyone,

 

So my ex broke up with me about 1.5 months ago, we dated for 8 months. It was a very serious relationship for both of us (meeting parents, talking about marriage, etc).

 

After month 5, our relationship became really rocky and by the time he broke up with me, both of us were just really burnt out, mostly due to external factors (job situation). Both of us contributed to issues in the relationship, but I was willing to admit my mistakes and worked on them during our relationship, while he deflected all his issues on me and blamed me for mostly everything.

 

Anyways, breaking up completely was his idea - not mine. I wanted to "take a break" but he didn't want that. After we broke up, I still lived at his place for a few weeks because I needed to find an apt, and everything was great (our job situation became better, I changed a lot of the things he complained about, even though he didn't change any of the issues I had with him). But by the time it was time for me to move out he still wanted a break up, not a break. He said he can't tell if the past month was for real or if I was "pretending".

 

At first, we agreed to be exclusive (not see anyone else for 2 months) and he wanted to call me, but I told him unless it's to get back together, I'd prefer he not contact me.

 

After I moved out I kept myself really busy - traveling to see friends out of state and spending time with my family out of state. 7 days after I moved out I contacted him to catch up. Unfortunately I made the "mistake" of mentioning our "break" and he kind of just blew up at me, telling me that I cannot talk to him about our relationship, that I should move on.

 

So, I did move on. I asked a friend to pack up all my stuff right away which made my ex very mad and immature. I also went NC and started dating other people to get my mind off of him. I can't fathom getting back together with him right now but I do miss him a lot.

 

Anyways, so every week since he blew up at me, he has contacted me about something really stupid... usually regarding his "stuff" or my "stuff". It's always some little thing that is very unimportant and stupid. For example last week it was some old charger he asked me about. This week it's regarding something useless he didn't pack up for me (when my friend got my stuff 3 weeks ago). What is weird yesterday is that he knows I will be in NY (where he is, to move in to my new place) on August 1st, so he emailed me ON August 1st about mailing me back this really useless thing of mine to my new NY address . Which is kind of stupid - because it's obviously easier if I just pick it up instead of having him mail it to me when we are like 10 minutes away from each other. Plus with all his stuff the moment he told me to move on, I mailed it back to him without asking him. So, I really don't think it's about the useless stuff but he's trying to do something.

 

What is he trying to do?

 

On one hand, I think he's trying to keep tabs on me (I blocked him on FB, etc) or gauge my reaction to his email. Or, maybe it's an ego boost. Or, he wants to string me along.

 

Or, he wants to meet up? Maybe he's seeing someone else and wants this one little thing of mine out of his house (probably not, since if I were him I'd just hide it/store it so the new girl won't see, it's just an electric charger.. hmm).

 

It's like he's making an effort but for what?

 

I haven't responded and I don't really know what to say. I feel that unless he tells me he's sorry and he's made a mistake, I don't want any "breadcrumbs" he's throwing my way. But on the other hand, I don't want my pride to get in the way of a possible reconciliation in the future, esp. if he's never done that in the past (like apologize profusely for something, he's very stubborn and proud).

 

By the way I should also say he was stalking me on my facebook, sending me funny articles of our inside jokes, and some other email asking how my trip was after we broke. All my responses have been short, to the point, and business like. Except for now, regarding the stupid stuff he's emailing me about I have been ignoring him.

 

How should I deal with all this if I want to get back together with him (I ONLY want to get back together if he can own up to his mistake, and give me 100% commitment)

 

By the way I should mention that I'm a very mature 24 year old, and he's 32. All of his relationships in the past were no longer than 4 months, and I was his longest relationship since college... he also has emotional/mental issues (depression and stuff). Not sure if that really affects the situation, but thanks again for any advice/perspective on how to deal with all this!!

Edited August 3, 2011 by nychic009

[geegirl]

If someone was interested in giving you 100% commitment, don't you think you would have seen a sign of desire from him by now instead of him wasting time playing mindless head games with you? A person that wants to give 100% commitment, is not going to waste time because he will be serious about starting the journey with you.

 

If someone has self-awareness and a conscience, you would have gotten an apology at some point. When you have to expect, most likely you won't get it or it will be given to you as appeasement.

 

Both of which will be handed to you if someone is truly invested in what you want and that is establishing a relationship. Anything other than that is breadcrumbs. Doesn't matter what type of crumbs or how they're being thrown at you, they're still crumbs.

[nychic009]

Thanks Geegirl. That's what I figure as well.

 

So, I should just continue to ignore him? I was going to tell him to just toss it away (I don't need it anyways). I'm not sure how NC applies when it's a "legitimate" question of his... thanks

[geegirl]

Thanks Geegirl. That's what I figure as well.

 

So, I should just continue to ignore him? I was going to tell him to just toss it away (I don't need it anyways). I'm not sure how NC applies when it's a "legitimate" question of his... thanks

 

"Stuff" is usually what ex's use as reasons to make contact and keep the lifeline going. Not for any other reason but to know that you're still there as an ego boost, you're a fallback, etc.

 

You just said it's useless and unimportant stuff so it's not quite a legitimate request, is it? Fishing I would say.

 

NC should be implemented because you are done with the BS and you're ready to turn your life around. Anything else is trivial. And that means his lame attempts of keeping you in the backburner under the guise of "stuff".

Edited August 3, 2011 by geegirl

[nychic009]

Ok... thanks for the clarification...